Confusion

2 days ago I was awaiting a very important decision from Hubby. . . whether he wanted me or not. I pulled up at the house after being beyond stressed as to what his decision would be and he threw his arms around me and told me "welcome home". I cried and had a magnificent night. We talked and connected and we decided that I would move back in. I was so happy. My family was finally coming together. My man was back in my life, my little boy was ecstatic and I was content.

Yesterday I ran like a mad woman to get home. I had a tanning appointment and had to go to Walgreen's to pick up some stuff. I have put off working out this week to spend time with my family which it desperately needs. I got home and he tells me that he spend part of the day with the other girl that he just broke it off with and that he just wanted to be honest with me. It was hard to hear but okay. Then he asked how I would take it if he did end up going to FL. I told him that I would have to let him go if it would work with us. He also told me that within the first week and a half that they wanted to marry each other. That stuck in me like a hot sword that I couldn't remove. After 8 years, that was the last thing that I want to know especially considering that he couldn't connect that deeply with me to entertain the thought of marriage. Hurt isn't even the word to describe it right now.

In a nutshell, she's everything that I am not. She's funny, and lighthearted. She doesn't take anything too seriously. She's nice and pretty (that I am. . . I'm holding on to that trait by God!) She spends money on him hand over fist because she thinks he deserves it which he does but I can't do it. I spend my money on bills for the house. She's not bitter and has a good job. She thinks the world of him and thinks he walks on water. I don't think he walks on water but through my heart every single day. If I could, I would buy him all kinds of things to pimp him out. If I could, I would be happy go lucky and be nice to every person that I came across but the public isn't nice some of the time so now I have to learn the lesson of turn the other cheek. I have to take the things that come out of people's mouths and brush them off. I have to change dramatically for him to save our relationship.

This girl will wait. She has told him that. Why me? Why does she hate me so much to do this to both of us? He's confused, I'm confused. I came home last night and he told me all of this and I went right back into a state of depression. I am on trial again for the next month because he still doesn't know what he wants. Why take me back then? Who knows. Maybe because I'm comfortable and familiar. All I know is that I don't want to talk about her anymore. That's all he talks about. How can we get to us with talking about another person all the time? How can we get on with repairing our relationship when someone else is there waiting for a slip up? Some of the things that I was told last night were so hard to hear and all of them were about her and what she would do for him and how she wouldn't leave his side and how she would love him forever and how I left. That was always the premise. . . . I left. . . . I left. . . . I left. God I left and look at what happened. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know if I'm saying or doing the wrong or right things because obviously for the past 8 years I've been doing it all wrong. In one day I was so happy and within 24 hours, I'm depressed, confused and unsure as to where my place is. I used to be the princess of my castle and now I still feel like I'm a guest just waiting for the vacation to be over so that I can leave.