Missing the Boat

Some days I feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short. More recently I have felt that way. If only I had gotten there quicker or done it faster or thought of it first then maybe I would be on top.

The current situation that I am in I am fighting for my family and the love that will make me whole. Fighting? Yes. I am having to fight against something that is younger than I am and quicker than I am in getting to him. Allowing me the time to be able to prove and show and spend quality time together so that we can rekindle what we had is so hard right now. Every minute that I get to spend with him is so important to me. You don't realize what is gone until it's no longer there. I litterally feel like I'm in the middle of a romantic reality TV show and I'm one of those obnoxious girls that is going to get kicked of in the next episode.

I found out a few things. I found out that Hubby took this girl, our son and her daughter out to have ice cream one night. As silly as it sounds, it hurt me deeply because I wanted to go do that with him as a family and for 5 years we had the chance to do that and never did. I felt cheated and slighted. Also, 4th of July was a holiday that he and I would go and spend time remembering why we were together. We would go out of town for about a week and play, have fun and enjoy each other. Once again, someone else has beat me to the punch and he may be going to a different state all together. I found out yesterday that Hubby and the girl went to lunch. There have been plenty of times when our relationship has been on the rocks and I asked him to come up to lunch and he didn't. Why? All I wanted to do was spend time with him for a little while in our busy day.

This whole thing is like fishing and throwing a line and not catching a break to save my life. Yes, yes, yes, this is all my fault. Point taken. I want to plan a trip with my check that I will be getting from the government with him just the two of us to get away. I don't care when and I don't care where. . . although the sooner the better and I think I know where I want to go. I want to remember why we loved each other for 8 years. What else is there to do except be ther and lend a listening ear?

Limbo

As some of you know I have moved out about a month ago. I thought it was for the best. . .me. As usual, it was for me and nobody else. I don't usually do anything for me but when I do, it's to the extreme. I thought I deserved better and thought that I could handle being on my own again. I know I can do it but I don't want to.

Hubby found someone else who apparently makes him happy but I don't think that deep down inside he is. I can look at him and know just by looking in his eyes that he is a broken soul and knowing that I did that just crushes me. Many of you are going "but Issy! Look at all of the things that Hubby did to you!!!" Yes, Hubby did many things to me and for me. I am going to put a boring list of those things that either you can choose to read or not:

• Loves me
• Went through hell and back and are still going through it
• Dealt with a miscariage
• Dealt with a death of two brothers
• Dealt with the death of my mother
• Dealt with a disfunction family
• My best friend
• Someone that I can take care of
• Someone who I could trust to take care of me when it came to my seizures
• Someone who if asked would give me the world
• Gave me a son
• Gave me eight years of myself and his
• Taught me how to tolerate
• Taught me how to be patient
• Taught me how not to hate
• Taught me how to be open
• Showed me that I am beautiful
• Told me that I was a super mom

This is a short list compared to reality. My reality is is more complex than above. I don't get to cook for my familyk, do laundry for my family, lay down with my family, take care of my man, love my man. . . I have to love him from a far. I was so angry with him and I don't know why. I can analyze it all day long and it won't matter. What is done is done and I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. No matter what I do is wrong and I am trying to find the answers to get things one by one back to where they can be to make every one happy and whole. That's the whole point. Nobody in this situation is whole. Everyone is broken in some way.

It was Hubby's birthday this past weekend. I bought him a watch from me, a figurine from his little boy and baked him a yummy cake. When he came up he already had a watch on that another girl had bought him and didn't want the cake. It hurt. It seems that no matter what I do to show him that I love him, it's wrong. I can't change the past but can rectify it. I love him for all of his good qualities and his bad, just the same as what I would want someone to do for me. We all have good and bad in us and when we find someone that is willing to accept us for both and not just the good then that is your sould mate. Someone that is willing to walk through those dark times with you when you feel most alone. When I left, I know I did a terrible thing. I am so ashamed of what I did and wish I had just stayed. I want to ask him so badly "what can I do to make it so?" It seems like all he sees in me are my bad qualities and none of the good. Time heals all wounds and I'm hoping that is the case for this one.

The good out of all of this is that I am spending more time with my son. I love him very much and hope he can be the big band aid that can patch things up with us.

Update

I haven't written in almost 2 months! I'm awful!

