Holiday Weekend

I had a good holiday weekend with my family. Lots of drinking and eating. . . . up until yesterday.

I got paid yesterday and had a lot of catching up to do on various things such as gas, washing the car, getting laundry detergent, etc. So I ran out to get a BUNCH of stuff done. I was gone for about 4 hours and when I got back, Hubby was texting AGAIN. Hadn't heard from him while I was gone. Guess I'm not that interesting.

So yeah, when I got back I copped an attitude because most of the evening we didn't really have any type of conversation. If I wanted a conversation then I texted him which at one point I asked him that if I asked him if he would go to Vegas with me would he go. He texted yes and then said to me "you don't want to marry me". I was so frustrated and aggravated that I just went outside to smoke. Most of his conversing with with S in the form of a text. It's so annoying when you want to spend time with someone and you are constantly getting interrupted by someone else.

Plus on top of it, I texted her this weekend to see how the concert that she went to was going. She said she didn't know me, called me to reinforce that she didn't know me and then Hubby got pissed at me for doing it. What the fuck? Then he tells me never to do it again. Fine I'm now 3 years old. . . put me in the damn corner. I did it to try to ease the tension that I had towards her and I thought it would help. Apparently it did not.

So last night everything came to a head and I called her a bunch of names. Hubby was very upset with me. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not enough for him, I'm sorry that it's hard for him to understand that we can't work on us with a fucking three ring circus going on and I'm sorry that if I have to share my life with him that I'm not willing to share it with her too. I guess I'm just not being flexible enough.

All I want is to be left alone. . . .Hubby told me that if I want to die alone, bitter and old that was my choice. I want to be left alone with my family but I don't think Hubby knows how to let go. Oh well. He can be alone too. Can you tell I'm not making any sense? I didn't get any sleep last night. . . here we go again.

Kids and God

Yesterday we told our 5 year old if he was good at daycare we would get some fireworks and shot them off for him. He was good, got him dinner, showered him and waited for it to get dark. Just as it got dark, a hellacious storm rolled in. . . .

He was in the shower when it came so he came running out in our family room butt naked and dripping wet with the front door open. He was so upset and perplexed that it was storming because "how are we going to do fireworks????" So I asked him to talk to God about it. So this little boy stands in front of the front door while it is storming, naked none the less, and starts talking to God like he is an old friend that he's known for years. He tells him that he wants to shoot off fireworks but it's raining and that God has a big mess to clean up now. Then he invites God to come over and spend the night and apparently God had responded to his questions of whether or not it would stop raining. He told us that God had said "not just yet".

Hubby and I were sitting on the sofa while all of this was going on in awe. There were a few times that I had to put my hand over my mouth because I didn't want him to see me giggle because he was being so cute and wasn't meaning to. Hubby said "I don't care who you are. There is nothing more Innocent and pure than that right there. A child genuinely talking to God is one of the greatest things. . . ." He must have talked to his "old" friend for 5 minutes straight.

Life on the Farm

Last night I was outside enjoying the nice weather. Let me just explain that we have two dogs that are outside dogs and have been for years. While I was outside I heard one dog barking in an odd manner to the point where it didn't sound like one of ours. So I went in their pen and one of the dogs greeted me. The other one was panting and laying by the fence and made no move to come greet me.

When I came up to her (the one by the fence) it was absolutely awful. The smell was so bad and she was in awful pain. She had a tumor for some time now about the size of two softballs on her back leg and it finally burst. As nature would have it with her being old, nature sent in every insect it could find to start the decaying process. She was dying a slow and painful death.

I went to the house and told Hubby to take a look at her and he told me to call his dad and to bring a gun down with him. Living on a farm, you don't let animals suffer and all of them are or have been buried on the property. Everything from cats to horses. Also living on a farm each one of us has a job or role to play in taking care of stuff. My job was to watch the front door to make sure our son didn't come out while this was going on. My FIL's job was to shoot her which I cried when it happened and Hubby's job was to carry her to where they were going to bury her and dig the hole. Also living on a farm out in the country you have to make sure that it's in plastic and that lime is in with it or else in the middle of the night scavenger animals will find it, dig it up and create more of a mess than if you just left the poor animal lying where it died.

