What should I call this?

Yesterday I had a wild day at work. I was worn out by the time I came home. Hubby and I were supposed to go pick up his new truck but it wasn't done and he was getting aggravated I think that it's been taking so long. Our son was playing up at the house with a friend where he and I are staying. I went up there, changed clothes, snuck some meds in my purse with some money and got our little one together and headed down to Daddy's house for all of us to play together.

He and I played washers, drank and talked a little. He had a lot on his mind I could tell and didn't feel like talking. He wasn't very physical either which I knew he was mulling things over in his mind. We played a few games (all of which I lost but I held him pretty good through most of them). Our son played on his four wheeler and ran in the field. It felt really good to be all together and just hang out and be peaceful.

We played our final game and Hubby already had dinner going for our son. We smoked, drank and talked and little man ate his food. Afterwards it was shower time. We got him in the shower and then Hubby and I went back out on the porch for more talking. There's a lot to get through. I have a bad outlook on a lot of things. Things that most people see the bright side of, I see how will this hurt me. I've always been like that and it's going to be a hard thing to adjust in me. It will probably come in spurts until it becomes comfortable to me and is something that I enjoy and can trust. That was another topic of conversation. Trust. We were throwing washers and I was at one end of the box and Hubby threw and I jumped out of the way. He was proving a point that I don't trust him. How? I don't know but he's right. I think that the only thing that I don't trust about him is some of the big stories that he has told me that border on lying. I've been with him for so long that I can pretty much pick those out though. I'm going to have to trust him on a lot of things. He's never cheated on me and has taken care of me in some of my greatest time of need. Those are all trust things that I know I have with him. Same with him from me.

We talked some more, got our son out of the shower and got him to bed. Ordered a pizza and were worn out. We were going to watch a movie and I asked him if he wanted me to go up to the house. He slyly asked in that "man tone" did you bring your medicine because everyone knows I'm a snake in the grass but it wouldn't hurt to bring it. I ate that food like I hadn't eaten in months. We watched family guy which I haven't watched TV in about a month so it was a treat for me not to mention eating it with Hubby.

We brushed teeth and went to bed. . . .an hour or so later and then got up and smoked one of the best cigarettes I've had in a long time. Finding more "fire" in the "spark" that we have right now is going to take some time to build but we can do it and I'm not just talking sexually. We have one of the most magnificent relationships and many tools to work with to get it back there. We just have to remember where they are and how to use them on each other. We will be going to our special place next weekend to do some boating and spending time together. I am so looking forward to it. I hope that it is a good trip but after last night, "what comes next"? Slowness. That's what comes next. All of this needs to be slow and we need to remember. I am in agreement with him on that. We have a wonderful family that has been beyond damaged and needs serious repair. It will take time to repair that.

Hubby did say something last night that did hurt me and I don't think he meant to but was just being honest. He was talking about his family and didn't know if he saw me in that picture; just him and his son. I almost started crying which I'm pretty all cried out and he is tired of seeing it truthfully. He followed up with telling me that there are things within me that can change that will change that. Inside I was screaming "BUT I AM SO TRYING!!!!!!!!" It's hard but I am and I know why. . . happiness. I have not been the happiest person my whole life and he is trying to show me that I will have to change in order to find happiness. . . .not let things get to me, not let people make me angry and brush things off. Life is too short to care who is out to get you and how you can fuck someone else's world up. If that's and epiphany, then I just had one here in my chair. So honey, if you are listening, thank you for opening my eyes on that once again and know that I am trying. I have certain buttons that will be pushed and I have to either get rid of the buttons or just not care that their there but either way, they are not as important as my family right now.