I am absolutely exhausted. I had one hell of a day yesterday at work as far as just getting stuff completed was concerned and was glad that I had a lot to do because it made the day go by quick. I ran home to take our son to the library last night for the first time and he had an absolute blast. . . granted, he only lasted for about 20 minutes but for being 5 and it being his first time, I think he did really well.
We got done at the library and came home and Hubby was having a good time at his house with some friends over, playing games drinking and all that. We used to do that together on the weekends and it was fun. . . yes I miss it but I can't do it now. I can't be around something that hurts until I can heal. Occupying my time last night helped me out, kept me busy and gave me time with our son. However. . . .
I GOT 3 HOURS OF FLIPPIN SLEEP
I had so many thoughts going through my head last night. I had work that I was winding down from and knew I had another 50% pile of stuff that I had to do today from yesterday but oh no that's not what was keeping me awake. I had my son snoring and coughing and stealing the covers and taking up the bed but no, that's not what was keeping me awake. It was when we had gotten home from the library and seeing our friends and knowing that our son needed to go to bed to stay on a decent routine and seeing Hubby and wondering if he misses me BECAUSE. . . . .
He told me last night that I looked like I needed a hug which I totally did and it felt so good to have him touch me and care enough to ask. He also said "What's up tits" when I came down the hill last night to pick up clothes for our son and it was a comment that he used to make to me that I haven't heard out of him in a long time; not to mention I liked it because that is who he is to me. He jokes about things like that and those are the things that I used to take literally. With all of this crap that's been going on, there's been no time for loving jokes that he and I used to have with each other (mostly because there's just been too tense feelings going on not to mention feelings for S going on which I'm sure he's beyond confused at this point) only time for hurting each other, trying to figure out where we stand with each other, if there's room for each other and where other people fit into our lives (I don't care for that part. . . like I said before in earlier blogs, I don't like to share but I guess I have to at this point).
I am just so tired. It's strange how when you don't get enough sleep or can't sleep how you tend to think more and for some reason it seems to mean more to you. I wonder if Hubby is getting enough sleep or if this is all behind him. . . .obviously I'm still dealing.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
You'll Find Better Love
I was driving to work this morning and the song You'll Find Better Love came on through my Ipod. Hubby had put it on there when I had asked if he would update and put some things on my Ipod. By the way. . . I do NOT care for country music and it isn't just a recent thing either. I never really cared for country so when I found out that Hubby had put this country crap on my Ipod I thought he was doing it just to annoy me.
I listened to the words because I was by myself and had no distractions and started to cry on the way in. I am not taking tranquilizers anymore because I don't want to be dependent on them and I need to deal with things that are real. Hearing these words on this song stirred so many things with me that it made me feel like Hubby was telling me something. I felt like he was telling me to find someone that could love me better than he ever could. . . .that made me cry because it's who's love you accept, not who's is better.
There may be someone out there true. . . .who care's. Let someone else find or deal with them. Right now I'm not ready or willing to share my heart. My heart is with someone else where it's been comfortable for the past 8 years. I left but my heart did not with Hubby. I am not going to look for another "love" right now or for a while just because I know it wouldn't be fair to myself or to that other person. Plus I haven't been alone in a long, long time and I think that being alone isn't such a bad thing. It will give me the time to regroup, find myself again and remember the person that God put on this earth.
Hubby and I always went down to our "special place" to remember why were together. We would have some of the best times of our lives down there. I remember so many times that he would make me laugh, I would make him laugh, we would do stupid stuff, watch the sunset together, I would cook for him, we would eat together and stop and various spots together. Every time we would go we would fall in love all over again with each other. When things got stressful, Hubby would plead like it ached "we really need to get to our place". Before I left he pleaded with me and I didn't listen. All of this is teaching me to listen more, react less and take it all in before decisions are made. Most of all I'm listening to the people that matter most to me in my life no matter how painful they may be to me.
In this song it also talked about not to forget. I can't forget and that's why I hold on to what is dear to me. Like my daughter that I may not visit as often as I should, she is my flesh and blood. I would do anything for her and kick her butt when she needs it. Same with our son which is going to be hard now with having to spend limited time but all of this has made me think and cherish what time I do have all three of them. My heart is now divided into 3 parts - one for each one of my kids and one for Hubby. That's a lot of people and there is no room for anyone else right now.
I listened to the words because I was by myself and had no distractions and started to cry on the way in. I am not taking tranquilizers anymore because I don't want to be dependent on them and I need to deal with things that are real. Hearing these words on this song stirred so many things with me that it made me feel like Hubby was telling me something. I felt like he was telling me to find someone that could love me better than he ever could. . . .that made me cry because it's who's love you accept, not who's is better.
There may be someone out there true. . . .who care's. Let someone else find or deal with them. Right now I'm not ready or willing to share my heart. My heart is with someone else where it's been comfortable for the past 8 years. I left but my heart did not with Hubby. I am not going to look for another "love" right now or for a while just because I know it wouldn't be fair to myself or to that other person. Plus I haven't been alone in a long, long time and I think that being alone isn't such a bad thing. It will give me the time to regroup, find myself again and remember the person that God put on this earth.
Hubby and I always went down to our "special place" to remember why were together. We would have some of the best times of our lives down there. I remember so many times that he would make me laugh, I would make him laugh, we would do stupid stuff, watch the sunset together, I would cook for him, we would eat together and stop and various spots together. Every time we would go we would fall in love all over again with each other. When things got stressful, Hubby would plead like it ached "we really need to get to our place". Before I left he pleaded with me and I didn't listen. All of this is teaching me to listen more, react less and take it all in before decisions are made. Most of all I'm listening to the people that matter most to me in my life no matter how painful they may be to me.
In this song it also talked about not to forget. I can't forget and that's why I hold on to what is dear to me. Like my daughter that I may not visit as often as I should, she is my flesh and blood. I would do anything for her and kick her butt when she needs it. Same with our son which is going to be hard now with having to spend limited time but all of this has made me think and cherish what time I do have all three of them. My heart is now divided into 3 parts - one for each one of my kids and one for Hubby. That's a lot of people and there is no room for anyone else right now.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Not the Hottest Weekend
My son did awesome on Friday at his graduation! He looked so cute up on stage and sang all of his songs and did everything like a big boy. It's so neat to see our little man growing up to be a big boy!
On the other hand, Issy got drunk on Saturday and so did Hubby. S was not there and at first everything went fine. We mowed the grass, put in air conditioners, got some sun and enjoyed each others company. It was comfortable and familiar. Until I don't know what happened and words were exchanged. . . .mostly mine. I said some things that I maybe I shouldn't have said. The things I said were vulgar, mean and nasty. When I get pissed, I get pissed. End of story on that one. I have tried for a long time to hold my temper to a low and it is hard.
Hubby had told me that I needed to change. He told me that I have no heart and that I needed to be happy. Well to put things into perspective:
I do have a heart, just because I left I still have a heart and have always had a heart. You could ask just about any person around about the things that I do for others and the shirt off my back that I would give to them and I think that's my definition of having a heart.
Being happy: I was happy for 8 years. "Why did you leave then?" Because I cannot deal with my mother's death and other people were trying to give me good advise at a really bad time where I should have made no judgement at all.
Someone once told me a long time ago that the most dangerous time to make a life altering decision is when your emotions are out of control. This happened to me and I can't speak for Hubby but I think it happened to him as well. He says his heart is in a certain place. It's sad to me because it just seems odd and strange especially with it only being a little over a week ago that he wanted me back and now nothing. There's nothing that I can do about that but I can do things with my son and spend time with him. Me not being happy has to do with all of this all of this crap that is around me and it will take time. Time to heal is a slow process. I know that I am an awesome person and I know that I am a strong person. I know that I'm a good mom and a great mate. That's the funny thing, throughout all of this, Hubby hasn't once said that I was not a good mate but that I left. That's it. . . oh and that I take things too literally. I have to work on that one, I know that but that comes with some of the anger issues.
On Saturday after we had our words and I cooled off a bit I got a call from Hubby. Seems our son had split open his head and we ended up at the emergency room for almost 4 hours. He had to be restrained, went hysterical, both his dad and I were just exhausted and upset and trying to be strong for him and for the both of us. And then there was the texting. . . not from me but from her which I knew she was concerned. At a time like this I just wanted to be left alone with my family no matter how much damage there was there and for the short period of time that I had to deal with it because I wasn't going to get it again as morbid as that sounds. There are some things that I don't want to share and am not willing to share. Hubby agrees that we are his parents and I know that his heart is elsewhere. His head I think is a cloudy fog of hurt right now that is being eased with alcohol and someone else to lean on. So be it. I can't be that person obviously because he can't accept me into his life in that way.
At our son's graduation, the texting was going too. That hurt as well because I wanted to focus on my son's performance and I was just getting aggravated. I wanted hubby to be watching and focused on it as well but he was running the camcorder and texting all at the same time. It's hard to be proud when you have all of that going on. The kids started singing a song about growing up and being proud of all of the things they had done and I got all teary eyed mostly because I didn't know if Hubby had actually heard the words or not. Sometimes I wonder if he hears the things that any of us say or what to do with those words once they get to his ears.
On the other hand, Issy got drunk on Saturday and so did Hubby. S was not there and at first everything went fine. We mowed the grass, put in air conditioners, got some sun and enjoyed each others company. It was comfortable and familiar. Until I don't know what happened and words were exchanged. . . .mostly mine. I said some things that I maybe I shouldn't have said. The things I said were vulgar, mean and nasty. When I get pissed, I get pissed. End of story on that one. I have tried for a long time to hold my temper to a low and it is hard.
