New Letter to Mom

Hi Mom,

Now I'm mad at you. Since you left, I told everyone that it was for the best and that I was just grateful that I had what little time that I had with you. Now I am just fucking pissed.

You died on March 20th at 11:10am 2006. I got there 10 minutes late, alone, with strangers and no family except for you around and you were dead. I literally ran around an airport that I had never been to hysterical. Strangers were looking at me like I was a lunatic. I had no comfort so to speak. Hubby was back in St. Louis so the whole week while I was lost and confused, I drank my confusion away. I drank until I had no more liver and cried until I didn't care how many people looked at me funny. I wanted to come back home just to have the comfort of my family around me.

We never had a funeral for you. Nobody said any kind words for you for you leaving this earth. I put you in my backpack that was lent to me by one of your friends and I brought you home. I was picked up by my MIL at the airport and cried. I got home and saw Hubby and hugged him and tried to cry but was all cried out. . . .until now.

Now I am pissed, angry and in such a rage. Hubby took me out for your anniversary on the 20th to dinner and drinks. We didn't talk about your death and never really have. I don't know why and some of it may have had to do with all of the alcohol that we drank. It has just now hit me that I am so angry at God for taking you from me and for you leaving me. Why? Why did you leave me? Why? Hubby and I are having so many problems right now and I want to talk to him so badly about all of this, have him hold me, let me cry like I should have when I first found out that you died but I can't. So now not only have I lost you but I am loosing him too and it hurts me so much to know that I have no control over the future that I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up. I am so alone and so sad that I don't know what to do. I miss you so much and want to talk to you, hold you, be with you. I know you are so much happier where you are but why?

I was driving the other day and a song came on and it hit me so hard that I doubled over in half. I cried so hard and started screaming at you and punching the steering wheel. I have never felt so alone before in all my life and am so angry that you are gone. I just wish you would have taken better care of yourself so that you could see your grandchildren and see me. You asked Hubby to promise you to always take care of me and with all the problems that we are having right now, I don't know that he can. He says he will but the pain is so great and I have nobody to deal with it right now. I could talk to my MIL about this if I wanted to but I want to share this all with Hubby. He helped me find you, was there when I met you, knows how you made my life complete and when you died, my life was in turmoil. I didn't know that until now and now all I have is nothing and nobody to help me. I litterally wake up crying, go to bed crying, cry when I see my son, cry throughout the day, hear a song and cry. I feel like a big baby. I didn't know a human being could have that much hurt and tears in them.

I wish you were back and could hug your tiny body. My body has become yours and I am trying so hard to be healthy again and it is hard. If you are listening and can read this message, please help M understand that I need him now more than ever because I can't take much more of this.