Yesterday I had a mix of emotions going on with Hubby and I. We are working hard on our relationship and there have been a bunch of ups and downs within the past 24 hours. Trust has been a big one. I wrote about it in one of my earlier entries.
S came over to Hubby's last night to vent and talk. Hubby has a big heart and wanted to help her as he would anyone. I was really worried that something bad was going to happen. This is one of those things that I have to change in me. It's a slow process and not the easiest but it has to be done in order for me to be happy, for us to be happy and for our family to be happy. I also have to trust Hubby that he will work with me together in being patient and letting me change and giving me the room to do so which he has done so far.
Last night I was supposed to watch a movie with my MIL and we couldn't get the damn thing to work so I just went to bed and read. I texted Hubby good night and that I love him. I read for a little bit, turned out the light and talked to my mom. I asked her to comfort Matt through all of this and to hold his had and wash away the grief, worry and pain. I also asked her to help him remove the huge bolder that is on his shoulders right now so that his burden could be lightened. I asked her to gather all of the people that she had around her right now to help him find strength within us and himself and help him feel it. I actually felt a kiss on the right side of my forehead and felt at peace at that moment. I thanked my mom for holding my hand and being there with me and showing me that patience is a tough thing to wait on and trust is an even bigger thing to have faith in. I was so angry with my mom for leaving and I told her last night that she has been with me all along no matter what has happened. She has given me signs and told me that things will be okay. She has come to me in dreams and walked me through tough decisions, pain and heartache which sometimes hasn't gone away but I have had to trust that it will. I think she was talking through Hubby about trust and not just trusting him but just trusting most things in general. That is what doesn't make me happy and what is holding me back.
Even though my mom is not alive today, she is with me and with all of us. She has Hubby's family up with her helping her help us and seeing us through all of this and beaming when something good comes our way. Sometimes I don't understand things because my head becomes clouded with worry, other times it is crystal clear.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Scared
I am so fucking scared right now. I talked to Hubby just now and he told me that S wanted to come over and hang out and he didn't know what he was going to do because he was tired. She gets off at 7a so she won't be there until later. Last night was a stepping stone for Hubby and I and I want things to slowly work for us. He told me that too. I have to trust him but I don't know what her intentions are and I know she is super hurt but Hubby is really confused and hurt and doesn't know what to do.
I am so scared that she will do whatever it takes to get him back. I'm scared that she will spend the night again and then what do I do with that? Do I keep trying? It's hard to work on a relationship and a family when there's another person involved that you don't know what kind of move they are going to make. My intentions are pretty on target. I know what I want and will do whatever it takes to make things work but what if spending the night with someone else comes into the picture? Will I be able to compromise? Can I handle that? I don't even know if it will happen or not! I am just freaking out because I have a little bit of hope that things will work out and I am so fucking unbelievably scared right now that it will all just blow away in the wind because of confusion and hurt feelings.
What do I do and how do I handle this??????????????
I am so scared that she will do whatever it takes to get him back. I'm scared that she will spend the night again and then what do I do with that? Do I keep trying? It's hard to work on a relationship and a family when there's another person involved that you don't know what kind of move they are going to make. My intentions are pretty on target. I know what I want and will do whatever it takes to make things work but what if spending the night with someone else comes into the picture? Will I be able to compromise? Can I handle that? I don't even know if it will happen or not! I am just freaking out because I have a little bit of hope that things will work out and I am so fucking unbelievably scared right now that it will all just blow away in the wind because of confusion and hurt feelings.
What do I do and how do I handle this??????????????
What should I call this?
Yesterday I had a wild day at work. I was worn out by the time I came home. Hubby and I were supposed to go pick up his new truck but it wasn't done and he was getting aggravated I think that it's been taking so long. Our son was playing up at the house with a friend where he and I are staying. I went up there, changed clothes, snuck some meds in my purse with some money and got our little one together and headed down to Daddy's house for all of us to play together.
He and I played washers, drank and talked a little. He had a lot on his mind I could tell and didn't feel like talking. He wasn't very physical either which I knew he was mulling things over in his mind. We played a few games (all of which I lost but I held him pretty good through most of them). Our son played on his four wheeler and ran in the field. It felt really good to be all together and just hang out and be peaceful.
We played our final game and Hubby already had dinner going for our son. We smoked, drank and talked and little man ate his food. Afterwards it was shower time. We got him in the shower and then Hubby and I went back out on the porch for more talking. There's a lot to get through. I have a bad outlook on a lot of things. Things that most people see the bright side of, I see how will this hurt me. I've always been like that and it's going to be a hard thing to adjust in me. It will probably come in spurts until it becomes comfortable to me and is something that I enjoy and can trust. That was another topic of conversation. Trust. We were throwing washers and I was at one end of the box and Hubby threw and I jumped out of the way. He was proving a point that I don't trust him. How? I don't know but he's right. I think that the only thing that I don't trust about him is some of the big stories that he has told me that border on lying. I've been with him for so long that I can pretty much pick those out though. I'm going to have to trust him on a lot of things. He's never cheated on me and has taken care of me in some of my greatest time of need. Those are all trust things that I know I have with him. Same with him from me.
We talked some more, got our son out of the shower and got him to bed. Ordered a pizza and were worn out. We were going to watch a movie and I asked him if he wanted me to go up to the house. He slyly asked in that "man tone" did you bring your medicine because everyone knows I'm a snake in the grass but it wouldn't hurt to bring it. I ate that food like I hadn't eaten in months. We watched family guy which I haven't watched TV in about a month so it was a treat for me not to mention eating it with Hubby.
We brushed teeth and went to bed. . . .an hour or so later and then got up and smoked one of the best cigarettes I've had in a long time. Finding more "fire" in the "spark" that we have right now is going to take some time to build but we can do it and I'm not just talking sexually. We have one of the most magnificent relationships and many tools to work with to get it back there. We just have to remember where they are and how to use them on each other. We will be going to our special place next weekend to do some boating and spending time together. I am so looking forward to it. I hope that it is a good trip but after last night, "what comes next"? Slowness. That's what comes next. All of this needs to be slow and we need to remember. I am in agreement with him on that. We have a wonderful family that has been beyond damaged and needs serious repair. It will take time to repair that.
Hubby did say something last night that did hurt me and I don't think he meant to but was just being honest. He was talking about his family and didn't know if he saw me in that picture; just him and his son. I almost started crying which I'm pretty all cried out and he is tired of seeing it truthfully. He followed up with telling me that there are things within me that can change that will change that. Inside I was screaming "BUT I AM SO TRYING!!!!!!!!" It's hard but I am and I know why. . . happiness. I have not been the happiest person my whole life and he is trying to show me that I will have to change in order to find happiness. . . .not let things get to me, not let people make me angry and brush things off. Life is too short to care who is out to get you and how you can fuck someone else's world up. If that's and epiphany, then I just had one here in my chair. So honey, if you are listening, thank you for opening my eyes on that once again and know that I am trying. I have certain buttons that will be pushed and I have to either get rid of the buttons or just not care that their there but either way, they are not as important as my family right now.
He and I played washers, drank and talked a little. He had a lot on his mind I could tell and didn't feel like talking. He wasn't very physical either which I knew he was mulling things over in his mind. We played a few games (all of which I lost but I held him pretty good through most of them). Our son played on his four wheeler and ran in the field. It felt really good to be all together and just hang out and be peaceful.
We played our final game and Hubby already had dinner going for our son. We smoked, drank and talked and little man ate his food. Afterwards it was shower time. We got him in the shower and then Hubby and I went back out on the porch for more talking. There's a lot to get through. I have a bad outlook on a lot of things. Things that most people see the bright side of, I see how will this hurt me. I've always been like that and it's going to be a hard thing to adjust in me. It will probably come in spurts until it becomes comfortable to me and is something that I enjoy and can trust. That was another topic of conversation. Trust. We were throwing washers and I was at one end of the box and Hubby threw and I jumped out of the way. He was proving a point that I don't trust him. How? I don't know but he's right. I think that the only thing that I don't trust about him is some of the big stories that he has told me that border on lying. I've been with him for so long that I can pretty much pick those out though. I'm going to have to trust him on a lot of things. He's never cheated on me and has taken care of me in some of my greatest time of need. Those are all trust things that I know I have with him. Same with him from me.
We talked some more, got our son out of the shower and got him to bed. Ordered a pizza and were worn out. We were going to watch a movie and I asked him if he wanted me to go up to the house. He slyly asked in that "man tone" did you bring your medicine because everyone knows I'm a snake in the grass but it wouldn't hurt to bring it. I ate that food like I hadn't eaten in months. We watched family guy which I haven't watched TV in about a month so it was a treat for me not to mention eating it with Hubby.
We brushed teeth and went to bed. . . .an hour or so later and then got up and smoked one of the best cigarettes I've had in a long time. Finding more "fire" in the "spark" that we have right now is going to take some time to build but we can do it and I'm not just talking sexually. We have one of the most magnificent relationships and many tools to work with to get it back there. We just have to remember where they are and how to use them on each other. We will be going to our special place next weekend to do some boating and spending time together. I am so looking forward to it. I hope that it is a good trip but after last night, "what comes next"? Slowness. That's what comes next. All of this needs to be slow and we need to remember. I am in agreement with him on that. We have a wonderful family that has been beyond damaged and needs serious repair. It will take time to repair that.
Hubby did say something last night that did hurt me and I don't think he meant to but was just being honest. He was talking about his family and didn't know if he saw me in that picture; just him and his son. I almost started crying which I'm pretty all cried out and he is tired of seeing it truthfully. He followed up with telling me that there are things within me that can change that will change that. Inside I was screaming "BUT I AM SO TRYING!!!!!!!!" It's hard but I am and I know why. . . happiness. I have not been the happiest person my whole life and he is trying to show me that I will have to change in order to find happiness. . . .not let things get to me, not let people make me angry and brush things off. Life is too short to care who is out to get you and how you can fuck someone else's world up. If that's and epiphany, then I just had one here in my chair. So honey, if you are listening, thank you for opening my eyes on that once again and know that I am trying. I have certain buttons that will be pushed and I have to either get rid of the buttons or just not care that their there but either way, they are not as important as my family right now.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Good Morning?. . . What Morning?
I got home yesterday and Hubby and I went to get our little one's staples taken out. He was so brave and good. His dad knelt in front of him while they were being taken out and the tears just dripped. But he did it and got a reward. We were so proud of him and later told him that the "staple fairy" would come.
One the way there, Hubby told me that he had asked S to move out and was pretty quite about it. We picked up some beer and talked for a while at the house about what had happened. She is sad and cried all night the night before and all day yesterday and told him how much she loved and missed him. He said he wants to work on his family but it is going to take time to get over her. I understand that. It always takes time to get over something that you love be it a family member or a mate.
I asked him if he wanted our son to stay with him last night and he said no because he wanted to just be alone. She had some things to pick up that she had left and had still not picked them up yet. Something told me this was going to be a long night for me and it was. I couldn't sleep even with some help. I was up at 9:30pm telling him I couldn't sleep and heard her in the background. I felt like I was violating something again. I asked him if she was spending the night and he said he doubt it. He had told me earlier a clean break would be best but what is this? Watching a movie and hanging out?
