Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Missing the Boat

Some days I feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short. More recently I have felt that way. If only I had gotten there quicker or done it faster or thought of it first then maybe I would be on top.

The current situation that I am in I am fighting for my family and the love that will make me whole. Fighting? Yes. I am having to fight against something that is younger than I am and quicker than I am in getting to him. Allowing me the time to be able to prove and show and spend quality time together so that we can rekindle what we had is so hard right now. Every minute that I get to spend with him is so important to me. You don't realize what is gone until it's no longer there. I litterally feel like I'm in the middle of a romantic reality TV show and I'm one of those obnoxious girls that is going to get kicked of in the next episode.

I found out a few things. I found out that Hubby took this girl, our son and her daughter out to have ice cream one night. As silly as it sounds, it hurt me deeply because I wanted to go do that with him as a family and for 5 years we had the chance to do that and never did. I felt cheated and slighted. Also, 4th of July was a holiday that he and I would go and spend time remembering why we were together. We would go out of town for about a week and play, have fun and enjoy each other. Once again, someone else has beat me to the punch and he may be going to a different state all together. I found out yesterday that Hubby and the girl went to lunch. There have been plenty of times when our relationship has been on the rocks and I asked him to come up to lunch and he didn't. Why? All I wanted to do was spend time with him for a little while in our busy day.

This whole thing is like fishing and throwing a line and not catching a break to save my life. Yes, yes, yes, this is all my fault. Point taken. I want to plan a trip with my check that I will be getting from the government with him just the two of us to get away. I don't care when and I don't care where. . . although the sooner the better and I think I know where I want to go. I want to remember why we loved each other for 8 years. What else is there to do except be ther and lend a listening ear?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Limbo

As some of you know I have moved out about a month ago. I thought it was for the best. . .me. As usual, it was for me and nobody else. I don't usually do anything for me but when I do, it's to the extreme. I thought I deserved better and thought that I could handle being on my own again. I know I can do it but I don't want to.

Hubby found someone else who apparently makes him happy but I don't think that deep down inside he is. I can look at him and know just by looking in his eyes that he is a broken soul and knowing that I did that just crushes me. Many of you are going "but Issy! Look at all of the things that Hubby did to you!!!" Yes, Hubby did many things to me and for me. I am going to put a boring list of those things that either you can choose to read or not:

  • Loves me
  • Went through hell and back and are still going through it
  • Dealt with a miscariage
  • Dealt with a death of two brothers
  • Dealt with the death of my mother
  • Dealt with a disfunction family
  • My best friend
  • Someone that I can take care of
  • Someone who I could trust to take care of me when it came to my seizures
  • Someone who if asked would give me the world
  • Gave me a son
  • Gave me eight years of myself and his
  • Taught me how to tolerate
  • Taught me how to be patient
  • Taught me how not to hate
  • Taught me how to be open
  • Showed me that I am beautiful
  • Told me that I was a super mom

This is a short list compared to reality. My reality is is more complex than above. I don't get to cook for my familyk, do laundry for my family, lay down with my family, take care of my man, love my man. . . I have to love him from a far. I was so angry with him and I don't know why. I can analyze it all day long and it won't matter. What is done is done and I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. No matter what I do is wrong and I am trying to find the answers to get things one by one back to where they can be to make every one happy and whole. That's the whole point. Nobody in this situation is whole. Everyone is broken in some way.

It was Hubby's birthday this past weekend. I bought him a watch from me, a figurine from his little boy and baked him a yummy cake. When he came up he already had a watch on that another girl had bought him and didn't want the cake. It hurt. It seems that no matter what I do to show him that I love him, it's wrong. I can't change the past but can rectify it. I love him for all of his good qualities and his bad, just the same as what I would want someone to do for me. We all have good and bad in us and when we find someone that is willing to accept us for both and not just the good then that is your sould mate. Someone that is willing to walk through those dark times with you when you feel most alone. When I left, I know I did a terrible thing. I am so ashamed of what I did and wish I had just stayed. I want to ask him so badly "what can I do to make it so?" It seems like all he sees in me are my bad qualities and none of the good. Time heals all wounds and I'm hoping that is the case for this one.

The good out of all of this is that I am spending more time with my son. I love him very much and hope he can be the big band aid that can patch things up with us.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Update

I haven't written in almost 2 months! I'm awful!

I've gone through a lot of changes within the last two months. Some for the good, others not so much.

I moved out of my home 3 weeks ago and am staying with my good friend Barbarian and her hubby. So far everything is going very well with the arrangement. They have a very happy household and is even keel there. I have been looking online each day and calling places to rent. I haven't rented a place in 15 years so this is all somewhat new to me. . . especially the prices! And then there's the credit checks, yuck. I have 3 places that I'm looking at within the next week that I'm excited about so we'll see. Now all I need is furniture to fill up the blasted place and I'll be set. . . .

Then there's the severed ties from the past with my old hubby. That whole scenario is like a ship getting ready to capsize in the middle of a turbulent storm. Talking on the phone just to situate basic tasks is cumbersome. It may start out as somewhat civil and then blow up into this big, ugly shouting match usually coming from him. I've stayed pretty quiet through all of this. I don't have much to say. A lot of what has fueled the whole "break up" had to do with his mouth and how I was being treated and the role he was taking in not only our relationship but our son's. Some days I think I did the right thing and others I don't. I know my friends will smack me for saying that. I had one who asked me how I could question my choice but I did. I don't expect anyone to relate to what I did or am going through or to be able to understand all of the complex and confusing feelings that I have right now. I can't even identify half of the feelings that I am having right now. Unfortunately I have a really bad habit of turning things off when I don't like how I feel especially when it's lasting for a long period of time. Right now I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable. I'm going through the motions of a lot of things yet not making any major decisions.

I miss my son terribly. It's hard when someone is telling you that you are a piece of trash and that you don't amount to anything. I'll have to write later. . .right now there's just too much to say and it's just way to hard to say it all.