Loosing Everything

I have lost everything. It sounds depressing and Hubby keeps telling me that it is all my doing. I came home yesterday and it was a gorgeous day outside. I wanted to play with my son outside since it was so pretty. When I got there, Hubby was gone and no son in sight so I called. He told me that they "all" were on their way back from getting ice cream and he wished that I would have let him know ahead of time what my intentions were so that he could have made other arrangements. I sadly said okay and got off of the phone. I can't take this. This hurts. But once again this is all my fault. How is this my fault? I can't possibly bear the weight of this whole boulder all by myself so if someone tells me that I'm not strong, think of that.

Last night I watched from a distance while my son played with another child that I couldn't play with or get close to. I rode the 4 wheeler in the lower field, drank lots of beer and smoked for a good hour. Hubby and S played washers in the other field away from me. Alone. That's how I feel right now. I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, nobody to do things for, nobody to take care of which is good because I can barely take care of myself. I was so sad and depressed yesterday because all I wanted to do was be with my family and I couldn't. I haven't been gone that long and all I am doing is standing there with my arms stretched out and crying, begging and pleading, please come and take me.

I am staying at my In-Laws right now and my biggest dream would be to be in bed asleep and have Hubby sneak in and kneel down and kiss me and wake me up and tell me that the nightmare is all over. If that would happen I don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely ecstatic. I would be so elated! I know he is going through so much pain right now. He says he is so happy right now which is all I want for him but I don't honestly believe that he is all THAT happy. I think he is still in a lot of pain and doesn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it is the hardest thing to do for anyone. Facing your fears and pushing through them is something that is painful and hard for anyone.

He told me that the past 8 years of our relationship were a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. How in one month can you just fall out of love with someone? How can that be unless it was never there to begin with. THEN it would be a mistake and a lie. This is all so sad to me and hard to bear. I just wish this nightmare would be over. I'm tired of aching all over again and being in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I can't see through the tears. When will this end? Time is the cruelest of all creations.