If we are going to work on our stuff with each other it's going to be a long and hard road with no distractions. Those are going to be mega speed bumps in our relationship. I did not sleep well at all last night. I had night mares. Woke up and puked because of one of the night mares. I think I texted him at like 3a in the morning. When I left this morning her car was there. She had spent the night. I feel very hurt right now because I don't know what to think or do. I'm sure she's hurt too. I know Hubby is hurt. . . let's not even go into what our son is feeling right now because at this point he is on a roller coaster.
So to quote "Fear and Loathing" What's next? Hubby said he thought I would be doing back flips and ecstatic. I haven't talked to him yet today but can't help but wonder if some of this was planned, I have a lot of questions and don't know how to feel right now. I want to hold him and tell him that things will work out but we have to do it together not as a threesome as appealing as that sounds to most men. I don't know if he told me that to keep me from getting hurt. I know he was very hurt yesterday. He doesn't like to hurt anyone. I have noticed a pattern with this girl though. This is the second time he has broke it off with her and each time she cries all day and won't stop. I just don't get it. Hubby is a wonderful person and has a lot to offer. But slowly I am dying inside because I don't know "What's next" and what will happen.
Back flip? I feel like I just did a back flip over a brick wall that's 10 feet tall and I didn't make it. Maybe next time I will if the wall was just a little shorter. I can't wait to talk to Hubby to find out what I'm doing because half the time within the past 12 hours I don't know.
One the way there, Hubby told me that he had asked S to move out and was pretty quite about it. We picked up some beer and talked for a while at the house about what had happened. She is sad and cried all night the night before and all day yesterday and told him how much she loved and missed him. He said he wants to work on his family but it is going to take time to get over her. I understand that. It always takes time to get over something that you love be it a family member or a mate.
I asked him if he wanted our son to stay with him last night and he said no because he wanted to just be alone. She had some things to pick up that she had left and had still not picked them up yet. Something told me this was going to be a long night for me and it was. I couldn't sleep even with some help. I was up at 9:30pm telling him I couldn't sleep and heard her in the background. I felt like I was violating something again. I asked him if she was spending the night and he said he doubt it. He had told me earlier a clean break would be best but what is this? Watching a movie and hanging out?
If we are going to work on our stuff with each other it's going to be a long and hard road with no distractions. Those are going to be mega speed bumps in our relationship. I did not sleep well at all last night. I had night mares. Woke up and puked because of one of the night mares. I think I texted him at like 3a in the morning. When I left this morning her car was there. She had spent the night. I feel very hurt right now because I don't know what to think or do. I'm sure she's hurt too. I know Hubby is hurt. . . let's not even go into what our son is feeling right now because at this point he is on a roller coaster.
So to quote "Fear and Loathing" What's next? Hubby said he thought I would be doing back flips and ecstatic. I haven't talked to him yet today but can't help but wonder if some of this was planned, I have a lot of questions and don't know how to feel right now. I want to hold him and tell him that things will work out but we have to do it together not as a threesome as appealing as that sounds to most men. I don't know if he told me that to keep me from getting hurt. I know he was very hurt yesterday. He doesn't like to hurt anyone. I have noticed a pattern with this girl though. This is the second time he has broke it off with her and each time she cries all day and won't stop. I just don't get it. Hubby is a wonderful person and has a lot to offer. But slowly I am dying inside because I don't know "What's next" and what will happen.
Back flip? I feel like I just did a back flip over a brick wall that's 10 feet tall and I didn't make it. Maybe next time I will if the wall was just a little shorter. I can't wait to talk to Hubby to find out what I'm doing because half the time within the past 12 hours I don't know.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
This Weekend
This weekend was so-so for me. I had a good time up until Sunday night. I went down with our son and played games, barbecued and drank and had a good time. Then it was time for us to go up to the house. I got our son to bed and got myself ready to wind down. It was dark and I changed my clothes and got ready to go outside to smoke. Afterwards I was going to get into the hot tub.
While I was smoking, I noticed that Hubby had all the front porch lights on and that he and S were outside making out (looked more like they were doing WAY more than that) and I almost threw up right over the balcony of the house. My nerves were a wreck. I finished my smoke and got into the hot tub. When I get upset I have to move around. I only stayed in the hot tub for a few minutes and then got out. I went up stairs and didn't even shower. I just changed clothes and took two tranquilizers. I needed something to get my mind off of what I just saw.
See through out all of this, Hubby has always said that he would never do anything romantic in front of me with her out of respect. Not that I don't realize that happens behind closed doors but I really do appreciate that. I don't feel like it's being rubbed in my face and to be honest, I didn't really know how I would react should I see something like that but I did. I went to bed and cried until the pills started working. I got up the next morning to go to my daughters house. Beforehand I stopped and told Hubby what I had seen and he told me he was very sorry.
On the way back from Sissy's house I cried all the way home. I hurt, was confused, I felt like I had violated someone. Hubby had told me just recently that he couldn't take it if he saw me with another guy. I know what he means. I can see someone standing next to him but not sitting on him and rubbing all over each other. It still makes me feel awful. The only time I think I would be okay with it is if we were in a strip club paying someone. At least then she would go away.
Last night we did not have a good conversation at first when I pulled in. I said things that I shouldn't have said in front of her (she's there about 75% of the time there so it's hard to get a 1 on 1 with him most times) and I know I made her uncomfortable. I wasn't intending to. I was hurt and wanted people to know that. I don't know what is holding my heart together because it keeps shattering. Between my mom, my kids and Matt, it slowly gets put back together piece by piece and then gets smooshed all over again. Either I have a big heart or a strong heart, one of the two.
I have to get going, I have lots of work to do today and am leaving early to get our little man's staples taken out today! I hope that goes okay. . . . no more space suit I hope!
While I was smoking, I noticed that Hubby had all the front porch lights on and that he and S were outside making out (looked more like they were doing WAY more than that) and I almost threw up right over the balcony of the house. My nerves were a wreck. I finished my smoke and got into the hot tub. When I get upset I have to move around. I only stayed in the hot tub for a few minutes and then got out. I went up stairs and didn't even shower. I just changed clothes and took two tranquilizers. I needed something to get my mind off of what I just saw.
See through out all of this, Hubby has always said that he would never do anything romantic in front of me with her out of respect. Not that I don't realize that happens behind closed doors but I really do appreciate that. I don't feel like it's being rubbed in my face and to be honest, I didn't really know how I would react should I see something like that but I did. I went to bed and cried until the pills started working. I got up the next morning to go to my daughters house. Beforehand I stopped and told Hubby what I had seen and he told me he was very sorry.
On the way back from Sissy's house I cried all the way home. I hurt, was confused, I felt like I had violated someone. Hubby had told me just recently that he couldn't take it if he saw me with another guy. I know what he means. I can see someone standing next to him but not sitting on him and rubbing all over each other. It still makes me feel awful. The only time I think I would be okay with it is if we were in a strip club paying someone. At least then she would go away.
Last night we did not have a good conversation at first when I pulled in. I said things that I shouldn't have said in front of her (she's there about 75% of the time there so it's hard to get a 1 on 1 with him most times) and I know I made her uncomfortable. I wasn't intending to. I was hurt and wanted people to know that. I don't know what is holding my heart together because it keeps shattering. Between my mom, my kids and Matt, it slowly gets put back together piece by piece and then gets smooshed all over again. Either I have a big heart or a strong heart, one of the two.
I have to get going, I have lots of work to do today and am leaving early to get our little man's staples taken out today! I hope that goes okay. . . . no more space suit I hope!
Friday, May 23, 2008
What to think?
I got off of work last night and went to Hubby's as that was where our son was at. I had done a lot of "work" at work and needed to talk to him. I had done a breakdown of payment to him while I was there in addition to other things that needed to occur. I was emotionally worn out.
I got there and he looked good but has lost weight, his face was worn and he just plain looked tired and I don't mean tired from putting in a hard day's worth of work.
He and I went over bills, his situation with S and her daughter and I just pretty much listened when it came to that. He knows he's not happy. He said he's happy with her and I told him that there's a difference with being happy with "how" someone is with you vs. being happy together as a couple. He agreed. . . .big difference. He and I have always complimented each other even to this day:
Now for things that set us back:
Now how do we change to make things work:
Our list of compliments is a lot longer than the bad stuff and what needs to be fixed isn't that much either. They are all just hard things. That's if any of this gets to that point.
I slept the best that I've slept in so long last night. Our son was skipping around the house and making all kinds of goofy noises. He saw Hubby and I kiss and hug and had to pull me away a couple of times because he said it was time to go. He also was picked up by his daddy and all three of us hugged like we used to. Our son kissed both of us on the cheek and it felt so awesome to have all three of us holding each other. . . our little family.
I know that if things work out that I have a lot of things that I have to change and a long road ahead of me but I am damn sure that I can do it. Now it's a matter of whether or not Hubby will give me the chance to show him that I can do these things.
He made my toes curl last night and I remembered, he looked at me in that way that he used and my panties got wet, he stood behind me to crack my back and lightly kissed my neck and my heart began to skip a few beats, he blurted out that he missed me so fucking much and I about cried. Thanks mom for reminding me how important, powerful and exhausting love can be. I love you both.
I got there and he looked good but has lost weight, his face was worn and he just plain looked tired and I don't mean tired from putting in a hard day's worth of work.
He and I went over bills, his situation with S and her daughter and I just pretty much listened when it came to that. He knows he's not happy. He said he's happy with her and I told him that there's a difference with being happy with "how" someone is with you vs. being happy together as a couple. He agreed. . . .big difference. He and I have always complimented each other even to this day:
- I'm small, he's big
- I'm dark haired, he's blond
- He knows about cars and I don't
- I know about gardening and he doesn't
- He teaches me about his job
- I try to teach him about mine
- He teaches me about the boat
- I have green eyes
- He has blue eyes
- He is kind
- I am vicious
- He let's go of grudges
- I hold on to grudges depending on how deep they run
- I have a good sense of character
- Hubby be friend's just about everyone
- Hubby has lots of friends
- I do not
Now for things that set us back:
- We both have bad tempers
- We both find fault with the other
- Both critical
- We both have a hard time letting things go
- We both are set in our ways
- When we are angry with each other we take it out on each other and push each others buttons because we know what they are just to hurt the other person
Now how do we change to make things work:
- Listen
- Not be so literal and take things so seriously
- Communicate more
- Tell each other "why are you here with me?" It should be pretty obvious
- Know that when an argument starts that it shouldn't be that bad to begin with and is it really THAT worth it especially after ALL of this?????
- Both be happier with not just each other but the people that we are around each day including complete strangers
Our list of compliments is a lot longer than the bad stuff and what needs to be fixed isn't that much either. They are all just hard things. That's if any of this gets to that point.
I slept the best that I've slept in so long last night. Our son was skipping around the house and making all kinds of goofy noises. He saw Hubby and I kiss and hug and had to pull me away a couple of times because he said it was time to go. He also was picked up by his daddy and all three of us hugged like we used to. Our son kissed both of us on the cheek and it felt so awesome to have all three of us holding each other. . . our little family.
I know that if things work out that I have a lot of things that I have to change and a long road ahead of me but I am damn sure that I can do it. Now it's a matter of whether or not Hubby will give me the chance to show him that I can do these things.