I've gone through a lot of changes within the last two months. Some for the good, others not so much.

I moved out of my home 3 weeks ago and am staying with my good friend Barbarian and her hubby. So far everything is going very well with the arrangement. They have a very happy household and is even keel there. I have been looking online each day and calling places to rent. I haven't rented a place in 15 years so this is all somewhat new to me. . . especially the prices! And then there's the credit checks, yuck. I have 3 places that I'm looking at within the next week that I'm excited about so we'll see. Now all I need is furniture to fill up the blasted place and I'll be set. . . .

Then there's the severed ties from the past with my old hubby. That whole scenario is like a ship getting ready to capsize in the middle of a turbulent storm. Talking on the phone just to situate basic tasks is cumbersome. It may start out as somewhat civil and then blow up into this big, ugly shouting match usually coming from him. I've stayed pretty quiet through all of this. I don't have much to say. A lot of what has fueled the whole "break up" had to do with his mouth and how I was being treated and the role he was taking in not only our relationship but our son's. Some days I think I did the right thing and others I don't. I know my friends will smack me for saying that. I had one who asked me how I could question my choice but I did. I don't expect anyone to relate to what I did or am going through or to be able to understand all of the complex and confusing feelings that I have right now. I can't even identify half of the feelings that I am having right now. Unfortunately I have a really bad habit of turning things off when I don't like how I feel especially when it's lasting for a long period of time. Right now I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable. I'm going through the motions of a lot of things yet not making any major decisions.

I miss my son terribly. It's hard when someone is telling you that you are a piece of trash and that you don't amount to anything. I'll have to write later. . .right now there's just too much to say and it's just way to hard to say it all.

Zumba!

I am taking my first Zumba class this evening. I am so excited! I keep watching a clip on You Tube of what it is and can't wait to take it! It's a combination of aerobics, salsa, cha-cha and hip hop dance. Being a dancer for over 10 years when I was a small girl, I've longed for taking up the hobby again.

I spent the majority of the day online researching what exactly it is and who the instructor is on the You Tube clip. Her name is Tanya Beardsley and she is a master Zumba instructor. I also investigated the clothes she's wearing. She and quite a few other participants are wearing something called UFO pants which are comfortable cargo pants that give you a lot of room to move around in. I called my 16 year old yesterday and asked her if she knew what they were. She knew them by another name an actually had a pair. I found a website that sells them but I'm not buyin for $64 a pop. I'll find a pair but first I want to see what this class is like tonight. . . with my luck I'll think it's supposed to be one thing and it'll end up being something completely different.

You should look this woman up. She is amazing! The way she is built, the way she moves, it's mezmerizing. I used to be able to move my body in just about any direction that I wanted to. People used to be in awe of the fact that I could grab my foot and put it straight up and over my head. Now that I'm a little closer to 40, my feet haven't seen the clouds in decades. However, I've been taking an aerobics class for a couple of months now and it's limbered me up quite a bit so that I can move more freely that I could before. My goal is to be as flexible as I was before, understand current dance moves and master them with my own style and to get back into shape. I'm not far away from being back into shape. I've been working hard on that and my efforts are paying off.

One of the biggest things that I loved about dancing is that you can make it your own if your comfortable in your own body. As I've gotten older, I've become uncomfortable in my body. I think that's the biggest problem that I have today. My good friend Barbarian has told me time and time again that I am too hard on myself. I think that I more or less just have a body that I can't move the way that I'd like it to nor am comfortable with. With exercise and trying out new venues of movement, I should be able to overcome that. I know that when I master something, I can make it my own and put my own style on it. . . I'll keep everyone up to date on how this class pans out. Wish me luck everyone!

Is it that hard to be nice?

I had a guy that came to the office today to serve a subpeana. Most of the time these guys (or girls) are pretty ignorant. As this is my place of employment, I don't care either way.

The delightful gentleman enters the building and asks my receptionist if he can drop it with our payroll department. Apparently our company needs to provide documentation in a deposition. She looks confused as I walk by and asks me what to do with this fine upstanding individual. I tell him that our payroll department is not located here but in another location that is about a half an hour away. I smiled and felt bad for him but he didn't know that where I work is not our corporate office.

"Well can't you just accept it and forward it on yourself?!?!?!"

My God!

