Pulling my Hair Out

Hello all. . . .

I haven't been on in a while due to the fact that the company that I worked for had a massive layoff of quite a few people and as a result of it, my position was eliminated. This all happened in July.

So you might ask "why Issy! I thought you would be happy?" Finding a job in the line of work that I am in is not as easy as it sounds. There are more and more people who are doing their own admin duties and cutting out the middle person who would be me. Not to mention that finding a job and going about it on the internet is WAY different than it was about 17 years ago.

So now I'm in a state of flux trying to figure out where the money is going to come from, how my son will get health insurance (I'm not even worried about me at the moment), not to mention personal things although the only thing that is going fantastic is my relationship with Hubby and the boy. My mom is another worry as I found out she has the big C on the day that I was laid off and she just start her treatments last week and it is making her really sick.

Oh well. . . everyone just wish me luck on finding something and hopfully something will come through on all ends.

Holiday Weekend

I had a good holiday weekend with my family. Lots of drinking and eating. . . . up until yesterday.

I got paid yesterday and had a lot of catching up to do on various things such as gas, washing the car, getting laundry detergent, etc. So I ran out to get a BUNCH of stuff done. I was gone for about 4 hours and when I got back, Hubby was texting AGAIN. Hadn't heard from him while I was gone. Guess I'm not that interesting.

So yeah, when I got back I copped an attitude because most of the evening we didn't really have any type of conversation. If I wanted a conversation then I texted him which at one point I asked him that if I asked him if he would go to Vegas with me would he go. He texted yes and then said to me "you don't want to marry me". I was so frustrated and aggravated that I just went outside to smoke. Most of his conversing with with S in the form of a text. It's so annoying when you want to spend time with someone and you are constantly getting interrupted by someone else.

Plus on top of it, I texted her this weekend to see how the concert that she went to was going. She said she didn't know me, called me to reinforce that she didn't know me and then Hubby got pissed at me for doing it. What the fuck? Then he tells me never to do it again. Fine I'm now 3 years old. . . put me in the damn corner. I did it to try to ease the tension that I had towards her and I thought it would help. Apparently it did not.

So last night everything came to a head and I called her a bunch of names. Hubby was very upset with me. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not enough for him, I'm sorry that it's hard for him to understand that we can't work on us with a fucking three ring circus going on and I'm sorry that if I have to share my life with him that I'm not willing to share it with her too. I guess I'm just not being flexible enough.

All I want is to be left alone. . . .Hubby told me that if I want to die alone, bitter and old that was my choice. I want to be left alone with my family but I don't think Hubby knows how to let go. Oh well. He can be alone too. Can you tell I'm not making any sense? I didn't get any sleep last night. . . here we go again.

Kids and God

Yesterday we told our 5 year old if he was good at daycare we would get some fireworks and shot them off for him. He was good, got him dinner, showered him and waited for it to get dark. Just as it got dark, a hellacious storm rolled in. . . .

He was in the shower when it came so he came running out in our family room butt naked and dripping wet with the front door open. He was so upset and perplexed that it was storming because "how are we going to do fireworks????" So I asked him to talk to God about it. So this little boy stands in front of the front door while it is storming, naked none the less, and starts talking to God like he is an old friend that he's known for years. He tells him that he wants to shoot off fireworks but it's raining and that God has a big mess to clean up now. Then he invites God to come over and spend the night and apparently God had responded to his questions of whether or not it would stop raining. He told us that God had said "not just yet".

Hubby and I were sitting on the sofa while all of this was going on in awe. There were a few times that I had to put my hand over my mouth because I didn't want him to see me giggle because he was being so cute and wasn't meaning to. Hubby said "I don't care who you are. There is nothing more Innocent and pure than that right there. A child genuinely talking to God is one of the greatest things. . . ." He must have talked to his "old" friend for 5 minutes straight.

Life on the Farm

Last night I was outside enjoying the nice weather. Let me just explain that we have two dogs that are outside dogs and have been for years. While I was outside I heard one dog barking in an odd manner to the point where it didn't sound like one of ours. So I went in their pen and one of the dogs greeted me. The other one was panting and laying by the fence and made no move to come greet me.

When I came up to her (the one by the fence) it was absolutely awful. The smell was so bad and she was in awful pain. She had a tumor for some time now about the size of two softballs on her back leg and it finally burst. As nature would have it with her being old, nature sent in every insect it could find to start the decaying process. She was dying a slow and painful death.

I went to the house and told Hubby to take a look at her and he told me to call his dad and to bring a gun down with him. Living on a farm, you don't let animals suffer and all of them are or have been buried on the property. Everything from cats to horses. Also living on a farm each one of us has a job or role to play in taking care of stuff. My job was to watch the front door to make sure our son didn't come out while this was going on. My FIL's job was to shoot her which I cried when it happened and Hubby's job was to carry her to where they were going to bury her and dig the hole. Also living on a farm out in the country you have to make sure that it's in plastic and that lime is in with it or else in the middle of the night scavenger animals will find it, dig it up and create more of a mess than if you just left the poor animal lying where it died.

I've learned a lot about being on a farm from my in laws and from Hubby. Things I've been sheltered from by living in the county. Not all of it is pleasant but sometimes it is. The things that aren't pleasant are usually just "necessary" that most people take for granted or have someone that they call to take care of it for them. The good things though are really good like having a lot of space between you and your neighbors, being able to walk out in the middle of the night butt naked if you want to, growing your own produce and dairy products and having enough space to make changes if you wanted to. I like living on a farm. I got away from it for a brief period of time and not only did I miss it terribly but realized that I do not like city life and don't think I will ever be able to go back to that.

Am I happy with where I am today? Yes. I asked Hubby that yesterday and he said he was as well. We are going to get fireworks (another plus of living in the country) and we are going to celebrate tonight with our son until Sunday evening!

Nice. . . . .

Yesterday and last night had the potential or should I just come out and say it, just fell apart. But luckily it wasn't with Hubby and I. That is one issue that I know how to make it fall apart and didn't want that to happen. . . we've worked WAY too hard.

Last night I went to pick up our son. Seems that he thought it was okay to run past a parent when they were picking up their child and out into a field. The teachers had to chase after him and then he proceeded to produce his little horns and tail and spit, kick and hit them as they corralled him back to the facility. Needless to say, I was not a happy mommy when I picked up. Nice. . . . .

Then as I was leaving from work to come home I noticed that I had another bladder infection coming on. It's only been a couple of weeks since I ditched the last one and they are so not fun. I get to the house after dealing with my son and went to the bathroom. Now we've gone from excruciating pain to pissing blood. All I have to say to that is Nice. . . . .

And to top all of it off, my mother found a lump on her neck a few weeks ago and I was just told about it on Thursday (Nice move guys) which she had to have surgery for on Thursday. They were doing testing on it to find out if it is a lymphoma or not and the results were due in at the beginning of this week. When I called my dad last night to ask him about the bleeding that I had, I asked if her results had come in. He told me that it wasn't lymphoma but that what they had tested did have cancer in it and that she will now have to have a PET scan which is a full body scan to find out where her body is producing the cancer from and get rid of it. I will not say that this is "Nice" because all this morning on the way in to work as I drove that's all I could think about. I think it was because it finally hit me this morning and I was very quiet and have kept to myself pretty much most of the day.

After the Nice evening that I had I finally admitted defeat and went to bed. I am sticking by my guns and looking for all of the positive things that I can in my day and have found them:

• I have antibiotics ordered so all of this useless pissing that hurts too much will go away by tonight plus the pills are free! Yay!
• At least my son didn't get hit by a car from yesterday's episode and after the talk that I had with him as well as the talk his dad had with him his tune changed quite a bit this morning so hopefully today was a better day for him.
• I didn't hear what I was expecting to hear about my mom but it could be a lot worse so worry about what the PET scan shows when it happens. No sense in creating an ulcer until the time calls for one.

Plus we have a vacation scheduled for the three of us. . . .I am so looking forward to that!

A Pig in Shit

Ever heard that expression as far as happiness is concerned? I have felt like that all weekend. I finally am where I want to be right now and Hubby and I are working diligently on it to make it work. Our son has calmed down, we spent some much needed time together alone quite a bit this weekend and just genuinely had a very nice and relaxing weekend.

However Hubby said over the weekend that he had told S to forget about him and move on. She asked why he was being mean and he asked if that was a mean statement. I didn't think so. When you break it off with someone it's best for a clean break I think. However, I think she's having a difficult time moving on. Calling and texting. . . always something or reason for the call or text. . . .I texted Hubby this morning asking for some gas money because I am broke until the end of the week. He had asked "What is it with you women and asking for money" in a joking money so he tells me that S had called and needed new tires for her car and couldn't get a hold of her dad to pay for them so Hubby helped her out and she's going to pay him back sometime this week. That just seems really weird to me but I can't really get mad because it's just. . . .weird. I was thinking to myself "What if Hubby wasn't around and you needed a tire? What would you do then?" Plus she called for a really weird reason yesterday too. I'm not going to go into what it was but it was weird too. Hubby had said he thought he had a stalker on his hands.

