Who Are you?

My 4 year old has been watching the movie Alice in Wonderland lately. There is a part of the movie where the reefer smoking caterpillar says to Alice in a ring of smoke "Whooooo Arrrrre Youuuuuu?" My son keeps repeating it over and over and over again.

It's made me think. The caterpillar is asking her for a reason. Most people don't know who they are nor do they have the time to care. I know I haven't . I've always thought I knew who I was. I also know that I've changed. I've changed into something that I know I like.

Years and years ago, I remember waking up one day and being really sad because I was angry all the time and had been my whole life. Everything made me mad. My work, my mom, strangers, friends, the food I ate, the choices I made, things that people said to me. . . . .the list is endless. I woke up that morning and remember it like yesterday. It was spring and in the morning. It was kind of warm outside but dewy. I asked myself in my head "Issy, how do you stop being a bitch?" Then my next biggest fear was not being able to stop and learn how to be nice. . . I didn't know how to do that. Every word that came out of my mouth was hurtful. Cutting people to the quick was my specialty and I was proud of it. But how do you turn a monster that you've created into something that you have no idea how to be?

It took YEARS. I still struggle every day. I told my boss last year to be grateful because I used to be a lot worse than I am now. He just looked at me with disbelief. Was I really that bad? Yes. I remember some of the hateful, hurtful God awful things that I would say to people just for shock value but mostly so that I could hurt them before they hurt me. If I could get people to feel so much pain that it intimidated them, then I felt comfortable. Knowing that I wasn't vulnerable to someone else's verbal abuse was something that I thought through before I even uttered one ugly word.

Today I try to think before I speak. It's becoming more and more of a gift to be able to tell someone something possitive and be rememberd for that instead of that hateful bitch who really had nothing productive to say except for tearing people down.

Who was I?:
A terrified, hurt girl who had a lot to offer but couldn't find it.

Who am I?:
A mature, seasoned woman who has spent a lot of time finding the good qualities burried deep inside and found the tools that were needed to get them out for everyone to see. I'm proud of the person that I've become and know that I have a lot to offer other people. Instead of hurting someone's life, I know that I have the ability to enhance it.