Trust

Yesterday I had a mix of emotions going on with Hubby and I. We are working hard on our relationship and there have been a bunch of ups and downs within the past 24 hours. Trust has been a big one. I wrote about it in one of my earlier entries.

S came over to Hubby's last night to vent and talk. Hubby has a big heart and wanted to help her as he would anyone. I was really worried that something bad was going to happen. This is one of those things that I have to change in me. It's a slow process and not the easiest but it has to be done in order for me to be happy, for us to be happy and for our family to be happy. I also have to trust Hubby that he will work with me together in being patient and letting me change and giving me the room to do so which he has done so far.

Last night I was supposed to watch a movie with my MIL and we couldn't get the damn thing to work so I just went to bed and read. I texted Hubby good night and that I love him. I read for a little bit, turned out the light and talked to my mom. I asked her to comfort Matt through all of this and to hold his had and wash away the grief, worry and pain. I also asked her to help him remove the huge bolder that is on his shoulders right now so that his burden could be lightened. I asked her to gather all of the people that she had around her right now to help him find strength within us and himself and help him feel it. I actually felt a kiss on the right side of my forehead and felt at peace at that moment. I thanked my mom for holding my hand and being there with me and showing me that patience is a tough thing to wait on and trust is an even bigger thing to have faith in. I was so angry with my mom for leaving and I told her last night that she has been with me all along no matter what has happened. She has given me signs and told me that things will be okay. She has come to me in dreams and walked me through tough decisions, pain and heartache which sometimes hasn't gone away but I have had to trust that it will. I think she was talking through Hubby about trust and not just trusting him but just trusting most things in general. That is what doesn't make me happy and what is holding me back.

Even though my mom is not alive today, she is with me and with all of us. She has Hubby's family up with her helping her help us and seeing us through all of this and beaming when something good comes our way. Sometimes I don't understand things because my head becomes clouded with worry, other times it is crystal clear.