I had completely forgotten how incredibly cold and hateful these people can be. I was so shocked at this man's reaction to me helping him that I was almost speachless and told him that I guessed I could do that. Afterwards I wished I had told him that I was so impressed by his imense capacity of professionalism that it moved me to the ends of the earth. That because of his actions and how he held himself, it made me want to go back to school. . . . .what a total dick.

Why the hell can't people just try to be nice for two bloody seconds???????????

On a serious note. . . .

I have epilepsy.

I don't talk about it much mostly because I'm embarassed by it. People have told me for years not to worry about it, that I can't help it, whatever. You try having something where you have no control over your body and see how you feel. Being knocked unconcious and knowing that people that you care about are standing around you trying to do the best that they can for you is a helpless feeling.

I had a seizure on Friday at work. It's the 3rd one that I've had since I've been employed here. At one point in time there was an admin who "said" that she had a seizure disorder and was out quite a bit because of it. . . . or so she said. It really pissed me off because I have a seizure disorder and I have no problem coming in.

Either way, I knew that something was not right on Friday morning. I shouldn't have come in to work. I should have stayed home but I didn't. Instead I came in and started working. I was busy puting in a supply order and that was the last thing that I remembered. Next thing I know, I had my head in one of my coworkers laps, the paramedics were there and M was on the phone trying to talk the paramedics out of taking me to the hospital. Apparently I had bit my tongue so bad that I had blood running out of my mouth when it was going on which if someone hasn't ever seen a person having a seizure, would be pretty freaked out. That's what I'm more worried about than anything else.

I spend the majority of my life with these people. I don't want them to be scared of me but I'm afraid that they are. I sent two emails to my boss and he still hasn't responded. He will be out of town for the next week so he will have a week for all of this to sink in. I just wish he would tell me that everything is okay. It's not knowing that's really bothering me. I know I can't be fired because of a physical ailment but when you work closely with someone it's hard not to think that something like this would affect them. I know that probably sounds stupid.

I came in to work today and talked with a bunch of my friends who took care of me and told me what happened. One person who wasn't here on Friday asked if I had done crack. Another coworker and I both looked at him and told him that wasn't funny. Some people don't know what to say when they have to deal with something that is uncomfortable and end up saying the absolute wrong thing. I've learned that throughout the course of my life with this.

M was the best with all of this. He came and got me on Friday with his dad and my son. My son didn't know what was going on. He just knew he was picking mommy up. M took me home and I slept all day and all night. Having a seizure takes a lot out of you. I don't know what is going on at the time but find out all of the little bumps, bruises and scrapes afterwards and those usually paint a colorful picture of what happened. The fact that I can't taste anything STILL is pissing me off. I bit my tongue so hard that I stuck it in a steaming hot cup of coffe and couldn't feel anything. I have no idea whether or not I have blisters on my tongue or not.

My biggest thing is this: If I had one thing I could change in my life, what would it be? It would definately be having epilepsy. If I could take a pill or wave a magic wand to get rid of it, I would. I hate having it. . . . .

Road Trip!

I am so excited! My best friend and I have finally scheduled a trip for May. We will be going to our favorite wine town, getting massages, hitting all of the local wineries and finishing with a nice dinner at one of the local wineries who has FABULOUS food!

The best part of all of this is that it is all coming together so smoothly. We both know what we want to do, have bounced ideas off of each other and can't wait for the next two months to go by. Both of us have been so busy with work, extra cirricular activities, family life and just life in general that we haven't had the time or the energy to connect. This is giving us the opportunity to appreciate our relationship, remember why we are friends in the first place and be grateful that we don't have to work out, hop in the car and race to our jobs, make sure we get to practice on time, hurry to another doctor's appointment and squeeze in what we will be eating for the day.

Our itinerary is as follows:

• Leave my house at around 8:30am
• Eat fruit, muffins, water and tea on the way down there
• Check in around 10am
• Have our massages done around 11am and be finished around 1pm
• Pour ourselves into the car and hit at least 7 of the wineries
• Come back to our room (oh did I mention that it's on the premises of the massage shop?) and get ready for a nice dinner
• Come back to our room again and drink some of the wine that we have purchased that day

We will be there during the spring so it should be absolutely GEORGOUS! I can't wait for the great weather, awesome company and fantastic time we will have! I can't wait!

