Today is much better!

Today is way better than yesterday.

My best friend and I hashed our differences out. It was very refreshing to know where she was coming from and her knowing how I felt. One of the things that she said was that "We are too much alike to get along all the time". I agree. One of my favorite mottoes is that I can barely stand myself so I don't expect you to.

Loss of a friend

I lost a friend today. Where she went, I can only imagine.

We got into a fight. I am supposedly selfish, self-centered, abusive bitch, caring only about myself, pre-madonna, queen of me. . . (you get the point).

I am going to tell you all a little bit about me.

I am a very self righteous person. I used to stand up for what I believed in. As I've gotten older and am involved with someone who is a very controlling person, I have lost sight of that a bit. The friend of mine that I lost told me a while ago to never forget that is who I am. Well I have. I have cowered down, let people tell me what a rotten person I am. I don't care anymore what people think. Either love me for who I am or get the fuck out.

It made me so sad to know that I hurt my friend unbeknown st to me. I didn't know that I wasn't listening enough. I didn't know that I wasn't coming over enough. I didn't know period. But I know that these will be considered "excuses" so I should just shut up. My lost friend wants me to be at her every beck and call. She wants me to listen intently to what she has to say. She wants me to include her in on my most intimate and painful situations. She wants me to leave the father of my child because she thinks I can do better.

I want a lot of things that I can't have. Like a big house. Or sane in-laws. Even to have my oldest kid live with me. I want an understanding partner who knows when I need room to grow, vent and make mistakes. I want a best friend that I can feel even when we haven't seen each other for days. . . .her presence is there and I know that.

All of this sounds corny but I don't care. I'm sure she'll ridicule me and tell me once again what I did wrong or what I didn't do right. How I talk too much about myself and not enough about her. How I am rude and awful.

I wish she could see past all of the things I've done wrong and hear me when I say that I love her. I wish she could know that even though it's only been a few hours since we last typed to each other that I already miss her.

A Message. . .

Dear Mom,

How are you? I know you are better than me cuz I know you are in a better place. The babies are fine. The oldest one has a major attitude and I just can't figure out who she got that one from. The littlest one is doing great! I brought the blankie home with me when I came back from last year from your place. You know, the one with the cowboys on it that's really soft? He loves it! Your oldest one is going to be 16 this year and she and I are going to a really nice hotel for her birthday and then spend a day at the spa together. I wish you were here to do that with us. . .

Work sucks but it is coming together. The guys I work with are actually TRYING to get their shit together.

M and I are doing okay. We've had our ups and downs but I asked him to spend the evening with me tonight because of you. M's brother should be up there with you so tell him we said hi and also M's grandpa should be there too so let him know that we are painting the house this weekend. . . it needs it!

I miss you so much. Just when I found you, God took you from me but left me with memories that I will always cherish. My biggest fear is that I will forget you. M told me that wouldn't happen; that he would remind me when I get old and help me remember the first time that I saw you. He told me the other night that the first time we met was an experience that he will never forget and can't describe. He said that it was one of the most awesome feelings he's ever experienced. There was a boy that was missing here for 4 years. The news covered his reuniting with his family. I cried. . . not because I was happy for them but because I knew exactly what they felt. Thinking that a part of you is gone and all of a sudden has been found. Knowing that the piece you are looking for will be familiar but the excitement of knowing how it will look different. That's how I remember you. I remember you as being a part of me. . . the person that made me.

You didn't see my first date or witness my first steps as a baby but you saw me for the first time as a successful young woman with children and a family. I have a good career and strong life skills that I believe I inherited. I left you with hopefully pride.

Tonight we're having a shot of Crown. Hope you can make it. . . .I love you!

Your loving daughter,

Alissa

Stress is a Mess

Hello everyone!

I have been scarce lately. Not necessarily by choice either.

I am going through a lot of changes right now with both work and with personal life.