Hubby had told me that I needed to change. He told me that I have no heart and that I needed to be happy. Well to put things into perspective:
I do have a heart, just because I left I still have a heart and have always had a heart. You could ask just about any person around about the things that I do for others and the shirt off my back that I would give to them and I think that's my definition of having a heart.
Being happy: I was happy for 8 years. "Why did you leave then?" Because I cannot deal with my mother's death and other people were trying to give me good advise at a really bad time where I should have made no judgement at all.
Someone once told me a long time ago that the most dangerous time to make a life altering decision is when your emotions are out of control. This happened to me and I can't speak for Hubby but I think it happened to him as well. He says his heart is in a certain place. It's sad to me because it just seems odd and strange especially with it only being a little over a week ago that he wanted me back and now nothing. There's nothing that I can do about that but I can do things with my son and spend time with him. Me not being happy has to do with all of this all of this crap that is around me and it will take time. Time to heal is a slow process. I know that I am an awesome person and I know that I am a strong person. I know that I'm a good mom and a great mate. That's the funny thing, throughout all of this, Hubby hasn't once said that I was not a good mate but that I left. That's it. . . oh and that I take things too literally. I have to work on that one, I know that but that comes with some of the anger issues.
On Saturday after we had our words and I cooled off a bit I got a call from Hubby. Seems our son had split open his head and we ended up at the emergency room for almost 4 hours. He had to be restrained, went hysterical, both his dad and I were just exhausted and upset and trying to be strong for him and for the both of us. And then there was the texting. . . not from me but from her which I knew she was concerned. At a time like this I just wanted to be left alone with my family no matter how much damage there was there and for the short period of time that I had to deal with it because I wasn't going to get it again as morbid as that sounds. There are some things that I don't want to share and am not willing to share. Hubby agrees that we are his parents and I know that his heart is elsewhere. His head I think is a cloudy fog of hurt right now that is being eased with alcohol and someone else to lean on. So be it. I can't be that person obviously because he can't accept me into his life in that way.
At our son's graduation, the texting was going too. That hurt as well because I wanted to focus on my son's performance and I was just getting aggravated. I wanted hubby to be watching and focused on it as well but he was running the camcorder and texting all at the same time. It's hard to be proud when you have all of that going on. The kids started singing a song about growing up and being proud of all of the things they had done and I got all teary eyed mostly because I didn't know if Hubby had actually heard the words or not. Sometimes I wonder if he hears the things that any of us say or what to do with those words once they get to his ears.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tonight and the Good Day
Today was a fairly good day for me. I ate quite a bit (at least for me now). I got 3 huge projects completed that I don't have to look at anymore at work.
Tonight is my son's graduation. I am really excited to see him in his little green cap and gown and tassel with Hubby there with the camcorder recording him either freaking out on the stage or acting like a little clown. He did not have a good day at daycare and don't know if it is because he was wound up because of the graduation but I hope that all goes well.
I am having to take this day with a grain of salt and a pinch of pepper. Is it all a dream? Did the night that I had last night for the few hours that I had to spend with Hubby and our talk actually mean anything? To me, yes. For every brief moment that I get to spend with him and my son it does mean something. Walking back up or driving back up the hill to the house is hard but last night I was content somewhat because I got to talk to him and spend some time with my son. For 2 hours I felt like a family again. That is the most pathetic thing to say but it's true. I hope I get more of these chances to have both of us get these feelings but I don't know how he feels, if it's a feeling he likes too or not or if he's just entertaining me for a brief period of time. But for now, I'll take what I am given.
Tonight after graduation I am supposed to come back and have a few drinks and hang out with Hubby, put our son to rest and get ready for soccer tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too. I just pray that it will be. If not, it can't get much worse than the past month and a half of hell that I've, he and our son has been living through. Change is an ugly thing like time. It's necessary but most people don't like it. There either isn't enough of it or too much of it but either way nobody seems to like it. I know I don't.
If I could go back in time (ugly word) and change (2nd ugly word) what has happened I would because both of those things are what I want more desperately than anything in the world right now.
Tonight is my son's graduation. I am really excited to see him in his little green cap and gown and tassel with Hubby there with the camcorder recording him either freaking out on the stage or acting like a little clown. He did not have a good day at daycare and don't know if it is because he was wound up because of the graduation but I hope that all goes well.
I am having to take this day with a grain of salt and a pinch of pepper. Is it all a dream? Did the night that I had last night for the few hours that I had to spend with Hubby and our talk actually mean anything? To me, yes. For every brief moment that I get to spend with him and my son it does mean something. Walking back up or driving back up the hill to the house is hard but last night I was content somewhat because I got to talk to him and spend some time with my son. For 2 hours I felt like a family again. That is the most pathetic thing to say but it's true. I hope I get more of these chances to have both of us get these feelings but I don't know how he feels, if it's a feeling he likes too or not or if he's just entertaining me for a brief period of time. But for now, I'll take what I am given.
Tonight after graduation I am supposed to come back and have a few drinks and hang out with Hubby, put our son to rest and get ready for soccer tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too. I just pray that it will be. If not, it can't get much worse than the past month and a half of hell that I've, he and our son has been living through. Change is an ugly thing like time. It's necessary but most people don't like it. There either isn't enough of it or too much of it but either way nobody seems to like it. I know I don't.
If I could go back in time (ugly word) and change (2nd ugly word) what has happened I would because both of those things are what I want more desperately than anything in the world right now.
My Body
Okay. . . I've screwed up my body royally. Part of it had to do with working out and then that got out of control. I left, worked out some more, ate still, came back and now I look anorexic and sickly. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror and eating is one of the biggest chores that I have to face every day. Right now it's to the point where it scares me and has scared me since mother's day.
On mother's day I got up and went to the scale and cried. Most people cry because they gained a few pounds but I cried because my body is out of control right now and I weigh a measly 116 pounds. I look like a little girl. I don't look like an attractive, healthy, sexy woman which I should at this point. I should gain at least another 10 pounds for me to be healthy.
Most of this has to do with stress (my fault again) and no I'm not "doing this" to look better because I know I look like ass. I had someone a long time ago when my ulcers were acting up who told me that I was so skinny that it made her sick. I went off on her. I was going to the bathroom at the time about 20 times a day (not an exaggeration) because as soon as food would enter my body, my body would process it right away without taking in any of the nutrients. Today I started bleeding and now I'm scared because all of this is serious.
I ate last night when I got done talking to Hubby and ate yesterday afternoon a little bit if a package of donuts counts. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal, and am eating some soup and cereal now. It's slow going but I have to get into a routine of eating all the time so that I don't hurt myself anymore. I didn't mean for this to happen to my body but it did and I am praying that there is not something seriously wrong with me right now.
On a good note, I talked to Hubby last night for a couple of hours. It felt really good to sit with him, have our son interrupt every 15 minutes to give me smooches and just talk like we should have been doing all along. He has a lot of REAL issues to deal with right now and so do I. I told him I will wait for whatever it is that he needs or wants. That's our son that we made together. If I can help by taking or picking him up from or to daycare then I will do it. It will give me time to spend with my son. Granted, in my perfect world I would love to have all three of us doing that together but only time and God can determine that. . . . .there's that ugly thing again, time.
One thing that I noticed last night while talking to Hubby was what I really enjoy about him and I. I enjoy drinking with him and talking about finances with him and how they will be handled. I enjoy planning on what the week will hold and who needs what. All of that communication broke down at the end and I think both of us were just kind of like "okay who's doing what now" until it just got ridiculous. He said something very important to me last night. He told me that he is seeing his flaws and doing something to change them which I think is a very humbling thing to do. Most people can't admit that they have flaws let alone try to fix them. I know I have all kinds of flaws and that they need to be worked on but I can't do them all at once. I have to pick the worst ones out and tackle those first and pick them off one by one. By the time I am done, I should be in the ground and at peace with the world. My Hubby (and I will still call him that to the day I die) is a good man with a lot of baggage to either unload or throw away. All it's doing is holding him down and keeping him from being an even better man than he already is.
I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love him for what he is and what he isn't because he is a part of me, I am a part of him and our son is a part of us. God please help me start to gain some weight.
On mother's day I got up and went to the scale and cried. Most people cry because they gained a few pounds but I cried because my body is out of control right now and I weigh a measly 116 pounds. I look like a little girl. I don't look like an attractive, healthy, sexy woman which I should at this point. I should gain at least another 10 pounds for me to be healthy.
Most of this has to do with stress (my fault again) and no I'm not "doing this" to look better because I know I look like ass. I had someone a long time ago when my ulcers were acting up who told me that I was so skinny that it made her sick. I went off on her. I was going to the bathroom at the time about 20 times a day (not an exaggeration) because as soon as food would enter my body, my body would process it right away without taking in any of the nutrients. Today I started bleeding and now I'm scared because all of this is serious.
I ate last night when I got done talking to Hubby and ate yesterday afternoon a little bit if a package of donuts counts. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal, and am eating some soup and cereal now. It's slow going but I have to get into a routine of eating all the time so that I don't hurt myself anymore. I didn't mean for this to happen to my body but it did and I am praying that there is not something seriously wrong with me right now.
On a good note, I talked to Hubby last night for a couple of hours. It felt really good to sit with him, have our son interrupt every 15 minutes to give me smooches and just talk like we should have been doing all along. He has a lot of REAL issues to deal with right now and so do I. I told him I will wait for whatever it is that he needs or wants. That's our son that we made together. If I can help by taking or picking him up from or to daycare then I will do it. It will give me time to spend with my son. Granted, in my perfect world I would love to have all three of us doing that together but only time and God can determine that. . . . .there's that ugly thing again, time.
