Steve . . . . We will miss you.

Last night I got off of work and drove to my Herbalife rep's house to pick up some vitamins. I was there for 1 hour and 15 minutes and didn't take my phone in as not that many people call me. When I came out, there were two new messages from my boyfriend.

First message:

"Pick up the fucking phone NOW!"

Second message:

"If you can't answer your phone then you shouldn't have one. If you can't answer your phone then don't bother coming home!"

I was just getting ready to call back when the phone wrang and it was him. I asked him what was going on and he was like "Oh hi honey! How's it going?" All sweet and shit. It totally threw me off so I asked him what was going on. He told me that I needed to get my ass home because there were going to be a bunch of cops at the house. I didn't know what to think. So I asked him why and that's when he told me "Steve's dead".

My best friend called right after that and after talking to her this morning, I don't really remember much of the conversation. All I remember her saying is "Where are you? I'll come get you just pull over so you don't wreck."

I got home after doing 80mph on a back road and passing three people on curves on double yellow lines. Stupid on my part. When I got there, there were two marked cop cars and one unmarked. My mother-in-law (I call all of his family my in-laws because we've been together for so long) was sitting on the deck crying with all the police around her and dad was nowhere to be seen nor Sis. I barely made it up the walkway between my heels and sobbing, I almost fell twice. I hugged my mom and she told me they were upstairs and to say goodbye to Steve before the coronner got there.

When I got up there Steve was on the floor with the heart attachments still on him. Dad was on the sofa holding his hand and Sis was in the recliner crying softly. Dad stood up and held me tight and cried while I just sobbed and didn't know what I was going to do with my man at the house and my little three year old who saw the big fire truck go up the hill. Finally Dad grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me straight in the eye with a look that went all the way to my soul and told me this: "You go down now and take care of M". It has haunted me ever since he spoke those words. M had another brother that was 4 years older than I am but he commited suicide when M was 13.

Last night I spent a lot of time listening to M say "I am the last. . . I am all that is left". What do you say to that? I have asked and haven't heard an answer. I don't think there is one. All I am doing now is asking; more like begging God to help me find a way to comfort M, Mom, Dad and Sis. If any of you have one praying bone in your body, please find it and use it. My family can use all the help it can get right now.