Loss of a friend

I lost a friend today. Where she went, I can only imagine.

We got into a fight. I am supposedly selfish, self-centered, abusive bitch, caring only about myself, pre-madonna, queen of me. . . (you get the point).

I am going to tell you all a little bit about me.

I am a very self righteous person. I used to stand up for what I believed in. As I've gotten older and am involved with someone who is a very controlling person, I have lost sight of that a bit. The friend of mine that I lost told me a while ago to never forget that is who I am. Well I have. I have cowered down, let people tell me what a rotten person I am. I don't care anymore what people think. Either love me for who I am or get the fuck out.

It made me so sad to know that I hurt my friend unbeknown st to me. I didn't know that I wasn't listening enough. I didn't know that I wasn't coming over enough. I didn't know period. But I know that these will be considered "excuses" so I should just shut up. My lost friend wants me to be at her every beck and call. She wants me to listen intently to what she has to say. She wants me to include her in on my most intimate and painful situations. She wants me to leave the father of my child because she thinks I can do better.

I want a lot of things that I can't have. Like a big house. Or sane in-laws. Even to have my oldest kid live with me. I want an understanding partner who knows when I need room to grow, vent and make mistakes. I want a best friend that I can feel even when we haven't seen each other for days. . . .her presence is there and I know that.

All of this sounds corny but I don't care. I'm sure she'll ridicule me and tell me once again what I did wrong or what I didn't do right. How I talk too much about myself and not enough about her. How I am rude and awful.

I wish she could see past all of the things I've done wrong and hear me when I say that I love her. I wish she could know that even though it's only been a few hours since we last typed to each other that I already miss her.