He made my toes curl last night and I remembered, he looked at me in that way that he used and my panties got wet, he stood behind me to crack my back and lightly kissed my neck and my heart began to skip a few beats, he blurted out that he missed me so fucking much and I about cried. Thanks mom for reminding me how important, powerful and exhausting love can be. I love you both.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Reality is Setting in
I have been exposed a couple of times to the situation that's going on with Hubby and S living at Hubby's house with her daughter and with our son. Our son is staying with me this week because his head got split open on Saturday and we want him to stay in a calm environment that it can heal.
Before I start, I love Hubby very much. I always have no matter what people say, think or do nor what my actions may have been. What I am also about to say has nothing to do with the fact that Hubby and S are a "couple" (It might somewhere down the road but that's not what's driving it).
I have heard very little (at least anything plausible) about this girl and have watched a bit from a distance to see if I can see what Hubby sees. . .still looking. . .sorry. She's nice and pretty and has a decent car and job. Bout it. She also has a child that she has absolutely no control over who is mouthy, disrespectful to adults and spoiled. I would say that about any child who acted that way, it's nothing personal. I worked in daycare as a teacher for a while and love kids. When I go drop or pick up my son, I talk to all the kids there which some of them are like (we will call her A) A. Some of the teachers have a really hard time dealing with these kids because they railroad all over them because they know what buttons to push and how far to go. It's all a game and as the old saying goes. . . ."the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Most kids are the way they are because of their parents. My daughter is a spitting image of me. Our son is a spitting image of his dad with a little of me mixed in there. See? Apples.
Respect is a big thing to me. For a while lately I have not respected myself enough to take care of myself. Respecting another individual for who they are is an even bigger deal to me. I may not know you very well but your actions will dictate some of that. It's hard for me to have respect for someone who cannot control their child after being basically a single parent and then have someone that you've only know for a month step in and be that father figure. Not fair to that child, definitely a convenience to her, not fair to our son and wearing Hubby out (sorry but you can see it).
Our own son is a handful. It's taken a lot of hard work from BOTH of us to get him to where he is today. Hubby told me not too long ago that our son doesn't listen to me at all. Not true. This whole week, we have compromised, been given choices and I have not allowed him to be in control of the situation that he wants to create if the time is not appropriate (i.e. bed, shower, eating, etc.) Hubby wants no more children yet is taking on another, can hardly control her child and then deal with ours who is so messed up in the head right now because of what's going on, what is going to happen?
Hubby told me last night that he wants to take all of them down to our special place. That freaked me out. Our son is enough to watch but two kids that don't mind that feed off of one another? What if something happens and one of them gets hurt? Christ! I was just up the hill when his head got cut what if they are 500 miles away? This is a huge concern for me. I already know that this is all going to cause a mega fight. Words will be exchanged, Hubby will think that I am fucking with his happiness and that all I care about is me. None of that is true. I want to make sure that our son will be in a safe environment where he is well taken care of. This is all bugging the crap out of me and all I want to do is talk to Hubby alone about this because this is our issue. I just wish we could go somewhere and talk alone and get some of this crap out. . . . .God I hope a big fight doesn't start.
Before I start, I love Hubby very much. I always have no matter what people say, think or do nor what my actions may have been. What I am also about to say has nothing to do with the fact that Hubby and S are a "couple" (It might somewhere down the road but that's not what's driving it).
I have heard very little (at least anything plausible) about this girl and have watched a bit from a distance to see if I can see what Hubby sees. . .still looking. . .sorry. She's nice and pretty and has a decent car and job. Bout it. She also has a child that she has absolutely no control over who is mouthy, disrespectful to adults and spoiled. I would say that about any child who acted that way, it's nothing personal. I worked in daycare as a teacher for a while and love kids. When I go drop or pick up my son, I talk to all the kids there which some of them are like (we will call her A) A. Some of the teachers have a really hard time dealing with these kids because they railroad all over them because they know what buttons to push and how far to go. It's all a game and as the old saying goes. . . ."the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Most kids are the way they are because of their parents. My daughter is a spitting image of me. Our son is a spitting image of his dad with a little of me mixed in there. See? Apples.
Respect is a big thing to me. For a while lately I have not respected myself enough to take care of myself. Respecting another individual for who they are is an even bigger deal to me. I may not know you very well but your actions will dictate some of that. It's hard for me to have respect for someone who cannot control their child after being basically a single parent and then have someone that you've only know for a month step in and be that father figure. Not fair to that child, definitely a convenience to her, not fair to our son and wearing Hubby out (sorry but you can see it).
Our own son is a handful. It's taken a lot of hard work from BOTH of us to get him to where he is today. Hubby told me not too long ago that our son doesn't listen to me at all. Not true. This whole week, we have compromised, been given choices and I have not allowed him to be in control of the situation that he wants to create if the time is not appropriate (i.e. bed, shower, eating, etc.) Hubby wants no more children yet is taking on another, can hardly control her child and then deal with ours who is so messed up in the head right now because of what's going on, what is going to happen?
Hubby told me last night that he wants to take all of them down to our special place. That freaked me out. Our son is enough to watch but two kids that don't mind that feed off of one another? What if something happens and one of them gets hurt? Christ! I was just up the hill when his head got cut what if they are 500 miles away? This is a huge concern for me. I already know that this is all going to cause a mega fight. Words will be exchanged, Hubby will think that I am fucking with his happiness and that all I care about is me. None of that is true. I want to make sure that our son will be in a safe environment where he is well taken care of. This is all bugging the crap out of me and all I want to do is talk to Hubby alone about this because this is our issue. I just wish we could go somewhere and talk alone and get some of this crap out. . . . .God I hope a big fight doesn't start.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tired
I am absolutely exhausted. I had one hell of a day yesterday at work as far as just getting stuff completed was concerned and was glad that I had a lot to do because it made the day go by quick. I ran home to take our son to the library last night for the first time and he had an absolute blast. . . granted, he only lasted for about 20 minutes but for being 5 and it being his first time, I think he did really well.
We got done at the library and came home and Hubby was having a good time at his house with some friends over, playing games drinking and all that. We used to do that together on the weekends and it was fun. . . yes I miss it but I can't do it now. I can't be around something that hurts until I can heal. Occupying my time last night helped me out, kept me busy and gave me time with our son. However. . . .
I GOT 3 HOURS OF FLIPPIN SLEEP
I had so many thoughts going through my head last night. I had work that I was winding down from and knew I had another 50% pile of stuff that I had to do today from yesterday but oh no that's not what was keeping me awake. I had my son snoring and coughing and stealing the covers and taking up the bed but no, that's not what was keeping me awake. It was when we had gotten home from the library and seeing our friends and knowing that our son needed to go to bed to stay on a decent routine and seeing Hubby and wondering if he misses me BECAUSE. . . . .
He told me last night that I looked like I needed a hug which I totally did and it felt so good to have him touch me and care enough to ask. He also said "What's up tits" when I came down the hill last night to pick up clothes for our son and it was a comment that he used to make to me that I haven't heard out of him in a long time; not to mention I liked it because that is who he is to me. He jokes about things like that and those are the things that I used to take literally. With all of this crap that's been going on, there's been no time for loving jokes that he and I used to have with each other (mostly because there's just been too tense feelings going on not to mention feelings for S going on which I'm sure he's beyond confused at this point) only time for hurting each other, trying to figure out where we stand with each other, if there's room for each other and where other people fit into our lives (I don't care for that part. . . like I said before in earlier blogs, I don't like to share but I guess I have to at this point).
I am just so tired. It's strange how when you don't get enough sleep or can't sleep how you tend to think more and for some reason it seems to mean more to you. I wonder if Hubby is getting enough sleep or if this is all behind him. . . .obviously I'm still dealing.
We got done at the library and came home and Hubby was having a good time at his house with some friends over, playing games drinking and all that. We used to do that together on the weekends and it was fun. . . yes I miss it but I can't do it now. I can't be around something that hurts until I can heal. Occupying my time last night helped me out, kept me busy and gave me time with our son. However. . . .
I GOT 3 HOURS OF FLIPPIN SLEEP
I had so many thoughts going through my head last night. I had work that I was winding down from and knew I had another 50% pile of stuff that I had to do today from yesterday but oh no that's not what was keeping me awake. I had my son snoring and coughing and stealing the covers and taking up the bed but no, that's not what was keeping me awake. It was when we had gotten home from the library and seeing our friends and knowing that our son needed to go to bed to stay on a decent routine and seeing Hubby and wondering if he misses me BECAUSE. . . . .
He told me last night that I looked like I needed a hug which I totally did and it felt so good to have him touch me and care enough to ask. He also said "What's up tits" when I came down the hill last night to pick up clothes for our son and it was a comment that he used to make to me that I haven't heard out of him in a long time; not to mention I liked it because that is who he is to me. He jokes about things like that and those are the things that I used to take literally. With all of this crap that's been going on, there's been no time for loving jokes that he and I used to have with each other (mostly because there's just been too tense feelings going on not to mention feelings for S going on which I'm sure he's beyond confused at this point) only time for hurting each other, trying to figure out where we stand with each other, if there's room for each other and where other people fit into our lives (I don't care for that part. . . like I said before in earlier blogs, I don't like to share but I guess I have to at this point).
I am just so tired. It's strange how when you don't get enough sleep or can't sleep how you tend to think more and for some reason it seems to mean more to you. I wonder if Hubby is getting enough sleep or if this is all behind him. . . .obviously I'm still dealing.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
You'll Find Better Love
I was driving to work this morning and the song You'll Find Better Love came on through my Ipod. Hubby had put it on there when I had asked if he would update and put some things on my Ipod. By the way. . . I do NOT care for country music and it isn't just a recent thing either. I never really cared for country so when I found out that Hubby had put this country crap on my Ipod I thought he was doing it just to annoy me.
I listened to the words because I was by myself and had no distractions and started to cry on the way in. I am not taking tranquilizers anymore because I don't want to be dependent on them and I need to deal with things that are real. Hearing these words on this song stirred so many things with me that it made me feel like Hubby was telling me something. I felt like he was telling me to find someone that could love me better than he ever could. . . .that made me cry because it's who's love you accept, not who's is better.
There may be someone out there true. . . .who care's. Let someone else find or deal with them. Right now I'm not ready or willing to share my heart. My heart is with someone else where it's been comfortable for the past 8 years. I left but my heart did not with Hubby. I am not going to look for another "love" right now or for a while just because I know it wouldn't be fair to myself or to that other person. Plus I haven't been alone in a long, long time and I think that being alone isn't such a bad thing. It will give me the time to regroup, find myself again and remember the person that God put on this earth.
Hubby and I always went down to our "special place" to remember why were together. We would have some of the best times of our lives down there. I remember so many times that he would make me laugh, I would make him laugh, we would do stupid stuff, watch the sunset together, I would cook for him, we would eat together and stop and various spots together. Every time we would go we would fall in love all over again with each other. When things got stressful, Hubby would plead like it ached "we really need to get to our place". Before I left he pleaded with me and I didn't listen. All of this is teaching me to listen more, react less and take it all in before decisions are made. Most of all I'm listening to the people that matter most to me in my life no matter how painful they may be to me.
In this song it also talked about not to forget. I can't forget and that's why I hold on to what is dear to me. Like my daughter that I may not visit as often as I should, she is my flesh and blood. I would do anything for her and kick her butt when she needs it. Same with our son which is going to be hard now with having to spend limited time but all of this has made me think and cherish what time I do have all three of them. My heart is now divided into 3 parts - one for each one of my kids and one for Hubby. That's a lot of people and there is no room for anyone else right now.
