I go through stages of stress. First there's the bitchy stage. I complain about everything. Nothing goes right. I hate everyone. What's next?
Then there's stage 2, letting EVERYONE know about it and throwing a temper tantrum. At this stage I know there are people out to get me and make me miserable. I purposely pick fights with people just to prove a point whether it needs to be proved or not.
Then there's stage 3 - shut down mode. I don't talk to ANYONE. People will ask me a question and I will blatantly ignore them. Figure it's better than biting there head off; that already happened in stage 2.
So I'm sure some of you are asking "Why go through all of that unecesary stress? Why not just put on a happy face and not take life so seriously?" Well for your information, THAT'S NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Years and years ago I was diagnosed with an anger disorder. I've only told a few people about it and they have all laughed at me. It hurts to be vulnerable about something like that. I've spent litterally years working on dealing with my anger and how to channel it in more productive directions. An anger disorder is this: a person who displays anger differently from a normal person. Most people get angry and curse and let it go. I tend to go into a rage over stupid piddly shit. I've been known to "snap" without saying anything and just haul off physically without regard for who's in the line of fire. I've had to go through my whole life rationalizing what to or not to get mad about. It's not as easy as it sounds when you have an unidentifiable demon running rampant through your subconcious. I wish I could blame my mother for this but this is something that I have to deal with. I don't have time in my life to point the finger anymore. My mom has her own illnesses that she will never overcome. I'm trying to be the bigger person by recognizing mine and trying to do better.
I don't take medicine for it as it's a lifestyle issue (at least at the time that's how it was explained to me). I've hurt a lot of people in my past because of it. I've broken bones because of it; not meaning to. I've lost relationships because of it. And for the most part, people just plain don't understand it. Frankly, I have a hard time understanding it at times.
I know this isn't a positive post and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. It's a skeleton in my life that I'm ready to let go of.
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I am a tough chick with a soft interior trying to change. I am deep, predictable and at times confusing. At times I can't even stand myself but if you get to know me well enough you might actually fall in love with me.
2 comments:
I'm there fer ya, sista. As one with anger myself I can relate with what you're going through. It's an awful feeling to have a demon inside that doesn't take direction very well. Even more so if you're trying to be good.
You, me, drinks, tonight.
My unique demon's name is Frank. Seriously, I just thought it would help to give it a name if I am going to have to live with it. At least you are able to understand the basic mechanics of how your demon behaves. That is really quite an accomplishment, Issy.
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