Passive Agressive

I have ANOTHER coworker here at my office who is a freak. He exhibits mega doses of passive agressive behavior and it is an absolute hoot to watch.

The first time I was subjected to this was a few years ago when he was eating lunch (it is always when he is eating lunch for some reason). I paged him a few times because he was getting quite a few phone calls. I didn't know he was eating. Next thing I know I'm being told not to page him anymore as it seems as though he was getting frustrated with me and ripped the phone off the wall in our break room. Oooooops!

This man's wife calls 7 times a day. . . swear! One time she asked me to pull him out of a meeting he was in just so she could ask him if she could use their credit card because she was out shopping! My hubby would BEAT me if I called that much! I don't even like my hubby well enough to call him that much! I tell people all the time that I come to work to get away from my family. . .

About a year ago, this man asks me to order toner for his printer. I politely asked him to get with his supervisor and find out who orders supplies for his division as he and i don't work for the same group. He became extremely sarcasitc and snide with me. I took a deep breath, found what little professionalism I could find and basically told him that I don't make enough money to tolerate his mouth. Also that just because his wife uses him as a whipping post at home doesn't mean he can come to work and take out his ill feelings on me just because I'm the only female in the office. We didn't talk for almost a year. . . up until right around this point.

Today, I was heating up soup in the microwave for my lunch. One of my guys was in the breakroom watching a movie he had brought from home. Mr. Passive Agressive comes in and tells him he's done watching the movie, that he is tired of all of these hour and a half to two hour lunch breaks and tells him to take his movie out of the DVD player. My coworker tells him that it's almost over and Mr. Passive Agressive walks over to the DVD player, opens it up, takes out the disc and hands it to my guy and tells him "well then you can finish it at home". Apparently he emailed our boss and told him that he was tired of people spending hours in the breakroom watching movies.

I got back to my desk and low and behold there was a nasty email waiting for me, addressed to my whole team. My supervisor yelled at all of us in this email. . . . thanks a lot dick. . . now all of us got in trouble for you acting like a big ass baby!

Who Are you?

My 4 year old has been watching the movie Alice in Wonderland lately. There is a part of the movie where the reefer smoking caterpillar says to Alice in a ring of smoke "Whooooo Arrrrre Youuuuuu?" My son keeps repeating it over and over and over again.

It's made me think. The caterpillar is asking her for a reason. Most people don't know who they are nor do they have the time to care. I know I haven't . I've always thought I knew who I was. I also know that I've changed. I've changed into something that I know I like.

Years and years ago, I remember waking up one day and being really sad because I was angry all the time and had been my whole life. Everything made me mad. My work, my mom, strangers, friends, the food I ate, the choices I made, things that people said to me. . . . .the list is endless. I woke up that morning and remember it like yesterday. It was spring and in the morning. It was kind of warm outside but dewy. I asked myself in my head "Issy, how do you stop being a bitch?" Then my next biggest fear was not being able to stop and learn how to be nice. . . I didn't know how to do that. Every word that came out of my mouth was hurtful. Cutting people to the quick was my specialty and I was proud of it. But how do you turn a monster that you've created into something that you have no idea how to be?

It took YEARS. I still struggle every day. I told my boss last year to be grateful because I used to be a lot worse than I am now. He just looked at me with disbelief. Was I really that bad? Yes. I remember some of the hateful, hurtful God awful things that I would say to people just for shock value but mostly so that I could hurt them before they hurt me. If I could get people to feel so much pain that it intimidated them, then I felt comfortable. Knowing that I wasn't vulnerable to someone else's verbal abuse was something that I thought through before I even uttered one ugly word.

Today I try to think before I speak. It's becoming more and more of a gift to be able to tell someone something possitive and be rememberd for that instead of that hateful bitch who really had nothing productive to say except for tearing people down.

Who was I?:
A terrified, hurt girl who had a lot to offer but couldn't find it.

Who am I?:
A mature, seasoned woman who has spent a lot of time finding the good qualities burried deep inside and found the tools that were needed to get them out for everyone to see. I'm proud of the person that I've become and know that I have a lot to offer other people. Instead of hurting someone's life, I know that I have the ability to enhance it.

Last Night's Dream

I've been fighting the flu for the past 48 hours and think it's on it's way out. I'm at work today because my doctor told me that as long as I am not running a fever that I'm not contagious.

