Don't know where to begin. .. .

This story is long and complicated so I will keep it short.

The doctor put me on Zoloft to help with depression and on Ambien to help with sleeping. Sometimes the Ambien works sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I don't like the Zoloft. I don't like how it makes me feel and act and think. I don't feel like me and I don't feel like I know the people around me. The only thing different now is that I'm not crying. . . . .

I have an anger disorder which I've had for the majority of my life. I don't tell a lot of people about it because most of them laugh when I tell them so I just kept it to myself. I have spent my whole life overcoming it up until yesterday. Yesterday, I had something in my that I couldn't identify with except for when I was a teenager. It hurt and burned so deep and had no reasoning behind it just nothing but hurt which is extremely dangerous. All I wanted to do was destroy something, hurt it, hit something so that something else hurt as much as I did. So I not only hit Hubby but I threw a hammer at him and then kicked the side of his brand new truck about 6 times. I dented his truck door and probably did about $600 dollars worth of damage to it.

Reason for all of this?

I can't let go and move on.

I can't deal with Hubby being with another woman. I can't let go of my family and I can't let go of the fact that I have lost. I have lost so much that it hurts to the point where I can't see the good things in my life which is what I have to start doing which is starting with my kids. My kids are the most important thing to me in my life right now and always will be. How and why I lost sight of that, I could kick my own ass for loosing it.

Today was the first day and it was hard. I have more ahead of me which is not what I was saying last night. I have someone that I am seeing this evening that will help me work through my problems so I hope that everything works out. I'm tired of being upset, watching my kids from afar and not enjoying things that God put on this earth for all of us to enjoy. It can only get better.