Emotions and Letting Go

My emotions have always gotten the best of me. Last night my son spent the night with Hubby while S stayed the night with her daughter at Hubby's house. It was so hard for me to not be a part of all of the fun of watching our son play and have fun. It was so hard not being a family.

I have to let a lot of this go if I have any hopes of anything working out. Everything has been said and everything has been done. All of the ugly words have been spoken and all of the hurtful things have been played out. I am tired, worn out, beat down and feel like ass. I can't eat, I can't sleep without taking something heavy, I can't shit right, I can't smile, I'm paranoid that I'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My life has no quality to it right now. I am trying bit by bit to figure out how to just take care of myself and it is hard.

I drove into work this morning and my tire sensor light came on. I checked the tires before I came in and one of them (the one that got hit) was stripped and screwed up. I am deathly afraid of talking to Hubby for fear that I will say something that will make him mad so I texted him to let him know what was going on. He has a busy day at work and instead of texting, he called me back to discuss. He told me to call where we had the work done and if I got stranded to call him. That comforted me greatly. I got a hold of the place that did the work, then called the place where we normally get the tires done and am having them get the work done and send the bill to the collision center. It made me feel like my old self again for a brief moment getting things taken care of as a team to get things done but how long will it last and oh God do I miss it.

Letting go of all of this is in hopes that I can reconcile what we once had if given the chance. Coming on too strong is a turn off and getting too close to the situation is just hurting me beyond belief. One day I am expecting him to wake up and tell me to just get away from him and that he never wants to see me again. I want to clean his house, take care of our child, lay next to his body, cook our meals, spend time outside as a family, pay bills together, shop together. . . .these are all things that I took for granted and want to move on past for saying I'm sorry is not enough. Any person in their right mind would know that saying sorry is not enough so what is enough? Walking away and letting the damage be what it is until it fizzles out or trying?

Trust is a big issue with Hubby right now and rightfully so. He doesn't trust me and thinks that if he takes me back that I will leave again. I have told him over and over again that I will not. Words are just that . . . words. I don't know what I can do to show him that I love him and our little family and our routine that is now in an uproarious turmoil. Nothing is right. Our son is on a schedule that somewhat works sometimes but doesn't understand why I am not home. When I do come down to the house all I can do is clean and straighten up and do laundry because it makes me feel better and takes some of the hurt away. I gave Hubby a lot of chances within the past 8 years with various things to many to count and know that back in my mind that they could always come back to haunt him and hurt me. I just wish he would do the same for me. I know I hurt him but all I want is a chance to have another fight and show him that I am not going anywhere.

If anything, I want to pack up all of our things and family and move down to our place and start all over again.