Choices

Right now I literally have nobody to talk to. If I do, I could jeopardize the one thing that is the most important thing in my life - my family. So instead, I'm going to write to myself; at least it looks better than walking around talking to myself!

I am in the middle of an absolute shit storm and I have to let go. I have to stand by and watch things fall apart. I have to let someone else take over and be my role and, take care of my child, and love my man and take care of our home that is not longer mine. The same as my man is no longer mine. I have to find a place in the world that I fit. I don't know where I fit right now or if I want to fit anywhere.

This is how I get my emotions out without getting into trouble and without saying the wrong things. This is how I can say what I need to and not be judged on what I do. This is something that I can if I choose let someone else read it so that they know where I am coming from. It saves a lot of time and it comes from the heart. To a passerby, this is boring bs. I don't care.

My mind is in an awful turmoil. I am sad all the time. I'm being told that Hubby thought I was strong but now I'm not. I have always been strong. I went through 3 rapes, 3 hospitals - one of which told me that I had an anger disorder, a reform school, a miscarriage, being broke countless of times, countless of seizures, living without a home, having people steal from me, having conditional parents. I don't know how I was strong through all of it but I was. I think it was all of the hate and the rage and the anger that got me through all of it. Hubby taught me that getting angry isn't the answer all the time. Right now it isn't easy to get angry and hurtful for the fear that I could do damage. Instead, I talked. . . .here we go again with a WRONG choice. I talked to someone that I shouldn't have and now he is more pissed than ever. Never wants tot talk to me, never wants to see me. Doesn't want me period.

Every thing I do I feel is wrong. I feel like I am wrong. What I do is wrong. What I say is wrong. All my actions are wrong. I used to be able to say screw the world and life would have to go on with or without whatever choice I made. Today I'm made the choice to stand back for a long time and see what happens. Be alone and see if I can completely understand how much damage I've done. . . Oh and I've done a lot of damage. I'll take responsibility for that and then some.

I'll leave on this note, I've not had much in my life as far as possessions are concerned with the exception of my children and my Hubby. None of them felt like possessions to me but parts of me that always made me happy.