With work - Drama, Drama, Drama. I have a boss now who used to report to the people that now report to him. It's very difficult. The people that report to him are shifty and unreliable. They will stab him in the back in a heartbeat and not blink an eyelash. It's sad. I feel as though I need to take on the weight of the office and fight for him when he isn't here or isn't capable of doing so. I got into a knock down drag out fight with one of my co-workers a few weeks ago. We went behind closed doors and had it out. Needless to say, I did most of the yelling and he did a lot head ducking. It was pathetic. I pointed out that our whole office didn't respect me or my boss. That if they did, they would turn their work in on time and do their jobs with pride and not dig their heels in because "they didn't feel like it". They come and go as they please without answering to anyone. That's how this whole fight started. I questioned where everyone was at at 9:30 in the morning. I was told that I shouldn't be concerned with every one's whereabouts. My reply was this "Fine. I won't concern myself with where you are. I don't care. It's not MY job on the line so do whatever you want. Piss your life away for all I care. I'm done." I got the big wide-eyed look of "I can't believe you would sound so heartless!" and the fight was over.

With Personal life - Hubby got into some trouble yesterday. I'm not at liberty to say at this time what it was but believe you me, Issy was one pissed off bitch yesterday. The in-laws didn't help any either. As a matter of fact they distracted my anger from hubby and concentrated it on themselves. They are worried about their reputations. They are worried about how people will view them now. Who gives a fuck?????? I pointed out to hubby that they are common farm people who live on 15 acres. They aren't part of the mafia. They hold no social standing in the community. There was no "coming out" gala for the boys when they reached manhood. How fucking gay is that? Reputation? Bitch please! I'm so aggravated that I can't even see straight!

And. . . I have no clue who to be mad at first! Should it be the dumb dicks I work with or should it be the moron that I sleep with every night or should it be lucky number 5 up on the hill that gave birth to said moron? Lord!

If any of you have a praying bone in your body, please find it and use it and think of me fondly. . . if you won't pray for me I will definitely have to pray for myself!

Mardi Gras - WooHoo!

Hello friends! I have been a busy girl! Work has dealt me a full hand which I have been trying to play and finally I cashed out on Saturday. . . It was time for Issy to play.

We had made plans Barbarian and I to go to Mardi Gras on Saturday. My hubby was due to go and her hubby was going to drive us there and pick us up so that operating a motor vehicle was not an option. I woke up Saturday morning ecstatic. Hubby wouldn't wake up so I tried again about an hour later. . . grunt. . . ugh. . . bye. Fine, I'll go without you then.

Now the night before I picked out my beads and left the good ones at home so that I wouldn't get upset if a drunken male fell and ripped some of my beads off. I had them with me along with my medicine in case I just got too drunk to make it back home. I picked up the cell and called my friend.

"I have good news and then I have better news"
"What?"
"Good news is that I'm on my way and the better news is that I'm coming by myself!"

So I get to her house and we get situated and we are off!

We get to our destination and start the 5 block trek. I informed B that I needed a bloody mary as tradition. Oh one minor detail. . . with it being St. Louis. . . the weather sucked. We had received 1-2" of snow from mother nature and it was cold and windy. I had on a thermal undershirt and a thin t-shirt over that with a zip-up hoodie (no bra of course. . . it's Mardi Gras!) So we find a vendor and they loaded us up. . .literally! We made our way to my friend's house and started partying. We had a blast!

I found my new boss who informed me that we were there to have fun and NOT talk about work. He also brought his girlfriend who was fun but struck me as the type to pick "favorites". I wanted her and B to get along and I know B wanted that but I think L was way too drunk to think rational. Oh well! We had jello shots, red headed sluts and lots of beer! I got quite a few good beads but because of the weather, we didn't venture out that much. I earned all of my beads inside. I did however get a great set of beads that I told a story for. That was a first for me! They were ones with little rubber frogs on them. I told the girl that I loved her beads and she told me that she wasn't giving them up. So I told her how hubby and I went to Branson every year and we went to a store called "Peace Frogs" and I bought stickers there and put them on my car. But I blew up the engine in my car and had to get rid of the car and leave all of the stickers behind. She hugged me and said that was a great story and put the beads around my neck.

Then there was this one guy who was quite a bit older than me. He and I were talking and I was two sheets to the wind at that point. I remember at one point in time that he was just about begging me to go out on a date with him. I believe that B was there with me laughing and telling him that he didn't really want to get involved knowing who my hubby was. He still didn't give up. All I know is that he gave me the creeps like go take a shower creep. So we left and headed back to our rendezvous point.

