A million questions

Last night Hubby asked me a bunch of scenarios of what if's. The first one I had a difficult time answering and he got pissed because it was a simple yes or no question. I finally did answer and then the questions came rolling in from him.

I feel like I'm on trial. I feel like I'm being compared and in competition again. I feel unworthy and worst of all I feel untrustworthy which is my fault. I don't know how you gain another person's trust or how someone can just fall out of love with you but those are all feelings that I have right now. He told me that he didn't want to see anymore women crying. I'm sorry. I'm beat up right now, lonely, depressed, worried, angry, anxious and fearful.

We are going on a trip this weekend to find ourselves again. What happens when we get back? Will I be in the back seat again? Will it be like it has been for the past couple of months?

I spent the night last night and it was so hard to explain it but it was like his lawyer had told him not to do or get too close or befriend me. It was like being with a different person. It was like it was near the beginning when I had left and came back. I feel like I just hit a home run and they told me to go back to home plate and MAYBE I might be able to swing the bat again if I can do it right this time. I woke up at 3p last night because of a storm in the area. I had lots of things on my mind. Do touch Hubby, don't touch Hubby. What if he moves out of the house and into her's with our son what will happen? What will happen with us? Is us over? I don't know. Last night it felt over. We are going on this trip and I so desperately want to have a great time with him but I can't make someone enjoy me. They have to do that on their own. I'm ready to be all alone with him just he and I. But when we come back, will those good times just be a memory or will he want to be with me all the time? I don't know. . . .

I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up. God I know I fucked up. To the point where I just want to smile, forget that I fucked up so bad, get my family in order, forget about her, forget that Hubby is still upset with me, I want to laugh at stupid jokes, take care of our home and child and him, go shop for food and stuff we need, wash the car, go to work, rub lotion on his back when he gets baked, drink with him, watch him play video games when I get home. . . . God most of all I want him to just love me more than anything else. Without his love for me and my love for him, our family will be no more and right now that is what is so terrifying to me.