I listened to the words because I was by myself and had no distractions and started to cry on the way in. I am not taking tranquilizers anymore because I don't want to be dependent on them and I need to deal with things that are real. Hearing these words on this song stirred so many things with me that it made me feel like Hubby was telling me something. I felt like he was telling me to find someone that could love me better than he ever could. . . .that made me cry because it's who's love you accept, not who's is better.
There may be someone out there true. . . .who care's. Let someone else find or deal with them. Right now I'm not ready or willing to share my heart. My heart is with someone else where it's been comfortable for the past 8 years. I left but my heart did not with Hubby. I am not going to look for another "love" right now or for a while just because I know it wouldn't be fair to myself or to that other person. Plus I haven't been alone in a long, long time and I think that being alone isn't such a bad thing. It will give me the time to regroup, find myself again and remember the person that God put on this earth.
Hubby and I always went down to our "special place" to remember why were together. We would have some of the best times of our lives down there. I remember so many times that he would make me laugh, I would make him laugh, we would do stupid stuff, watch the sunset together, I would cook for him, we would eat together and stop and various spots together. Every time we would go we would fall in love all over again with each other. When things got stressful, Hubby would plead like it ached "we really need to get to our place". Before I left he pleaded with me and I didn't listen. All of this is teaching me to listen more, react less and take it all in before decisions are made. Most of all I'm listening to the people that matter most to me in my life no matter how painful they may be to me.
In this song it also talked about not to forget. I can't forget and that's why I hold on to what is dear to me. Like my daughter that I may not visit as often as I should, she is my flesh and blood. I would do anything for her and kick her butt when she needs it. Same with our son which is going to be hard now with having to spend limited time but all of this has made me think and cherish what time I do have all three of them. My heart is now divided into 3 parts - one for each one of my kids and one for Hubby. That's a lot of people and there is no room for anyone else right now.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Not the Hottest Weekend
My son did awesome on Friday at his graduation! He looked so cute up on stage and sang all of his songs and did everything like a big boy. It's so neat to see our little man growing up to be a big boy!
On the other hand, Issy got drunk on Saturday and so did Hubby. S was not there and at first everything went fine. We mowed the grass, put in air conditioners, got some sun and enjoyed each others company. It was comfortable and familiar. Until I don't know what happened and words were exchanged. . . .mostly mine. I said some things that I maybe I shouldn't have said. The things I said were vulgar, mean and nasty. When I get pissed, I get pissed. End of story on that one. I have tried for a long time to hold my temper to a low and it is hard.
Hubby had told me that I needed to change. He told me that I have no heart and that I needed to be happy. Well to put things into perspective:
I do have a heart, just because I left I still have a heart and have always had a heart. You could ask just about any person around about the things that I do for others and the shirt off my back that I would give to them and I think that's my definition of having a heart.
Being happy: I was happy for 8 years. "Why did you leave then?" Because I cannot deal with my mother's death and other people were trying to give me good advise at a really bad time where I should have made no judgement at all.
Someone once told me a long time ago that the most dangerous time to make a life altering decision is when your emotions are out of control. This happened to me and I can't speak for Hubby but I think it happened to him as well. He says his heart is in a certain place. It's sad to me because it just seems odd and strange especially with it only being a little over a week ago that he wanted me back and now nothing. There's nothing that I can do about that but I can do things with my son and spend time with him. Me not being happy has to do with all of this all of this crap that is around me and it will take time. Time to heal is a slow process. I know that I am an awesome person and I know that I am a strong person. I know that I'm a good mom and a great mate. That's the funny thing, throughout all of this, Hubby hasn't once said that I was not a good mate but that I left. That's it. . . oh and that I take things too literally. I have to work on that one, I know that but that comes with some of the anger issues.
On Saturday after we had our words and I cooled off a bit I got a call from Hubby. Seems our son had split open his head and we ended up at the emergency room for almost 4 hours. He had to be restrained, went hysterical, both his dad and I were just exhausted and upset and trying to be strong for him and for the both of us. And then there was the texting. . . not from me but from her which I knew she was concerned. At a time like this I just wanted to be left alone with my family no matter how much damage there was there and for the short period of time that I had to deal with it because I wasn't going to get it again as morbid as that sounds. There are some things that I don't want to share and am not willing to share. Hubby agrees that we are his parents and I know that his heart is elsewhere. His head I think is a cloudy fog of hurt right now that is being eased with alcohol and someone else to lean on. So be it. I can't be that person obviously because he can't accept me into his life in that way.
At our son's graduation, the texting was going too. That hurt as well because I wanted to focus on my son's performance and I was just getting aggravated. I wanted hubby to be watching and focused on it as well but he was running the camcorder and texting all at the same time. It's hard to be proud when you have all of that going on. The kids started singing a song about growing up and being proud of all of the things they had done and I got all teary eyed mostly because I didn't know if Hubby had actually heard the words or not. Sometimes I wonder if he hears the things that any of us say or what to do with those words once they get to his ears.
On the other hand, Issy got drunk on Saturday and so did Hubby. S was not there and at first everything went fine. We mowed the grass, put in air conditioners, got some sun and enjoyed each others company. It was comfortable and familiar. Until I don't know what happened and words were exchanged. . . .mostly mine. I said some things that I maybe I shouldn't have said. The things I said were vulgar, mean and nasty. When I get pissed, I get pissed. End of story on that one. I have tried for a long time to hold my temper to a low and it is hard.
Hubby had told me that I needed to change. He told me that I have no heart and that I needed to be happy. Well to put things into perspective:
I do have a heart, just because I left I still have a heart and have always had a heart. You could ask just about any person around about the things that I do for others and the shirt off my back that I would give to them and I think that's my definition of having a heart.
Being happy: I was happy for 8 years. "Why did you leave then?" Because I cannot deal with my mother's death and other people were trying to give me good advise at a really bad time where I should have made no judgement at all.
Someone once told me a long time ago that the most dangerous time to make a life altering decision is when your emotions are out of control. This happened to me and I can't speak for Hubby but I think it happened to him as well. He says his heart is in a certain place. It's sad to me because it just seems odd and strange especially with it only being a little over a week ago that he wanted me back and now nothing. There's nothing that I can do about that but I can do things with my son and spend time with him. Me not being happy has to do with all of this all of this crap that is around me and it will take time. Time to heal is a slow process. I know that I am an awesome person and I know that I am a strong person. I know that I'm a good mom and a great mate. That's the funny thing, throughout all of this, Hubby hasn't once said that I was not a good mate but that I left. That's it. . . oh and that I take things too literally. I have to work on that one, I know that but that comes with some of the anger issues.
On Saturday after we had our words and I cooled off a bit I got a call from Hubby. Seems our son had split open his head and we ended up at the emergency room for almost 4 hours. He had to be restrained, went hysterical, both his dad and I were just exhausted and upset and trying to be strong for him and for the both of us. And then there was the texting. . . not from me but from her which I knew she was concerned. At a time like this I just wanted to be left alone with my family no matter how much damage there was there and for the short period of time that I had to deal with it because I wasn't going to get it again as morbid as that sounds. There are some things that I don't want to share and am not willing to share. Hubby agrees that we are his parents and I know that his heart is elsewhere. His head I think is a cloudy fog of hurt right now that is being eased with alcohol and someone else to lean on. So be it. I can't be that person obviously because he can't accept me into his life in that way.
At our son's graduation, the texting was going too. That hurt as well because I wanted to focus on my son's performance and I was just getting aggravated. I wanted hubby to be watching and focused on it as well but he was running the camcorder and texting all at the same time. It's hard to be proud when you have all of that going on. The kids started singing a song about growing up and being proud of all of the things they had done and I got all teary eyed mostly because I didn't know if Hubby had actually heard the words or not. Sometimes I wonder if he hears the things that any of us say or what to do with those words once they get to his ears.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tonight and the Good Day
Today was a fairly good day for me. I ate quite a bit (at least for me now). I got 3 huge projects completed that I don't have to look at anymore at work.
Tonight is my son's graduation. I am really excited to see him in his little green cap and gown and tassel with Hubby there with the camcorder recording him either freaking out on the stage or acting like a little clown. He did not have a good day at daycare and don't know if it is because he was wound up because of the graduation but I hope that all goes well.
I am having to take this day with a grain of salt and a pinch of pepper. Is it all a dream? Did the night that I had last night for the few hours that I had to spend with Hubby and our talk actually mean anything? To me, yes. For every brief moment that I get to spend with him and my son it does mean something. Walking back up or driving back up the hill to the house is hard but last night I was content somewhat because I got to talk to him and spend some time with my son. For 2 hours I felt like a family again. That is the most pathetic thing to say but it's true. I hope I get more of these chances to have both of us get these feelings but I don't know how he feels, if it's a feeling he likes too or not or if he's just entertaining me for a brief period of time. But for now, I'll take what I am given.
Tonight after graduation I am supposed to come back and have a few drinks and hang out with Hubby, put our son to rest and get ready for soccer tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too. I just pray that it will be. If not, it can't get much worse than the past month and a half of hell that I've, he and our son has been living through. Change is an ugly thing like time. It's necessary but most people don't like it. There either isn't enough of it or too much of it but either way nobody seems to like it. I know I don't.
If I could go back in time (ugly word) and change (2nd ugly word) what has happened I would because both of those things are what I want more desperately than anything in the world right now.
Tonight is my son's graduation. I am really excited to see him in his little green cap and gown and tassel with Hubby there with the camcorder recording him either freaking out on the stage or acting like a little clown. He did not have a good day at daycare and don't know if it is because he was wound up because of the graduation but I hope that all goes well.
I am having to take this day with a grain of salt and a pinch of pepper. Is it all a dream? Did the night that I had last night for the few hours that I had to spend with Hubby and our talk actually mean anything? To me, yes. For every brief moment that I get to spend with him and my son it does mean something. Walking back up or driving back up the hill to the house is hard but last night I was content somewhat because I got to talk to him and spend some time with my son. For 2 hours I felt like a family again. That is the most pathetic thing to say but it's true. I hope I get more of these chances to have both of us get these feelings but I don't know how he feels, if it's a feeling he likes too or not or if he's just entertaining me for a brief period of time. But for now, I'll take what I am given.
Tonight after graduation I am supposed to come back and have a few drinks and hang out with Hubby, put our son to rest and get ready for soccer tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too. I just pray that it will be. If not, it can't get much worse than the past month and a half of hell that I've, he and our son has been living through. Change is an ugly thing like time. It's necessary but most people don't like it. There either isn't enough of it or too much of it but either way nobody seems to like it. I know I don't.
If I could go back in time (ugly word) and change (2nd ugly word) what has happened I would because both of those things are what I want more desperately than anything in the world right now.
My Body
Okay. . . I've screwed up my body royally. Part of it had to do with working out and then that got out of control. I left, worked out some more, ate still, came back and now I look anorexic and sickly. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror and eating is one of the biggest chores that I have to face every day. Right now it's to the point where it scares me and has scared me since mother's day.
On mother's day I got up and went to the scale and cried. Most people cry because they gained a few pounds but I cried because my body is out of control right now and I weigh a measly 116 pounds. I look like a little girl. I don't look like an attractive, healthy, sexy woman which I should at this point. I should gain at least another 10 pounds for me to be healthy.