When we got there it was busy and there were a lot of people there. I spotted her hubby's car and grabbed her and started to run across the intersection. When I got to the car, my feet flew out from underneath me and I landed flat on my ass! There was a whole crowd of people there that said "OOooooooooooooooo!" and B picked my ass up and poured me into the back seat of their car.

I had an absolute blast!

Pissy Issy

God I'm aggravated today!

I went to lunch with a co-worker today and tried to pay with my card. Declined. Nice. Didn't I just get paid on Wednesday? Oh that's right. . . I had to pay all of the bills with my money the same as I have had to for the past 3 fucking months.

Now I didn't mind when I was younger and a single mother. I had nobody else to blame if a bill didn't get paid except for me. However, when I have a secondary (or at least I thought I did) coming in, I shouldn't have to worry that much. . . especially when the bills are cut right down the middle.

So Issy called up hubby and explained in a very loud tone of voice that she was displeased with being broke AGAIN. So I called him up and started complaining about the situation and what was he going to do about it. An argument ensued. Words were not exchanged but thrown at a violent manner back and forth through the receiver.

"Why are you calling me at home?!?!?"
"Oh I'm sorry. . . I didn't know you were so busy. . . "
"Look here bitch. . . "
"Call me bitch one more time and I'll show you a fucking bitch when I get home tonight from my J.O.B."
"By the way hubby, keep holdin on to that wild card of 32 miles distance between us because that's the only thing saving your ass right now."
"Don't worry, we'll make it. . . we always do."

Telling me not to worry is not making me feel better. It's just patronizing. Especially coming from a guy who is having his bitch pay his bills for him. I am worried about the bills. I am worried about the dishes not getting done and the house looking like shit like both of us are working when clearly that is not the case. I'm spent. I'm in need of some help from him. Even if it's doing the dishes, vacuuming picking up or something.

I told hubby to get a job when he asked me "What do you want me to do?" Well gee Einstein! That's a loaded question! Try working at the local corner store or even a gas station. Or how about just applying for unemployment! Fuck! I even told him that I'd go out and get a second job! Hell, I'd just install a pole in the front yard and see how much I could make! Talk about working from home!

See the problem is that hubby doesn't think until I have to do it for him. He thinks that if he sits there for long enough that the problem will go away or someone else will take care of it. Know what that's called? Being lazy. I however have not had the luxury of being lazy. Being a single mom at 19 will do that to a girl. I have always had at least one job if not multiple jobs. I have tried to make sure the bills are paid on a regular basis well before hubby came along. I had an ex-hubby that I put all of my financial faith in and he stomped on that like a bug leaving me with 7 years of bad credit and a huge grudge against him for doing so. I also promised myself that I would never get caught dead in that type of situation ever again.

Being that it's "that time of the month" doesn't really help.

Hypocrits

Today I was called a hypocrite. Funny. I reread what I wrote and was a bit confused. It all started as a friendly banter back and forth on where people live. I was arguing that the individuals "perception" is not reality.

I did take it personally. I was being criticized on where I live and the "profiling" that takes place where I live at. Here's my take on it.

I live in the St. Louis area. St. Louis is not the best place for everyone to live. St. Louis is one of those cities where it's a common law joke to ask where you went to high school at. That is because St. Louis has people that have lived here the majority of their lives or either their whole life. This is not a typical "pass through" city. People don't come here to start great careers. People come here to get comfortable and stay comfortable.

I do take MASSIVE offense to someone who attacks my character and judges me as a whole race/group of people. I represent the ever-mighty bitch group. You can find us everywhere; not just in St. Louis. I like being challenged everyday by the people in my community. I live in the country and the people there will stop what they are doing to help you out. We don't have street cleaners so everyone is conscious of picking up after themselves.

I grew up in an upper class county. I hated it. I still hate it. The majority of the people there are fake and judgemental which is why I made the choice to move further south. I have the right to say that though because I lived in that fucking town. Someone who is an outsider who has moved and lived in more places than the town whore has had a turn on all of the male patrons in a town has no business or right judging where I live or where I choose to live.

