Clarity

It's getting to the point where I write and forget to put something in and have to write a second post. Oh well. . . .I don't think anyone is reading these anyway.

I titled this post what I did because through everything that has happened, so many shades of gray have presented themselves and no "black" or "white" issues have either been resolved or discussed. The infamous "I don't know" has been on the back, front and side burner of the stove and everyone unfortunately has gotten burned because of it. I have sit back for a while now and knew what my intentions were and what I wanted. There was no "I want you and then I'm going to leave" even though I did it twice before and reason why I say that is because if I had to go through this from leaving it isn't worth it to any of us if I were to leave. I felt on trial for the longest time and for what? Nothing. I feel as though everything that I said and did was for nothing. See I thought that if I told Hubby how I really felt and showed him that I really and truly do love him that he would understand. Now that I look back on it, I don't think that he was even able to pay attention long enough to see where I was coming from let alone make a decision on how to deal with what I was throwing in his direction and I don't mean a hammer either.

"I don't know. . . . " ever heard the saying of not making a decision is the same as making one? Hubby had a choice to make between two women and not having the clarity of knowing which one that would be was maddening. Not knowing and having the clarity of what he was telling her would be the future was maddening. This is what I'm talking about with shades of gray. She may have been told plenty of "black" and "white" stories but I didn't know what was to come next or where I stood. Every day I was just hoping for an hour or two alone with him to be able to have a chance. What kind of life is that? That is someone in love. That is someone who is in a little boat in a vast sea hoping for some help and seeing nothing. Oh I felt things from Hubby and "interpreted" different things that he told me that made me feel good but did he mean it? Deep down inside I think he did.

That's why I titled this post "Clarity". I have taken clarity for granted my whole life. It is so important to say what you mean and not what you think that someone wants to hear. Even if it takes you three hours to spit it out it is better than saying something you don't mean just because you can't face the other person's reaction. Being clear about how you feel and being clear about your intentions are so important. That is something that I can see as clear as day right now. Before I was too preoccupied with whether or not Hubby was going to "choose" or not to know what was going on. I always had that little glimmer of hope that he was going to come riding in on a horse and say "nightmare is all gone honey. . . .let's go home" but it never happened. Now I don't know what I have. . . . clarity again. . . .the easiest way to deal with that is to put it in simplest terms. I have a roof over my head, a job and children. The other things will come given time if it is in my future but for now it is not sad as it sounds.