Most of this has to do with stress (my fault again) and no I'm not "doing this" to look better because I know I look like ass. I had someone a long time ago when my ulcers were acting up who told me that I was so skinny that it made her sick. I went off on her. I was going to the bathroom at the time about 20 times a day (not an exaggeration) because as soon as food would enter my body, my body would process it right away without taking in any of the nutrients. Today I started bleeding and now I'm scared because all of this is serious.
I ate last night when I got done talking to Hubby and ate yesterday afternoon a little bit if a package of donuts counts. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal, and am eating some soup and cereal now. It's slow going but I have to get into a routine of eating all the time so that I don't hurt myself anymore. I didn't mean for this to happen to my body but it did and I am praying that there is not something seriously wrong with me right now.
On a good note, I talked to Hubby last night for a couple of hours. It felt really good to sit with him, have our son interrupt every 15 minutes to give me smooches and just talk like we should have been doing all along. He has a lot of REAL issues to deal with right now and so do I. I told him I will wait for whatever it is that he needs or wants. That's our son that we made together. If I can help by taking or picking him up from or to daycare then I will do it. It will give me time to spend with my son. Granted, in my perfect world I would love to have all three of us doing that together but only time and God can determine that. . . . .there's that ugly thing again, time.
One thing that I noticed last night while talking to Hubby was what I really enjoy about him and I. I enjoy drinking with him and talking about finances with him and how they will be handled. I enjoy planning on what the week will hold and who needs what. All of that communication broke down at the end and I think both of us were just kind of like "okay who's doing what now" until it just got ridiculous. He said something very important to me last night. He told me that he is seeing his flaws and doing something to change them which I think is a very humbling thing to do. Most people can't admit that they have flaws let alone try to fix them. I know I have all kinds of flaws and that they need to be worked on but I can't do them all at once. I have to pick the worst ones out and tackle those first and pick them off one by one. By the time I am done, I should be in the ground and at peace with the world. My Hubby (and I will still call him that to the day I die) is a good man with a lot of baggage to either unload or throw away. All it's doing is holding him down and keeping him from being an even better man than he already is.
I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love him for what he is and what he isn't because he is a part of me, I am a part of him and our son is a part of us. God please help me start to gain some weight.
On mother's day I got up and went to the scale and cried. Most people cry because they gained a few pounds but I cried because my body is out of control right now and I weigh a measly 116 pounds. I look like a little girl. I don't look like an attractive, healthy, sexy woman which I should at this point. I should gain at least another 10 pounds for me to be healthy.
Most of this has to do with stress (my fault again) and no I'm not "doing this" to look better because I know I look like ass. I had someone a long time ago when my ulcers were acting up who told me that I was so skinny that it made her sick. I went off on her. I was going to the bathroom at the time about 20 times a day (not an exaggeration) because as soon as food would enter my body, my body would process it right away without taking in any of the nutrients. Today I started bleeding and now I'm scared because all of this is serious.
I ate last night when I got done talking to Hubby and ate yesterday afternoon a little bit if a package of donuts counts. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal, and am eating some soup and cereal now. It's slow going but I have to get into a routine of eating all the time so that I don't hurt myself anymore. I didn't mean for this to happen to my body but it did and I am praying that there is not something seriously wrong with me right now.
On a good note, I talked to Hubby last night for a couple of hours. It felt really good to sit with him, have our son interrupt every 15 minutes to give me smooches and just talk like we should have been doing all along. He has a lot of REAL issues to deal with right now and so do I. I told him I will wait for whatever it is that he needs or wants. That's our son that we made together. If I can help by taking or picking him up from or to daycare then I will do it. It will give me time to spend with my son. Granted, in my perfect world I would love to have all three of us doing that together but only time and God can determine that. . . . .there's that ugly thing again, time.
One thing that I noticed last night while talking to Hubby was what I really enjoy about him and I. I enjoy drinking with him and talking about finances with him and how they will be handled. I enjoy planning on what the week will hold and who needs what. All of that communication broke down at the end and I think both of us were just kind of like "okay who's doing what now" until it just got ridiculous. He said something very important to me last night. He told me that he is seeing his flaws and doing something to change them which I think is a very humbling thing to do. Most people can't admit that they have flaws let alone try to fix them. I know I have all kinds of flaws and that they need to be worked on but I can't do them all at once. I have to pick the worst ones out and tackle those first and pick them off one by one. By the time I am done, I should be in the ground and at peace with the world. My Hubby (and I will still call him that to the day I die) is a good man with a lot of baggage to either unload or throw away. All it's doing is holding him down and keeping him from being an even better man than he already is.
I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love him for what he is and what he isn't because he is a part of me, I am a part of him and our son is a part of us. God please help me start to gain some weight.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Loosing Everything
I have lost everything. It sounds depressing and Hubby keeps telling me that it is all my doing. I came home yesterday and it was a gorgeous day outside. I wanted to play with my son outside since it was so pretty. When I got there, Hubby was gone and no son in sight so I called. He told me that they "all" were on their way back from getting ice cream and he wished that I would have let him know ahead of time what my intentions were so that he could have made other arrangements. I sadly said okay and got off of the phone. I can't take this. This hurts. But once again this is all my fault. How is this my fault? I can't possibly bear the weight of this whole boulder all by myself so if someone tells me that I'm not strong, think of that.
Last night I watched from a distance while my son played with another child that I couldn't play with or get close to. I rode the 4 wheeler in the lower field, drank lots of beer and smoked for a good hour. Hubby and S played washers in the other field away from me. Alone. That's how I feel right now. I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, nobody to do things for, nobody to take care of which is good because I can barely take care of myself. I was so sad and depressed yesterday because all I wanted to do was be with my family and I couldn't. I haven't been gone that long and all I am doing is standing there with my arms stretched out and crying, begging and pleading, please come and take me.
I am staying at my In-Laws right now and my biggest dream would be to be in bed asleep and have Hubby sneak in and kneel down and kiss me and wake me up and tell me that the nightmare is all over. If that would happen I don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely ecstatic. I would be so elated! I know he is going through so much pain right now. He says he is so happy right now which is all I want for him but I don't honestly believe that he is all THAT happy. I think he is still in a lot of pain and doesn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it is the hardest thing to do for anyone. Facing your fears and pushing through them is something that is painful and hard for anyone.
He told me that the past 8 years of our relationship were a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. How in one month can you just fall out of love with someone? How can that be unless it was never there to begin with. THEN it would be a mistake and a lie. This is all so sad to me and hard to bear. I just wish this nightmare would be over. I'm tired of aching all over again and being in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I can't see through the tears. When will this end? Time is the cruelest of all creations.
Last night I watched from a distance while my son played with another child that I couldn't play with or get close to. I rode the 4 wheeler in the lower field, drank lots of beer and smoked for a good hour. Hubby and S played washers in the other field away from me. Alone. That's how I feel right now. I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, nobody to do things for, nobody to take care of which is good because I can barely take care of myself. I was so sad and depressed yesterday because all I wanted to do was be with my family and I couldn't. I haven't been gone that long and all I am doing is standing there with my arms stretched out and crying, begging and pleading, please come and take me.
I am staying at my In-Laws right now and my biggest dream would be to be in bed asleep and have Hubby sneak in and kneel down and kiss me and wake me up and tell me that the nightmare is all over. If that would happen I don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely ecstatic. I would be so elated! I know he is going through so much pain right now. He says he is so happy right now which is all I want for him but I don't honestly believe that he is all THAT happy. I think he is still in a lot of pain and doesn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it is the hardest thing to do for anyone. Facing your fears and pushing through them is something that is painful and hard for anyone.
He told me that the past 8 years of our relationship were a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. How in one month can you just fall out of love with someone? How can that be unless it was never there to begin with. THEN it would be a mistake and a lie. This is all so sad to me and hard to bear. I just wish this nightmare would be over. I'm tired of aching all over again and being in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I can't see through the tears. When will this end? Time is the cruelest of all creations.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Emotions and Letting Go
My emotions have always gotten the best of me. Last night my son spent the night with Hubby while S stayed the night with her daughter at Hubby's house. It was so hard for me to not be a part of all of the fun of watching our son play and have fun. It was so hard not being a family.
I have to let a lot of this go if I have any hopes of anything working out. Everything has been said and everything has been done. All of the ugly words have been spoken and all of the hurtful things have been played out. I am tired, worn out, beat down and feel like ass. I can't eat, I can't sleep without taking something heavy, I can't shit right, I can't smile, I'm paranoid that I'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My life has no quality to it right now. I am trying bit by bit to figure out how to just take care of myself and it is hard.
I drove into work this morning and my tire sensor light came on. I checked the tires before I came in and one of them (the one that got hit) was stripped and screwed up. I am deathly afraid of talking to Hubby for fear that I will say something that will make him mad so I texted him to let him know what was going on. He has a busy day at work and instead of texting, he called me back to discuss. He told me to call where we had the work done and if I got stranded to call him. That comforted me greatly. I got a hold of the place that did the work, then called the place where we normally get the tires done and am having them get the work done and send the bill to the collision center. It made me feel like my old self again for a brief moment getting things taken care of as a team to get things done but how long will it last and oh God do I miss it.
Letting go of all of this is in hopes that I can reconcile what we once had if given the chance. Coming on too strong is a turn off and getting too close to the situation is just hurting me beyond belief. One day I am expecting him to wake up and tell me to just get away from him and that he never wants to see me again. I want to clean his house, take care of our child, lay next to his body, cook our meals, spend time outside as a family, pay bills together, shop together. . . .these are all things that I took for granted and want to move on past for saying I'm sorry is not enough. Any person in their right mind would know that saying sorry is not enough so what is enough? Walking away and letting the damage be what it is until it fizzles out or trying?
Trust is a big issue with Hubby right now and rightfully so. He doesn't trust me and thinks that if he takes me back that I will leave again. I have told him over and over again that I will not. Words are just that . . . words. I don't know what I can do to show him that I love him and our little family and our routine that is now in an uproarious turmoil. Nothing is right. Our son is on a schedule that somewhat works sometimes but doesn't understand why I am not home. When I do come down to the house all I can do is clean and straighten up and do laundry because it makes me feel better and takes some of the hurt away. I gave Hubby a lot of chances within the past 8 years with various things to many to count and know that back in my mind that they could always come back to haunt him and hurt me. I just wish he would do the same for me. I know I hurt him but all I want is a chance to have another fight and show him that I am not going anywhere.
If anything, I want to pack up all of our things and family and move down to our place and start all over again.
I have to let a lot of this go if I have any hopes of anything working out. Everything has been said and everything has been done. All of the ugly words have been spoken and all of the hurtful things have been played out. I am tired, worn out, beat down and feel like ass. I can't eat, I can't sleep without taking something heavy, I can't shit right, I can't smile, I'm paranoid that I'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My life has no quality to it right now. I am trying bit by bit to figure out how to just take care of myself and it is hard.