I don't think he wants to be too mean and say "hey look. . . ." I told him I thought she was sticking around in the event things went sour again with us and that way she wouldn't miss out. He definitely agreed with me. I told him that wasn't going to happen. . . . . . she'll be waiting a long time. I just hope she doesn't call for every little ache and pain, financial issue that crosses her path. Hubby had even said that he's only known her for a few months and for her to be that needy in a few months is kind of creepy. I so agree. But like I said, I'll give all of this time. Hubby had told me to trust him which is what I need to do. This is more of his mess to have to wrangle if it is a mess in the first place. I think it has the potential of being a mess and I'll trust him but I can't say that I trust her. She knows the choice he made and what he's wanting to do but I don't think she cares. . . . that's just me though.

Either wayI'm standing by guarded but still happy.

Negative People

Ya know. . . .I just don't get negative people. I mean I get them because I used to be that and I try really hard now not to be that way but I just don't understand why people find it so necessary to put so much effort into being mean and negative towards people, places and things that either don't concern them or things that they literally have no control over.

I'm tired of being negative. It's completely counterproductive and serves no purpose. Oh there's a time and a place to be pissed at stuff definitely but to be perpetually pissed all the time at stupid shit is just beyond me. For example, when I drive to work now I use my cruise control and go 60 which is the speed limit. I have cut my gas costs in half from $100 per week down to $50. People in STL drive crazy anyway and since I've started driving this way many people fly around me, get angry and are pretty belligerent. I don't do this in the passing lane because that would just be a fight waiting to happen not to mention just plain inconsiderate. I'm the one laughing all the way to the bank not to mention that I will never see any of these people again. So I ask, why put so much effort into something that really doesn't concern you? It's my right to drive that way, I'm being safe in my driving and if anything, it calms me down. I don't have to worry about who's flying up on my car because it will ALWAYS happen nor do I have to worry so much about the other cars and where they are going because I stay in the same lane. It gives me a half an hour to reflect on my day, listen to my music and look forward to coming home to my son and family. So what does that have to do with you? Nothing. . . absolutely nothing. Yet people still find time as well as the capacity to behave in this manner as though I will change my driving habits just to suit their needs.

I guess what being negative all boils down to is being self centered. Most people who are negative think that people go out of their way just to piss them off. How fruit is that? Or they jump the gun and think that things happen to them just to inconvenience their life? Who cares? My life is too short to care at this point. There's too many good things on this earth and things that could happen to me that are good for me to sit around and bitch about every little thing that is an imposition to either me or the things around me. From now on I'm going to find at least one good thing in everything that comes across my path.

Saying for the day: When I see a person who is negative think this: God put people such as you on this planet to make people such as myself look that much better.

Some of the Good Things

I really needed to write this post. This is a post that will remind me of all of the good things that has happened to Hubby and I and all of the good things that have to do with Hubby and the way we are.

Over the course of 8 going on 9 years, I have always focused on the bad things that took place with us and the good things always came with a "but". So not fair for both of us. It's no wonder why we didn't make it but life gives everyone a second chance and this is mine. I am learning that my mouth got me in a lot of trouble. Every time something petty came up, I was critical. Money, choices, words. . . .I always had a comment and usually didn't think before I shot off at the mouth to make my point heard. I have always prided myself on my opinion and most of the time it wasn't necessary to voice it because it wasn't asked for and it was usually hurtful. I'm learning that I need to think before I speak and listen more than I have in the past. So far this has saved quite a few unnecessary arguments which for the most part have all been unnecessary.

I have learned that Hubby has a lot to offer. He is a good provider to his family and to me. In the past, some people have told me that no he is not because his job is seasonal. I spent a lot of time defending him and coming up with reasons why it was okay that he works in the profession that he does. Fuck it. The people that were filling my head with filth that didn't even concern them nor did it directly affect them had no business telling me the bullshit that they did. At times financially it is frustrating for couples to deal with money and for myself I needed to vent. That is a new lesson that I have learned. Be grateful for what you have because someone else could have it and you could have nothing. It may not be what you think you should have but you could always have less. I have had less and having this chance is like a kid walking into a candy store with nothing and having a grown up hand them a fifty dollar bill just for being there to spend on whatever they want. Hubby also has an amazing sense of humor which helps when times are down and depressing. He always knows how to pick my spirits up and make me feel better when I am stressed or sad.

Hubby is also a great dad. Why? Because I said. . . and also because I've seen plenty of guys out there that had no business breeding but they did. Not to mention that I think no person who has no children or is directly related to that child has the right to judge whether or not someone is a good parent or not. Until you wake up every day like Scrooge in my shoes and walk through them, feed my kids chicken nuggets, make him clean up his room, wash his hair and have to deal with whether or not he had a good or bad day at school which is the same parallel thing that Hubby has to deal with, you are not allowed to be judge, jury and prosecutor.

Hubby is changing. . . all for the better for him and everyone around him. He is more patient and understanding. He is allowing me to say things with a grain of salt and listening more but I am trying to do that on my end too and picking and choosing what I say more carefully.

In closing, S asked that I be good to Hubby and not leave him and work our issues out. I didn't know (actually I did know what I wanted to say but there was way too much) what to say so I just "okay". When you have had to fight for the things that you love and I don't mean a shirt or a job but a family and your life, when you finally get the opportunity to vindicate yourself, you will do everything in your power to prove that the fight was worth it to everyone. I am making it a point to show Hubby that I am true to my word and that I will try my damnedest to rectify everything that has happened and occurred. Both of us have learned from all of this and everything that has happened in the past which is why the past will remain just that and not be brought up again.

Parting Ways

Last night I stopped by Hubby's house to visit before S came to get the last of her things and they could say their goodbye's to each other. Since the incident that happened over a week ago, I have managed to not see her or talk to her which is a good thing, not that I don't want to but I just didn't know what I would say and I also haven't had the time to create that dialog in my brain with all of the stuff that's been going on. Right now I can only focus on one thing at a time.

So last night our son and I were getting ready to leave, he was dealing me a fit and she pulled up. I talked with my son in the house for a little bit and then managed to get him out of the house. I went to the table on the patio and got a cigarette and looked over. She motioned for me to come to her and I did. She gave me a big hug and said she was sorry which I asked her for what. She had said everything. She and I talked for a long time. We talked about Hubby's and my situation, her situation, raising kids and making decisions. I told her one thing that was very important for me to tell her. First of all, she has lots of drama in her life. I told her last night that this was the only piece of advice that I could give her - "You will get to a certain point in your life where you will be so tired and sick of everything that is happening that you will no longer bitch about what is going on and letting silly shit happen. You will just do whatever is necessary to take care of getting that situation behind you so that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Even if you don't think you can do it, you will just find a way to do it and get it done."

S has a lot of things that she thinks she cannot overcome because she hasn't tried. You can't fail if you don't try. I think that Hubby gave me that advise. Some of the greatest advise has been given to me by that man. Advise is also a gift that should be cherished. Someone who is wiser and been through more is trying to give part of them self to you to help that person out. I don't have to give advise but most of the time it helps me too. It helps me give back to others that have given to me.

A Fresh Start

I finally heard the words that were music to my ears today - "We can start over"

Hubby and I have had a very turbulent couple of months. The ball has been in his court for some time now and I have been frustrated, impatient and worried that I would never have the opportunity try with my family ever again. It was a HUGE fear of mine that it would be lost forever and that I and my family would be grouped into the statistics of how 50% of all relationships fail and that it is very commonplace for children to grow up and deal with broken family's. I have worked so hard to stay, show my true emotions even when it was SOOOO not necessary and be honest about how I feel.

One of the things that I noticed last night when I was talking to my MIL was that I used to feel very inferior to Hubby by the way we talked to each other and how I took what he said to me literally. Since we have been talking, the way that he talks and interacts with me is much different than in the past. It is with more respect and regards to me as a person than before. It's almost like putting me on a pedestal and it makes me feel so important in his eyes and is such a wonderful feeling to have that. All I was asking for was a chance at another go at it with him and our son. I never expected to have this as an added bonus.