That being said, I have been taking Nyquil at night just so that I can sleep. This drug does weird things to my dreams and makes me dream goofy things that otherwise I don't think I'd have the capacity to remember.

Last night I dreamt that I had to deal with my review which in reality I've been waiting on for the past 3 months. . . obviously subconsiously it's on my mind. Someone who is not my supervisor was giving my review and put in the comments that because of personal issues he had to base his decision on un-biast reasons. I got my review back and because I'm the admin here, I had to process everyone else's as well so I was able to see everyone's review. On a scale of 10,000, everyone else got a 10,000. I received an 8,100.

Maybe it's because I'm sitting on pins and needles right now waiting for my review to happen in real life and that a salary increase is due. Maybe it's because I'm scraping every penny together and will breathe a sigh of relief when I do find out what my increase will be. More than anything, I don't like not knowing what my supervisor thinks of my past performance last year. I don't know if' I've done well or not. In the back of my brain, I KNOW that I have. After last night's dream, I'm worried.

Happy Friday! (and thank you Uncle Sam)

This Friday has been dull for me despite the major news that's going on right now. I even had one of my vendors call me from Tempe, AZ and asked "What's up with that guy that killed those 5 people?" Apparently this is now on a national level. Not to sound uncaring but the media has a really bad habit of dragging things out to the point where I feel like I'm missing out on current issues. For example, I had no idea that Romney had dropped out of the race. Yet in the Post, it was this little tiny blurb at the bottom of the front page.

I received a very nice surprise earlier this week. I filed our taxes on Sunday and by Wednesday my whole $18 from state had come in. Woo Hoo Uncle Sam! Who knew that the government could be so prompt and on top of things? This is one time that I commend and praise our government for getting me taken care of so quickly. Every time my FIL complains about how the government is purposely screwing him, I remind him of my 3 day return. Who could argue?

And what about the tax relief they are giving everyone who is a taxpayer? $600 per individual and $1,200 per married couple. Then I heard today that in addition to that they are giving children $300! I'm not sure where that came from or if I just wasn't listening intially at the time when they announced that but I was pleasantly pleased. Just whatever you do, don't tell my 16 year old that. . . she'll think it's time to go shop!

Bitching

I am really going out on a limb on this. . . .

There is a guy that I work with at the office and all he does is bitch about EVERYTHING. It causes me to look at my own shortcomings and ask "do I crab, complain and bitch as much as he does?" Only reason why I have these discussions with myself is because I know how annoying it is to listen to him every day and hope that nobody thinks that I am that bad. . . . should I leave this earth, I want people to know me for the possitive things I did and portrayed in life.

This man has been sent to anger management classes because of his outbursts. He will go on a tangent about nothing to himself and all of my warehouse workers will flee like little cockroaches when the lights go on. One late afternoon, a coworker and I were in our offices in dead silence working diligently on some task. Out of the stark silence comes this loud string of obscenities. . .from him. I got up and went to the warehouse door. He is all by himself mumbling curses under his breath and then getting increasingly louder. . . .what a freak!

It's bad enough to be a grown up and throw a temper tantrum but to throw one all the time is rediculous. I threw an anniversary party for him for his 20th of service with our company. He complained about that. . ."it's nice and all but. . . " We just found out that our refrigerator is being stocked with complimentary sodas and he crabbed about that. Today's comment was the last straw. Our company doesn't have to give us free drinks. We could easily pay for them like we are currently doing. Why does he have to be so ungrateful?

I told a coworker of mine that sending him to an anger management class was not productive. If I was his supervisor, I would ask that he write at least 5-10 things DAILY that were possitive in his life and make sure that "but" was not used anywhere in the submission. . .

The Perils of Mardi Gras

I went to Mardi Gras here in St. Louis on Saturday. The weather was really nice, kind of slushy but for the most part, it was great! In case some of you didn't know, I had some enhancement surgery done in August. I've been really excited about Mardi Gras this year and couldn't wait to take them for a "test drive".

The response was overwhelming. . . .I had a ton of beads when I left the festivities! I had more big ones than I have ever had before in year's past.