I've learned a lot about being on a farm from my in laws and from Hubby. Things I've been sheltered from by living in the county. Not all of it is pleasant but sometimes it is. The things that aren't pleasant are usually just "necessary" that most people take for granted or have someone that they call to take care of it for them. The good things though are really good like having a lot of space between you and your neighbors, being able to walk out in the middle of the night butt naked if you want to, growing your own produce and dairy products and having enough space to make changes if you wanted to. I like living on a farm. I got away from it for a brief period of time and not only did I miss it terribly but realized that I do not like city life and don't think I will ever be able to go back to that.

Am I happy with where I am today? Yes. I asked Hubby that yesterday and he said he was as well. We are going to get fireworks (another plus of living in the country) and we are going to celebrate tonight with our son until Sunday evening!

Nice. . . . .

Yesterday and last night had the potential or should I just come out and say it, just fell apart. But luckily it wasn't with Hubby and I. That is one issue that I know how to make it fall apart and didn't want that to happen. . . we've worked WAY too hard.

Last night I went to pick up our son. Seems that he thought it was okay to run past a parent when they were picking up their child and out into a field. The teachers had to chase after him and then he proceeded to produce his little horns and tail and spit, kick and hit them as they corralled him back to the facility. Needless to say, I was not a happy mommy when I picked up. Nice. . . . .

Then as I was leaving from work to come home I noticed that I had another bladder infection coming on. It's only been a couple of weeks since I ditched the last one and they are so not fun. I get to the house after dealing with my son and went to the bathroom. Now we've gone from excruciating pain to pissing blood. All I have to say to that is Nice. . . . .

And to top all of it off, my mother found a lump on her neck a few weeks ago and I was just told about it on Thursday (Nice move guys) which she had to have surgery for on Thursday. They were doing testing on it to find out if it is a lymphoma or not and the results were due in at the beginning of this week. When I called my dad last night to ask him about the bleeding that I had, I asked if her results had come in. He told me that it wasn't lymphoma but that what they had tested did have cancer in it and that she will now have to have a PET scan which is a full body scan to find out where her body is producing the cancer from and get rid of it. I will not say that this is "Nice" because all this morning on the way in to work as I drove that's all I could think about. I think it was because it finally hit me this morning and I was very quiet and have kept to myself pretty much most of the day.

After the Nice evening that I had I finally admitted defeat and went to bed. I am sticking by my guns and looking for all of the positive things that I can in my day and have found them:

• I have antibiotics ordered so all of this useless pissing that hurts too much will go away by tonight plus the pills are free! Yay!
• At least my son didn't get hit by a car from yesterday's episode and after the talk that I had with him as well as the talk his dad had with him his tune changed quite a bit this morning so hopefully today was a better day for him.
• I didn't hear what I was expecting to hear about my mom but it could be a lot worse so worry about what the PET scan shows when it happens. No sense in creating an ulcer until the time calls for one.

Plus we have a vacation scheduled for the three of us. . . .I am so looking forward to that!

A Pig in Shit

Ever heard that expression as far as happiness is concerned? I have felt like that all weekend. I finally am where I want to be right now and Hubby and I are working diligently on it to make it work. Our son has calmed down, we spent some much needed time together alone quite a bit this weekend and just genuinely had a very nice and relaxing weekend.

However Hubby said over the weekend that he had told S to forget about him and move on. She asked why he was being mean and he asked if that was a mean statement. I didn't think so. When you break it off with someone it's best for a clean break I think. However, I think she's having a difficult time moving on. Calling and texting. . . always something or reason for the call or text. . . .I texted Hubby this morning asking for some gas money because I am broke until the end of the week. He had asked "What is it with you women and asking for money" in a joking money so he tells me that S had called and needed new tires for her car and couldn't get a hold of her dad to pay for them so Hubby helped her out and she's going to pay him back sometime this week. That just seems really weird to me but I can't really get mad because it's just. . . .weird. I was thinking to myself "What if Hubby wasn't around and you needed a tire? What would you do then?" Plus she called for a really weird reason yesterday too. I'm not going to go into what it was but it was weird too. Hubby had said he thought he had a stalker on his hands.

I don't think he wants to be too mean and say "hey look. . . ." I told him I thought she was sticking around in the event things went sour again with us and that way she wouldn't miss out. He definitely agreed with me. I told him that wasn't going to happen. . . . . . she'll be waiting a long time. I just hope she doesn't call for every little ache and pain, financial issue that crosses her path. Hubby had even said that he's only known her for a few months and for her to be that needy in a few months is kind of creepy. I so agree. But like I said, I'll give all of this time. Hubby had told me to trust him which is what I need to do. This is more of his mess to have to wrangle if it is a mess in the first place. I think it has the potential of being a mess and I'll trust him but I can't say that I trust her. She knows the choice he made and what he's wanting to do but I don't think she cares. . . . that's just me though.

