On a serious note. . . .

I have epilepsy.

I don't talk about it much mostly because I'm embarassed by it. People have told me for years not to worry about it, that I can't help it, whatever. You try having something where you have no control over your body and see how you feel. Being knocked unconcious and knowing that people that you care about are standing around you trying to do the best that they can for you is a helpless feeling.

I had a seizure on Friday at work. It's the 3rd one that I've had since I've been employed here. At one point in time there was an admin who "said" that she had a seizure disorder and was out quite a bit because of it. . . . or so she said. It really pissed me off because I have a seizure disorder and I have no problem coming in.

Either way, I knew that something was not right on Friday morning. I shouldn't have come in to work. I should have stayed home but I didn't. Instead I came in and started working. I was busy puting in a supply order and that was the last thing that I remembered. Next thing I know, I had my head in one of my coworkers laps, the paramedics were there and M was on the phone trying to talk the paramedics out of taking me to the hospital. Apparently I had bit my tongue so bad that I had blood running out of my mouth when it was going on which if someone hasn't ever seen a person having a seizure, would be pretty freaked out. That's what I'm more worried about than anything else.

I spend the majority of my life with these people. I don't want them to be scared of me but I'm afraid that they are. I sent two emails to my boss and he still hasn't responded. He will be out of town for the next week so he will have a week for all of this to sink in. I just wish he would tell me that everything is okay. It's not knowing that's really bothering me. I know I can't be fired because of a physical ailment but when you work closely with someone it's hard not to think that something like this would affect them. I know that probably sounds stupid.

I came in to work today and talked with a bunch of my friends who took care of me and told me what happened. One person who wasn't here on Friday asked if I had done crack. Another coworker and I both looked at him and told him that wasn't funny. Some people don't know what to say when they have to deal with something that is uncomfortable and end up saying the absolute wrong thing. I've learned that throughout the course of my life with this.

M was the best with all of this. He came and got me on Friday with his dad and my son. My son didn't know what was going on. He just knew he was picking mommy up. M took me home and I slept all day and all night. Having a seizure takes a lot out of you. I don't know what is going on at the time but find out all of the little bumps, bruises and scrapes afterwards and those usually paint a colorful picture of what happened. The fact that I can't taste anything STILL is pissing me off. I bit my tongue so hard that I stuck it in a steaming hot cup of coffe and couldn't feel anything. I have no idea whether or not I have blisters on my tongue or not.

My biggest thing is this: If I had one thing I could change in my life, what would it be? It would definately be having epilepsy. If I could take a pill or wave a magic wand to get rid of it, I would. I hate having it. . . . .