One thing that I noticed last night while talking to Hubby was what I really enjoy about him and I. I enjoy drinking with him and talking about finances with him and how they will be handled. I enjoy planning on what the week will hold and who needs what. All of that communication broke down at the end and I think both of us were just kind of like "okay who's doing what now" until it just got ridiculous. He said something very important to me last night. He told me that he is seeing his flaws and doing something to change them which I think is a very humbling thing to do. Most people can't admit that they have flaws let alone try to fix them. I know I have all kinds of flaws and that they need to be worked on but I can't do them all at once. I have to pick the worst ones out and tackle those first and pick them off one by one. By the time I am done, I should be in the ground and at peace with the world. My Hubby (and I will still call him that to the day I die) is a good man with a lot of baggage to either unload or throw away. All it's doing is holding him down and keeping him from being an even better man than he already is.
I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love him for what he is and what he isn't because he is a part of me, I am a part of him and our son is a part of us. God please help me start to gain some weight.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Loosing Everything
I have lost everything. It sounds depressing and Hubby keeps telling me that it is all my doing. I came home yesterday and it was a gorgeous day outside. I wanted to play with my son outside since it was so pretty. When I got there, Hubby was gone and no son in sight so I called. He told me that they "all" were on their way back from getting ice cream and he wished that I would have let him know ahead of time what my intentions were so that he could have made other arrangements. I sadly said okay and got off of the phone. I can't take this. This hurts. But once again this is all my fault. How is this my fault? I can't possibly bear the weight of this whole boulder all by myself so if someone tells me that I'm not strong, think of that.
Last night I watched from a distance while my son played with another child that I couldn't play with or get close to. I rode the 4 wheeler in the lower field, drank lots of beer and smoked for a good hour. Hubby and S played washers in the other field away from me. Alone. That's how I feel right now. I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, nobody to do things for, nobody to take care of which is good because I can barely take care of myself. I was so sad and depressed yesterday because all I wanted to do was be with my family and I couldn't. I haven't been gone that long and all I am doing is standing there with my arms stretched out and crying, begging and pleading, please come and take me.
I am staying at my In-Laws right now and my biggest dream would be to be in bed asleep and have Hubby sneak in and kneel down and kiss me and wake me up and tell me that the nightmare is all over. If that would happen I don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely ecstatic. I would be so elated! I know he is going through so much pain right now. He says he is so happy right now which is all I want for him but I don't honestly believe that he is all THAT happy. I think he is still in a lot of pain and doesn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it is the hardest thing to do for anyone. Facing your fears and pushing through them is something that is painful and hard for anyone.
He told me that the past 8 years of our relationship were a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. How in one month can you just fall out of love with someone? How can that be unless it was never there to begin with. THEN it would be a mistake and a lie. This is all so sad to me and hard to bear. I just wish this nightmare would be over. I'm tired of aching all over again and being in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I can't see through the tears. When will this end? Time is the cruelest of all creations.
Last night I watched from a distance while my son played with another child that I couldn't play with or get close to. I rode the 4 wheeler in the lower field, drank lots of beer and smoked for a good hour. Hubby and S played washers in the other field away from me. Alone. That's how I feel right now. I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, nobody to do things for, nobody to take care of which is good because I can barely take care of myself. I was so sad and depressed yesterday because all I wanted to do was be with my family and I couldn't. I haven't been gone that long and all I am doing is standing there with my arms stretched out and crying, begging and pleading, please come and take me.
I am staying at my In-Laws right now and my biggest dream would be to be in bed asleep and have Hubby sneak in and kneel down and kiss me and wake me up and tell me that the nightmare is all over. If that would happen I don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely ecstatic. I would be so elated! I know he is going through so much pain right now. He says he is so happy right now which is all I want for him but I don't honestly believe that he is all THAT happy. I think he is still in a lot of pain and doesn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it is the hardest thing to do for anyone. Facing your fears and pushing through them is something that is painful and hard for anyone.
He told me that the past 8 years of our relationship were a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. How in one month can you just fall out of love with someone? How can that be unless it was never there to begin with. THEN it would be a mistake and a lie. This is all so sad to me and hard to bear. I just wish this nightmare would be over. I'm tired of aching all over again and being in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I can't see through the tears. When will this end? Time is the cruelest of all creations.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Emotions and Letting Go
My emotions have always gotten the best of me. Last night my son spent the night with Hubby while S stayed the night with her daughter at Hubby's house. It was so hard for me to not be a part of all of the fun of watching our son play and have fun. It was so hard not being a family.
I have to let a lot of this go if I have any hopes of anything working out. Everything has been said and everything has been done. All of the ugly words have been spoken and all of the hurtful things have been played out. I am tired, worn out, beat down and feel like ass. I can't eat, I can't sleep without taking something heavy, I can't shit right, I can't smile, I'm paranoid that I'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My life has no quality to it right now. I am trying bit by bit to figure out how to just take care of myself and it is hard.
I drove into work this morning and my tire sensor light came on. I checked the tires before I came in and one of them (the one that got hit) was stripped and screwed up. I am deathly afraid of talking to Hubby for fear that I will say something that will make him mad so I texted him to let him know what was going on. He has a busy day at work and instead of texting, he called me back to discuss. He told me to call where we had the work done and if I got stranded to call him. That comforted me greatly. I got a hold of the place that did the work, then called the place where we normally get the tires done and am having them get the work done and send the bill to the collision center. It made me feel like my old self again for a brief moment getting things taken care of as a team to get things done but how long will it last and oh God do I miss it.
Letting go of all of this is in hopes that I can reconcile what we once had if given the chance. Coming on too strong is a turn off and getting too close to the situation is just hurting me beyond belief. One day I am expecting him to wake up and tell me to just get away from him and that he never wants to see me again. I want to clean his house, take care of our child, lay next to his body, cook our meals, spend time outside as a family, pay bills together, shop together. . . .these are all things that I took for granted and want to move on past for saying I'm sorry is not enough. Any person in their right mind would know that saying sorry is not enough so what is enough? Walking away and letting the damage be what it is until it fizzles out or trying?
Trust is a big issue with Hubby right now and rightfully so. He doesn't trust me and thinks that if he takes me back that I will leave again. I have told him over and over again that I will not. Words are just that . . . words. I don't know what I can do to show him that I love him and our little family and our routine that is now in an uproarious turmoil. Nothing is right. Our son is on a schedule that somewhat works sometimes but doesn't understand why I am not home. When I do come down to the house all I can do is clean and straighten up and do laundry because it makes me feel better and takes some of the hurt away. I gave Hubby a lot of chances within the past 8 years with various things to many to count and know that back in my mind that they could always come back to haunt him and hurt me. I just wish he would do the same for me. I know I hurt him but all I want is a chance to have another fight and show him that I am not going anywhere.
If anything, I want to pack up all of our things and family and move down to our place and start all over again.
I have to let a lot of this go if I have any hopes of anything working out. Everything has been said and everything has been done. All of the ugly words have been spoken and all of the hurtful things have been played out. I am tired, worn out, beat down and feel like ass. I can't eat, I can't sleep without taking something heavy, I can't shit right, I can't smile, I'm paranoid that I'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My life has no quality to it right now. I am trying bit by bit to figure out how to just take care of myself and it is hard.
I drove into work this morning and my tire sensor light came on. I checked the tires before I came in and one of them (the one that got hit) was stripped and screwed up. I am deathly afraid of talking to Hubby for fear that I will say something that will make him mad so I texted him to let him know what was going on. He has a busy day at work and instead of texting, he called me back to discuss. He told me to call where we had the work done and if I got stranded to call him. That comforted me greatly. I got a hold of the place that did the work, then called the place where we normally get the tires done and am having them get the work done and send the bill to the collision center. It made me feel like my old self again for a brief moment getting things taken care of as a team to get things done but how long will it last and oh God do I miss it.
Letting go of all of this is in hopes that I can reconcile what we once had if given the chance. Coming on too strong is a turn off and getting too close to the situation is just hurting me beyond belief. One day I am expecting him to wake up and tell me to just get away from him and that he never wants to see me again. I want to clean his house, take care of our child, lay next to his body, cook our meals, spend time outside as a family, pay bills together, shop together. . . .these are all things that I took for granted and want to move on past for saying I'm sorry is not enough. Any person in their right mind would know that saying sorry is not enough so what is enough? Walking away and letting the damage be what it is until it fizzles out or trying?
Trust is a big issue with Hubby right now and rightfully so. He doesn't trust me and thinks that if he takes me back that I will leave again. I have told him over and over again that I will not. Words are just that . . . words. I don't know what I can do to show him that I love him and our little family and our routine that is now in an uproarious turmoil. Nothing is right. Our son is on a schedule that somewhat works sometimes but doesn't understand why I am not home. When I do come down to the house all I can do is clean and straighten up and do laundry because it makes me feel better and takes some of the hurt away. I gave Hubby a lot of chances within the past 8 years with various things to many to count and know that back in my mind that they could always come back to haunt him and hurt me. I just wish he would do the same for me. I know I hurt him but all I want is a chance to have another fight and show him that I am not going anywhere.
If anything, I want to pack up all of our things and family and move down to our place and start all over again.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. . . . I have an awful temper. Everyone knows that. The one thing that I've held back is my anger, temper and rage up except for a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't sleep, I found out some things that I didn't want to know about and didn't know how to deal with. Hurt myself physically and then BOOM! I destroyed it. I have a burning rage so deep inside of me right now that it can't be put out. Just like hubby I'm sure.