Either wayI'm standing by guarded but still happy.

Negative People

Ya know. . . .I just don't get negative people. I mean I get them because I used to be that and I try really hard now not to be that way but I just don't understand why people find it so necessary to put so much effort into being mean and negative towards people, places and things that either don't concern them or things that they literally have no control over.

I'm tired of being negative. It's completely counterproductive and serves no purpose. Oh there's a time and a place to be pissed at stuff definitely but to be perpetually pissed all the time at stupid shit is just beyond me. For example, when I drive to work now I use my cruise control and go 60 which is the speed limit. I have cut my gas costs in half from $100 per week down to $50. People in STL drive crazy anyway and since I've started driving this way many people fly around me, get angry and are pretty belligerent. I don't do this in the passing lane because that would just be a fight waiting to happen not to mention just plain inconsiderate. I'm the one laughing all the way to the bank not to mention that I will never see any of these people again. So I ask, why put so much effort into something that really doesn't concern you? It's my right to drive that way, I'm being safe in my driving and if anything, it calms me down. I don't have to worry about who's flying up on my car because it will ALWAYS happen nor do I have to worry so much about the other cars and where they are going because I stay in the same lane. It gives me a half an hour to reflect on my day, listen to my music and look forward to coming home to my son and family. So what does that have to do with you? Nothing. . . absolutely nothing. Yet people still find time as well as the capacity to behave in this manner as though I will change my driving habits just to suit their needs.

I guess what being negative all boils down to is being self centered. Most people who are negative think that people go out of their way just to piss them off. How fruit is that? Or they jump the gun and think that things happen to them just to inconvenience their life? Who cares? My life is too short to care at this point. There's too many good things on this earth and things that could happen to me that are good for me to sit around and bitch about every little thing that is an imposition to either me or the things around me. From now on I'm going to find at least one good thing in everything that comes across my path.

Saying for the day: When I see a person who is negative think this: God put people such as you on this planet to make people such as myself look that much better.

Some of the Good Things

I really needed to write this post. This is a post that will remind me of all of the good things that has happened to Hubby and I and all of the good things that have to do with Hubby and the way we are.

Over the course of 8 going on 9 years, I have always focused on the bad things that took place with us and the good things always came with a "but". So not fair for both of us. It's no wonder why we didn't make it but life gives everyone a second chance and this is mine. I am learning that my mouth got me in a lot of trouble. Every time something petty came up, I was critical. Money, choices, words. . . .I always had a comment and usually didn't think before I shot off at the mouth to make my point heard. I have always prided myself on my opinion and most of the time it wasn't necessary to voice it because it wasn't asked for and it was usually hurtful. I'm learning that I need to think before I speak and listen more than I have in the past. So far this has saved quite a few unnecessary arguments which for the most part have all been unnecessary.

I have learned that Hubby has a lot to offer. He is a good provider to his family and to me. In the past, some people have told me that no he is not because his job is seasonal. I spent a lot of time defending him and coming up with reasons why it was okay that he works in the profession that he does. Fuck it. The people that were filling my head with filth that didn't even concern them nor did it directly affect them had no business telling me the bullshit that they did. At times financially it is frustrating for couples to deal with money and for myself I needed to vent. That is a new lesson that I have learned. Be grateful for what you have because someone else could have it and you could have nothing. It may not be what you think you should have but you could always have less. I have had less and having this chance is like a kid walking into a candy store with nothing and having a grown up hand them a fifty dollar bill just for being there to spend on whatever they want. Hubby also has an amazing sense of humor which helps when times are down and depressing. He always knows how to pick my spirits up and make me feel better when I am stressed or sad.

Hubby is also a great dad. Why? Because I said. . . and also because I've seen plenty of guys out there that had no business breeding but they did. Not to mention that I think no person who has no children or is directly related to that child has the right to judge whether or not someone is a good parent or not. Until you wake up every day like Scrooge in my shoes and walk through them, feed my kids chicken nuggets, make him clean up his room, wash his hair and have to deal with whether or not he had a good or bad day at school which is the same parallel thing that Hubby has to deal with, you are not allowed to be judge, jury and prosecutor.