Yes I'm hot. . . and bothered. I have had many people comment on my blog and they have all been supportive and upbeat about things that I believe and that's coming from people ALL over the country if not world. I have never felt belittled, dirty and stupid because I know I am none of these things. I am absolutely gorgeous on the inside and out. What I have to offer others is a major blessing and those of you should be thankful that I share that with you. I am proud of where I came from, I am proud of what I have done with my life. I am proud of my kids, my family, my beliefs, my career and my friends. I am proud of my home and my car. I am proud that I love to drink beer every night and I am proud of the fact that I flipped off the fuck that cut me off this morning (btw. . . your car sucks BMW fucko!) I am proud that I'm not the slimmest women in the mid west (someone must have had a bad experience with a 300 pound slut in the St. Louis area apparently).

I'm done for now. I just had to state my point. I'm tired of everyone being so god damned negative. If you can't shit then get off the wretched pot. Do something to change it if you don't like it.

Men are Raging Dicks!!!!!!

Sorry guys. . . I'm a bad, bad girl for not writing!

So I get a phone call from my mother yesterday. Seems as though my daughter had a "situation" last night in regards to men. She has been seeing a boy for 2 weeks now. She has a "backwards" dance (aka Sadie Hawkins for those of you old fuckers such as myself) and asked this boy if he would be her date. He graciously said yes and on we go.

Now mind you this dance is 2 weeks away. My poor dear has already bought her dress. Do I sound dreadful? Yes. I went to visit her on Sunday. Everything was fine in boy land. I left and went home to do stuff and get ready for bed. While I was doing that he was getting ready to designate the bomb. In the form of an email, he broke up with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?. . . .

BECAUSE THE SHITTY LITTLE FUCKER SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW HER THAT WELL!!!!!!!

My god! What a lame excuse!!!!! I said something to hubby about it. I told him that I bet anything that the little shit couldn't get his dick wet so he came up with a stupid ass excuse!

I now want to go to his house and beat the holy hell out of that boy. Of course you don't know anyone that well within the course of 2 weeks! What was he thinking? That "oh maybe I'll find out her blood type within that period and if not, then hit the bricks sister". Then my daughter tells me this:

We were sitting on a "love seat" so he asks me (daughter) "what are we sitting on?"
She responds "a love seat"
He says "so that means you love me"?
She says "I guess".
He says "well I do".

What a flake.

Sorry everyone. I was stuck on post 69 and just couldn't bring myself to add one more! (Bad joke.)

Anyway, I wish I could talk openly about the situation with our home and with hubby's family but I really can't due to legal reasons. All I can say is this, I'm staying as far away from his mom as I can. Ever heard of the term "circling the drain"? I don't want to get sucked in and go down like she is. It's actually quite peaceful distancing myself.

Hubby and I are doing great! He hasn't worked consistently for months now and money is really tight but we will make it. I hate the winter because of that. I think in the spring we will go on a little excursion.

My little man is doing great! Although he did something fruit on Monday. Sunday night I made dinner. I put a chicken leg on his plate and a small amount of penne pasta with cheese sauce. He wanted to watch his "shows" instead of eating and we told him that either he eat or go to bed. Either way, TV was not an option. So he decided to go to bed. He woke up the next morning saying that his tummy hurt and I reminded him of the fact that he hadn't eaten. So I took him to daycare and he threw up all over the kitchen. So we trekked back home and I put him in the bed and turned on the TV for him. He ate 2 bowls of Cheez-its, a little debbie snack cake, 2 pieces of toast, a PBJ, 2 go-gurts, chicken tenders, peas and a bunch of water. Yeah, he was sick all right.

Then there's my best friend. She is going through a rough time right now and I really don't know what I can do to ease her frustration. She's basically being ignored in her marriage and I just want to shake her hubby and wake him up. She's a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman. I have been making more of an effort to spend more time with her to get her mind off of struggles that she is having a hard time conquering. All I can do is listen and try to paraphrase. That's all I would need from her if I was going through what she is. I have actually and she has always had a bent ear and waited 4 hours if need be for me to get it off my chest. Actually what we really need is a much needed girls night out! Right now though, I am not financially prepared for that until about another month.

Well, that's what is going on with me. Except for work. . . . NONE of you want to know about that. I'm waiting for something positive to happen before I blog about.

Yay! It's Tuesday!

Good morning everyone reading! Tuesday is not usually recognized as a day of recognition but for me I thought I'd start nothing new.

Everyone hates Mondays. Nobody likes to work, go anywhere or do anything on Mondays. Tuesdays are however after Mondays so how could it be that much worse? It's not.