I drove into work this morning and my tire sensor light came on. I checked the tires before I came in and one of them (the one that got hit) was stripped and screwed up. I am deathly afraid of talking to Hubby for fear that I will say something that will make him mad so I texted him to let him know what was going on. He has a busy day at work and instead of texting, he called me back to discuss. He told me to call where we had the work done and if I got stranded to call him. That comforted me greatly. I got a hold of the place that did the work, then called the place where we normally get the tires done and am having them get the work done and send the bill to the collision center. It made me feel like my old self again for a brief moment getting things taken care of as a team to get things done but how long will it last and oh God do I miss it.
Letting go of all of this is in hopes that I can reconcile what we once had if given the chance. Coming on too strong is a turn off and getting too close to the situation is just hurting me beyond belief. One day I am expecting him to wake up and tell me to just get away from him and that he never wants to see me again. I want to clean his house, take care of our child, lay next to his body, cook our meals, spend time outside as a family, pay bills together, shop together. . . .these are all things that I took for granted and want to move on past for saying I'm sorry is not enough. Any person in their right mind would know that saying sorry is not enough so what is enough? Walking away and letting the damage be what it is until it fizzles out or trying?
Trust is a big issue with Hubby right now and rightfully so. He doesn't trust me and thinks that if he takes me back that I will leave again. I have told him over and over again that I will not. Words are just that . . . words. I don't know what I can do to show him that I love him and our little family and our routine that is now in an uproarious turmoil. Nothing is right. Our son is on a schedule that somewhat works sometimes but doesn't understand why I am not home. When I do come down to the house all I can do is clean and straighten up and do laundry because it makes me feel better and takes some of the hurt away. I gave Hubby a lot of chances within the past 8 years with various things to many to count and know that back in my mind that they could always come back to haunt him and hurt me. I just wish he would do the same for me. I know I hurt him but all I want is a chance to have another fight and show him that I am not going anywhere.
If anything, I want to pack up all of our things and family and move down to our place and start all over again.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. . . . I have an awful temper. Everyone knows that. The one thing that I've held back is my anger, temper and rage up except for a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't sleep, I found out some things that I didn't want to know about and didn't know how to deal with. Hurt myself physically and then BOOM! I destroyed it. I have a burning rage so deep inside of me right now that it can't be put out. Just like hubby I'm sure.
I talked to another man about my problems instead of Hubby. Wrong and bad move on my part. Once again, making bad decisions seems to be something that I'm good at. . . not proud of but good at. The conversation was short and stupid. All that came out of it was that I deserved better and I should be treated better because I was bitching about Hubby. I never stick up for Hubby which if there is a show ball's chance in hell of us getting back together, THAT will definitely change. Point being is that Hubby is pissed at this guy now. This guy could be a girl, or a child or a dog and it wouldn't matter, he would still be pissed at them for me listening to them and then acting on it. It's hard for me to mend my ways when I am not given the chance but once again, I talked to someone last night that I shouldn't have and now I'm back at square one in his book.
I am so filled with hate and rage right now. No, I'm not the quite, passive type. I get pissed and it doesn't take much. So with all of this? This is all my fault. I caused all of this. I created all of this hell and demise and pain for everyone. The one that I hate the most is myself. I hate myself so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to eat. I can't stand to get dressed in the morning or go to work. Hubby told me last night that he can't stand to look at me because all it does is piss him off. Guess what, I'm right there with you. I can't stand myself right now. I hate myself, I hate what I did to him, I hate what I did to my family, I hate what I threw away, I hate, hate, hate, hate. The rage that I have pulsing through my veins right now is so fiery that's it's unbearable.
There are times that I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I wish a car would just hit me so hard that it completely dismembered me. I have children and the hope that Hubby wants to work things out with us. I also have the rage that he doesn't want to try. That is what is so maddening. Trying is so hard. He has asked me that if I were to come back would I leave because it has not only been thrown back at me once but twice by two different people for leaving two times. Yes, I have left twice. I was stupid twice. Ever heard of that song "Stupid Girl"? That's me. . . . .
I talked to another man about my problems instead of Hubby. Wrong and bad move on my part. Once again, making bad decisions seems to be something that I'm good at. . . not proud of but good at. The conversation was short and stupid. All that came out of it was that I deserved better and I should be treated better because I was bitching about Hubby. I never stick up for Hubby which if there is a show ball's chance in hell of us getting back together, THAT will definitely change. Point being is that Hubby is pissed at this guy now. This guy could be a girl, or a child or a dog and it wouldn't matter, he would still be pissed at them for me listening to them and then acting on it. It's hard for me to mend my ways when I am not given the chance but once again, I talked to someone last night that I shouldn't have and now I'm back at square one in his book.
I am so filled with hate and rage right now. No, I'm not the quite, passive type. I get pissed and it doesn't take much. So with all of this? This is all my fault. I caused all of this. I created all of this hell and demise and pain for everyone. The one that I hate the most is myself. I hate myself so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to eat. I can't stand to get dressed in the morning or go to work. Hubby told me last night that he can't stand to look at me because all it does is piss him off. Guess what, I'm right there with you. I can't stand myself right now. I hate myself, I hate what I did to him, I hate what I did to my family, I hate what I threw away, I hate, hate, hate, hate. The rage that I have pulsing through my veins right now is so fiery that's it's unbearable.
There are times that I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I wish a car would just hit me so hard that it completely dismembered me. I have children and the hope that Hubby wants to work things out with us. I also have the rage that he doesn't want to try. That is what is so maddening. Trying is so hard. He has asked me that if I were to come back would I leave because it has not only been thrown back at me once but twice by two different people for leaving two times. Yes, I have left twice. I was stupid twice. Ever heard of that song "Stupid Girl"? That's me. . . . .
Choices
Right now I literally have nobody to talk to. If I do, I could jeopardize the one thing that is the most important thing in my life - my family. So instead, I'm going to write to myself; at least it looks better than walking around talking to myself!
I am in the middle of an absolute shit storm and I have to let go. I have to stand by and watch things fall apart. I have to let someone else take over and be my role and, take care of my child, and love my man and take care of our home that is not longer mine. The same as my man is no longer mine. I have to find a place in the world that I fit. I don't know where I fit right now or if I want to fit anywhere.
This is how I get my emotions out without getting into trouble and without saying the wrong things. This is how I can say what I need to and not be judged on what I do. This is something that I can if I choose let someone else read it so that they know where I am coming from. It saves a lot of time and it comes from the heart. To a passerby, this is boring bs. I don't care.
My mind is in an awful turmoil. I am sad all the time. I'm being told that Hubby thought I was strong but now I'm not. I have always been strong. I went through 3 rapes, 3 hospitals - one of which told me that I had an anger disorder, a reform school, a miscarriage, being broke countless of times, countless of seizures, living without a home, having people steal from me, having conditional parents. I don't know how I was strong through all of it but I was. I think it was all of the hate and the rage and the anger that got me through all of it. Hubby taught me that getting angry isn't the answer all the time. Right now it isn't easy to get angry and hurtful for the fear that I could do damage. Instead, I talked. . . .here we go again with a WRONG choice. I talked to someone that I shouldn't have and now he is more pissed than ever. Never wants tot talk to me, never wants to see me. Doesn't want me period.
Every thing I do I feel is wrong. I feel like I am wrong. What I do is wrong. What I say is wrong. All my actions are wrong. I used to be able to say screw the world and life would have to go on with or without whatever choice I made. Today I'm made the choice to stand back for a long time and see what happens. Be alone and see if I can completely understand how much damage I've done. . . Oh and I've done a lot of damage. I'll take responsibility for that and then some.
I'll leave on this note, I've not had much in my life as far as possessions are concerned with the exception of my children and my Hubby. None of them felt like possessions to me but parts of me that always made me happy.
I am in the middle of an absolute shit storm and I have to let go. I have to stand by and watch things fall apart. I have to let someone else take over and be my role and, take care of my child, and love my man and take care of our home that is not longer mine. The same as my man is no longer mine. I have to find a place in the world that I fit. I don't know where I fit right now or if I want to fit anywhere.
This is how I get my emotions out without getting into trouble and without saying the wrong things. This is how I can say what I need to and not be judged on what I do. This is something that I can if I choose let someone else read it so that they know where I am coming from. It saves a lot of time and it comes from the heart. To a passerby, this is boring bs. I don't care.
My mind is in an awful turmoil. I am sad all the time. I'm being told that Hubby thought I was strong but now I'm not. I have always been strong. I went through 3 rapes, 3 hospitals - one of which told me that I had an anger disorder, a reform school, a miscarriage, being broke countless of times, countless of seizures, living without a home, having people steal from me, having conditional parents. I don't know how I was strong through all of it but I was. I think it was all of the hate and the rage and the anger that got me through all of it. Hubby taught me that getting angry isn't the answer all the time. Right now it isn't easy to get angry and hurtful for the fear that I could do damage. Instead, I talked. . . .here we go again with a WRONG choice. I talked to someone that I shouldn't have and now he is more pissed than ever. Never wants tot talk to me, never wants to see me. Doesn't want me period.
Every thing I do I feel is wrong. I feel like I am wrong. What I do is wrong. What I say is wrong. All my actions are wrong. I used to be able to say screw the world and life would have to go on with or without whatever choice I made. Today I'm made the choice to stand back for a long time and see what happens. Be alone and see if I can completely understand how much damage I've done. . . Oh and I've done a lot of damage. I'll take responsibility for that and then some.
I'll leave on this note, I've not had much in my life as far as possessions are concerned with the exception of my children and my Hubby. None of them felt like possessions to me but parts of me that always made me happy.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Back to Square One, Not about me and Mother's Day
Hubby is having an awful time. He doesn't know what he wants and is getting pulled in two directions. He loves me but is in love with someone else. He asked me to move back in and I did for a day or two. Today I called the other girl. I did this to see what she's like. I don't like hearing about her, I don't like talking about her. Why? I don't know. Probably because she's the other woman. However, it's not fair. It's not fair for me to judge someone that I don't know which is on my list of things to change.
I called her today and asked her if she could call me back at noon. I'm not sure what I will say but I know it will be nice. I will probably tell her that she doesn't know me and that I don't know her but I would like to try to know her. I will also tell her that Hubby is confused and that it has to do with both of us. What can be done? No one knows except for Hubby. He had told me that this was not my fault and to keep my chin up and have a good day. It's hard. I'll have to go back home, pack my things up again and go up to my MIL's house so that he can have time to think and regroup. I have known him for 8 years, in and out. I usually can look him in the eye and know what's going on with him. I can do that now and all I see is darkness. He woke up this morning and all I saw was anger and sadness. I couldn't understand. I'm a woman and shouldn't want to fix things but this I want so desperately to fix. He is in a lot of pain and I think that some of it has to do with him asking me to come home and not seeing her. I think he misses her.
So here I am again, trudging back up the hill to the house tonight. . . alone, confused, depressed and waiting for some sort of absolution and peace for both of us and for her too. I don't know how she feels but I'm sure it's not comfortable right now. My mother's day is going to be an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure how it will play out.
I called her today and asked her if she could call me back at noon. I'm not sure what I will say but I know it will be nice. I will probably tell her that she doesn't know me and that I don't know her but I would like to try to know her. I will also tell her that Hubby is confused and that it has to do with both of us. What can be done? No one knows except for Hubby. He had told me that this was not my fault and to keep my chin up and have a good day. It's hard. I'll have to go back home, pack my things up again and go up to my MIL's house so that he can have time to think and regroup. I have known him for 8 years, in and out. I usually can look him in the eye and know what's going on with him. I can do that now and all I see is darkness. He woke up this morning and all I saw was anger and sadness. I couldn't understand. I'm a woman and shouldn't want to fix things but this I want so desperately to fix. He is in a lot of pain and I think that some of it has to do with him asking me to come home and not seeing her. I think he misses her.
