Update

I haven't written in almost 2 months! I'm awful!

I've gone through a lot of changes within the last two months. Some for the good, others not so much.

I moved out of my home 3 weeks ago and am staying with my good friend Barbarian and her hubby. So far everything is going very well with the arrangement. They have a very happy household and is even keel there. I have been looking online each day and calling places to rent. I haven't rented a place in 15 years so this is all somewhat new to me. . . especially the prices! And then there's the credit checks, yuck. I have 3 places that I'm looking at within the next week that I'm excited about so we'll see. Now all I need is furniture to fill up the blasted place and I'll be set. . . .

Then there's the severed ties from the past with my old hubby. That whole scenario is like a ship getting ready to capsize in the middle of a turbulent storm. Talking on the phone just to situate basic tasks is cumbersome. It may start out as somewhat civil and then blow up into this big, ugly shouting match usually coming from him. I've stayed pretty quiet through all of this. I don't have much to say. A lot of what has fueled the whole "break up" had to do with his mouth and how I was being treated and the role he was taking in not only our relationship but our son's. Some days I think I did the right thing and others I don't. I know my friends will smack me for saying that. I had one who asked me how I could question my choice but I did. I don't expect anyone to relate to what I did or am going through or to be able to understand all of the complex and confusing feelings that I have right now. I can't even identify half of the feelings that I am having right now. Unfortunately I have a really bad habit of turning things off when I don't like how I feel especially when it's lasting for a long period of time. Right now I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable. I'm going through the motions of a lot of things yet not making any major decisions.

I miss my son terribly. It's hard when someone is telling you that you are a piece of trash and that you don't amount to anything. I'll have to write later. . .right now there's just too much to say and it's just way to hard to say it all.