I talked to another man about my problems instead of Hubby. Wrong and bad move on my part. Once again, making bad decisions seems to be something that I'm good at. . . not proud of but good at. The conversation was short and stupid. All that came out of it was that I deserved better and I should be treated better because I was bitching about Hubby. I never stick up for Hubby which if there is a show ball's chance in hell of us getting back together, THAT will definitely change. Point being is that Hubby is pissed at this guy now. This guy could be a girl, or a child or a dog and it wouldn't matter, he would still be pissed at them for me listening to them and then acting on it. It's hard for me to mend my ways when I am not given the chance but once again, I talked to someone last night that I shouldn't have and now I'm back at square one in his book.
I am so filled with hate and rage right now. No, I'm not the quite, passive type. I get pissed and it doesn't take much. So with all of this? This is all my fault. I caused all of this. I created all of this hell and demise and pain for everyone. The one that I hate the most is myself. I hate myself so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to eat. I can't stand to get dressed in the morning or go to work. Hubby told me last night that he can't stand to look at me because all it does is piss him off. Guess what, I'm right there with you. I can't stand myself right now. I hate myself, I hate what I did to him, I hate what I did to my family, I hate what I threw away, I hate, hate, hate, hate. The rage that I have pulsing through my veins right now is so fiery that's it's unbearable.
There are times that I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I wish a car would just hit me so hard that it completely dismembered me. I have children and the hope that Hubby wants to work things out with us. I also have the rage that he doesn't want to try. That is what is so maddening. Trying is so hard. He has asked me that if I were to come back would I leave because it has not only been thrown back at me once but twice by two different people for leaving two times. Yes, I have left twice. I was stupid twice. Ever heard of that song "Stupid Girl"? That's me. . . . .
I talked to another man about my problems instead of Hubby. Wrong and bad move on my part. Once again, making bad decisions seems to be something that I'm good at. . . not proud of but good at. The conversation was short and stupid. All that came out of it was that I deserved better and I should be treated better because I was bitching about Hubby. I never stick up for Hubby which if there is a show ball's chance in hell of us getting back together, THAT will definitely change. Point being is that Hubby is pissed at this guy now. This guy could be a girl, or a child or a dog and it wouldn't matter, he would still be pissed at them for me listening to them and then acting on it. It's hard for me to mend my ways when I am not given the chance but once again, I talked to someone last night that I shouldn't have and now I'm back at square one in his book.
I am so filled with hate and rage right now. No, I'm not the quite, passive type. I get pissed and it doesn't take much. So with all of this? This is all my fault. I caused all of this. I created all of this hell and demise and pain for everyone. The one that I hate the most is myself. I hate myself so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to eat. I can't stand to get dressed in the morning or go to work. Hubby told me last night that he can't stand to look at me because all it does is piss him off. Guess what, I'm right there with you. I can't stand myself right now. I hate myself, I hate what I did to him, I hate what I did to my family, I hate what I threw away, I hate, hate, hate, hate. The rage that I have pulsing through my veins right now is so fiery that's it's unbearable.
There are times that I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I wish a car would just hit me so hard that it completely dismembered me. I have children and the hope that Hubby wants to work things out with us. I also have the rage that he doesn't want to try. That is what is so maddening. Trying is so hard. He has asked me that if I were to come back would I leave because it has not only been thrown back at me once but twice by two different people for leaving two times. Yes, I have left twice. I was stupid twice. Ever heard of that song "Stupid Girl"? That's me. . . . .
Choices
Right now I literally have nobody to talk to. If I do, I could jeopardize the one thing that is the most important thing in my life - my family. So instead, I'm going to write to myself; at least it looks better than walking around talking to myself!
I am in the middle of an absolute shit storm and I have to let go. I have to stand by and watch things fall apart. I have to let someone else take over and be my role and, take care of my child, and love my man and take care of our home that is not longer mine. The same as my man is no longer mine. I have to find a place in the world that I fit. I don't know where I fit right now or if I want to fit anywhere.
This is how I get my emotions out without getting into trouble and without saying the wrong things. This is how I can say what I need to and not be judged on what I do. This is something that I can if I choose let someone else read it so that they know where I am coming from. It saves a lot of time and it comes from the heart. To a passerby, this is boring bs. I don't care.
My mind is in an awful turmoil. I am sad all the time. I'm being told that Hubby thought I was strong but now I'm not. I have always been strong. I went through 3 rapes, 3 hospitals - one of which told me that I had an anger disorder, a reform school, a miscarriage, being broke countless of times, countless of seizures, living without a home, having people steal from me, having conditional parents. I don't know how I was strong through all of it but I was. I think it was all of the hate and the rage and the anger that got me through all of it. Hubby taught me that getting angry isn't the answer all the time. Right now it isn't easy to get angry and hurtful for the fear that I could do damage. Instead, I talked. . . .here we go again with a WRONG choice. I talked to someone that I shouldn't have and now he is more pissed than ever. Never wants tot talk to me, never wants to see me. Doesn't want me period.
Every thing I do I feel is wrong. I feel like I am wrong. What I do is wrong. What I say is wrong. All my actions are wrong. I used to be able to say screw the world and life would have to go on with or without whatever choice I made. Today I'm made the choice to stand back for a long time and see what happens. Be alone and see if I can completely understand how much damage I've done. . . Oh and I've done a lot of damage. I'll take responsibility for that and then some.
I'll leave on this note, I've not had much in my life as far as possessions are concerned with the exception of my children and my Hubby. None of them felt like possessions to me but parts of me that always made me happy.
I am in the middle of an absolute shit storm and I have to let go. I have to stand by and watch things fall apart. I have to let someone else take over and be my role and, take care of my child, and love my man and take care of our home that is not longer mine. The same as my man is no longer mine. I have to find a place in the world that I fit. I don't know where I fit right now or if I want to fit anywhere.
This is how I get my emotions out without getting into trouble and without saying the wrong things. This is how I can say what I need to and not be judged on what I do. This is something that I can if I choose let someone else read it so that they know where I am coming from. It saves a lot of time and it comes from the heart. To a passerby, this is boring bs. I don't care.
My mind is in an awful turmoil. I am sad all the time. I'm being told that Hubby thought I was strong but now I'm not. I have always been strong. I went through 3 rapes, 3 hospitals - one of which told me that I had an anger disorder, a reform school, a miscarriage, being broke countless of times, countless of seizures, living without a home, having people steal from me, having conditional parents. I don't know how I was strong through all of it but I was. I think it was all of the hate and the rage and the anger that got me through all of it. Hubby taught me that getting angry isn't the answer all the time. Right now it isn't easy to get angry and hurtful for the fear that I could do damage. Instead, I talked. . . .here we go again with a WRONG choice. I talked to someone that I shouldn't have and now he is more pissed than ever. Never wants tot talk to me, never wants to see me. Doesn't want me period.
Every thing I do I feel is wrong. I feel like I am wrong. What I do is wrong. What I say is wrong. All my actions are wrong. I used to be able to say screw the world and life would have to go on with or without whatever choice I made. Today I'm made the choice to stand back for a long time and see what happens. Be alone and see if I can completely understand how much damage I've done. . . Oh and I've done a lot of damage. I'll take responsibility for that and then some.
I'll leave on this note, I've not had much in my life as far as possessions are concerned with the exception of my children and my Hubby. None of them felt like possessions to me but parts of me that always made me happy.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Back to Square One, Not about me and Mother's Day
Hubby is having an awful time. He doesn't know what he wants and is getting pulled in two directions. He loves me but is in love with someone else. He asked me to move back in and I did for a day or two. Today I called the other girl. I did this to see what she's like. I don't like hearing about her, I don't like talking about her. Why? I don't know. Probably because she's the other woman. However, it's not fair. It's not fair for me to judge someone that I don't know which is on my list of things to change.
I called her today and asked her if she could call me back at noon. I'm not sure what I will say but I know it will be nice. I will probably tell her that she doesn't know me and that I don't know her but I would like to try to know her. I will also tell her that Hubby is confused and that it has to do with both of us. What can be done? No one knows except for Hubby. He had told me that this was not my fault and to keep my chin up and have a good day. It's hard. I'll have to go back home, pack my things up again and go up to my MIL's house so that he can have time to think and regroup. I have known him for 8 years, in and out. I usually can look him in the eye and know what's going on with him. I can do that now and all I see is darkness. He woke up this morning and all I saw was anger and sadness. I couldn't understand. I'm a woman and shouldn't want to fix things but this I want so desperately to fix. He is in a lot of pain and I think that some of it has to do with him asking me to come home and not seeing her. I think he misses her.
So here I am again, trudging back up the hill to the house tonight. . . alone, confused, depressed and waiting for some sort of absolution and peace for both of us and for her too. I don't know how she feels but I'm sure it's not comfortable right now. My mother's day is going to be an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure how it will play out.
I called her today and asked her if she could call me back at noon. I'm not sure what I will say but I know it will be nice. I will probably tell her that she doesn't know me and that I don't know her but I would like to try to know her. I will also tell her that Hubby is confused and that it has to do with both of us. What can be done? No one knows except for Hubby. He had told me that this was not my fault and to keep my chin up and have a good day. It's hard. I'll have to go back home, pack my things up again and go up to my MIL's house so that he can have time to think and regroup. I have known him for 8 years, in and out. I usually can look him in the eye and know what's going on with him. I can do that now and all I see is darkness. He woke up this morning and all I saw was anger and sadness. I couldn't understand. I'm a woman and shouldn't want to fix things but this I want so desperately to fix. He is in a lot of pain and I think that some of it has to do with him asking me to come home and not seeing her. I think he misses her.