When I heard the words that I heard today I was absolutely elated and overjoyed. My morning had flown by due to workload. Now the rest of the day is absolutely dragging on because all I want to do is race to my son and get him and then race home and give Hubby the biggest kiss of his life. I know how I can screw this (my mouth and not thinking) and I know how to make this work (not pushing his buttons). As long as I focus on those things and both of us have agreed that we will NEVER bring all of this ugliness up again, nothing can stop us.

Very Good Weekend

I had a very good weekend. Granted there was some drama that for once was not my doing but on a whole, it was a great weekend for Hubby, the boy and I.

We didn't have any cross words between the two of us, we spent time together as a family and as a couple and just regularly enjoyed being around each other. There's some other goofy stuff going on that I won't get into right now but for now I am taking each day as it comes and being grateful for the goodness that each one brings. Some things are not so good and I am looking for all of the positive things that are within those things so that they don't seem so bad and overwhelming. So far this tactic has worked and helped me keep my sanity and keep things in perspective. It's helped me to help myself and in turn I've been able to help those around me.

I have realized just how important my family is to me. Spending time with them this weekend and seeing the love between Hubby and our son is amazing and powerful not to mention when you get all three of us together, I was noticing that it's almost overwhelming the feelings that I get. It gives me hope that we will all make it and that everything will be okay. I hope there are more weekends and eventually weeks like this to come in the future.

The Boulder has Lifted at Least for Now

Last night I talked with Hubby when I got off of work about what had happened on Sunday a little bit. I remembered my post about clarity and made sure that everything that I wanted to tell him was very clear. As much as I wanted to tell him "I can't wait to start over again and please take me back because I love you more than sliced bread" I had to remember my sanity and how I lost it on Sunday.

I told him that I thought what had happened on Sunday had to do with the medication that I had been prescribed. He agreed. That was a HUGE weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. I thought all week that he was taking it personally what had happened and it was like forgiveness for me to hear him agree with me. I also told him that as much as I love him and want things to work out, for my own sanity, I can't do that with another individual hanging around. He had said that he was waiting for me to say one phrase - Everything is going to be okay. I felt for him because I know that feeling and I also know that he'd scared right now. I know he is worried that I'm going to book, things won't be the same with us, things won't work out, I don't love him, etc. These are all "what-if's" that if you dwell on them too long they will drive you absolutely mad. I did that for a while with us just recently trying to answer my own questions and I never got the answers.

Hubby told me that he loves me and always will and is completely lost without me. He told me that he didn't think things would work with him and S but needed to get some things out of the way and that she has way too many issues and drama for his liking. I told him to do what he needed to do and that he knew where I was and what I wanted. When that time came to let me know but until then, I had to keep my distance just for my own sanity. The strangest thing about all of this is for the longest time, I had such a dislike for this woman and after talking to him last night I really could care a less about what happens to her or where she goes or what she does. It just doesn't really bother me anymore I think mostly because I know deep down in my heart how he feels. We both agreed that he, I and our son is our life. . . . nothing more and that it has all been ripped apart and will take a while to piece back together.

All of this will take time. . . .the one thing that I just love so much but right now that's the one thing I have working in my favor. Today has been another good day so far! Maybe he and I will do some more talking tonight. . . .

Clarity

It's getting to the point where I write and forget to put something in and have to write a second post. Oh well. . . .I don't think anyone is reading these anyway.

I titled this post what I did because through everything that has happened, so many shades of gray have presented themselves and no "black" or "white" issues have either been resolved or discussed. The infamous "I don't know" has been on the back, front and side burner of the stove and everyone unfortunately has gotten burned because of it. I have sit back for a while now and knew what my intentions were and what I wanted. There was no "I want you and then I'm going to leave" even though I did it twice before and reason why I say that is because if I had to go through this from leaving it isn't worth it to any of us if I were to leave. I felt on trial for the longest time and for what? Nothing. I feel as though everything that I said and did was for nothing. See I thought that if I told Hubby how I really felt and showed him that I really and truly do love him that he would understand. Now that I look back on it, I don't think that he was even able to pay attention long enough to see where I was coming from let alone make a decision on how to deal with what I was throwing in his direction and I don't mean a hammer either.

"I don't know. . . . " ever heard the saying of not making a decision is the same as making one? Hubby had a choice to make between two women and not having the clarity of knowing which one that would be was maddening. Not knowing and having the clarity of what he was telling her would be the future was maddening. This is what I'm talking about with shades of gray. She may have been told plenty of "black" and "white" stories but I didn't know what was to come next or where I stood. Every day I was just hoping for an hour or two alone with him to be able to have a chance. What kind of life is that? That is someone in love. That is someone who is in a little boat in a vast sea hoping for some help and seeing nothing. Oh I felt things from Hubby and "interpreted" different things that he told me that made me feel good but did he mean it? Deep down inside I think he did.

That's why I titled this post "Clarity". I have taken clarity for granted my whole life. It is so important to say what you mean and not what you think that someone wants to hear. Even if it takes you three hours to spit it out it is better than saying something you don't mean just because you can't face the other person's reaction. Being clear about how you feel and being clear about your intentions are so important. That is something that I can see as clear as day right now. Before I was too preoccupied with whether or not Hubby was going to "choose" or not to know what was going on. I always had that little glimmer of hope that he was going to come riding in on a horse and say "nightmare is all gone honey. . . .let's go home" but it never happened. Now I don't know what I have. . . . clarity again. . . .the easiest way to deal with that is to put it in simplest terms. I have a roof over my head, a job and children. The other things will come given time if it is in my future but for now it is not sad as it sounds.

Another Day of Betterness

Even though my son threw up in the bed that we were sleeping in last night at 11pm from coughing, yesterday was another good day. Yeah, like "betterness" is a word but I'll use it for now.

Hubby had to go to work early this morning so he asked if I wanted our son to spend the night. Why would I argue? It's time I get to spend with him and he is such a trip. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are a riot but at being 5 years old, what do you expect?

Last night I made dinner for the boy, ate half a sandwich and popped a beer and folded laundry. Made deals with my boy about eating ice cream and taking a shower and just did the mom thing last night. I was scurrying about the house getting stuff done when I saw my phone and went to put it on the charger when I saw that I had a missed text. Hubby had texted me just minutes previously and asked what I was doing. God did that throw me off. Was he completely drunk? I didn't care and took it and responded modestly with showering the boy and folding clothes. I didn't want to mess this up too much and was just grateful that he was talking to me. We texted back and forth a couple of times throughout the evening and our son called him before we went to bed. I read him a book about Christmas and puppies and he fell asleep immediately afterwards. I fell asleep too right away.

Just knowing that you're worth talking to for a brief minute helped me to sleep too. I didn't feel so worthless. . . .today will be a better day I think as well.

Slow day and driving me nuts!

I am having a slow day at work today which doesn't help the brain. They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Well I'm sure that Satan is having a field day in mine today but I'm trying to think good things as hard as it may be.

I wrote earlier today and needed to get more out I think.

Through all of this turmoil that we've been through, I've lost friends. . . . what few that I have had, I have lost them all. My one friend who was Hubby was the last and I don't know how to take it but if I were to tell him how I felt now, alone and isolated I know he would tell me that I shouldn't have done what I did. True, I shouldn't have done what I did. I also shouldn't have been prescribed what I had been but I don't think anyone knew that until it was too late. Why is it that everyone that I have talked to about this medicine understands except for Hubby? I'm also afraid to ask him if he understands or even cares because I don't think that he does. He had told me that if I had another seizure that he wouldn't care, that he didn't love me, didn't care what happened to me, knew that I didn't love him (which isn't true by a long shot but that's just me talking) and some other things that cut deep to the core but I can't remember.

Point being is that we have said we are friends and I have FELT that we are friends. . . best of friends through all of this. Some of the time things have felt "off" or not quite right and I couldn't put my finger on it as far as the vibes I was getting from him after I left but now there is literally nothing. No kind words, no love, no niceness at all. Just nothing but hate from his end. I have never felt so much hate from one person before in my entire life directed right at me. It's bad enough to have lost him as a mate - fine and now to loose him as a friend is even worse but to absolutely hate the blood that courses through my veins is beyond taking him just not loving me anymore. I can't handle having just about anyone hating me. . . well that's not true because most people I could care a less if they hated me because most people don't know me that well but he is a different story. I can't even remember if I KNOW anyone that has hated me in my lifetime. Why does hate feel as awful as love feels awesome? Hate is the most horrible feeling in the world not to mention it is so ugly and does nothing but harm. I spent so much of my life disliking people but not "hating" them. There were only I think about 3 people in my life that I hated and I think now I will let it go after all of this. . . .I learned my lesson on that one.

