My Body

Okay. . . I've screwed up my body royally. Part of it had to do with working out and then that got out of control. I left, worked out some more, ate still, came back and now I look anorexic and sickly. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror and eating is one of the biggest chores that I have to face every day. Right now it's to the point where it scares me and has scared me since mother's day.

On mother's day I got up and went to the scale and cried. Most people cry because they gained a few pounds but I cried because my body is out of control right now and I weigh a measly 116 pounds. I look like a little girl. I don't look like an attractive, healthy, sexy woman which I should at this point. I should gain at least another 10 pounds for me to be healthy.

Most of this has to do with stress (my fault again) and no I'm not "doing this" to look better because I know I look like ass. I had someone a long time ago when my ulcers were acting up who told me that I was so skinny that it made her sick. I went off on her. I was going to the bathroom at the time about 20 times a day (not an exaggeration) because as soon as food would enter my body, my body would process it right away without taking in any of the nutrients. Today I started bleeding and now I'm scared because all of this is serious.

I ate last night when I got done talking to Hubby and ate yesterday afternoon a little bit if a package of donuts counts. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal, and am eating some soup and cereal now. It's slow going but I have to get into a routine of eating all the time so that I don't hurt myself anymore. I didn't mean for this to happen to my body but it did and I am praying that there is not something seriously wrong with me right now.

On a good note, I talked to Hubby last night for a couple of hours. It felt really good to sit with him, have our son interrupt every 15 minutes to give me smooches and just talk like we should have been doing all along. He has a lot of REAL issues to deal with right now and so do I. I told him I will wait for whatever it is that he needs or wants. That's our son that we made together. If I can help by taking or picking him up from or to daycare then I will do it. It will give me time to spend with my son. Granted, in my perfect world I would love to have all three of us doing that together but only time and God can determine that. . . . .there's that ugly thing again, time.

One thing that I noticed last night while talking to Hubby was what I really enjoy about him and I. I enjoy drinking with him and talking about finances with him and how they will be handled. I enjoy planning on what the week will hold and who needs what. All of that communication broke down at the end and I think both of us were just kind of like "okay who's doing what now" until it just got ridiculous. He said something very important to me last night. He told me that he is seeing his flaws and doing something to change them which I think is a very humbling thing to do. Most people can't admit that they have flaws let alone try to fix them. I know I have all kinds of flaws and that they need to be worked on but I can't do them all at once. I have to pick the worst ones out and tackle those first and pick them off one by one. By the time I am done, I should be in the ground and at peace with the world. My Hubby (and I will still call him that to the day I die) is a good man with a lot of baggage to either unload or throw away. All it's doing is holding him down and keeping him from being an even better man than he already is.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love him for what he is and what he isn't because he is a part of me, I am a part of him and our son is a part of us. God please help me start to gain some weight.