So here I am again, trudging back up the hill to the house tonight. . . alone, confused, depressed and waiting for some sort of absolution and peace for both of us and for her too. I don't know how she feels but I'm sure it's not comfortable right now. My mother's day is going to be an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure how it will play out.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Happiness and the List
I have been unhappy for a while now and all of it is of my own making. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. I am making a list of all of the good things about me that I know of to help:
Now for the bad things which will help me put things into perspective:
Let's see. . . . that's 19 good things and 13 things that I dislike about myself. Maybe I"m pretty balanced but after looking at this list, I know there are some things that I can sit and sulk about or things that I can try to work on to be a better person. I think I'm taking choice number 2. I'm tired of being unhappy. I am ready to make myself happy again. I hope that Hubby can see this list too and know how freeing it is to know what your faults and strengths are that you can work on.
- I am caring
- I am pretty
- I am smart
- I am witty
- I am diligent
- I am loving
- I am strong (still working on that)
- I am creative
- I am reliable
- I am loyal
- I am sexy
- I'm a good mom
- I am a good mate (hopefully that will show itself again)
- I am a good cook
- I'm a good lover
- I'm a good daughter
- I stand up for myself and others
- I'm good with numbers
- I'm good with words
Now for the bad things which will help me put things into perspective:
- I have a bad temper
- I cuss too much
- I am too quick to judge others
- I listen to others when I should follow my heart
- I'm not the best house keeper
- I'm not the best with car maintenance
- I'm no good with money (but I'm trying!)
- I turn my feelings off when I'm hurt
- I am impulsive
- I can be hateful
- I hold grudges
- I am vengeful
- I don't listen as carefully as I should
Let's see. . . . that's 19 good things and 13 things that I dislike about myself. Maybe I"m pretty balanced but after looking at this list, I know there are some things that I can sit and sulk about or things that I can try to work on to be a better person. I think I'm taking choice number 2. I'm tired of being unhappy. I am ready to make myself happy again. I hope that Hubby can see this list too and know how freeing it is to know what your faults and strengths are that you can work on.
Confusion
2 days ago I was awaiting a very important decision from Hubby. . . whether he wanted me or not. I pulled up at the house after being beyond stressed as to what his decision would be and he threw his arms around me and told me "welcome home". I cried and had a magnificent night. We talked and connected and we decided that I would move back in. I was so happy. My family was finally coming together. My man was back in my life, my little boy was ecstatic and I was content.
Yesterday I ran like a mad woman to get home. I had a tanning appointment and had to go to Walgreen's to pick up some stuff. I have put off working out this week to spend time with my family which it desperately needs. I got home and he tells me that he spend part of the day with the other girl that he just broke it off with and that he just wanted to be honest with me. It was hard to hear but okay. Then he asked how I would take it if he did end up going to FL. I told him that I would have to let him go if it would work with us. He also told me that within the first week and a half that they wanted to marry each other. That stuck in me like a hot sword that I couldn't remove. After 8 years, that was the last thing that I want to know especially considering that he couldn't connect that deeply with me to entertain the thought of marriage. Hurt isn't even the word to describe it right now.
In a nutshell, she's everything that I am not. She's funny, and lighthearted. She doesn't take anything too seriously. She's nice and pretty (that I am. . . I'm holding on to that trait by God!) She spends money on him hand over fist because she thinks he deserves it which he does but I can't do it. I spend my money on bills for the house. She's not bitter and has a good job. She thinks the world of him and thinks he walks on water. I don't think he walks on water but through my heart every single day. If I could, I would buy him all kinds of things to pimp him out. If I could, I would be happy go lucky and be nice to every person that I came across but the public isn't nice some of the time so now I have to learn the lesson of turn the other cheek. I have to take the things that come out of people's mouths and brush them off. I have to change dramatically for him to save our relationship.
This girl will wait. She has told him that. Why me? Why does she hate me so much to do this to both of us? He's confused, I'm confused. I came home last night and he told me all of this and I went right back into a state of depression. I am on trial again for the next month because he still doesn't know what he wants. Why take me back then? Who knows. Maybe because I'm comfortable and familiar. All I know is that I don't want to talk about her anymore. That's all he talks about. How can we get to us with talking about another person all the time? How can we get on with repairing our relationship when someone else is there waiting for a slip up? Some of the things that I was told last night were so hard to hear and all of them were about her and what she would do for him and how she wouldn't leave his side and how she would love him forever and how I left. That was always the premise. . . . I left. . . . I left. . . . I left. God I left and look at what happened. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know if I'm saying or doing the wrong or right things because obviously for the past 8 years I've been doing it all wrong. In one day I was so happy and within 24 hours, I'm depressed, confused and unsure as to where my place is. I used to be the princess of my castle and now I still feel like I'm a guest just waiting for the vacation to be over so that I can leave.
Yesterday I ran like a mad woman to get home. I had a tanning appointment and had to go to Walgreen's to pick up some stuff. I have put off working out this week to spend time with my family which it desperately needs. I got home and he tells me that he spend part of the day with the other girl that he just broke it off with and that he just wanted to be honest with me. It was hard to hear but okay. Then he asked how I would take it if he did end up going to FL. I told him that I would have to let him go if it would work with us. He also told me that within the first week and a half that they wanted to marry each other. That stuck in me like a hot sword that I couldn't remove. After 8 years, that was the last thing that I want to know especially considering that he couldn't connect that deeply with me to entertain the thought of marriage. Hurt isn't even the word to describe it right now.
In a nutshell, she's everything that I am not. She's funny, and lighthearted. She doesn't take anything too seriously. She's nice and pretty (that I am. . . I'm holding on to that trait by God!) She spends money on him hand over fist because she thinks he deserves it which he does but I can't do it. I spend my money on bills for the house. She's not bitter and has a good job. She thinks the world of him and thinks he walks on water. I don't think he walks on water but through my heart every single day. If I could, I would buy him all kinds of things to pimp him out. If I could, I would be happy go lucky and be nice to every person that I came across but the public isn't nice some of the time so now I have to learn the lesson of turn the other cheek. I have to take the things that come out of people's mouths and brush them off. I have to change dramatically for him to save our relationship.
This girl will wait. She has told him that. Why me? Why does she hate me so much to do this to both of us? He's confused, I'm confused. I came home last night and he told me all of this and I went right back into a state of depression. I am on trial again for the next month because he still doesn't know what he wants. Why take me back then? Who knows. Maybe because I'm comfortable and familiar. All I know is that I don't want to talk about her anymore. That's all he talks about. How can we get to us with talking about another person all the time? How can we get on with repairing our relationship when someone else is there waiting for a slip up? Some of the things that I was told last night were so hard to hear and all of them were about her and what she would do for him and how she wouldn't leave his side and how she would love him forever and how I left. That was always the premise. . . . I left. . . . I left. . . . I left. God I left and look at what happened. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know if I'm saying or doing the wrong or right things because obviously for the past 8 years I've been doing it all wrong. In one day I was so happy and within 24 hours, I'm depressed, confused and unsure as to where my place is. I used to be the princess of my castle and now I still feel like I'm a guest just waiting for the vacation to be over so that I can leave.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Pins and Needles
Last night I took my son down to Hubby's house, got him a shower and we put him to bed. We sat up and talked while he ordered pizza for us and I paced back and forth in the carport. I had something very important to say to him.
I brought him out into the carport and pointed at him and told him that I wanted him to listen and that he couldn't say the word "but". I talked for 15 minutes straight. I told him that everything that we have been through that we have become and extension of the other. Leaving made me realize that. When I left, I left a piece of me with him and was lost. I told him that if we didn't work things out, that I would be a lost person because a piece of me would be with him and there is a part of him that is with me that I won't be able to understand because he would be gone. There are things about him that only I know and understand. I have shared ALL of me with him that nobody else has had the privilege of knowing. I will not allow another person to know that person and that it is a gift that I shared with him.
Leaving hurt both of us. Some people were happy that it happened but it wasn't us that was happy. I tried to be happy and find joy and think that I had made the right decision. All I kept doing was hurt myself and him. I have beat myself up everyday over this. I have tried to say the right words, make the right actions, be a better person, go through the motions of work and life and all of it has been agonizing.
This talk that we are having tonight between now and then is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. I have prayed over all of this for a while now asking God to give us strength to get through this. To make both of us better people for it and to make us stronger. I just hope that's how it ends up.
I brought him out into the carport and pointed at him and told him that I wanted him to listen and that he couldn't say the word "but". I talked for 15 minutes straight. I told him that everything that we have been through that we have become and extension of the other. Leaving made me realize that. When I left, I left a piece of me with him and was lost. I told him that if we didn't work things out, that I would be a lost person because a piece of me would be with him and there is a part of him that is with me that I won't be able to understand because he would be gone. There are things about him that only I know and understand. I have shared ALL of me with him that nobody else has had the privilege of knowing. I will not allow another person to know that person and that it is a gift that I shared with him.
Leaving hurt both of us. Some people were happy that it happened but it wasn't us that was happy. I tried to be happy and find joy and think that I had made the right decision. All I kept doing was hurt myself and him. I have beat myself up everyday over this. I have tried to say the right words, make the right actions, be a better person, go through the motions of work and life and all of it has been agonizing.
This talk that we are having tonight between now and then is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. I have prayed over all of this for a while now asking God to give us strength to get through this. To make both of us better people for it and to make us stronger. I just hope that's how it ends up.
Friday, May 02, 2008
New Letter to Mom
Hi Mom,
Now I'm mad at you. Since you left, I told everyone that it was for the best and that I was just grateful that I had what little time that I had with you. Now I am just fucking pissed.