People make mistakes and I made a grave and awful one. . .one that I do not think I will ever be able to make up nor be forgiven for. Because of that, I am afraid to ask for forgiveness and can barely talk to Hubby without him getting absolutely furious with me for whatever it is that I say. It is driving me nuts to not be forgiven. I'm not asking him to tell me that it was "okay" what I did but to just fucking forgive me. I have to deal with the fact that I have lost him as a soul mate and that we are strictly just dealing with each other as parents. I have no idea how he feels that his best friend attacked him and destroyed his new truck or that he no longer wants to deal with me. His mother said that she thought it scared him what he saw on Sunday. It probably did and with our son being there when it happened I'm sure he didn't know what to think. My son talked to me after all of that happened and told me that hitting was wrong and a big no-no and to never do it again.

I will just say this, through our relationship of 8 years, Hubby has done things that I have stuck by him and have hurt me so much. I didn't say anything to him at the time about it, was angry and then had to forgive him because I love him even though at times it would happen over and over again but I still forgave him. I just hope that one day he will forgive me for the awful things that I've done. . . .

Each Day

Yesterday was a good day for me. I have to take each one as they come right now.

Even being a good day yesterday, Hubby and I had a difficult time communicating yesterday. We did more of it but he was very angry and cold with me either on the phone or while texting. At one point in time he said something to me that I didn't know the answer to, said he wasn't going to sit on the phone while I sat all quiet so I didn't know what to do and hung up the phone. Next thing that came was a text on my phone from him asking if I wanted him to fuck me up and not to ever hang up on him again. It is going to take so long for his hatred towards me to subside and I know most people would say "Why do you even care?"

Because of our son.

I told him yesterday that if this is going to work for our boy that we have to try not to be so angry. He thought I was joking. I know he is furious with me and there's nothing I can do to change that but it's not helping the situation with our son. Hubby has had anger issues since I left and had told me (before the incident on Sunday) that he was just looking for a reason to "fuck someone up". He was telling me about S's ex at the time and how he had talked with him on the phone. To be honest with you, I don't know why he didn't lay me out on Sunday. If he did, I would be either in the hospital right now or dead. He makes more than 2 of me and is strong. Since I've lost so much weight and wasn't in my right mind, it wouldn't have taken much for anyone, let alone him to do some serious damage.

What I have to deal with now is the hate. When he speaks to me it is with such a loathing tone and such a hate filled pitch. . . like he can't even stand to talk to me. He told me yesterday that he can't even stand to look at me. What do you say to that? Okay? I had to. Nothing else to say. I can't fight anymore for my own well being so every word I speak to him now or text to him is like walking on eggshells. When I hung up on him yesterday, I apologized because honestly I didn't know what to say, froze and hung up. I've done the wrong things for so long, made the wrong choices without thinking and this is where most of it has gotten me. He made a comment yesterday as I was taking our son up to the house about how everything can't get much more fucked up because our son couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to go or not with me. Yeah, I'd agree. It can't get much worse than this.

There is a song by KORN called "Right Now" that before all of this happened, I had told him reminded me of how he feels about me. He told me at the time that no he doesn't hate me at all. I think if I asked him today, he would probably start singing the song to me.

The good parts of yesterday. . . .I picked our son up from Hubby yesterday and had him spend the night with me. We had dinner together, watched TV together, played together, went for a walk outside together, gave him a bath and put him to bed. He slept in bed with me last night and it was the best that I've slept in about a week and a half. Spending time with him felt so good and watching him made me realize that I left something and did something that was so detrimental that I hope that it doesn't cause any damage to our son. (I call him "our" because I didn't do it all by myself) Make it right, make it right, make it right. That's all I keep playing in my head.

How do you do that when you don't know where to start? I guess that's why I titled this post what I did.

All downhill from here

I saw a psychologist last night. . . a woman who is in her 60's. I found her on my own and was the second choice from my initial first. My gut said no on the first so don't ask.

I really like this woman. She asked a bunch of questions and we talked and she gave much needed advise. I told her about the medication that I was on and one of her strengths is dealing with people who have various medical conditions such as myself and with medications. She and I talked about the importance of watching what medications are put into an ecliptic's body. She also told me something that put my mind at ease more than most doctors have in a long time:

Epileptics tend to get angrier easier, cry easier and get happy easier - it's a known study.

I have not taken my Zoloft today and feel fine. I do not feel like a crazy person and feel as though I can think on my own. I don't have all kinds of weird thoughts going through my head and am focusing on my kids right now. Each day I have to find out how I can interact more with my son because right now I am severely limited on when and how long if at all the time that I can spend with him because of everything that has happened.

Hubby has made it very clear that our relationship is strictly parental based. That is still very hard for me to deal with but it's something that I have to accept. What is really hard to accept is when we do talk about our son in the small conversations that we have, he is very cold and short on the phone. I don't even have conversations with strangers like that on the phone but then again I didn't do what I did to him to a stranger. One by one my friend support system has vanished so maybe it's a good thing that some of this has come about.

Each day can only get better than the first now that it's behind me and I need to focus on myself and my kids.

Don't know where to begin. .. .

This story is long and complicated so I will keep it short.

The doctor put me on Zoloft to help with depression and on Ambien to help with sleeping. Sometimes the Ambien works sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I don't like the Zoloft. I don't like how it makes me feel and act and think. I don't feel like me and I don't feel like I know the people around me. The only thing different now is that I'm not crying. . . . .

I have an anger disorder which I've had for the majority of my life. I don't tell a lot of people about it because most of them laugh when I tell them so I just kept it to myself. I have spent my whole life overcoming it up until yesterday. Yesterday, I had something in my that I couldn't identify with except for when I was a teenager. It hurt and burned so deep and had no reasoning behind it just nothing but hurt which is extremely dangerous. All I wanted to do was destroy something, hurt it, hit something so that something else hurt as much as I did. So I not only hit Hubby but I threw a hammer at him and then kicked the side of his brand new truck about 6 times. I dented his truck door and probably did about $600 dollars worth of damage to it.

Reason for all of this?

I can't let go and move on.

I can't deal with Hubby being with another woman. I can't let go of my family and I can't let go of the fact that I have lost. I have lost so much that it hurts to the point where I can't see the good things in my life which is what I have to start doing which is starting with my kids. My kids are the most important thing to me in my life right now and always will be. How and why I lost sight of that, I could kick my own ass for loosing it.

Today was the first day and it was hard. I have more ahead of me which is not what I was saying last night. I have someone that I am seeing this evening that will help me work through my problems so I hope that everything works out. I'm tired of being upset, watching my kids from afar and not enjoying things that God put on this earth for all of us to enjoy. It can only get better.

Dr. Appointment

I have put in calls to my doctor this morning at 9a and at 11:30a to call me to make an appointment. I haven't gotten a call back and I need him to check me to make sure that I'm okay and nothing is majorly wrong. There's a number of symptoms that I have that have been all of a sudden within the past 2 months that are of a major concern to me and I want to make sure that it's taken care of before I become hospitalized if that is the case. . . .I'll just say that.

Home life has gotten not so much for the better and some for the better. . . .

I have to make sure my health is taken care first.

Loss of Sleep - Ugh. . . .

I got no sleep at all last night. That was after taking 2 Tylenol PM's knowing that I would probably not sleep well. I didn't think that I wouldn't be able to sleep at all though. At around 1am this morning I broke out in a drenched sweat and rolled from one side to the other all night.

The only time I sleep well is when Hubby is there.

I haven't slept well since I left. I've woke up at least 3-4 times a night unless I sleep down at the house with him. I feel like Linus who needs his big blue blanket and sucks his thumb.

I've tried drinking before I go to bed, that doesn't work. I've tried prescription tranquilizers and I still wake up even when I up the dosage. The last time that I didn't sleep through the night at all, I ended up at Hubby's house at 3 in the morning and tried to kick his ass, tore up the front patio and scared everyone including myself half to death. It took me 10 minutes afterwards to stop breathing hard that night or morning however you want to look at it. I literally went insane that night and know why. . . .

I can't shut my brain off, period.

I ask for things to do at work throughout the day to distract myself. When I get home, I am constantly cleaning or doing things to release my brain from thinking. Every night when I go to sleep I think and think and think. Last night I told myself to shut up and stop thinking but it didn't work. My brain is a mass of jelly right now.

So what do I think about?

Hmmmmm. . . . current situation which is getting worse and deeper by each passing day. I write in this blog to release what is in me. It's like purging for me right now. Half of this shit I can't dump or unload on anyone not to mention that there is nobody there for me to dump on and I wouldn't be able to do ALL of that to another human being. There's just too much there.