Then there's Wednesdays. The ever popular "hump" day. Now if your lucky enough to get laid on that day then this theory would apply to you. Most of us don't have partners that are willing to recognize this day specifically dedicated to "gettin some". Mind you Tuesdays are usually days when my hubby puts out so Tuesday would be my "hump" day.

Now on to Thursday. This day has it made as the prequel to the ever popular Friday. Everyone is gearing up for a big party. Thursdays for me however are my workout day which means that the day of pain will follow on Friday making it not such a hot day in Issy's book. Oh did I mention that I work out on Tuesday as well?

Friday is next which is every one's time to get together with coworkers before the big bash happens called the weekend. This is when my drinking occurs to take the edge off of sore muscles and forgetting about retarded co-workers.

Ah. . . . the weekend. Mass amounts of alcohol consumed here just knowing that you have to start all over again on the dreaded Monday.

Vicious circle? That alone calls for a drink! Cheers everyone!~

Change Sux!

This has to do with my job. It may be boring so I'm sorry ahead of time. Although my old boss is pretty fiery in this one!

The company that I work for is an AV company. The division that I work for does major events and conventions. I managed the whole office of 42 people but now have gone through a divisional split. I now work with 12 people. My boss is not one of the people in our "team". So therefore, now I have a new boss. There's a big problem though. . . .

Nobody told him that I am no longer his assistant.

Yesterday I had to go into 2 meetings. Let me just say that both were orchestrated by T (we'll call my old boss that for now) whom wasn't supposed to be having them at all since nobody except for one person reports to him. I was in both. I was uncomfortable in both. The last one was the worst because I had to go over what my new job duties are with him which made no sense. But since my new boss is on the road, I decided to play dumb to the whole thing.

My new boss, R, called into the meeting and played dumb too until T spilled the beans and told him that he was creating a memo for one of the managers letting them know which duties I was dumping. All hell broke loose while I was there in his office. This is somewhat how it went:

T: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?
T: Oh that's right R; you haven't been to any meetings that we've had.
R: Nice T.
T: You know what R? This isn't getting any of us anywhere.

The call lasted for about 20 minutes and the aftermath after he hung up the receiver was even worse.

One of my co-workers came to me later on and asked what was wrong. I tried to tell him that I couldn't talk about it but I had to run to the ladies room before I started crying. T ended it with him shaking my hand and sarcastically saying "Nice workin with ya".

I called R when I got home to go over the meeting(s) and he was all calm about it and said "Issy, it was all just a big cock fight. Don't worry about it. I'm really sorry you got into the middle of it and I will take care of it when I get back on Wednesday". That really helped out.

I don't have any respect for my old boss. I used to have some but now I just feel sorry for him. I pointed out last night to R that for a 55 year old man, I just couldn't understand how immature and unprofessional he could be. He agreed.

Merry Christmas!

Okay. I know it's a little late for the well wishing of good cheer. I thought some of you might want to know how my holiday was.

Not too much drama. I made it a point to ignore a lot of it; either way it was there. My mother wasn't too bad. My MIL was her typical self. Hubby was sulking. And I? I ran around the majority of the time mumbling under my breath "I hate the fucking holidays". Most that barely heard me stayed away. Good plan of action on my part.

There were two parts of my holiday that I will never forgot from this year.

Being invited to my best friend's house to celebrate Christmas with her and her family. It was very relaxed (except for my son) and down to earth. I had never seen one person bring so many presents (Nana)! I was given a hand made afghan for a king size bed which is not an easy feat. It turned out absolutely gorgeous! I was absolutely floored that someone would spend that much time making something for me. I also got an expensive piece of equipment from Barbarian and her hubby. That absolutely floored me too! I told her that and her response was "I know you wouldn't have gotten the leather coat for me unless you got an awesome deal on it. That's how we felt about your gift. We got a KILLER deal on it!" That made me feel great! I did get a pretty smokin deal on her coat.
Then there was Christmas morning with little man and hubby. Hubby and I decided that we weren't going to exchange presents this year because of the new car. I did not hold up my end of the bargain and purchased a mixed 6 pack of imported beer, fleece lounge pants and a HUGE box of Cheez-its for his Christmas present. It wasn't much but it was a day of comfort for him. I asked him what was wrong when I noticed him pouting. He told me that he didn't get anything from me and that he wished I wouldn't have bought any of it. I told him "You got me a car you idiot! I don't even KNOW anyone this year that was given a VEHICLE for Christmas!" He smiled and I knew he wasn't feeling so bad anymore.

