Hubby found someone else who apparently makes him happy but I don't think that deep down inside he is. I can look at him and know just by looking in his eyes that he is a broken soul and knowing that I did that just crushes me. Many of you are going "but Issy! Look at all of the things that Hubby did to you!!!" Yes, Hubby did many things to me and for me. I am going to put a boring list of those things that either you can choose to read or not:
- Loves me
- Went through hell and back and are still going through it
- Dealt with a miscariage
- Dealt with a death of two brothers
- Dealt with the death of my mother
- Dealt with a disfunction family
- My best friend
- Someone that I can take care of
- Someone who I could trust to take care of me when it came to my seizures
- Someone who if asked would give me the world
- Gave me a son
- Gave me eight years of myself and his
- Taught me how to tolerate
- Taught me how to be patient
- Taught me how not to hate
- Taught me how to be open
- Showed me that I am beautiful
- Told me that I was a super mom
This is a short list compared to reality. My reality is is more complex than above. I don't get to cook for my familyk, do laundry for my family, lay down with my family, take care of my man, love my man. . . I have to love him from a far. I was so angry with him and I don't know why. I can analyze it all day long and it won't matter. What is done is done and I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. No matter what I do is wrong and I am trying to find the answers to get things one by one back to where they can be to make every one happy and whole. That's the whole point. Nobody in this situation is whole. Everyone is broken in some way.
It was Hubby's birthday this past weekend. I bought him a watch from me, a figurine from his little boy and baked him a yummy cake. When he came up he already had a watch on that another girl had bought him and didn't want the cake. It hurt. It seems that no matter what I do to show him that I love him, it's wrong. I can't change the past but can rectify it. I love him for all of his good qualities and his bad, just the same as what I would want someone to do for me. We all have good and bad in us and when we find someone that is willing to accept us for both and not just the good then that is your sould mate. Someone that is willing to walk through those dark times with you when you feel most alone. When I left, I know I did a terrible thing. I am so ashamed of what I did and wish I had just stayed. I want to ask him so badly "what can I do to make it so?" It seems like all he sees in me are my bad qualities and none of the good. Time heals all wounds and I'm hoping that is the case for this one.
The good out of all of this is that I am spending more time with my son. I love him very much and hope he can be the big band aid that can patch things up with us.
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