So, last night I came home and tried to explain to Hubby that I'm spent, tired, need help and cried. He told me to be strong. I told him that I was trying. Every day I try and get exhausted by the end of the day which usually ends up being the hardest. I rush home for more beatings to either spend time with our son and with Hubby. I can't have a conversation go by with him without hearing about something having to do with the current situation that S is in or going through or whatever. I don't mean to be cold but I'm not seeing her and I am not friends with her. I am dealing with what is left of our family and myself. I don't have the capacity to deal with what is going on in her personal life outside of Hubby. I went to the store last night to pick up some things and when I came back she was there and Hubby had told me a bit ago that if it bothered me so much not to look so I didn't. I didn't say much and dropped off what I picked up for him and glanced. She had said nothing to me as I had to her when I came up but the look on her face when I glanced at her was very interesting. . . .

Women.

Funny thing about women is that they are caddy, emotional, irrational and for me, very easy to read. It may take me a while to pick it out right away but that is how I am. My statement that I just made was not directed at S because I know ALL women are like this, count me in as well since I fall into that category. I know that I am all of the above. I also know that when you ask me where I'm coming from there are no guessing games. Most people that are around me know how I feel unfortunately, blame it on my mom if you want to. My mom told it like it was with no bullshit mixed in and led a hard life. I have not led the life that my mom had led but it's been no easy path. Point being that when I saw the look on S's face at the short look that I took of her last night was one that I will have imprinted in my brain for a long time. It was not a look of happiness or friendliness. She and I have not talked all that much nor do I know her. The look on her face was cold and one of intimidation. She was standing in front of her car smoking a cigarette with her side to Hubby. Hubby was looking at me as I walked his things to him and he told me to put them in the carport. In between that short conversation that he and I had where he was looking at me was when I glanced and saw. . . .

You can call me cold and untrustworthy and guarded. I'm just having to protect myself right now from getting anymore hurt.

One more for the day

I had to write again because I've had a day from hell not to mention that I'm sure that everyone else has too who is around me.

I beat myself up and I know that. I've done it for a long time if not my whole life. Through all of this I have beat myself up and asked Hubby for forgiveness. So much has been said that I don't know if in the flurry of words, arguments, ugly sayings and hurt if he did say he did or not. I have been walking on eggshells through all of this hoping that I don't say the wrong thing, hoping that I don't do the wrong thing. . . . hope, hope, hope.

Hurt right now doesn't even qualify the feelings that I have inside and I now know what Hubby felt like when I left him. I think that I've known that for a little bit but just couldn't identify it. The feeling of not having someone love you anymore is the most unbearable feeling in the world especially when you love that person so much that you would do beyond anything for them. . . even let them go. Crying does no good in this situation and that's all I can do is cry. I may cry my whole life about this and continue to beat myself up over all of this.

All I keep saying is I don't know what to do or what else to do because I can barely make decisions on my own at this point in time in my life. All I do know is that I need some serious help and I don't know what or who I am going home to tonight. I do know that my son won't be there though. I feel like everything has been completely and utterly lost and it is all my fault. . . .every last bit of it.

Falling Apart

I feel like my life is spinning out of control right now. I keep getting calls from daycare saying that our son is not behaving and that he misses us. I want to leave so bad and just commit myself.

I can't take much more of this if any at all. Seeing our son in such a mess is beyond hurtful right now. Hubby and I . . . I don't know where we are going and that's part of the reason why I want to commit myself because this is having an effect on our son.

Last night our son wanted to talk to God about Mommy, Daddy and him and how he misses the three of us. I told him it was okay to talk to him about that. He wanted to get in bed with me, he wanted to get up, he whined, he did all kinds of things that a normal 5 year old going through a broken relationship would do. He doesn't understand what's going on. Plus when we drop him off at daycare, he is out of control within an hour of him being there. It's almost 10am now and I haven't gotten a call back yet from the first one that I received earlier.

I have no family right now, I have no life right now, I have nobody (mate wise) that loves me back, I have a son who is in constant turmoil, I have a mate that I want that doesn't want me back who is so upset and confused and what's more has two people that love him. He told me last night that he's tired of being shit on and always giving to everyone else and getting nothing in return. He has been given a lot right now. Two people that love him whether he cares if one of those people love him or not. He has a son who is being taken care of no matter what takes place. His bills will be taken care of and are up to date. He has a job, new truck, a woman that he can talk to, go places with, love and spend time with. It seems like me being around has caused as much chaos as me leaving.

Last night he told me if some "dumb hooker" wouldn't have left this all wouldn't have happened. I told him that I can't change the past but move forward and try the best that I can to make right with the huge mistake that I made. I don't even know how to make it right except that I'm trying. Part of me wants to just go and part of me wants to stay and keep trying but I am not sure if I'm just exhausting myself.

One thing that I did not tell Hubby last night was that S doesn't have to try at all. She is there whenever he wants her. Call and she's there. Day off, let's spend it together. I'm upset, text me or call me and we'll either do lunch or talk. I literally have to gauge my time with him, check with him to see what bills need help, see who's picking up little man. I am so obsessed and exhausted with everything right now and it's been going on for so long that I want it all to end. I want everything to come to a screeching halt and stop, make a decision, move on, do something but all of this is so hard to see who it is taking a greater toll on. . . . is it him, me or our son?

I want everything to go back to normal, get some stability in ALL of our lives and move on. That may just not happen. But how long will I have to be strong to see when that day if it ever comes. S doesn't have to be strong right now for that day because she's not in my shoes. She just has to wait for someone to tell her that he can't be with her anymore if that day ever comes but from the way things are going, I don't see that happening for a long time.

Leaving on this note: I hurt for my son, I hurt for Hubby and I hurt for me. They say God puts no more in your life than you can currently handle. Good advise but I think that God has a VERY strange sense of humor right now. . . .

Our Weekend Trip

We had quite the adventure this weekend!

It rained (more like poured) in a few spots on our way down to our vacation spot. We got there and it was like old times.

I won't go into a lot of detail because there is a lot of it. But after the weekend Hubby had told me that we always have something happen when we go down. It's part of us going on our trip. I was upset on part of our trip because considering the circumstances, I wanted everything to go perfect. I wanted us to have a wonderful time and to have everything washed away and start anew. I should not just expect these things are going to happen because I want them to.

Hubby said something to me that meant a lot to me on Sunday. He said he wanted to get back with me so bad and wanted his simple life back. What did I do? I sat and listened. I didn't ask "Why don't you just say the word?" Our life is not simple right now. His life is not simple right now. And what I don't understand is if you want it so badly to change then why not do it?

I received a call today from our daycare provider. Our little boy had to be picked up because he was out of control from a bloody nose and was spitting blood in people's faces. Not only was the owner (whom I had been friend's with) rude with Hubby but very short with me which shocked and threw me off. I talked with Hubby and he asked that I start looking for another place because he was pulling him out. I called a bunch of places and then called Hubby and left a message. We have got to come up with some sort of a solution for all of this. We were gone all weekend and spent some time with him last night and then he went off to daycare this morning. I understand where he is coming from because he misses us and wanted to spend time with us. He is mad, frustrated and confused and acting out. He is not a happy child. So what do we as parents do about it? I don't know. We have some options but what is best for him? If we pull him out, then he has to start somewhere new and could start the same thing over again because of the fact that it's a new environment. We could put him on medication - not happening. His dad and I have already agreed upon that. We could send him to counseling but money is really tight right now and I don't know if we can afford it let alone take off work to do it.

So what do we do? I don't know and hope to sit down with Hubby this evening and see what will be best for all of us. He does the best under a routine. Going back and forth from one home to another and not seeing us all this weekend I think was the final straw for him. The only other thing that I can think of is to contact his pediatrician and see what he says. Either way, something has to change. All of us can't do this much longer. It's like a rubber band that's about to snap and has hit it's limit.

Relighting the Flame

I am all packed and at work with nothing to do and antsy as hell. Hubby and I spent another night together last night and I got another good night's sleep.

We sat outside last night and talked. He told me that I am on trail basically and that he has an empty heart to me right now and to me it's basically up to me to fill it up again. I told him that this weekend to me it's going to be like falling in love all over again for the first time. He told me that he is looking for that certain something that will make him forget about S. He told me that I am absolutely smokin hot and fun to be with but it's the love thing because I left and he feels like I left because I didn't have any love for him anymore. No matter what or how I tell him that's his feeling and I have to prove to him that's not the case.

Love is a very complex thing that can be built over time. Love at first sight can be torn down as quickly as it's picked up whatever the circumstances may be. However, love that has been built over the course of many years is hard to break and once it is, it is a bitch to overcome. I am proud of Hubby for wanting to find that love that I have for him. I may have it for him but he has to find it for me because of how much I've hurt him. He's done so much for me and helped me so much in so many ways.