You died on March 20th at 11:10am 2006. I got there 10 minutes late, alone, with strangers and no family except for you around and you were dead. I literally ran around an airport that I had never been to hysterical. Strangers were looking at me like I was a lunatic. I had no comfort so to speak. Hubby was back in St. Louis so the whole week while I was lost and confused, I drank my confusion away. I drank until I had no more liver and cried until I didn't care how many people looked at me funny. I wanted to come back home just to have the comfort of my family around me.
We never had a funeral for you. Nobody said any kind words for you for you leaving this earth. I put you in my backpack that was lent to me by one of your friends and I brought you home. I was picked up by my MIL at the airport and cried. I got home and saw Hubby and hugged him and tried to cry but was all cried out. . . .until now.
Now I am pissed, angry and in such a rage. Hubby took me out for your anniversary on the 20th to dinner and drinks. We didn't talk about your death and never really have. I don't know why and some of it may have had to do with all of the alcohol that we drank. It has just now hit me that I am so angry at God for taking you from me and for you leaving me. Why? Why did you leave me? Why? Hubby and I are having so many problems right now and I want to talk to him so badly about all of this, have him hold me, let me cry like I should have when I first found out that you died but I can't. So now not only have I lost you but I am loosing him too and it hurts me so much to know that I have no control over the future that I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up. I am so alone and so sad that I don't know what to do. I miss you so much and want to talk to you, hold you, be with you. I know you are so much happier where you are but why?
I was driving the other day and a song came on and it hit me so hard that I doubled over in half. I cried so hard and started screaming at you and punching the steering wheel. I have never felt so alone before in all my life and am so angry that you are gone. I just wish you would have taken better care of yourself so that you could see your grandchildren and see me. You asked Hubby to promise you to always take care of me and with all the problems that we are having right now, I don't know that he can. He says he will but the pain is so great and I have nobody to deal with it right now. I could talk to my MIL about this if I wanted to but I want to share this all with Hubby. He helped me find you, was there when I met you, knows how you made my life complete and when you died, my life was in turmoil. I didn't know that until now and now all I have is nothing and nobody to help me. I litterally wake up crying, go to bed crying, cry when I see my son, cry throughout the day, hear a song and cry. I feel like a big baby. I didn't know a human being could have that much hurt and tears in them.
I wish you were back and could hug your tiny body. My body has become yours and I am trying so hard to be healthy again and it is hard. If you are listening and can read this message, please help M understand that I need him now more than ever because I can't take much more of this.
Now I'm mad at you. Since you left, I told everyone that it was for the best and that I was just grateful that I had what little time that I had with you. Now I am just fucking pissed.
You died on March 20th at 11:10am 2006. I got there 10 minutes late, alone, with strangers and no family except for you around and you were dead. I literally ran around an airport that I had never been to hysterical. Strangers were looking at me like I was a lunatic. I had no comfort so to speak. Hubby was back in St. Louis so the whole week while I was lost and confused, I drank my confusion away. I drank until I had no more liver and cried until I didn't care how many people looked at me funny. I wanted to come back home just to have the comfort of my family around me.
We never had a funeral for you. Nobody said any kind words for you for you leaving this earth. I put you in my backpack that was lent to me by one of your friends and I brought you home. I was picked up by my MIL at the airport and cried. I got home and saw Hubby and hugged him and tried to cry but was all cried out. . . .until now.
Now I am pissed, angry and in such a rage. Hubby took me out for your anniversary on the 20th to dinner and drinks. We didn't talk about your death and never really have. I don't know why and some of it may have had to do with all of the alcohol that we drank. It has just now hit me that I am so angry at God for taking you from me and for you leaving me. Why? Why did you leave me? Why? Hubby and I are having so many problems right now and I want to talk to him so badly about all of this, have him hold me, let me cry like I should have when I first found out that you died but I can't. So now not only have I lost you but I am loosing him too and it hurts me so much to know that I have no control over the future that I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up. I am so alone and so sad that I don't know what to do. I miss you so much and want to talk to you, hold you, be with you. I know you are so much happier where you are but why?
I was driving the other day and a song came on and it hit me so hard that I doubled over in half. I cried so hard and started screaming at you and punching the steering wheel. I have never felt so alone before in all my life and am so angry that you are gone. I just wish you would have taken better care of yourself so that you could see your grandchildren and see me. You asked Hubby to promise you to always take care of me and with all the problems that we are having right now, I don't know that he can. He says he will but the pain is so great and I have nobody to deal with it right now. I could talk to my MIL about this if I wanted to but I want to share this all with Hubby. He helped me find you, was there when I met you, knows how you made my life complete and when you died, my life was in turmoil. I didn't know that until now and now all I have is nothing and nobody to help me. I litterally wake up crying, go to bed crying, cry when I see my son, cry throughout the day, hear a song and cry. I feel like a big baby. I didn't know a human being could have that much hurt and tears in them.
I wish you were back and could hug your tiny body. My body has become yours and I am trying so hard to be healthy again and it is hard. If you are listening and can read this message, please help M understand that I need him now more than ever because I can't take much more of this.
Writing
Writing seems to be the only way that I can get out what I need to. I'm going through a really bad period right now. I feel like the things that are most important to me in my life are slipping away from me.
I am living currently with my MIL for now so that I can be close with my son and to try to work things out with Hubby. I'll get to that aspect as far as Hubby and I are concerned later. Everything I did for my boy was wrong. He didn't listen, didn't like what I cooked him, told me he didn't want his Daddy and wanted to go home. Apparently this has been going on since I moved out and has been happening with Hubby as well while he is in his care from what I've been told. I made him fish for dinner and corn. Didn't like the fish and ate the corn but the whole thing was a battle. The whole time this was going on, I flitted about the house doing laundry, cleaning up and getting things situated. By the way, I'm on tranquilizers to calm my nerves and be able to sleep which are just barely working. Hubby had a dinner date last night with the girl that he is seeing to meet her parents. That was hard but I took it with a grain of salt. You have to give a little to get a little back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together.
I drank some beer last night while I was working, smoked some cigarettes and tried my best to be a mom to my son. It just wasn't happening. My son is going through a lot of changes that aren't fair and I know that I'm the cause of it. Making it right isn't something that I know how to do but am willing to learn and try for his happiness. In my mind, his happiness would be to have things the way they were. Cleaning the house, playing ball outside, mowing the grass, having his dad sit on the sofa watching TV or playing a video game, me cooking a big dinner, having people come over and visit. Our home was not an unhappy home. It was a pleasant functioning home. It had its ups and downs but the downs were outweighed by the ups.
I crab a lot and bitch a lot about a lot of trivial things. I can open my mouth and complain about the stupidest things. According to whoever happens to be there at the time, will give an opinion and IF I choose to actually listen, can either go in one ear or out the other. One day I bitched about Hubby and somebody told me that I could do better and deserved better. Not only did I not defend Hubby at the time because I was mad at him but I listened. I LISTENED WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE. It was the gravest mistake I could make. My choice has cost me my family and my love.
Now for the wrench in the works. While I was gone, Hubby found another girl to lean on. I don't know her and to be honest with you, I don't want to know her. I ask a lot of questions just because I want to know where I stand because I don't think I stand anywhere. He told me this girl is just like me but that there are things about her that he likes and things that he doesn't. . .same with me. Through all of this, I've learned that the person that you choose for your mate is one that you will take for good and bad. I know this man from the inside and out as he does me. I am also not willing to start all over again and allow someone else to know me that way. That is one thing that I only shared with him and my kids. Anyway, this girl asked him to dinner last night to meet her parents, sisters and aunt and uncle. For clarification we will call the girl S. Last night I woke up at midnight and say Hubby's light was on and called to see if he was having a hard time sleeping. He said no that he was talking with S and trying figure out what he wanted meaning she or I which is what I'm assuming. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5a this morning and got ready for work. When I dropped our son off, he was very cold which I knew some of it had to do with him being tired. I also saw pictures of him and her in a photo booth on his dash of his truck. I didn't have much to say because ALL of this hurts. . . . ALL of it.
I don't know what he wants or if he wants all of it. All of this is so complex. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him I was wrong, tell him that I royally screwed up and that both of us need to change. I want to tell him why I love him and what it is about him that attracts me to him so much. I want to tell him the real reason why I left and the reason why I came back. I want to tell him how important OUR family is to me and should be to him. Things are rough but can always be worked out if you try hard enough. I am just so worry that I have come too late and that what I say doesn't make an ounce of difference. I can't say or do any of these things with another woman constantly there, texting, calling waiting for me to leave so that she can come over. None of that is fair nor is it right. I want things too in my life but I am taking steps back because I am worried if I push too hard that I will loose him. I have told him that I won't leave. I have told him that in the future if we argue that none of this will come up again and in all honesty, why should it? If we deal with this now, it shouldn't have a need to come up. If we do get back together, this will make us stronger than ever before. I just don't know if he can see that right now with having another person at his side distracting him. I just want my family and me to be whole and happy again . . . that's all I want.
I am living currently with my MIL for now so that I can be close with my son and to try to work things out with Hubby. I'll get to that aspect as far as Hubby and I are concerned later. Everything I did for my boy was wrong. He didn't listen, didn't like what I cooked him, told me he didn't want his Daddy and wanted to go home. Apparently this has been going on since I moved out and has been happening with Hubby as well while he is in his care from what I've been told. I made him fish for dinner and corn. Didn't like the fish and ate the corn but the whole thing was a battle. The whole time this was going on, I flitted about the house doing laundry, cleaning up and getting things situated. By the way, I'm on tranquilizers to calm my nerves and be able to sleep which are just barely working. Hubby had a dinner date last night with the girl that he is seeing to meet her parents. That was hard but I took it with a grain of salt. You have to give a little to get a little back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together.