This year I went with a good friend of mine, her husband and a friend of theirs. My hubby had to stay at home to take care of the boy which is a whole other entry in and of itself so I'll save that one for a different day. We got down there at around 10:30am and had started drinking at about 9:30am. My friend made some sort of breakfast burritos for the ride down there and they were awesome! Also, this friend was the one that referred me to my plastic surgeon so I was excited to have here invite me.

We went to the parade, drank with some German guys and headed to my friend's apartment. There is always a crowd there and everyone is so nice. Barbarian was in the parade and we made arrangements to meet at our friend's apartment. We finally met up there after not seeing each other for a month or so and it was great!

As the afternoon went on, I became more and more intoxicated. I started stepping in puddles and getting soaked. People stepped in big slushy piles of grey snow and I just laughed it off. Soon I started noticing that the additional friend that they had invited kept whipping out his "pee-pee" which at Mardi Gras can warrant an arrest as well as a spot on the sex offender's list. It's not worth it. It got to the point where people were asking if he was going to whip it out "again". What the hell? This guy was getting no beads for showing his ding a ling so why keep it up? Especially when people are asking for a warning because they've seen enough already?

We finally ended up heading back to the car for the ride home. I was smart and sat in the back by myself thinking that I wouldn't have to worry about him. When we got to my girlfriend's sitters house, he pulled it out again! By this time, it's getting old and a wee bit creepy. My friend's husband would have blown a gasket had he seen all of this gross display of penis marketing!

We went back to her house where she went up to her bedroom and passed out. I asked her husband to take me home which he did.

The next day, I called her, told her I was stopping by the store for a coffee and asked if I could swing by which she said yes. She and I exchanged stories and she told me some really bizzare shit about this guy which made me wonder why he was asked to come in the first place. She told me that after her hubby took me home that the weird friend snuck up to her room and slipped into bed with her while she was passed out which she woke up from. She asked him what his fucking problem was and kicked him out. She then said that her hubby had just come home as he was walking down the stairs and ended up bypassing him so that he didn't find out.

Aside for the surreal freak of nature who went with us, Mardi Gras was awesome. . . again! I can't wait for Mardi Gras 2009!

Warning! Snow!

I live in St. Louis where the easiest job in the nation can be found. . . .a meteorologist. All a meteorologist in St. Louis needs is a rock:

• If rock is wet it's raining
• If rock is white it's snowing
• If rock is hot, temp is up
• If rock is swinging, it's windy
• If rock is gone there's a tornado

See, I could be a meteorologist!

We have a forecast of accumulated snow of about 5-7" starting today and going into tomorrow evening. What's that? Did I hear a rumor that possibly it's been upgraded to 12" now? The unfortante thing about living in St. Louis too has to do with the fact that there are a lot of people with idle time on their hands and room to come up with grandiose rumors. How can one be a weatherman in this town with THAT working against them along with unpredictable weather?

Oh. . . latestest update. . . .our winter "watch" has been cancelled and replaced with a winter "warning". If you don't hear from me within a week, you know that I got snowed in.

Upcoming Election

I'm mostly writing this because it's my 101st entry and even more so my friend Barbarian will comment.

As most of you know, I am not a registered voter therefore I do not feel as though I need to share my opinion with politics. If I did want to share my views, I would register. However, I have been inundated with politics lately. Hillary is in this city and now she has her daughter campaigning for her. . . not to mention her adulterous husband is "lending a hand" so to speak. Here's an interesting thought to ponder: What if Hillary is elected president and she gets caught in the Oval Office gettin the nibble? Will it be a public crisis for all to judge or will we just call it tit for tat since the ol hubby got to do it?

Then there's Obama. He's in the same varying states as Hillary but he's a horse of a different color so what will happen with that? The Ku Klux Klan has already made a public announcement about if he were to be elected so why would the public even consider someone with a death threat over their head? We'd pick that poor man and he'd be dead within the week. Would the Ku even have time to vote while they are plotting their assassination? Priorities people, priorities. You've got to take the Ku seriously. . . you know they mean business. . . they even tried to adopt a highway and we all know how that panned out.

Then there's poor Mr. Edwards. Where does he fit into everything? He's kind of like Where's Waldo. . . He's the third wheel. . .the little kid that got left out.