So here I am again, trudging back up the hill to the house tonight. . . alone, confused, depressed and waiting for some sort of absolution and peace for both of us and for her too. I don't know how she feels but I'm sure it's not comfortable right now. My mother's day is going to be an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure how it will play out.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Happiness and the List
I have been unhappy for a while now and all of it is of my own making. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. I am making a list of all of the good things about me that I know of to help:
Now for the bad things which will help me put things into perspective:
Let's see. . . . that's 19 good things and 13 things that I dislike about myself. Maybe I"m pretty balanced but after looking at this list, I know there are some things that I can sit and sulk about or things that I can try to work on to be a better person. I think I'm taking choice number 2. I'm tired of being unhappy. I am ready to make myself happy again. I hope that Hubby can see this list too and know how freeing it is to know what your faults and strengths are that you can work on.
- I am caring
- I am pretty
- I am smart
- I am witty
- I am diligent
- I am loving
- I am strong (still working on that)
- I am creative
- I am reliable
- I am loyal
- I am sexy
- I'm a good mom
- I am a good mate (hopefully that will show itself again)
- I am a good cook
- I'm a good lover
- I'm a good daughter
- I stand up for myself and others
- I'm good with numbers
- I'm good with words
Now for the bad things which will help me put things into perspective:
- I have a bad temper
- I cuss too much
- I am too quick to judge others
- I listen to others when I should follow my heart
- I'm not the best house keeper
- I'm not the best with car maintenance
- I'm no good with money (but I'm trying!)
- I turn my feelings off when I'm hurt
- I am impulsive
- I can be hateful
- I hold grudges
- I am vengeful
- I don't listen as carefully as I should
Let's see. . . . that's 19 good things and 13 things that I dislike about myself. Maybe I"m pretty balanced but after looking at this list, I know there are some things that I can sit and sulk about or things that I can try to work on to be a better person. I think I'm taking choice number 2. I'm tired of being unhappy. I am ready to make myself happy again. I hope that Hubby can see this list too and know how freeing it is to know what your faults and strengths are that you can work on.
Confusion
2 days ago I was awaiting a very important decision from Hubby. . . whether he wanted me or not. I pulled up at the house after being beyond stressed as to what his decision would be and he threw his arms around me and told me "welcome home". I cried and had a magnificent night. We talked and connected and we decided that I would move back in. I was so happy. My family was finally coming together. My man was back in my life, my little boy was ecstatic and I was content.
Yesterday I ran like a mad woman to get home. I had a tanning appointment and had to go to Walgreen's to pick up some stuff. I have put off working out this week to spend time with my family which it desperately needs. I got home and he tells me that he spend part of the day with the other girl that he just broke it off with and that he just wanted to be honest with me. It was hard to hear but okay. Then he asked how I would take it if he did end up going to FL. I told him that I would have to let him go if it would work with us. He also told me that within the first week and a half that they wanted to marry each other. That stuck in me like a hot sword that I couldn't remove. After 8 years, that was the last thing that I want to know especially considering that he couldn't connect that deeply with me to entertain the thought of marriage. Hurt isn't even the word to describe it right now.
In a nutshell, she's everything that I am not. She's funny, and lighthearted. She doesn't take anything too seriously. She's nice and pretty (that I am. . . I'm holding on to that trait by God!) She spends money on him hand over fist because she thinks he deserves it which he does but I can't do it. I spend my money on bills for the house. She's not bitter and has a good job. She thinks the world of him and thinks he walks on water. I don't think he walks on water but through my heart every single day. If I could, I would buy him all kinds of things to pimp him out. If I could, I would be happy go lucky and be nice to every person that I came across but the public isn't nice some of the time so now I have to learn the lesson of turn the other cheek. I have to take the things that come out of people's mouths and brush them off. I have to change dramatically for him to save our relationship.
This girl will wait. She has told him that. Why me? Why does she hate me so much to do this to both of us? He's confused, I'm confused. I came home last night and he told me all of this and I went right back into a state of depression. I am on trial again for the next month because he still doesn't know what he wants. Why take me back then? Who knows. Maybe because I'm comfortable and familiar. All I know is that I don't want to talk about her anymore. That's all he talks about. How can we get to us with talking about another person all the time? How can we get on with repairing our relationship when someone else is there waiting for a slip up? Some of the things that I was told last night were so hard to hear and all of them were about her and what she would do for him and how she wouldn't leave his side and how she would love him forever and how I left. That was always the premise. . . . I left. . . . I left. . . . I left. God I left and look at what happened. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know if I'm saying or doing the wrong or right things because obviously for the past 8 years I've been doing it all wrong. In one day I was so happy and within 24 hours, I'm depressed, confused and unsure as to where my place is. I used to be the princess of my castle and now I still feel like I'm a guest just waiting for the vacation to be over so that I can leave.
Yesterday I ran like a mad woman to get home. I had a tanning appointment and had to go to Walgreen's to pick up some stuff. I have put off working out this week to spend time with my family which it desperately needs. I got home and he tells me that he spend part of the day with the other girl that he just broke it off with and that he just wanted to be honest with me. It was hard to hear but okay. Then he asked how I would take it if he did end up going to FL. I told him that I would have to let him go if it would work with us. He also told me that within the first week and a half that they wanted to marry each other. That stuck in me like a hot sword that I couldn't remove. After 8 years, that was the last thing that I want to know especially considering that he couldn't connect that deeply with me to entertain the thought of marriage. Hurt isn't even the word to describe it right now.
In a nutshell, she's everything that I am not. She's funny, and lighthearted. She doesn't take anything too seriously. She's nice and pretty (that I am. . . I'm holding on to that trait by God!) She spends money on him hand over fist because she thinks he deserves it which he does but I can't do it. I spend my money on bills for the house. She's not bitter and has a good job. She thinks the world of him and thinks he walks on water. I don't think he walks on water but through my heart every single day. If I could, I would buy him all kinds of things to pimp him out. If I could, I would be happy go lucky and be nice to every person that I came across but the public isn't nice some of the time so now I have to learn the lesson of turn the other cheek. I have to take the things that come out of people's mouths and brush them off. I have to change dramatically for him to save our relationship.
This girl will wait. She has told him that. Why me? Why does she hate me so much to do this to both of us? He's confused, I'm confused. I came home last night and he told me all of this and I went right back into a state of depression. I am on trial again for the next month because he still doesn't know what he wants. Why take me back then? Who knows. Maybe because I'm comfortable and familiar. All I know is that I don't want to talk about her anymore. That's all he talks about. How can we get to us with talking about another person all the time? How can we get on with repairing our relationship when someone else is there waiting for a slip up? Some of the things that I was told last night were so hard to hear and all of them were about her and what she would do for him and how she wouldn't leave his side and how she would love him forever and how I left. That was always the premise. . . . I left. . . . I left. . . . I left. God I left and look at what happened. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know if I'm saying or doing the wrong or right things because obviously for the past 8 years I've been doing it all wrong. In one day I was so happy and within 24 hours, I'm depressed, confused and unsure as to where my place is. I used to be the princess of my castle and now I still feel like I'm a guest just waiting for the vacation to be over so that I can leave.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Pins and Needles
Last night I took my son down to Hubby's house, got him a shower and we put him to bed. We sat up and talked while he ordered pizza for us and I paced back and forth in the carport. I had something very important to say to him.
I brought him out into the carport and pointed at him and told him that I wanted him to listen and that he couldn't say the word "but". I talked for 15 minutes straight. I told him that everything that we have been through that we have become and extension of the other. Leaving made me realize that. When I left, I left a piece of me with him and was lost. I told him that if we didn't work things out, that I would be a lost person because a piece of me would be with him and there is a part of him that is with me that I won't be able to understand because he would be gone. There are things about him that only I know and understand. I have shared ALL of me with him that nobody else has had the privilege of knowing. I will not allow another person to know that person and that it is a gift that I shared with him.
Leaving hurt both of us. Some people were happy that it happened but it wasn't us that was happy. I tried to be happy and find joy and think that I had made the right decision. All I kept doing was hurt myself and him. I have beat myself up everyday over this. I have tried to say the right words, make the right actions, be a better person, go through the motions of work and life and all of it has been agonizing.
This talk that we are having tonight between now and then is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. I have prayed over all of this for a while now asking God to give us strength to get through this. To make both of us better people for it and to make us stronger. I just hope that's how it ends up.
I brought him out into the carport and pointed at him and told him that I wanted him to listen and that he couldn't say the word "but". I talked for 15 minutes straight. I told him that everything that we have been through that we have become and extension of the other. Leaving made me realize that. When I left, I left a piece of me with him and was lost. I told him that if we didn't work things out, that I would be a lost person because a piece of me would be with him and there is a part of him that is with me that I won't be able to understand because he would be gone. There are things about him that only I know and understand. I have shared ALL of me with him that nobody else has had the privilege of knowing. I will not allow another person to know that person and that it is a gift that I shared with him.
Leaving hurt both of us. Some people were happy that it happened but it wasn't us that was happy. I tried to be happy and find joy and think that I had made the right decision. All I kept doing was hurt myself and him. I have beat myself up everyday over this. I have tried to say the right words, make the right actions, be a better person, go through the motions of work and life and all of it has been agonizing.
This talk that we are having tonight between now and then is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. I have prayed over all of this for a while now asking God to give us strength to get through this. To make both of us better people for it and to make us stronger. I just hope that's how it ends up.
Friday, May 02, 2008
New Letter to Mom
Hi Mom,
Now I'm mad at you. Since you left, I told everyone that it was for the best and that I was just grateful that I had what little time that I had with you. Now I am just fucking pissed.
You died on March 20th at 11:10am 2006. I got there 10 minutes late, alone, with strangers and no family except for you around and you were dead. I literally ran around an airport that I had never been to hysterical. Strangers were looking at me like I was a lunatic. I had no comfort so to speak. Hubby was back in St. Louis so the whole week while I was lost and confused, I drank my confusion away. I drank until I had no more liver and cried until I didn't care how many people looked at me funny. I wanted to come back home just to have the comfort of my family around me.
We never had a funeral for you. Nobody said any kind words for you for you leaving this earth. I put you in my backpack that was lent to me by one of your friends and I brought you home. I was picked up by my MIL at the airport and cried. I got home and saw Hubby and hugged him and tried to cry but was all cried out. . . .until now.
Now I am pissed, angry and in such a rage. Hubby took me out for your anniversary on the 20th to dinner and drinks. We didn't talk about your death and never really have. I don't know why and some of it may have had to do with all of the alcohol that we drank. It has just now hit me that I am so angry at God for taking you from me and for you leaving me. Why? Why did you leave me? Why? Hubby and I are having so many problems right now and I want to talk to him so badly about all of this, have him hold me, let me cry like I should have when I first found out that you died but I can't. So now not only have I lost you but I am loosing him too and it hurts me so much to know that I have no control over the future that I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up. I am so alone and so sad that I don't know what to do. I miss you so much and want to talk to you, hold you, be with you. I know you are so much happier where you are but why?