I drank some beer last night while I was working, smoked some cigarettes and tried my best to be a mom to my son. It just wasn't happening. My son is going through a lot of changes that aren't fair and I know that I'm the cause of it. Making it right isn't something that I know how to do but am willing to learn and try for his happiness. In my mind, his happiness would be to have things the way they were. Cleaning the house, playing ball outside, mowing the grass, having his dad sit on the sofa watching TV or playing a video game, me cooking a big dinner, having people come over and visit. Our home was not an unhappy home. It was a pleasant functioning home. It had its ups and downs but the downs were outweighed by the ups.
I crab a lot and bitch a lot about a lot of trivial things. I can open my mouth and complain about the stupidest things. According to whoever happens to be there at the time, will give an opinion and IF I choose to actually listen, can either go in one ear or out the other. One day I bitched about Hubby and somebody told me that I could do better and deserved better. Not only did I not defend Hubby at the time because I was mad at him but I listened. I LISTENED WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE. It was the gravest mistake I could make. My choice has cost me my family and my love.
Now for the wrench in the works. While I was gone, Hubby found another girl to lean on. I don't know her and to be honest with you, I don't want to know her. I ask a lot of questions just because I want to know where I stand because I don't think I stand anywhere. He told me this girl is just like me but that there are things about her that he likes and things that he doesn't. . .same with me. Through all of this, I've learned that the person that you choose for your mate is one that you will take for good and bad. I know this man from the inside and out as he does me. I am also not willing to start all over again and allow someone else to know me that way. That is one thing that I only shared with him and my kids. Anyway, this girl asked him to dinner last night to meet her parents, sisters and aunt and uncle. For clarification we will call the girl S. Last night I woke up at midnight and say Hubby's light was on and called to see if he was having a hard time sleeping. He said no that he was talking with S and trying figure out what he wanted meaning she or I which is what I'm assuming. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5a this morning and got ready for work. When I dropped our son off, he was very cold which I knew some of it had to do with him being tired. I also saw pictures of him and her in a photo booth on his dash of his truck. I didn't have much to say because ALL of this hurts. . . . ALL of it.
I don't know what he wants or if he wants all of it. All of this is so complex. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him I was wrong, tell him that I royally screwed up and that both of us need to change. I want to tell him why I love him and what it is about him that attracts me to him so much. I want to tell him the real reason why I left and the reason why I came back. I want to tell him how important OUR family is to me and should be to him. Things are rough but can always be worked out if you try hard enough. I am just so worry that I have come too late and that what I say doesn't make an ounce of difference. I can't say or do any of these things with another woman constantly there, texting, calling waiting for me to leave so that she can come over. None of that is fair nor is it right. I want things too in my life but I am taking steps back because I am worried if I push too hard that I will loose him. I have told him that I won't leave. I have told him that in the future if we argue that none of this will come up again and in all honesty, why should it? If we deal with this now, it shouldn't have a need to come up. If we do get back together, this will make us stronger than ever before. I just don't know if he can see that right now with having another person at his side distracting him. I just want my family and me to be whole and happy again . . . that's all I want.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Missing the Boat
Some days I feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short. More recently I have felt that way. If only I had gotten there quicker or done it faster or thought of it first then maybe I would be on top.
The current situation that I am in I am fighting for my family and the love that will make me whole. Fighting? Yes. I am having to fight against something that is younger than I am and quicker than I am in getting to him. Allowing me the time to be able to prove and show and spend quality time together so that we can rekindle what we had is so hard right now. Every minute that I get to spend with him is so important to me. You don't realize what is gone until it's no longer there. I litterally feel like I'm in the middle of a romantic reality TV show and I'm one of those obnoxious girls that is going to get kicked of in the next episode.
I found out a few things. I found out that Hubby took this girl, our son and her daughter out to have ice cream one night. As silly as it sounds, it hurt me deeply because I wanted to go do that with him as a family and for 5 years we had the chance to do that and never did. I felt cheated and slighted. Also, 4th of July was a holiday that he and I would go and spend time remembering why we were together. We would go out of town for about a week and play, have fun and enjoy each other. Once again, someone else has beat me to the punch and he may be going to a different state all together. I found out yesterday that Hubby and the girl went to lunch. There have been plenty of times when our relationship has been on the rocks and I asked him to come up to lunch and he didn't. Why? All I wanted to do was spend time with him for a little while in our busy day.
This whole thing is like fishing and throwing a line and not catching a break to save my life. Yes, yes, yes, this is all my fault. Point taken. I want to plan a trip with my check that I will be getting from the government with him just the two of us to get away. I don't care when and I don't care where. . . although the sooner the better and I think I know where I want to go. I want to remember why we loved each other for 8 years. What else is there to do except be ther and lend a listening ear?
The current situation that I am in I am fighting for my family and the love that will make me whole. Fighting? Yes. I am having to fight against something that is younger than I am and quicker than I am in getting to him. Allowing me the time to be able to prove and show and spend quality time together so that we can rekindle what we had is so hard right now. Every minute that I get to spend with him is so important to me. You don't realize what is gone until it's no longer there. I litterally feel like I'm in the middle of a romantic reality TV show and I'm one of those obnoxious girls that is going to get kicked of in the next episode.
I found out a few things. I found out that Hubby took this girl, our son and her daughter out to have ice cream one night. As silly as it sounds, it hurt me deeply because I wanted to go do that with him as a family and for 5 years we had the chance to do that and never did. I felt cheated and slighted. Also, 4th of July was a holiday that he and I would go and spend time remembering why we were together. We would go out of town for about a week and play, have fun and enjoy each other. Once again, someone else has beat me to the punch and he may be going to a different state all together. I found out yesterday that Hubby and the girl went to lunch. There have been plenty of times when our relationship has been on the rocks and I asked him to come up to lunch and he didn't. Why? All I wanted to do was spend time with him for a little while in our busy day.
This whole thing is like fishing and throwing a line and not catching a break to save my life. Yes, yes, yes, this is all my fault. Point taken. I want to plan a trip with my check that I will be getting from the government with him just the two of us to get away. I don't care when and I don't care where. . . although the sooner the better and I think I know where I want to go. I want to remember why we loved each other for 8 years. What else is there to do except be ther and lend a listening ear?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Limbo
As some of you know I have moved out about a month ago. I thought it was for the best. . .me. As usual, it was for me and nobody else. I don't usually do anything for me but when I do, it's to the extreme. I thought I deserved better and thought that I could handle being on my own again. I know I can do it but I don't want to.
Hubby found someone else who apparently makes him happy but I don't think that deep down inside he is. I can look at him and know just by looking in his eyes that he is a broken soul and knowing that I did that just crushes me. Many of you are going "but Issy! Look at all of the things that Hubby did to you!!!" Yes, Hubby did many things to me and for me. I am going to put a boring list of those things that either you can choose to read or not:
This is a short list compared to reality. My reality is is more complex than above. I don't get to cook for my familyk, do laundry for my family, lay down with my family, take care of my man, love my man. . . I have to love him from a far. I was so angry with him and I don't know why. I can analyze it all day long and it won't matter. What is done is done and I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. No matter what I do is wrong and I am trying to find the answers to get things one by one back to where they can be to make every one happy and whole. That's the whole point. Nobody in this situation is whole. Everyone is broken in some way.
It was Hubby's birthday this past weekend. I bought him a watch from me, a figurine from his little boy and baked him a yummy cake. When he came up he already had a watch on that another girl had bought him and didn't want the cake. It hurt. It seems that no matter what I do to show him that I love him, it's wrong. I can't change the past but can rectify it. I love him for all of his good qualities and his bad, just the same as what I would want someone to do for me. We all have good and bad in us and when we find someone that is willing to accept us for both and not just the good then that is your sould mate. Someone that is willing to walk through those dark times with you when you feel most alone. When I left, I know I did a terrible thing. I am so ashamed of what I did and wish I had just stayed. I want to ask him so badly "what can I do to make it so?" It seems like all he sees in me are my bad qualities and none of the good. Time heals all wounds and I'm hoping that is the case for this one.
The good out of all of this is that I am spending more time with my son. I love him very much and hope he can be the big band aid that can patch things up with us.
Hubby found someone else who apparently makes him happy but I don't think that deep down inside he is. I can look at him and know just by looking in his eyes that he is a broken soul and knowing that I did that just crushes me. Many of you are going "but Issy! Look at all of the things that Hubby did to you!!!" Yes, Hubby did many things to me and for me. I am going to put a boring list of those things that either you can choose to read or not:
- Loves me
- Went through hell and back and are still going through it
- Dealt with a miscariage
- Dealt with a death of two brothers
- Dealt with the death of my mother
- Dealt with a disfunction family
- My best friend
- Someone that I can take care of
- Someone who I could trust to take care of me when it came to my seizures
- Someone who if asked would give me the world
- Gave me a son
- Gave me eight years of myself and his
- Taught me how to tolerate
- Taught me how to be patient
- Taught me how not to hate
- Taught me how to be open
- Showed me that I am beautiful
- Told me that I was a super mom
This is a short list compared to reality. My reality is is more complex than above. I don't get to cook for my familyk, do laundry for my family, lay down with my family, take care of my man, love my man. . . I have to love him from a far. I was so angry with him and I don't know why. I can analyze it all day long and it won't matter. What is done is done and I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. No matter what I do is wrong and I am trying to find the answers to get things one by one back to where they can be to make every one happy and whole. That's the whole point. Nobody in this situation is whole. Everyone is broken in some way.