Don't get me started on all of the "little guys" like Romney and McClain (If I spelled it wrong don't be offended. . . I'm too lazy to look it up). Mit had some sort of controversy about his religion and where he stood at in society at one point of time and now poof! He looks like he'd be a great president so why not pick him? They did studies on who "looked" like the better president aesthetically speaking. . . .are you flipping kidding me? Are good looks going to get us out of a health care crisis? Are good looks going to stop the war from happening? Are good looks going to stop the recession that is going on in this country?

My basic point is this: I'm glad that I'm not a voter. How would I know what to vote on? If there is this much drama that the public has to weed through just to find out what these candidates are REALLY about, how can they possibly expect the public to make a fair, educated guess? I have a really bad feeling that this is George W. all over again. . . . good luck folks! At least I can say that I didn't contribute.

Progress not perfection. . .

I have busting my ASS with getting in shape for this coming summer. We have a boat that we go out on a number of times during the year and in the past I would wear my bikini, look in the mirror get depressed and then go grab a number of alcoholic items and begin the process of not caring. After you've had a lot to drink, you don't really care what you look like and I looked like the dairy department. . . . cottage cheese anyone?

I had my weight training class last night and it's tough! I have skipped it a couple of times because I can't walk the next day but I figure if I'm consistent with it, I'll be able to get out of bed sometime and be really fit all at the same time. If anything, all this exercise is making me sleep like a log at night and my alcohol consumption has be drastically cut back.

Last night I came home from my class and decided to try on my old bikini that I used to wear but knew it was a bit too small for me. I put it on last night and was absolutely shocked. There was nothing sticking out over the top of the bottoms in front and I could actually wear the bottoms a around my hips instead of hiking it up and tucking all the extra fat inside. I turned around and my butt actually looked toned. It's a playboy bunny bikini which is purple iridescent and it's a string so there's not too much to it. When I saw it, it looked great on the hanger and looked okay on me. Now it looks awesome! I ran out to the family room to show hubby. . . .

He told me that he has noticed a drastic change in my body and to keep up the good work! I am so proud of the work that I've done. I just never thought I'd be able to accomplish this! Just some stats:

• I've lost 10 pounds since Thanksgiving - down to 135 pounds
• I've lost 4 inches around my hips within the past year
• I've lost 6 inches around my waist within the past year
• I've lost 2 inches from my neck within the past year
• I can't wear my size 10 pants as I walk out of them which at one point in time, that was my goal size. . . now it's a size 6 which is what I wore like 10 years ago

I have literally changed my body and feel awesome about it! The biggest benefit is that other people can see it to so I know I'm not kidding myself. . .in the past the mirror has always lied or else told a very ugly truth in my eyes. Now I don't need a mirror! I have other people that notice my progress and encourage me to keep going! Thanks everyone for the great support!

Public Schools

My 4 year old goes to a specialized public school that is offered by my district that is free because it is funded by the taxpayers such as myself. He goes for speech and for his behavior both of which he has improved on greatly but still needs more work.

About 2 weeks ago, our son started acting out. One day it was "school" and the next it was daycare but we could never clearly see a pattern as to where it was coming from. Finally last Thursday, everything came to a head. He had a meltdown at school and then another one later on at daycare. When I say meltdown I mean growing horns and a tail and he is throwing his pitchfork directly at your face because that's where he posted the bull's eye. When asked what was wrong, he couldn't tell you if the sky was blue. Some of that has to do with his language and being able to create sentences out of ideas in his head.

He didn't go to school on Friday because they are closed on Friday and he was sick on Saturday and Sunday with a fever. On Monday we had a holiday so school was closed and yesterday the weather was bad so they closed it that day too. I also forgot to add that everyday for the past 2 weeks he's told me that he doesn't want to go to school. This morning was his first day back in 5 days. For a 4 year old, that would be plenty of time to forget whatever it was bothering him in the first place to make him not want to be there. Not the case today. He tried to tell me that school was closed today and that he couldn't go because it wasn't open. When he was at daycare and they tried to put him on the bus to get him to school, he threw an awful fit and threw his coat and book bag and started screaming. . . .

I'm sorry, children don't do that for no reason at all. There has GOT to be a reason why he is acting like this. I want to make one thing clear before I go further, I do not condone this behavior, nor do I make excuses for it. However, in order for me to be a good parent, I need to know WHY it's happening in order to help my child. My son does not have the skills to be able to explain why a leaf is green or why he had to go potty earlier. He just knows that he did it. His cognitive skills are in need of a lot of work.

