This Weekend

This weekend was so-so for me. I had a good time up until Sunday night. I went down with our son and played games, barbecued and drank and had a good time. Then it was time for us to go up to the house. I got our son to bed and got myself ready to wind down. It was dark and I changed my clothes and got ready to go outside to smoke. Afterwards I was going to get into the hot tub.

While I was smoking, I noticed that Hubby had all the front porch lights on and that he and S were outside making out (looked more like they were doing WAY more than that) and I almost threw up right over the balcony of the house. My nerves were a wreck. I finished my smoke and got into the hot tub. When I get upset I have to move around. I only stayed in the hot tub for a few minutes and then got out. I went up stairs and didn't even shower. I just changed clothes and took two tranquilizers. I needed something to get my mind off of what I just saw.

See through out all of this, Hubby has always said that he would never do anything romantic in front of me with her out of respect. Not that I don't realize that happens behind closed doors but I really do appreciate that. I don't feel like it's being rubbed in my face and to be honest, I didn't really know how I would react should I see something like that but I did. I went to bed and cried until the pills started working. I got up the next morning to go to my daughters house. Beforehand I stopped and told Hubby what I had seen and he told me he was very sorry.

On the way back from Sissy's house I cried all the way home. I hurt, was confused, I felt like I had violated someone. Hubby had told me just recently that he couldn't take it if he saw me with another guy. I know what he means. I can see someone standing next to him but not sitting on him and rubbing all over each other. It still makes me feel awful. The only time I think I would be okay with it is if we were in a strip club paying someone. At least then she would go away.

Last night we did not have a good conversation at first when I pulled in. I said things that I shouldn't have said in front of her (she's there about 75% of the time there so it's hard to get a 1 on 1 with him most times) and I know I made her uncomfortable. I wasn't intending to. I was hurt and wanted people to know that. I don't know what is holding my heart together because it keeps shattering. Between my mom, my kids and Matt, it slowly gets put back together piece by piece and then gets smooshed all over again. Either I have a big heart or a strong heart, one of the two.

I have to get going, I have lots of work to do today and am leaving early to get our little man's staples taken out today! I hope that goes okay. . . . no more space suit I hope!