Well folks, there you have it. Issy's holiday season. The upside and lesson to be learned from this Christmas is that nobody was dismembered, no one lost an eye and most importantly, no one contracted a VD from hitting the egg nog one too many times and then sleeping with a drunken stranger. Gotta love the holidays!

Karma

I just tried to upload a card for everyone to see because I fell out of my chair laughing when I opened it. But once again, pain in the ass Google Blogger has told me that they are "so sorry but that they can't complete my request". So I tried a different pic thinking that it may have something to do with the size. No deal. Fuck you Google. I hate you at every turn and soon Karma will kick your ass.

Here's a funny story for you all (speaking of Karma). A while ago the company I work for split and was bought out by some big ass investor. The corporate portion moved about 25 miles away and we stayed put. In the past we would send our mail over for metering as it all fell under one account and made no sense for our office to obtain a postage meter. When the move took place, I fought the broad who was in charge of the move tooth and nail for answers as to what we were to do for our mail. She basically pushed me out if the boat with the hopes that I would drown.

We purchased a scale (for mail wise asses should you snicker and ask!) and I joined a stamp club so that we would receive stamps on a regular basis. Just so you know, the fight that I had with this girl lasted months not to mention the thick layer of animosity that we had for each other.

Well come to find out yesterday that one of my co-workers found out that their postage machine caught on fire! Woo-hoo! Karma sucks doesn't it bitch? Look what God did to you for not giving us options and acting like the cunt you know you are! Ha! I just have visions of that bitch running around with her fat ass trying to catch up with her while flames consume that blasted postage machine. It also ruined some of the wiring and not in just that area.

God I love Karma. It never fails!

His Majesty Arrives

I called my parents home last night. My brother and his wife and their 1.5 year old arrived at the airport last night from Japan. He will be in the states for 3 weeks. Should I get excited? Somewhat but I've already set myself up for the self centered drama to occur long ago.

A brief history if you will:

I was adopted.
My brother was not. He was considered the entity that should have never occurred. Therefore making him the miracle child.

There is an 8 year gap between he and I. Before he was born, I was it! When he came along, I felt pushed aside and not needed anymore. I still feel that way. My mother is to blame for that one.

My brother's needs are catered to at all times. If his bank account gets low, mommy and daddy will put some in. If he needs a car? Mommy and daddy will get one for him. I didn't even go to his wedding because my mom didn't want me there and he was too scared of her to ask me to come. Pussy!

Well now his majesty is in town. How wonderful! What a lucky gal I am! This means that the world has now stopped on its axis. Death and destruction no longer exists. We are all now complete. Why would I be bitter? Because for the next 3 weeks, myself and my family don't exist and are invisible. I will hear excuses as to why my brother doesn't have time to spend with me because he's too busy according to my mother. He has no say so in the matter never mind the fact that he won't grow his own set of balls and stand up to her.

So, this evening I will be going to a wonderful Christmas party with my best friend and then parting ways to venture to my parents house for a fun filled evening of family dysfunctionality.

Bah Humbug Bitches!

Let's Not Make it too Long!

I took some time off of work today to see P off properly. There were only 3 of us; FIL, hubby and myself. We had to be at the cemetary at 8 this morning. The funeral director (which we are on a first name basis with him now) was to be there at 8:15. Prompt as could be, the mustard colored hearse pulled up. I commented to hubby that P was getting ride for the last time in a Caddie. Those were his favorite vehicles. . . lots of class. At least they got that part right.

The funeral director said to my FIL that they had found a watch and a set of glasses with P but didn't put them on him in the casket and did he want the items. FIL said to put them with him in the casket which they did. Come to think of it now, I wonder if they even dressed P nice? I wouldn't put it past them to put his cold, lifeless body in there naked. They purchased the cheapest casket that the funeral home had to offer. Only reason why I'm saying that is because when Steve passed, we had to pick out the casket. Hubby picked it out and it was a real pretty one but it cost quite a bit. I saw the one that P was currently in. It was one of the first ones in line in there "show room". Nothing too good for ol P! He's gone now! What's that old biblical saying "Spare the rod" or something like that?

