Each Day

Yesterday was a good day for me. I have to take each one as they come right now.

Even being a good day yesterday, Hubby and I had a difficult time communicating yesterday. We did more of it but he was very angry and cold with me either on the phone or while texting. At one point in time he said something to me that I didn't know the answer to, said he wasn't going to sit on the phone while I sat all quiet so I didn't know what to do and hung up the phone. Next thing that came was a text on my phone from him asking if I wanted him to fuck me up and not to ever hang up on him again. It is going to take so long for his hatred towards me to subside and I know most people would say "Why do you even care?"

Because of our son.

I told him yesterday that if this is going to work for our boy that we have to try not to be so angry. He thought I was joking. I know he is furious with me and there's nothing I can do to change that but it's not helping the situation with our son. Hubby has had anger issues since I left and had told me (before the incident on Sunday) that he was just looking for a reason to "fuck someone up". He was telling me about S's ex at the time and how he had talked with him on the phone. To be honest with you, I don't know why he didn't lay me out on Sunday. If he did, I would be either in the hospital right now or dead. He makes more than 2 of me and is strong. Since I've lost so much weight and wasn't in my right mind, it wouldn't have taken much for anyone, let alone him to do some serious damage.

What I have to deal with now is the hate. When he speaks to me it is with such a loathing tone and such a hate filled pitch. . . like he can't even stand to talk to me. He told me yesterday that he can't even stand to look at me. What do you say to that? Okay? I had to. Nothing else to say. I can't fight anymore for my own well being so every word I speak to him now or text to him is like walking on eggshells. When I hung up on him yesterday, I apologized because honestly I didn't know what to say, froze and hung up. I've done the wrong things for so long, made the wrong choices without thinking and this is where most of it has gotten me. He made a comment yesterday as I was taking our son up to the house about how everything can't get much more fucked up because our son couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to go or not with me. Yeah, I'd agree. It can't get much worse than this.

There is a song by KORN called "Right Now" that before all of this happened, I had told him reminded me of how he feels about me. He told me at the time that no he doesn't hate me at all. I think if I asked him today, he would probably start singing the song to me.

The good parts of yesterday. . . .I picked our son up from Hubby yesterday and had him spend the night with me. We had dinner together, watched TV together, played together, went for a walk outside together, gave him a bath and put him to bed. He slept in bed with me last night and it was the best that I've slept in about a week and a half. Spending time with him felt so good and watching him made me realize that I left something and did something that was so detrimental that I hope that it doesn't cause any damage to our son. (I call him "our" because I didn't do it all by myself) Make it right, make it right, make it right. That's all I keep playing in my head.

How do you do that when you don't know where to start? I guess that's why I titled this post what I did.