Pins and Needles

Last night I took my son down to Hubby's house, got him a shower and we put him to bed. We sat up and talked while he ordered pizza for us and I paced back and forth in the carport. I had something very important to say to him.

I brought him out into the carport and pointed at him and told him that I wanted him to listen and that he couldn't say the word "but". I talked for 15 minutes straight. I told him that everything that we have been through that we have become and extension of the other. Leaving made me realize that. When I left, I left a piece of me with him and was lost. I told him that if we didn't work things out, that I would be a lost person because a piece of me would be with him and there is a part of him that is with me that I won't be able to understand because he would be gone. There are things about him that only I know and understand. I have shared ALL of me with him that nobody else has had the privilege of knowing. I will not allow another person to know that person and that it is a gift that I shared with him.

Leaving hurt both of us. Some people were happy that it happened but it wasn't us that was happy. I tried to be happy and find joy and think that I had made the right decision. All I kept doing was hurt myself and him. I have beat myself up everyday over this. I have tried to say the right words, make the right actions, be a better person, go through the motions of work and life and all of it has been agonizing.

This talk that we are having tonight between now and then is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. I have prayed over all of this for a while now asking God to give us strength to get through this. To make both of us better people for it and to make us stronger. I just hope that's how it ends up.