This weekend is more than just wearing my new bikini, driving in a new truck and being on a boat away from everything. This weekend has a lot of meaning to me. I will be recording everything mentally like a sponge. Remembering why I left not only what's back home but when we go on trips together and mostly him.

Last night we were in bed and I was behind him talking to my mom. Every night he prays. . . believe me, I've interrupted him before and didn't know it so I think he was praying while I was talking to my mom. I asked her to help once again to find love in his heart for me that's there. It felt good and sent goosebumps up and down my arms when I was done talking to her because he popped his knuckles and stretched. . . I think he was done too. I don't know if my mom talks to him in his sleep or if he knows that I am begging with her to help with all of this but this weekend is something that I am taking very seriously. My family needs us, he needs his family and most of all he needs peace. I have such a huge smile on my face right now and sense of contentment. I think things will work out and I love my Hubby.

One more Day!!!!!!!!!!!

One more day and we are outa here! I am so stoked it's not even funny but talk about running around with your head cut off! I got off work, picked up the boy who by the way was so good at day care yesterday, dropped him off at his grandparents. Hubby was picking up his new truck for the lake and I went and got my nails done.

I came home and saw the truck. It is beautiful and beefy! It will definitely do the trick for what we need at the lake and pulling the boat in and out of the lake. It's dark and smoldering and tall and loud. It is super comfy inside and Hubby is so proud. Last night I helped clean out the bed of the truck and he cleaned out the inside while the boy was inside taking a shower. We had to get him ready for bed.

Last night was the second night in a row that I slept at Hubby's and I slept really well. I always do when he is next to me. That's why I can't wait for this weekend! I get to sleep next to him for at least 2 days in a row. Hubby didn't sleep so well. He hasn't been sleeping very well for a while. I wish he could get back on track. Sleep is one of those things that I have to have that most people push to the side and don't worry so much about. If you don't get enough sleep you become agitated, disoriented, crabby, in my case possibly have a seizure, see things, make decisions that you don't know why you made them, think about things too much. Sleeping helps your brain deal with the things that you can't do on your own when your awake not to mention letting your body rest. Hubby needs lots of rest with the line of work that he does. I hope he gets a good night's sleep this weekend. . . . he needs it bad.

We leave tomorrow after work. I have my new bikini a few clothes that I think I can wear but I have to get some clothes while we are down there because most of mine don't fit . . . they're too big. We are going to get the boat out on Saturday and boat most of the day. I can't wait. Hubby and I have the best time on that boat!

One of the biggest reasons why we need to go and scariest reasons is that we need to rekindle our love. We need to repair our relationship and every time we have had stress in the past we go out of town to unwind. When we went to the ballgame last weekend, it was like old times. We held hands, smiled at one another and enjoyed being together. I am really looking forward to that this weekend. No fights, no ugly words, working together as a team and appreciating what we have always had. We are turning phones off periodically so that we can just deal with us. Plus the roaming charges are ridiculous.

If I don't write tomorrow, don't take it personally. I'm coming in early tomorrow so that I can get out of here early! Keep your fingers crossed for us this weekend! I hope we have a blast!

A million questions

Last night Hubby asked me a bunch of scenarios of what if's. The first one I had a difficult time answering and he got pissed because it was a simple yes or no question. I finally did answer and then the questions came rolling in from him.

I feel like I'm on trial. I feel like I'm being compared and in competition again. I feel unworthy and worst of all I feel untrustworthy which is my fault. I don't know how you gain another person's trust or how someone can just fall out of love with you but those are all feelings that I have right now. He told me that he didn't want to see anymore women crying. I'm sorry. I'm beat up right now, lonely, depressed, worried, angry, anxious and fearful.

We are going on a trip this weekend to find ourselves again. What happens when we get back? Will I be in the back seat again? Will it be like it has been for the past couple of months?

I spent the night last night and it was so hard to explain it but it was like his lawyer had told him not to do or get too close or befriend me. It was like being with a different person. It was like it was near the beginning when I had left and came back. I feel like I just hit a home run and they told me to go back to home plate and MAYBE I might be able to swing the bat again if I can do it right this time. I woke up at 3p last night because of a storm in the area. I had lots of things on my mind. Do touch Hubby, don't touch Hubby. What if he moves out of the house and into her's with our son what will happen? What will happen with us? Is us over? I don't know. Last night it felt over. We are going on this trip and I so desperately want to have a great time with him but I can't make someone enjoy me. They have to do that on their own. I'm ready to be all alone with him just he and I. But when we come back, will those good times just be a memory or will he want to be with me all the time? I don't know. . . .

I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up. God I know I fucked up. To the point where I just want to smile, forget that I fucked up so bad, get my family in order, forget about her, forget that Hubby is still upset with me, I want to laugh at stupid jokes, take care of our home and child and him, go shop for food and stuff we need, wash the car, go to work, rub lotion on his back when he gets baked, drink with him, watch him play video games when I get home. . . . God most of all I want him to just love me more than anything else. Without his love for me and my love for him, our family will be no more and right now that is what is so terrifying to me.

Sounding Funny and a Bad Feeling

You know when you've known someone for so long that the tone of their voice you know something is REALLY wrong? I got that from Hubby this morning.

I texted him a little last night and when I briefly talked to him he sounded different on the phone to me but I just took into consideration that whatever it was that he was talking about with S was not the time to call. I texted him this morning and he was really short saying he was at work. I wanted to talk to him to see if everything was okay so I called him. He said he was all freaked out and that it wasn't me and that he would talk to me later.

I cannot shut my brain off. It is nearly impossible for me. I try to do things to pass the time. I've worked on projects hoping that I don't fuck them up because my mind is racing. I don't know what things are happening around me or if they even have anything to do with me. I told Hubby that I was scared when I got off the phone and I don't know what to think. This all happened at around 9:30am this morning so I have the rest of the day to calm down and hope that he does too and will either tell me what is freaking him out so much or just tell me that everything is okay and to not worry about it.

Either way, I have a really bad feeling that something just isn't right about this and whatever happened last night.

Squeezing in Time

I have a lot planned this week to get our trip together. I'm so looking forward to going. I need this trip (we need this trip) more than anything right now. We are stressed, beat down, can't relax, can't focus, can't be happy right now. This is just what we need. Even if it rains, I'm walking barefoot down to the lake to enjoy the peacefulness with a bottle of Corona!

I had a list of stuff to talk to Hubby about when I got home. He told me she was coming over to hang out and talk. I asked him how much time I had and he told me. I hurried up and got there quickly. Our son was playing with the neighbor kids and she had called to say she was closer than what Hubby had anticipated. I started breathing really shallow and getting antsy because I didn't want to get angry. I'm working hard on that and I wanted to remain calm so I guess I should have worked on some breathing techniques to help.

She got there and Hubby and I talked about what was going on during the week before our trip. Our little guy got a nose bleed and he went in to check on him. Hubby came out to talk for a little bit more and asked if I wanted to go check on him together. He grabbed my butt, kissed me and told me that this will all work out just wait and see. I will.

I went up to the hill last night and did my nightly routine. My MIL got deathly ill with her bowels and throwing up. My son wasn't helping any with his attitude but we got it under control. I got her cleaned up and situated with FIL's help. I got little one in bed and he called his Daddy to say good night. Afterwards he handed me the phone and he sounded different and I asked if everything was okay. He said he had to go and that he loves me.

Later I went downstairs, poured a shot of crown for my cramps, poured honey on my face for a bit, took a hot shower and laid in bed after brushing teeth and taking pills. I laid on my back and thanked my mom for being there for me and to continue to help us all. I let her know I missed her so much but knew she was there.

My life is short as is everyone else's. I'm trying the best that I can to do with what I have. Even if it's for brief moments this week, I will squeeze in little bits of time here and there with my family until this weekend. Then this weekend, I won't have to squeeze in so much anymore. At least I'll have a few days of peace and so will he.

Interesting Weekend

I spent a lot of time with Hubby and the little one this weekend. We had plans to go to the baseball game on Sunday, spent some time together on Saturday and all three of us spent the night together on Friday which was a blessing because it stormed like crazy that night and our little man was scared. Daddy comforted him, put him bed with us, went and laid on the couch for while and then moved him back. He's a great dad.

The baseball game was a different story. I was looking forward to a much needed outing to something that Hubby absolutely loves. We had never been to the new stadium so this was a treat for us not to mention that we were in a party box. Free food and beer. We were set. Before we went, S had stopped by to drop off a jersey for Hubby that she had bought him.

We went to the game and sat in our seats. Just to the left and right below us she was there with a co-worker. The whole thing was very strange and bizarre. Hubby had even asked me if I thought it was weird. Not only was it weird but she had on a matching jersey. The whole thing was very strange and it was hard for me to concentrate on the game, the fact that we were winning and that this was going to be a good time for us.