It was Hubby's birthday this past weekend. I bought him a watch from me, a figurine from his little boy and baked him a yummy cake. When he came up he already had a watch on that another girl had bought him and didn't want the cake. It hurt. It seems that no matter what I do to show him that I love him, it's wrong. I can't change the past but can rectify it. I love him for all of his good qualities and his bad, just the same as what I would want someone to do for me. We all have good and bad in us and when we find someone that is willing to accept us for both and not just the good then that is your sould mate. Someone that is willing to walk through those dark times with you when you feel most alone. When I left, I know I did a terrible thing. I am so ashamed of what I did and wish I had just stayed. I want to ask him so badly "what can I do to make it so?" It seems like all he sees in me are my bad qualities and none of the good. Time heals all wounds and I'm hoping that is the case for this one.
The good out of all of this is that I am spending more time with my son. I love him very much and hope he can be the big band aid that can patch things up with us.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Update
I haven't written in almost 2 months! I'm awful!
I've gone through a lot of changes within the last two months. Some for the good, others not so much.
I moved out of my home 3 weeks ago and am staying with my good friend Barbarian and her hubby. So far everything is going very well with the arrangement. They have a very happy household and is even keel there. I have been looking online each day and calling places to rent. I haven't rented a place in 15 years so this is all somewhat new to me. . . especially the prices! And then there's the credit checks, yuck. I have 3 places that I'm looking at within the next week that I'm excited about so we'll see. Now all I need is furniture to fill up the blasted place and I'll be set. . . .
Then there's the severed ties from the past with my old hubby. That whole scenario is like a ship getting ready to capsize in the middle of a turbulent storm. Talking on the phone just to situate basic tasks is cumbersome. It may start out as somewhat civil and then blow up into this big, ugly shouting match usually coming from him. I've stayed pretty quiet through all of this. I don't have much to say. A lot of what has fueled the whole "break up" had to do with his mouth and how I was being treated and the role he was taking in not only our relationship but our son's. Some days I think I did the right thing and others I don't. I know my friends will smack me for saying that. I had one who asked me how I could question my choice but I did. I don't expect anyone to relate to what I did or am going through or to be able to understand all of the complex and confusing feelings that I have right now. I can't even identify half of the feelings that I am having right now. Unfortunately I have a really bad habit of turning things off when I don't like how I feel especially when it's lasting for a long period of time. Right now I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable. I'm going through the motions of a lot of things yet not making any major decisions.
I miss my son terribly. It's hard when someone is telling you that you are a piece of trash and that you don't amount to anything. I'll have to write later. . .right now there's just too much to say and it's just way to hard to say it all.
I've gone through a lot of changes within the last two months. Some for the good, others not so much.
I moved out of my home 3 weeks ago and am staying with my good friend Barbarian and her hubby. So far everything is going very well with the arrangement. They have a very happy household and is even keel there. I have been looking online each day and calling places to rent. I haven't rented a place in 15 years so this is all somewhat new to me. . . especially the prices! And then there's the credit checks, yuck. I have 3 places that I'm looking at within the next week that I'm excited about so we'll see. Now all I need is furniture to fill up the blasted place and I'll be set. . . .
Then there's the severed ties from the past with my old hubby. That whole scenario is like a ship getting ready to capsize in the middle of a turbulent storm. Talking on the phone just to situate basic tasks is cumbersome. It may start out as somewhat civil and then blow up into this big, ugly shouting match usually coming from him. I've stayed pretty quiet through all of this. I don't have much to say. A lot of what has fueled the whole "break up" had to do with his mouth and how I was being treated and the role he was taking in not only our relationship but our son's. Some days I think I did the right thing and others I don't. I know my friends will smack me for saying that. I had one who asked me how I could question my choice but I did. I don't expect anyone to relate to what I did or am going through or to be able to understand all of the complex and confusing feelings that I have right now. I can't even identify half of the feelings that I am having right now. Unfortunately I have a really bad habit of turning things off when I don't like how I feel especially when it's lasting for a long period of time. Right now I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable. I'm going through the motions of a lot of things yet not making any major decisions.
I miss my son terribly. It's hard when someone is telling you that you are a piece of trash and that you don't amount to anything. I'll have to write later. . .right now there's just too much to say and it's just way to hard to say it all.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Zumba!
I am taking my first Zumba class this evening. I am so excited! I keep watching a clip on You Tube of what it is and can't wait to take it! It's a combination of aerobics, salsa, cha-cha and hip hop dance. Being a dancer for over 10 years when I was a small girl, I've longed for taking up the hobby again.
I spent the majority of the day online researching what exactly it is and who the instructor is on the You Tube clip. Her name is Tanya Beardsley and she is a master Zumba instructor. I also investigated the clothes she's wearing. She and quite a few other participants are wearing something called UFO pants which are comfortable cargo pants that give you a lot of room to move around in. I called my 16 year old yesterday and asked her if she knew what they were. She knew them by another name an actually had a pair. I found a website that sells them but I'm not buyin for $64 a pop. I'll find a pair but first I want to see what this class is like tonight. . . with my luck I'll think it's supposed to be one thing and it'll end up being something completely different.
You should look this woman up. She is amazing! The way she is built, the way she moves, it's mezmerizing. I used to be able to move my body in just about any direction that I wanted to. People used to be in awe of the fact that I could grab my foot and put it straight up and over my head. Now that I'm a little closer to 40, my feet haven't seen the clouds in decades. However, I've been taking an aerobics class for a couple of months now and it's limbered me up quite a bit so that I can move more freely that I could before. My goal is to be as flexible as I was before, understand current dance moves and master them with my own style and to get back into shape. I'm not far away from being back into shape. I've been working hard on that and my efforts are paying off.
One of the biggest things that I loved about dancing is that you can make it your own if your comfortable in your own body. As I've gotten older, I've become uncomfortable in my body. I think that's the biggest problem that I have today. My good friend Barbarian has told me time and time again that I am too hard on myself. I think that I more or less just have a body that I can't move the way that I'd like it to nor am comfortable with. With exercise and trying out new venues of movement, I should be able to overcome that. I know that when I master something, I can make it my own and put my own style on it. . . I'll keep everyone up to date on how this class pans out. Wish me luck everyone!
I spent the majority of the day online researching what exactly it is and who the instructor is on the You Tube clip. Her name is Tanya Beardsley and she is a master Zumba instructor. I also investigated the clothes she's wearing. She and quite a few other participants are wearing something called UFO pants which are comfortable cargo pants that give you a lot of room to move around in. I called my 16 year old yesterday and asked her if she knew what they were. She knew them by another name an actually had a pair. I found a website that sells them but I'm not buyin for $64 a pop. I'll find a pair but first I want to see what this class is like tonight. . . with my luck I'll think it's supposed to be one thing and it'll end up being something completely different.
You should look this woman up. She is amazing! The way she is built, the way she moves, it's mezmerizing. I used to be able to move my body in just about any direction that I wanted to. People used to be in awe of the fact that I could grab my foot and put it straight up and over my head. Now that I'm a little closer to 40, my feet haven't seen the clouds in decades. However, I've been taking an aerobics class for a couple of months now and it's limbered me up quite a bit so that I can move more freely that I could before. My goal is to be as flexible as I was before, understand current dance moves and master them with my own style and to get back into shape. I'm not far away from being back into shape. I've been working hard on that and my efforts are paying off.
One of the biggest things that I loved about dancing is that you can make it your own if your comfortable in your own body. As I've gotten older, I've become uncomfortable in my body. I think that's the biggest problem that I have today. My good friend Barbarian has told me time and time again that I am too hard on myself. I think that I more or less just have a body that I can't move the way that I'd like it to nor am comfortable with. With exercise and trying out new venues of movement, I should be able to overcome that. I know that when I master something, I can make it my own and put my own style on it. . . I'll keep everyone up to date on how this class pans out. Wish me luck everyone!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Is it that hard to be nice?
I had a guy that came to the office today to serve a subpeana. Most of the time these guys (or girls) are pretty ignorant. As this is my place of employment, I don't care either way.
The delightful gentleman enters the building and asks my receptionist if he can drop it with our payroll department. Apparently our company needs to provide documentation in a deposition. She looks confused as I walk by and asks me what to do with this fine upstanding individual. I tell him that our payroll department is not located here but in another location that is about a half an hour away. I smiled and felt bad for him but he didn't know that where I work is not our corporate office.
"Well can't you just accept it and forward it on yourself?!?!?!"
My God!
I had completely forgotten how incredibly cold and hateful these people can be. I was so shocked at this man's reaction to me helping him that I was almost speachless and told him that I guessed I could do that. Afterwards I wished I had told him that I was so impressed by his imense capacity of professionalism that it moved me to the ends of the earth. That because of his actions and how he held himself, it made me want to go back to school. . . . .what a total dick.
Why the hell can't people just try to be nice for two bloody seconds???????????
The delightful gentleman enters the building and asks my receptionist if he can drop it with our payroll department. Apparently our company needs to provide documentation in a deposition. She looks confused as I walk by and asks me what to do with this fine upstanding individual. I tell him that our payroll department is not located here but in another location that is about a half an hour away. I smiled and felt bad for him but he didn't know that where I work is not our corporate office.
"Well can't you just accept it and forward it on yourself?!?!?!"
My God!
I had completely forgotten how incredibly cold and hateful these people can be. I was so shocked at this man's reaction to me helping him that I was almost speachless and told him that I guessed I could do that. Afterwards I wished I had told him that I was so impressed by his imense capacity of professionalism that it moved me to the ends of the earth. That because of his actions and how he held himself, it made me want to go back to school. . . . .what a total dick.
Why the hell can't people just try to be nice for two bloody seconds???????????
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