Hubby and some of the cemetary workers pulled P out of the hearse and placed him above the hole in the ground. The funeral director asked us if more people were coming. No. We didn't even know if the other living grandchild had been contacted about his death. He then asked FIL if he wanted to say a few words on P's behalf. FIL asked if the director could do it but to not make it too long. God forbid. Christ. How much worse could this get? He gave the Irish Blessing along with the the one that starts "The lord is my shepard, I shall not want". I've always loved that passage but it reminds me of death. Then the funeral director started reciting this:

(I can't remember the first part right now as my mind is all mixed up)
"Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom
The power
The glory
Forever
Amen"

All of those things need to be said for P.

Hubby told me to look at the skyline. It was beautiful. It was all pink and hazy.

When I looked at him he had one tear running down the right side of his cheek.

What is Happening Now

I came home last night trying to figure out what type of arrangements have been made for P. Hubby was sketchy and frustrated; no doubt because he either knew or felt what was really going on. So I dropped it and decided I would deal with arrangements tomorrow, hence today.

I was leaving for work and I called FIL. I asked what was going on with the funeral. I had been told the night before that there MIGHT be something at the funeral home; there MIGHT be something at the cemetary but nobody was for sure. So I asked this morning. I was told that FIL is meeting the funeral director at the cemetary and they will put P in the ground. No service, no prayer, no other family members, no nothing. I was however invited to go along if I wanted to. I asked if hubby was going and he said he didn't know. I asked if MIL was going and was told no; she would be tied up in meetings today and tomorrow with the law firm. How nice. Even the law firm isn't sending someone out for representation.

Why is this happening? Why is he being hated so much that nobody is being given the opportunity to pay their respects and say goodbye? None of this is right. I don't hate my in laws. I look at them like I looked at P. At one point of time in his life he was a wonderful man and a loving person but he left this world a sick, broken down old man. I think my in laws are just sick people in need of some serious professional help. I hope they can get that so that they may find some absolution.

If Anyone Knows Someone in Blogger, Please Help!

I have wrote two posts and had people tell me that they can't comment. This new beta blogger is the most inconvenient thing I've ever encountered. I don't know who to contact within blogger to alert them to the problem or to Google for that matter. If anyone knows, please let Barbarian know so that I can figure out how to remedy this issue. Otherwise, I'm going to have to shut down shop! Thanks everyone! I miss you guys!

Death Comes in 3's

Ever heard that before? I have and I'm tired of it; mostly because it seems to pertain to me lately.

Last night I came home with our son, settled in by changing my clothes and parking my ass on the sectional. I had been there with hubby for about an hour with the son in the bedroom watching TV when someone started knocking on the door. It was the sister in law from up the hill. Hubby answered the door and was told to go outside. A few moments later they returned back inside the house and hubby offered Sis a beer. She declined. I looked at both of them and asked how she was doing. She said fine and hubby said firmly "Babe, P died".

I had all kinds of old familiar feelings flood over me like a sick, wet blanket. She then told us that mother in law had asked the nursing home to call her if they didn't see P for a few days (P's wife N, lives at the nursing home and he visited just about every day). Well they called. So, MIL and FIL went to P's house to check on him. He had died days earlier. Nobody knows exactly when. This is going to sound strange, but all I could think about was P sitting on the sofa and going to sleep in the dark and not waking up. Nobody there to say good bye to. Laying there for days in silence. No one to make sure he hadn't soiled himself. Nobody to tell him that it's going to be okay. No one to reassure him that he is still loved no matter how crazy he may be.

This whole "alone thing" bothers me. P was as nutty as a fruitcake but he still deserved some sense of respect. He had a mental illness that "got in the way" of other people's every day dealings. While I listened to other people bitch about the inapropriate things that P said and did, I had an opinion forming in the back of my brain. Shuning him and casting him away because of a mental illness is like discrediting someone because they have cancer. They don't ask for that. They don't wake up one morning and say "Hey! I think I'd like to be crazy and make everyone else's life miserable!" It doesn't work that way.

I don't think P DESERVED what happened to him and I am so sad that he had to leave this world knowing that.

How to trap and kill a notorious lard ass!