We went outside for the final time to smoke and Hubby asked if I wanted to leave. . .this was getting uncomfortable to him. I'm not sure why because we've all hung out before but I think this was different somehow. We left and went home to play washers and drink.

I changed clothes, got our little man and came back to the house. He was on the phone with her and something was wrong. Long story short, she had been attacked at the game. Hubby was saying had he only just stayed this wouldn't have happened. I tried to put things into perspective by telling him that people get attacked everyday and move on. She's not in the hospital, didn't get raped and is okay. Just scared. Part of me is leery of a lot of this because there are things that just don't either feel right or make sense; one of the two but somethings not jiving. I think with as serious as it was, Hubby would have had her come over but didn't. I'm not sure why he didn't ask me to leave and have her come over to console her but he didn't. He had said that there seemed something not right about some of this and we talked about it.

This whole thing is very strange. I hope everything will be okay for everyone.

Trust

Yesterday I had a mix of emotions going on with Hubby and I. We are working hard on our relationship and there have been a bunch of ups and downs within the past 24 hours. Trust has been a big one. I wrote about it in one of my earlier entries.

S came over to Hubby's last night to vent and talk. Hubby has a big heart and wanted to help her as he would anyone. I was really worried that something bad was going to happen. This is one of those things that I have to change in me. It's a slow process and not the easiest but it has to be done in order for me to be happy, for us to be happy and for our family to be happy. I also have to trust Hubby that he will work with me together in being patient and letting me change and giving me the room to do so which he has done so far.

Last night I was supposed to watch a movie with my MIL and we couldn't get the damn thing to work so I just went to bed and read. I texted Hubby good night and that I love him. I read for a little bit, turned out the light and talked to my mom. I asked her to comfort Matt through all of this and to hold his had and wash away the grief, worry and pain. I also asked her to help him remove the huge bolder that is on his shoulders right now so that his burden could be lightened. I asked her to gather all of the people that she had around her right now to help him find strength within us and himself and help him feel it. I actually felt a kiss on the right side of my forehead and felt at peace at that moment. I thanked my mom for holding my hand and being there with me and showing me that patience is a tough thing to wait on and trust is an even bigger thing to have faith in. I was so angry with my mom for leaving and I told her last night that she has been with me all along no matter what has happened. She has given me signs and told me that things will be okay. She has come to me in dreams and walked me through tough decisions, pain and heartache which sometimes hasn't gone away but I have had to trust that it will. I think she was talking through Hubby about trust and not just trusting him but just trusting most things in general. That is what doesn't make me happy and what is holding me back.

Even though my mom is not alive today, she is with me and with all of us. She has Hubby's family up with her helping her help us and seeing us through all of this and beaming when something good comes our way. Sometimes I don't understand things because my head becomes clouded with worry, other times it is crystal clear.

Scared

I am so fucking scared right now. I talked to Hubby just now and he told me that S wanted to come over and hang out and he didn't know what he was going to do because he was tired. She gets off at 7a so she won't be there until later. Last night was a stepping stone for Hubby and I and I want things to slowly work for us. He told me that too. I have to trust him but I don't know what her intentions are and I know she is super hurt but Hubby is really confused and hurt and doesn't know what to do.

I am so scared that she will do whatever it takes to get him back. I'm scared that she will spend the night again and then what do I do with that? Do I keep trying? It's hard to work on a relationship and a family when there's another person involved that you don't know what kind of move they are going to make. My intentions are pretty on target. I know what I want and will do whatever it takes to make things work but what if spending the night with someone else comes into the picture? Will I be able to compromise? Can I handle that? I don't even know if it will happen or not! I am just freaking out because I have a little bit of hope that things will work out and I am so fucking unbelievably scared right now that it will all just blow away in the wind because of confusion and hurt feelings.

What do I do and how do I handle this??????????????

What should I call this?

Yesterday I had a wild day at work. I was worn out by the time I came home. Hubby and I were supposed to go pick up his new truck but it wasn't done and he was getting aggravated I think that it's been taking so long. Our son was playing up at the house with a friend where he and I are staying. I went up there, changed clothes, snuck some meds in my purse with some money and got our little one together and headed down to Daddy's house for all of us to play together.

He and I played washers, drank and talked a little. He had a lot on his mind I could tell and didn't feel like talking. He wasn't very physical either which I knew he was mulling things over in his mind. We played a few games (all of which I lost but I held him pretty good through most of them). Our son played on his four wheeler and ran in the field. It felt really good to be all together and just hang out and be peaceful.

We played our final game and Hubby already had dinner going for our son. We smoked, drank and talked and little man ate his food. Afterwards it was shower time. We got him in the shower and then Hubby and I went back out on the porch for more talking. There's a lot to get through. I have a bad outlook on a lot of things. Things that most people see the bright side of, I see how will this hurt me. I've always been like that and it's going to be a hard thing to adjust in me. It will probably come in spurts until it becomes comfortable to me and is something that I enjoy and can trust. That was another topic of conversation. Trust. We were throwing washers and I was at one end of the box and Hubby threw and I jumped out of the way. He was proving a point that I don't trust him. How? I don't know but he's right. I think that the only thing that I don't trust about him is some of the big stories that he has told me that border on lying. I've been with him for so long that I can pretty much pick those out though. I'm going to have to trust him on a lot of things. He's never cheated on me and has taken care of me in some of my greatest time of need. Those are all trust things that I know I have with him. Same with him from me.

We talked some more, got our son out of the shower and got him to bed. Ordered a pizza and were worn out. We were going to watch a movie and I asked him if he wanted me to go up to the house. He slyly asked in that "man tone" did you bring your medicine because everyone knows I'm a snake in the grass but it wouldn't hurt to bring it. I ate that food like I hadn't eaten in months. We watched family guy which I haven't watched TV in about a month so it was a treat for me not to mention eating it with Hubby.

We brushed teeth and went to bed. . . .an hour or so later and then got up and smoked one of the best cigarettes I've had in a long time. Finding more "fire" in the "spark" that we have right now is going to take some time to build but we can do it and I'm not just talking sexually. We have one of the most magnificent relationships and many tools to work with to get it back there. We just have to remember where they are and how to use them on each other. We will be going to our special place next weekend to do some boating and spending time together. I am so looking forward to it. I hope that it is a good trip but after last night, "what comes next"? Slowness. That's what comes next. All of this needs to be slow and we need to remember. I am in agreement with him on that. We have a wonderful family that has been beyond damaged and needs serious repair. It will take time to repair that.

Hubby did say something last night that did hurt me and I don't think he meant to but was just being honest. He was talking about his family and didn't know if he saw me in that picture; just him and his son. I almost started crying which I'm pretty all cried out and he is tired of seeing it truthfully. He followed up with telling me that there are things within me that can change that will change that. Inside I was screaming "BUT I AM SO TRYING!!!!!!!!" It's hard but I am and I know why. . . happiness. I have not been the happiest person my whole life and he is trying to show me that I will have to change in order to find happiness. . . .not let things get to me, not let people make me angry and brush things off. Life is too short to care who is out to get you and how you can fuck someone else's world up. If that's and epiphany, then I just had one here in my chair. So honey, if you are listening, thank you for opening my eyes on that once again and know that I am trying. I have certain buttons that will be pushed and I have to either get rid of the buttons or just not care that their there but either way, they are not as important as my family right now.

Good Morning?. . . What Morning?

I got home yesterday and Hubby and I went to get our little one's staples taken out. He was so brave and good. His dad knelt in front of him while they were being taken out and the tears just dripped. But he did it and got a reward. We were so proud of him and later told him that the "staple fairy" would come.

One the way there, Hubby told me that he had asked S to move out and was pretty quite about it. We picked up some beer and talked for a while at the house about what had happened. She is sad and cried all night the night before and all day yesterday and told him how much she loved and missed him. He said he wants to work on his family but it is going to take time to get over her. I understand that. It always takes time to get over something that you love be it a family member or a mate.

I asked him if he wanted our son to stay with him last night and he said no because he wanted to just be alone. She had some things to pick up that she had left and had still not picked them up yet. Something told me this was going to be a long night for me and it was. I couldn't sleep even with some help. I was up at 9:30pm telling him I couldn't sleep and heard her in the background. I felt like I was violating something again. I asked him if she was spending the night and he said he doubt it. He had told me earlier a clean break would be best but what is this? Watching a movie and hanging out?

If we are going to work on our stuff with each other it's going to be a long and hard road with no distractions. Those are going to be mega speed bumps in our relationship. I did not sleep well at all last night. I had night mares. Woke up and puked because of one of the night mares. I think I texted him at like 3a in the morning. When I left this morning her car was there. She had spent the night. I feel very hurt right now because I don't know what to think or do. I'm sure she's hurt too. I know Hubby is hurt. . . let's not even go into what our son is feeling right now because at this point he is on a roller coaster.

