Writing

Writing seems to be the only way that I can get out what I need to. I'm going through a really bad period right now. I feel like the things that are most important to me in my life are slipping away from me.

I am living currently with my MIL for now so that I can be close with my son and to try to work things out with Hubby. I'll get to that aspect as far as Hubby and I are concerned later. Everything I did for my boy was wrong. He didn't listen, didn't like what I cooked him, told me he didn't want his Daddy and wanted to go home. Apparently this has been going on since I moved out and has been happening with Hubby as well while he is in his care from what I've been told. I made him fish for dinner and corn. Didn't like the fish and ate the corn but the whole thing was a battle. The whole time this was going on, I flitted about the house doing laundry, cleaning up and getting things situated. By the way, I'm on tranquilizers to calm my nerves and be able to sleep which are just barely working. Hubby had a dinner date last night with the girl that he is seeing to meet her parents. That was hard but I took it with a grain of salt. You have to give a little to get a little back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together.

I drank some beer last night while I was working, smoked some cigarettes and tried my best to be a mom to my son. It just wasn't happening. My son is going through a lot of changes that aren't fair and I know that I'm the cause of it. Making it right isn't something that I know how to do but am willing to learn and try for his happiness. In my mind, his happiness would be to have things the way they were. Cleaning the house, playing ball outside, mowing the grass, having his dad sit on the sofa watching TV or playing a video game, me cooking a big dinner, having people come over and visit. Our home was not an unhappy home. It was a pleasant functioning home. It had its ups and downs but the downs were outweighed by the ups.

I crab a lot and bitch a lot about a lot of trivial things. I can open my mouth and complain about the stupidest things. According to whoever happens to be there at the time, will give an opinion and IF I choose to actually listen, can either go in one ear or out the other. One day I bitched about Hubby and somebody told me that I could do better and deserved better. Not only did I not defend Hubby at the time because I was mad at him but I listened. I LISTENED WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE. It was the gravest mistake I could make. My choice has cost me my family and my love.

Now for the wrench in the works. While I was gone, Hubby found another girl to lean on. I don't know her and to be honest with you, I don't want to know her. I ask a lot of questions just because I want to know where I stand because I don't think I stand anywhere. He told me this girl is just like me but that there are things about her that he likes and things that he doesn't. . .same with me. Through all of this, I've learned that the person that you choose for your mate is one that you will take for good and bad. I know this man from the inside and out as he does me. I am also not willing to start all over again and allow someone else to know me that way. That is one thing that I only shared with him and my kids. Anyway, this girl asked him to dinner last night to meet her parents, sisters and aunt and uncle. For clarification we will call the girl S. Last night I woke up at midnight and say Hubby's light was on and called to see if he was having a hard time sleeping. He said no that he was talking with S and trying figure out what he wanted meaning she or I which is what I'm assuming. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5a this morning and got ready for work. When I dropped our son off, he was very cold which I knew some of it had to do with him being tired. I also saw pictures of him and her in a photo booth on his dash of his truck. I didn't have much to say because ALL of this hurts. . . . ALL of it.

I don't know what he wants or if he wants all of it. All of this is so complex. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him I was wrong, tell him that I royally screwed up and that both of us need to change. I want to tell him why I love him and what it is about him that attracts me to him so much. I want to tell him the real reason why I left and the reason why I came back. I want to tell him how important OUR family is to me and should be to him. Things are rough but can always be worked out if you try hard enough. I am just so worry that I have come too late and that what I say doesn't make an ounce of difference. I can't say or do any of these things with another woman constantly there, texting, calling waiting for me to leave so that she can come over. None of that is fair nor is it right. I want things too in my life but I am taking steps back because I am worried if I push too hard that I will loose him. I have told him that I won't leave. I have told him that in the future if we argue that none of this will come up again and in all honesty, why should it? If we deal with this now, it shouldn't have a need to come up. If we do get back together, this will make us stronger than ever before. I just don't know if he can see that right now with having another person at his side distracting him. I just want my family and me to be whole and happy again . . . that's all I want.