Falling Apart

I feel like my life is spinning out of control right now. I keep getting calls from daycare saying that our son is not behaving and that he misses us. I want to leave so bad and just commit myself.

I can't take much more of this if any at all. Seeing our son in such a mess is beyond hurtful right now. Hubby and I . . . I don't know where we are going and that's part of the reason why I want to commit myself because this is having an effect on our son.

Last night our son wanted to talk to God about Mommy, Daddy and him and how he misses the three of us. I told him it was okay to talk to him about that. He wanted to get in bed with me, he wanted to get up, he whined, he did all kinds of things that a normal 5 year old going through a broken relationship would do. He doesn't understand what's going on. Plus when we drop him off at daycare, he is out of control within an hour of him being there. It's almost 10am now and I haven't gotten a call back yet from the first one that I received earlier.

I have no family right now, I have no life right now, I have nobody (mate wise) that loves me back, I have a son who is in constant turmoil, I have a mate that I want that doesn't want me back who is so upset and confused and what's more has two people that love him. He told me last night that he's tired of being shit on and always giving to everyone else and getting nothing in return. He has been given a lot right now. Two people that love him whether he cares if one of those people love him or not. He has a son who is being taken care of no matter what takes place. His bills will be taken care of and are up to date. He has a job, new truck, a woman that he can talk to, go places with, love and spend time with. It seems like me being around has caused as much chaos as me leaving.

Last night he told me if some "dumb hooker" wouldn't have left this all wouldn't have happened. I told him that I can't change the past but move forward and try the best that I can to make right with the huge mistake that I made. I don't even know how to make it right except that I'm trying. Part of me wants to just go and part of me wants to stay and keep trying but I am not sure if I'm just exhausting myself.

One thing that I did not tell Hubby last night was that S doesn't have to try at all. She is there whenever he wants her. Call and she's there. Day off, let's spend it together. I'm upset, text me or call me and we'll either do lunch or talk. I literally have to gauge my time with him, check with him to see what bills need help, see who's picking up little man. I am so obsessed and exhausted with everything right now and it's been going on for so long that I want it all to end. I want everything to come to a screeching halt and stop, make a decision, move on, do something but all of this is so hard to see who it is taking a greater toll on. . . . is it him, me or our son?

I want everything to go back to normal, get some stability in ALL of our lives and move on. That may just not happen. But how long will I have to be strong to see when that day if it ever comes. S doesn't have to be strong right now for that day because she's not in my shoes. She just has to wait for someone to tell her that he can't be with her anymore if that day ever comes but from the way things are going, I don't see that happening for a long time.

Leaving on this note: I hurt for my son, I hurt for Hubby and I hurt for me. They say God puts no more in your life than you can currently handle. Good advise but I think that God has a VERY strange sense of humor right now. . . .