So to quote "Fear and Loathing" What's next? Hubby said he thought I would be doing back flips and ecstatic. I haven't talked to him yet today but can't help but wonder if some of this was planned, I have a lot of questions and don't know how to feel right now. I want to hold him and tell him that things will work out but we have to do it together not as a threesome as appealing as that sounds to most men. I don't know if he told me that to keep me from getting hurt. I know he was very hurt yesterday. He doesn't like to hurt anyone. I have noticed a pattern with this girl though. This is the second time he has broke it off with her and each time she cries all day and won't stop. I just don't get it. Hubby is a wonderful person and has a lot to offer. But slowly I am dying inside because I don't know "What's next" and what will happen.

Back flip? I feel like I just did a back flip over a brick wall that's 10 feet tall and I didn't make it. Maybe next time I will if the wall was just a little shorter. I can't wait to talk to Hubby to find out what I'm doing because half the time within the past 12 hours I don't know.

This Weekend

This weekend was so-so for me. I had a good time up until Sunday night. I went down with our son and played games, barbecued and drank and had a good time. Then it was time for us to go up to the house. I got our son to bed and got myself ready to wind down. It was dark and I changed my clothes and got ready to go outside to smoke. Afterwards I was going to get into the hot tub.

While I was smoking, I noticed that Hubby had all the front porch lights on and that he and S were outside making out (looked more like they were doing WAY more than that) and I almost threw up right over the balcony of the house. My nerves were a wreck. I finished my smoke and got into the hot tub. When I get upset I have to move around. I only stayed in the hot tub for a few minutes and then got out. I went up stairs and didn't even shower. I just changed clothes and took two tranquilizers. I needed something to get my mind off of what I just saw.

See through out all of this, Hubby has always said that he would never do anything romantic in front of me with her out of respect. Not that I don't realize that happens behind closed doors but I really do appreciate that. I don't feel like it's being rubbed in my face and to be honest, I didn't really know how I would react should I see something like that but I did. I went to bed and cried until the pills started working. I got up the next morning to go to my daughters house. Beforehand I stopped and told Hubby what I had seen and he told me he was very sorry.

On the way back from Sissy's house I cried all the way home. I hurt, was confused, I felt like I had violated someone. Hubby had told me just recently that he couldn't take it if he saw me with another guy. I know what he means. I can see someone standing next to him but not sitting on him and rubbing all over each other. It still makes me feel awful. The only time I think I would be okay with it is if we were in a strip club paying someone. At least then she would go away.

Last night we did not have a good conversation at first when I pulled in. I said things that I shouldn't have said in front of her (she's there about 75% of the time there so it's hard to get a 1 on 1 with him most times) and I know I made her uncomfortable. I wasn't intending to. I was hurt and wanted people to know that. I don't know what is holding my heart together because it keeps shattering. Between my mom, my kids and Matt, it slowly gets put back together piece by piece and then gets smooshed all over again. Either I have a big heart or a strong heart, one of the two.

I have to get going, I have lots of work to do today and am leaving early to get our little man's staples taken out today! I hope that goes okay. . . . no more space suit I hope!

What to think?

I got off of work last night and went to Hubby's as that was where our son was at. I had done a lot of "work" at work and needed to talk to him. I had done a breakdown of payment to him while I was there in addition to other things that needed to occur. I was emotionally worn out.

I got there and he looked good but has lost weight, his face was worn and he just plain looked tired and I don't mean tired from putting in a hard day's worth of work.

He and I went over bills, his situation with S and her daughter and I just pretty much listened when it came to that. He knows he's not happy. He said he's happy with her and I told him that there's a difference with being happy with "how" someone is with you vs. being happy together as a couple. He agreed. . . .big difference. He and I have always complimented each other even to this day:

• I'm small, he's big
• I'm dark haired, he's blond
• He knows about cars and I don't
• I know about gardening and he doesn't
• He teaches me about his job
• I try to teach him about mine
• He teaches me about the boat
• I have green eyes
• He has blue eyes
• He is kind
• I am vicious
• He let's go of grudges
• I hold on to grudges depending on how deep they run
• I have a good sense of character
• Hubby be friend's just about everyone
• Hubby has lots of friends
• I do not

Now for things that set us back:

• We both have bad tempers
• We both find fault with the other
• Both critical
• We both have a hard time letting things go
• We both are set in our ways
• When we are angry with each other we take it out on each other and push each others buttons because we know what they are just to hurt the other person

Now how do we change to make things work:

• Listen
• Not be so literal and take things so seriously
• Communicate more
• Tell each other "why are you here with me?" It should be pretty obvious
• Know that when an argument starts that it shouldn't be that bad to begin with and is it really THAT worth it especially after ALL of this?????
• Both be happier with not just each other but the people that we are around each day including complete strangers

Our list of compliments is a lot longer than the bad stuff and what needs to be fixed isn't that much either. They are all just hard things. That's if any of this gets to that point.

I slept the best that I've slept in so long last night. Our son was skipping around the house and making all kinds of goofy noises. He saw Hubby and I kiss and hug and had to pull me away a couple of times because he said it was time to go. He also was picked up by his daddy and all three of us hugged like we used to. Our son kissed both of us on the cheek and it felt so awesome to have all three of us holding each other. . . our little family.

I know that if things work out that I have a lot of things that I have to change and a long road ahead of me but I am damn sure that I can do it. Now it's a matter of whether or not Hubby will give me the chance to show him that I can do these things.

He made my toes curl last night and I remembered, he looked at me in that way that he used and my panties got wet, he stood behind me to crack my back and lightly kissed my neck and my heart began to skip a few beats, he blurted out that he missed me so fucking much and I about cried. Thanks mom for reminding me how important, powerful and exhausting love can be. I love you both.

Reality is Setting in

I have been exposed a couple of times to the situation that's going on with Hubby and S living at Hubby's house with her daughter and with our son. Our son is staying with me this week because his head got split open on Saturday and we want him to stay in a calm environment that it can heal.

Before I start, I love Hubby very much. I always have no matter what people say, think or do nor what my actions may have been. What I am also about to say has nothing to do with the fact that Hubby and S are a "couple" (It might somewhere down the road but that's not what's driving it).

I have heard very little (at least anything plausible) about this girl and have watched a bit from a distance to see if I can see what Hubby sees. . .still looking. . .sorry. She's nice and pretty and has a decent car and job. Bout it. She also has a child that she has absolutely no control over who is mouthy, disrespectful to adults and spoiled. I would say that about any child who acted that way, it's nothing personal. I worked in daycare as a teacher for a while and love kids. When I go drop or pick up my son, I talk to all the kids there which some of them are like (we will call her A) A. Some of the teachers have a really hard time dealing with these kids because they railroad all over them because they know what buttons to push and how far to go. It's all a game and as the old saying goes. . . ."the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Most kids are the way they are because of their parents. My daughter is a spitting image of me. Our son is a spitting image of his dad with a little of me mixed in there. See? Apples.

Respect is a big thing to me. For a while lately I have not respected myself enough to take care of myself. Respecting another individual for who they are is an even bigger deal to me. I may not know you very well but your actions will dictate some of that. It's hard for me to have respect for someone who cannot control their child after being basically a single parent and then have someone that you've only know for a month step in and be that father figure. Not fair to that child, definitely a convenience to her, not fair to our son and wearing Hubby out (sorry but you can see it).

Our own son is a handful. It's taken a lot of hard work from BOTH of us to get him to where he is today. Hubby told me not too long ago that our son doesn't listen to me at all. Not true. This whole week, we have compromised, been given choices and I have not allowed him to be in control of the situation that he wants to create if the time is not appropriate (i.e. bed, shower, eating, etc.) Hubby wants no more children yet is taking on another, can hardly control her child and then deal with ours who is so messed up in the head right now because of what's going on, what is going to happen?

Hubby told me last night that he wants to take all of them down to our special place. That freaked me out. Our son is enough to watch but two kids that don't mind that feed off of one another? What if something happens and one of them gets hurt? Christ! I was just up the hill when his head got cut what if they are 500 miles away? This is a huge concern for me. I already know that this is all going to cause a mega fight. Words will be exchanged, Hubby will think that I am fucking with his happiness and that all I care about is me. None of that is true. I want to make sure that our son will be in a safe environment where he is well taken care of. This is all bugging the crap out of me and all I want to do is talk to Hubby alone about this because this is our issue. I just wish we could go somewhere and talk alone and get some of this crap out. . . . .God I hope a big fight doesn't start.