Not the Hottest Weekend

My son did awesome on Friday at his graduation! He looked so cute up on stage and sang all of his songs and did everything like a big boy. It's so neat to see our little man growing up to be a big boy!

On the other hand, Issy got drunk on Saturday and so did Hubby. S was not there and at first everything went fine. We mowed the grass, put in air conditioners, got some sun and enjoyed each others company. It was comfortable and familiar. Until I don't know what happened and words were exchanged. . . .mostly mine. I said some things that I maybe I shouldn't have said. The things I said were vulgar, mean and nasty. When I get pissed, I get pissed. End of story on that one. I have tried for a long time to hold my temper to a low and it is hard.

Hubby had told me that I needed to change. He told me that I have no heart and that I needed to be happy. Well to put things into perspective:

I do have a heart, just because I left I still have a heart and have always had a heart. You could ask just about any person around about the things that I do for others and the shirt off my back that I would give to them and I think that's my definition of having a heart.
Being happy: I was happy for 8 years. "Why did you leave then?" Because I cannot deal with my mother's death and other people were trying to give me good advise at a really bad time where I should have made no judgement at all.

Someone once told me a long time ago that the most dangerous time to make a life altering decision is when your emotions are out of control. This happened to me and I can't speak for Hubby but I think it happened to him as well. He says his heart is in a certain place. It's sad to me because it just seems odd and strange especially with it only being a little over a week ago that he wanted me back and now nothing. There's nothing that I can do about that but I can do things with my son and spend time with him. Me not being happy has to do with all of this all of this crap that is around me and it will take time. Time to heal is a slow process. I know that I am an awesome person and I know that I am a strong person. I know that I'm a good mom and a great mate. That's the funny thing, throughout all of this, Hubby hasn't once said that I was not a good mate but that I left. That's it. . . oh and that I take things too literally. I have to work on that one, I know that but that comes with some of the anger issues.

On Saturday after we had our words and I cooled off a bit I got a call from Hubby. Seems our son had split open his head and we ended up at the emergency room for almost 4 hours. He had to be restrained, went hysterical, both his dad and I were just exhausted and upset and trying to be strong for him and for the both of us. And then there was the texting. . . not from me but from her which I knew she was concerned. At a time like this I just wanted to be left alone with my family no matter how much damage there was there and for the short period of time that I had to deal with it because I wasn't going to get it again as morbid as that sounds. There are some things that I don't want to share and am not willing to share. Hubby agrees that we are his parents and I know that his heart is elsewhere. His head I think is a cloudy fog of hurt right now that is being eased with alcohol and someone else to lean on. So be it. I can't be that person obviously because he can't accept me into his life in that way.

At our son's graduation, the texting was going too. That hurt as well because I wanted to focus on my son's performance and I was just getting aggravated. I wanted hubby to be watching and focused on it as well but he was running the camcorder and texting all at the same time. It's hard to be proud when you have all of that going on. The kids started singing a song about growing up and being proud of all of the things they had done and I got all teary eyed mostly because I didn't know if Hubby had actually heard the words or not. Sometimes I wonder if he hears the things that any of us say or what to do with those words once they get to his ears.