RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. . . . I have an awful temper. Everyone knows that. The one thing that I've held back is my anger, temper and rage up except for a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't sleep, I found out some things that I didn't want to know about and didn't know how to deal with. Hurt myself physically and then BOOM! I destroyed it. I have a burning rage so deep inside of me right now that it can't be put out. Just like hubby I'm sure.

I talked to another man about my problems instead of Hubby. Wrong and bad move on my part. Once again, making bad decisions seems to be something that I'm good at. . . not proud of but good at. The conversation was short and stupid. All that came out of it was that I deserved better and I should be treated better because I was bitching about Hubby. I never stick up for Hubby which if there is a show ball's chance in hell of us getting back together, THAT will definitely change. Point being is that Hubby is pissed at this guy now. This guy could be a girl, or a child or a dog and it wouldn't matter, he would still be pissed at them for me listening to them and then acting on it. It's hard for me to mend my ways when I am not given the chance but once again, I talked to someone last night that I shouldn't have and now I'm back at square one in his book.

I am so filled with hate and rage right now. No, I'm not the quite, passive type. I get pissed and it doesn't take much. So with all of this? This is all my fault. I caused all of this. I created all of this hell and demise and pain for everyone. The one that I hate the most is myself. I hate myself so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to eat. I can't stand to get dressed in the morning or go to work. Hubby told me last night that he can't stand to look at me because all it does is piss him off. Guess what, I'm right there with you. I can't stand myself right now. I hate myself, I hate what I did to him, I hate what I did to my family, I hate what I threw away, I hate, hate, hate, hate. The rage that I have pulsing through my veins right now is so fiery that's it's unbearable.

There are times that I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I wish a car would just hit me so hard that it completely dismembered me. I have children and the hope that Hubby wants to work things out with us. I also have the rage that he doesn't want to try. That is what is so maddening. Trying is so hard. He has asked me that if I were to come back would I leave because it has not only been thrown back at me once but twice by two different people for leaving two times. Yes, I have left twice. I was stupid twice. Ever heard of that song "Stupid Girl"? That's me. . . . .