I started a new diet. So far so good. I've lost 2 pounds! Woo hoo! I have to monitor my diet, exercise, motivate myself. . . . . MOTIVATE MYSELF???????????? I'm sorry but I'm one of the most cynical people I know. Motivating myself is like asking a Native American to kill a buffalo just for the hell of it and walk away. Not happening. What's the point? I need someone or something up in my face saying "Hey lard ass, quit puttin that shit in your mouth!" Or "I just got done with the plans on a sling to get your monsterous butt up out of bed! I think it can hold all of you if you just give it a chance."

Yeah. I've given up. I monitor my diet and there is even room in Issy's diet for beer. Custom made just for moi! Exercise however is a problem. It didn't used to be but now it is.

When I was young (way young) from the time I was about 6 years old, I danced at a studio. I danced for over 10 years, became a rebelious teen and quit. I weighed 110 pounds and was 5'5". I had my first kid when I was 19 and went from 110 to 172. I lost all of the weight that I put on 2 weeks after I had my daughter.

3.5 years ago, I had my son at the tender age of 32 or 31 (I can't remember) and went from 130 to 174 and am now down to 152 (that's with the 2 pounds lost mind you!). So, for 3.5 years, I have been on the dieting roller coster and to be honest with you, I have become nautious. All I am wanting to get down to is 130. That's it. Even getting into the mid to low 40's would be a start.

Hubby met me when I was working for a grocery store as the asst. mgr. of the dairy department. My title was "Dairy Bitch". No joke. But at the time, I was working 2 jobs, going through a divorce, drinking heavily and smoking a lot of cigarettes. I was solid muscle and built which is why hubby supposedly gravitated to me. He told one of my co-workers "I'm gonna tag that ass in 2 weeks, bet me!" Well I wish I could say that it was 2 weeks but it wasn't. Either way, things have gone down hill with Issy's physice' ever since I "settled down". Now that I'm comfortable and have a 3 year old, I just don't have the time, room or energy to pick my legs up. It makes me wonder where I got all of that energy before? Where in the hell did it go? When I was dancing I worked out 6 days a week at 4.5 hours a day. Why can't I work out for 15 minutes a day 3 times a week? WTF?

Being pleasantly plump is not as attractive as it sounds. What I need is a workout buddy and dieting buddy; physically. Anyone would do. You don't even have to be that nice! That would be asking a hell of a lot anyway considering the type of person I am! So if anyone has any tidbits of useful "motivation" to throw my way, I am open.

Melt down

I go through stages of stress. First there's the bitchy stage. I complain about everything. Nothing goes right. I hate everyone. What's next?

Then there's stage 2, letting EVERYONE know about it and throwing a temper tantrum. At this stage I know there are people out to get me and make me miserable. I purposely pick fights with people just to prove a point whether it needs to be proved or not.

Then there's stage 3 - shut down mode. I don't talk to ANYONE. People will ask me a question and I will blatantly ignore them. Figure it's better than biting there head off; that already happened in stage 2.

So I'm sure some of you are asking "Why go through all of that unecesary stress? Why not just put on a happy face and not take life so seriously?" Well for your information, THAT'S NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Years and years ago I was diagnosed with an anger disorder. I've only told a few people about it and they have all laughed at me. It hurts to be vulnerable about something like that. I've spent litterally years working on dealing with my anger and how to channel it in more productive directions. An anger disorder is this: a person who displays anger differently from a normal person. Most people get angry and curse and let it go. I tend to go into a rage over stupid piddly shit. I've been known to "snap" without saying anything and just haul off physically without regard for who's in the line of fire. I've had to go through my whole life rationalizing what to or not to get mad about. It's not as easy as it sounds when you have an unidentifiable demon running rampant through your subconcious. I wish I could blame my mother for this but this is something that I have to deal with. I don't have time in my life to point the finger anymore. My mom has her own illnesses that she will never overcome. I'm trying to be the bigger person by recognizing mine and trying to do better.

I don't take medicine for it as it's a lifestyle issue (at least at the time that's how it was explained to me). I've hurt a lot of people in my past because of it. I've broken bones because of it; not meaning to. I've lost relationships because of it. And for the most part, people just plain don't understand it. Frankly, I have a hard time understanding it at times.

I know this isn't a positive post and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. It's a skeleton in my life that I'm ready to let go of.