I have been going back and forth with the "school" and they insist that he has ADHD and that he needs medicine. They claim that everything that is wrong with my son has to do with his attention issues or that they think we starve him or keep him up at all hours of the night or that the daycare that we chose for him is inadequate. Never mind the fact that they do not take responsibility for their role in his life even though he spends approximately 25% of his day with them throughout the week.

So I asked them the mind blowing question today of "Within the past month, has my son been successful within your program and if so, how. . . give me some examples". I was told that he is successful at recess and doing things that only he wants to do. Fucking mind boggling! Who knew he needed such comprehensive help with running around outside and being a kid?

People, this is what your tax dollars are going towards. I just got done paying personal property taxes and saw that I was paying over $400 alone to the school district annually. My taxes were just shy of $700 so you can easily do that math. My question is if I'm paying so much money for the school system, why am I not getting better care? I have a coworker that doesn't even have children and he has to pay the same amount that I do! That's a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. I'd be pissed as hell if I had no children AND I had to pay for a crappy public service that was the most expensive allocation on the breakdown. I would think that fire and sewer. . . things that ALL of us benefit from would be up there but no. The highest paid government facility which happens to be the shittiest out of all of them gets the most money.

I've talked extensively with hubby and equally as much with my daycare provider who has a degree in early childhood education. Both have a unanimous opinion that he needs to come out of this program. What bothers me more than anything is that there is something going on that someone is not being honest about and my son doesn't have the ability to tell me what that is. Either way, he is not going there any longer. . . .

Is it that hard to bathe??????????

Hubby has been off of work for a while now. He inundates himself with video games and reality. . . literally. So last night I ask him (because he smelled of the funk) when the last time it was that he thought it completely necessary to bathe. He tells me Tuesday of last week. . . . .

WTF???????????????????????

Okay ladies, what woman in their right mind would want to fuck something that has not been cleaned in almost a week let alone go down on that?

And boys (I say boys because a real man would know to find the soap and washcloth and use the son of a bitch) what would ever posses you to think that a woman would find the toe jam that had made its way up to your ball sack even remotely appealing?

I just don't understand it. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I could say the same about shaving but I don't just because I can't stand myself. Maybe it's a guy thing. I think it must be. I don't know too many woman that can go 3 days let alone a whole week without bathing. It's just nasty.

My god the crosses that I have to bear in life. . . . . .

Little Ones Getting Sick

Over the weekend my son got very ill. He had an awful cough and started running a temp. Then he started coughing so much that it made him puke. Yuck.

Taking care of a wee one is hard when they are so small. My son had RSV when he was an infant and that was exhausting. Just trying to do everything in your power to make them feel better and knowing that nothing works is heartbreaking. All weekend long my little boy would come up to me and tell me that he loved me so much and that I was his best friend. He also kept up with his manners to which there was an overabundance of pleases and thankyous.

I was up at 4am this morning dealing with the cough. Then I was up at my normal time of 6am to get myself ready for work. Right behind me was my little sicko looking like a crime scene. He had apparently had a confrontation with his nose. There was blood everywhere. He was doing his best to clean it up too which for whatever reason I found sweet. I guess he was tired of mommy taking care of him all weekend. I cleaned him up and sent him back to bed where he went to sleep.

Later this morning I talked to hubby. He told me that the bloody nose didn't stop at 6am this morning. It had been going on throughout the morning. So on top of having a bad cough, looking like someone kicked him upside his head and having two bright red circles on his cheeks from his temperature, he can't keep his nose from bleeding. I feel so bad for him!

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday all!

Yesterday was rotten. My child was out of control and my coming home last night involved the police and a lot of emotional distress but today is a new day.

Today I'm focusing on all of the positive things that my day has to offer:

• No stopped up ear
• Less choking and hacking
• A sore body from last night's workout which means I pushed my limit
• A great staff meeting this afternoon
• Free lunch provided by the company which I got to order for the meeting
• Enough gas in my car to get me home
• Not having to drop my kid off at daycare because he was so naughty yesterday that daddy had him stay home with him to do chores
• Knowing that there is a present for me when I get home that comes in a little blue can

I had all of my stress packed into an 8 hour period of time yesterday. I looked at today as an opportunity to forget about yesterday and move on