I was driving the other day and a song came on and it hit me so hard that I doubled over in half. I cried so hard and started screaming at you and punching the steering wheel. I have never felt so alone before in all my life and am so angry that you are gone. I just wish you would have taken better care of yourself so that you could see your grandchildren and see me. You asked Hubby to promise you to always take care of me and with all the problems that we are having right now, I don't know that he can. He says he will but the pain is so great and I have nobody to deal with it right now. I could talk to my MIL about this if I wanted to but I want to share this all with Hubby. He helped me find you, was there when I met you, knows how you made my life complete and when you died, my life was in turmoil. I didn't know that until now and now all I have is nothing and nobody to help me. I litterally wake up crying, go to bed crying, cry when I see my son, cry throughout the day, hear a song and cry. I feel like a big baby. I didn't know a human being could have that much hurt and tears in them.
I wish you were back and could hug your tiny body. My body has become yours and I am trying so hard to be healthy again and it is hard. If you are listening and can read this message, please help M understand that I need him now more than ever because I can't take much more of this.
Now I'm mad at you. Since you left, I told everyone that it was for the best and that I was just grateful that I had what little time that I had with you. Now I am just fucking pissed.
You died on March 20th at 11:10am 2006. I got there 10 minutes late, alone, with strangers and no family except for you around and you were dead. I literally ran around an airport that I had never been to hysterical. Strangers were looking at me like I was a lunatic. I had no comfort so to speak. Hubby was back in St. Louis so the whole week while I was lost and confused, I drank my confusion away. I drank until I had no more liver and cried until I didn't care how many people looked at me funny. I wanted to come back home just to have the comfort of my family around me.
We never had a funeral for you. Nobody said any kind words for you for you leaving this earth. I put you in my backpack that was lent to me by one of your friends and I brought you home. I was picked up by my MIL at the airport and cried. I got home and saw Hubby and hugged him and tried to cry but was all cried out. . . .until now.
Now I am pissed, angry and in such a rage. Hubby took me out for your anniversary on the 20th to dinner and drinks. We didn't talk about your death and never really have. I don't know why and some of it may have had to do with all of the alcohol that we drank. It has just now hit me that I am so angry at God for taking you from me and for you leaving me. Why? Why did you leave me? Why? Hubby and I are having so many problems right now and I want to talk to him so badly about all of this, have him hold me, let me cry like I should have when I first found out that you died but I can't. So now not only have I lost you but I am loosing him too and it hurts me so much to know that I have no control over the future that I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up. I am so alone and so sad that I don't know what to do. I miss you so much and want to talk to you, hold you, be with you. I know you are so much happier where you are but why?
I was driving the other day and a song came on and it hit me so hard that I doubled over in half. I cried so hard and started screaming at you and punching the steering wheel. I have never felt so alone before in all my life and am so angry that you are gone. I just wish you would have taken better care of yourself so that you could see your grandchildren and see me. You asked Hubby to promise you to always take care of me and with all the problems that we are having right now, I don't know that he can. He says he will but the pain is so great and I have nobody to deal with it right now. I could talk to my MIL about this if I wanted to but I want to share this all with Hubby. He helped me find you, was there when I met you, knows how you made my life complete and when you died, my life was in turmoil. I didn't know that until now and now all I have is nothing and nobody to help me. I litterally wake up crying, go to bed crying, cry when I see my son, cry throughout the day, hear a song and cry. I feel like a big baby. I didn't know a human being could have that much hurt and tears in them.
I wish you were back and could hug your tiny body. My body has become yours and I am trying so hard to be healthy again and it is hard. If you are listening and can read this message, please help M understand that I need him now more than ever because I can't take much more of this.
Writing
Writing seems to be the only way that I can get out what I need to. I'm going through a really bad period right now. I feel like the things that are most important to me in my life are slipping away from me.
I am living currently with my MIL for now so that I can be close with my son and to try to work things out with Hubby. I'll get to that aspect as far as Hubby and I are concerned later. Everything I did for my boy was wrong. He didn't listen, didn't like what I cooked him, told me he didn't want his Daddy and wanted to go home. Apparently this has been going on since I moved out and has been happening with Hubby as well while he is in his care from what I've been told. I made him fish for dinner and corn. Didn't like the fish and ate the corn but the whole thing was a battle. The whole time this was going on, I flitted about the house doing laundry, cleaning up and getting things situated. By the way, I'm on tranquilizers to calm my nerves and be able to sleep which are just barely working. Hubby had a dinner date last night with the girl that he is seeing to meet her parents. That was hard but I took it with a grain of salt. You have to give a little to get a little back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together.
I drank some beer last night while I was working, smoked some cigarettes and tried my best to be a mom to my son. It just wasn't happening. My son is going through a lot of changes that aren't fair and I know that I'm the cause of it. Making it right isn't something that I know how to do but am willing to learn and try for his happiness. In my mind, his happiness would be to have things the way they were. Cleaning the house, playing ball outside, mowing the grass, having his dad sit on the sofa watching TV or playing a video game, me cooking a big dinner, having people come over and visit. Our home was not an unhappy home. It was a pleasant functioning home. It had its ups and downs but the downs were outweighed by the ups.
I crab a lot and bitch a lot about a lot of trivial things. I can open my mouth and complain about the stupidest things. According to whoever happens to be there at the time, will give an opinion and IF I choose to actually listen, can either go in one ear or out the other. One day I bitched about Hubby and somebody told me that I could do better and deserved better. Not only did I not defend Hubby at the time because I was mad at him but I listened. I LISTENED WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE. It was the gravest mistake I could make. My choice has cost me my family and my love.
Now for the wrench in the works. While I was gone, Hubby found another girl to lean on. I don't know her and to be honest with you, I don't want to know her. I ask a lot of questions just because I want to know where I stand because I don't think I stand anywhere. He told me this girl is just like me but that there are things about her that he likes and things that he doesn't. . .same with me. Through all of this, I've learned that the person that you choose for your mate is one that you will take for good and bad. I know this man from the inside and out as he does me. I am also not willing to start all over again and allow someone else to know me that way. That is one thing that I only shared with him and my kids. Anyway, this girl asked him to dinner last night to meet her parents, sisters and aunt and uncle. For clarification we will call the girl S. Last night I woke up at midnight and say Hubby's light was on and called to see if he was having a hard time sleeping. He said no that he was talking with S and trying figure out what he wanted meaning she or I which is what I'm assuming. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5a this morning and got ready for work. When I dropped our son off, he was very cold which I knew some of it had to do with him being tired. I also saw pictures of him and her in a photo booth on his dash of his truck. I didn't have much to say because ALL of this hurts. . . . ALL of it.
I don't know what he wants or if he wants all of it. All of this is so complex. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him I was wrong, tell him that I royally screwed up and that both of us need to change. I want to tell him why I love him and what it is about him that attracts me to him so much. I want to tell him the real reason why I left and the reason why I came back. I want to tell him how important OUR family is to me and should be to him. Things are rough but can always be worked out if you try hard enough. I am just so worry that I have come too late and that what I say doesn't make an ounce of difference. I can't say or do any of these things with another woman constantly there, texting, calling waiting for me to leave so that she can come over. None of that is fair nor is it right. I want things too in my life but I am taking steps back because I am worried if I push too hard that I will loose him. I have told him that I won't leave. I have told him that in the future if we argue that none of this will come up again and in all honesty, why should it? If we deal with this now, it shouldn't have a need to come up. If we do get back together, this will make us stronger than ever before. I just don't know if he can see that right now with having another person at his side distracting him. I just want my family and me to be whole and happy again . . . that's all I want.
I am living currently with my MIL for now so that I can be close with my son and to try to work things out with Hubby. I'll get to that aspect as far as Hubby and I are concerned later. Everything I did for my boy was wrong. He didn't listen, didn't like what I cooked him, told me he didn't want his Daddy and wanted to go home. Apparently this has been going on since I moved out and has been happening with Hubby as well while he is in his care from what I've been told. I made him fish for dinner and corn. Didn't like the fish and ate the corn but the whole thing was a battle. The whole time this was going on, I flitted about the house doing laundry, cleaning up and getting things situated. By the way, I'm on tranquilizers to calm my nerves and be able to sleep which are just barely working. Hubby had a dinner date last night with the girl that he is seeing to meet her parents. That was hard but I took it with a grain of salt. You have to give a little to get a little back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together.
I drank some beer last night while I was working, smoked some cigarettes and tried my best to be a mom to my son. It just wasn't happening. My son is going through a lot of changes that aren't fair and I know that I'm the cause of it. Making it right isn't something that I know how to do but am willing to learn and try for his happiness. In my mind, his happiness would be to have things the way they were. Cleaning the house, playing ball outside, mowing the grass, having his dad sit on the sofa watching TV or playing a video game, me cooking a big dinner, having people come over and visit. Our home was not an unhappy home. It was a pleasant functioning home. It had its ups and downs but the downs were outweighed by the ups.
I crab a lot and bitch a lot about a lot of trivial things. I can open my mouth and complain about the stupidest things. According to whoever happens to be there at the time, will give an opinion and IF I choose to actually listen, can either go in one ear or out the other. One day I bitched about Hubby and somebody told me that I could do better and deserved better. Not only did I not defend Hubby at the time because I was mad at him but I listened. I LISTENED WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE. It was the gravest mistake I could make. My choice has cost me my family and my love.
Now for the wrench in the works. While I was gone, Hubby found another girl to lean on. I don't know her and to be honest with you, I don't want to know her. I ask a lot of questions just because I want to know where I stand because I don't think I stand anywhere. He told me this girl is just like me but that there are things about her that he likes and things that he doesn't. . .same with me. Through all of this, I've learned that the person that you choose for your mate is one that you will take for good and bad. I know this man from the inside and out as he does me. I am also not willing to start all over again and allow someone else to know me that way. That is one thing that I only shared with him and my kids. Anyway, this girl asked him to dinner last night to meet her parents, sisters and aunt and uncle. For clarification we will call the girl S. Last night I woke up at midnight and say Hubby's light was on and called to see if he was having a hard time sleeping. He said no that he was talking with S and trying figure out what he wanted meaning she or I which is what I'm assuming. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5a this morning and got ready for work. When I dropped our son off, he was very cold which I knew some of it had to do with him being tired. I also saw pictures of him and her in a photo booth on his dash of his truck. I didn't have much to say because ALL of this hurts. . . . ALL of it.
I don't know what he wants or if he wants all of it. All of this is so complex. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him I was wrong, tell him that I royally screwed up and that both of us need to change. I want to tell him why I love him and what it is about him that attracts me to him so much. I want to tell him the real reason why I left and the reason why I came back. I want to tell him how important OUR family is to me and should be to him. Things are rough but can always be worked out if you try hard enough. I am just so worry that I have come too late and that what I say doesn't make an ounce of difference. I can't say or do any of these things with another woman constantly there, texting, calling waiting for me to leave so that she can come over. None of that is fair nor is it right. I want things too in my life but I am taking steps back because I am worried if I push too hard that I will loose him. I have told him that I won't leave. I have told him that in the future if we argue that none of this will come up again and in all honesty, why should it? If we deal with this now, it shouldn't have a need to come up. If we do get back together, this will make us stronger than ever before. I just don't know if he can see that right now with having another person at his side distracting him. I just want my family and me to be whole and happy again . . . that's all I want.
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