Hubby is changing. . . all for the better for him and everyone around him. He is more patient and understanding. He is allowing me to say things with a grain of salt and listening more but I am trying to do that on my end too and picking and choosing what I say more carefully.

In closing, S asked that I be good to Hubby and not leave him and work our issues out. I didn't know (actually I did know what I wanted to say but there was way too much) what to say so I just "okay". When you have had to fight for the things that you love and I don't mean a shirt or a job but a family and your life, when you finally get the opportunity to vindicate yourself, you will do everything in your power to prove that the fight was worth it to everyone. I am making it a point to show Hubby that I am true to my word and that I will try my damnedest to rectify everything that has happened and occurred. Both of us have learned from all of this and everything that has happened in the past which is why the past will remain just that and not be brought up again.

Parting Ways

Last night I stopped by Hubby's house to visit before S came to get the last of her things and they could say their goodbye's to each other. Since the incident that happened over a week ago, I have managed to not see her or talk to her which is a good thing, not that I don't want to but I just didn't know what I would say and I also haven't had the time to create that dialog in my brain with all of the stuff that's been going on. Right now I can only focus on one thing at a time.

So last night our son and I were getting ready to leave, he was dealing me a fit and she pulled up. I talked with my son in the house for a little bit and then managed to get him out of the house. I went to the table on the patio and got a cigarette and looked over. She motioned for me to come to her and I did. She gave me a big hug and said she was sorry which I asked her for what. She had said everything. She and I talked for a long time. We talked about Hubby's and my situation, her situation, raising kids and making decisions. I told her one thing that was very important for me to tell her. First of all, she has lots of drama in her life. I told her last night that this was the only piece of advice that I could give her - "You will get to a certain point in your life where you will be so tired and sick of everything that is happening that you will no longer bitch about what is going on and letting silly shit happen. You will just do whatever is necessary to take care of getting that situation behind you so that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Even if you don't think you can do it, you will just find a way to do it and get it done."

S has a lot of things that she thinks she cannot overcome because she hasn't tried. You can't fail if you don't try. I think that Hubby gave me that advise. Some of the greatest advise has been given to me by that man. Advise is also a gift that should be cherished. Someone who is wiser and been through more is trying to give part of them self to you to help that person out. I don't have to give advise but most of the time it helps me too. It helps me give back to others that have given to me.

A Fresh Start

I finally heard the words that were music to my ears today - "We can start over"

Hubby and I have had a very turbulent couple of months. The ball has been in his court for some time now and I have been frustrated, impatient and worried that I would never have the opportunity try with my family ever again. It was a HUGE fear of mine that it would be lost forever and that I and my family would be grouped into the statistics of how 50% of all relationships fail and that it is very commonplace for children to grow up and deal with broken family's. I have worked so hard to stay, show my true emotions even when it was SOOOO not necessary and be honest about how I feel.

One of the things that I noticed last night when I was talking to my MIL was that I used to feel very inferior to Hubby by the way we talked to each other and how I took what he said to me literally. Since we have been talking, the way that he talks and interacts with me is much different than in the past. It is with more respect and regards to me as a person than before. It's almost like putting me on a pedestal and it makes me feel so important in his eyes and is such a wonderful feeling to have that. All I was asking for was a chance at another go at it with him and our son. I never expected to have this as an added bonus.

When I heard the words that I heard today I was absolutely elated and overjoyed. My morning had flown by due to workload. Now the rest of the day is absolutely dragging on because all I want to do is race to my son and get him and then race home and give Hubby the biggest kiss of his life. I know how I can screw this (my mouth and not thinking) and I know how to make this work (not pushing his buttons). As long as I focus on those things and both of us have agreed that we will NEVER bring all of this ugliness up again, nothing can stop us.

Very Good Weekend

I had a very good weekend. Granted there was some drama that for once was not my doing but on a whole, it was a great weekend for Hubby, the boy and I.

We didn't have any cross words between the two of us, we spent time together as a family and as a couple and just regularly enjoyed being around each other. There's some other goofy stuff going on that I won't get into right now but for now I am taking each day as it comes and being grateful for the goodness that each one brings. Some things are not so good and I am looking for all of the positive things that are within those things so that they don't seem so bad and overwhelming. So far this tactic has worked and helped me keep my sanity and keep things in perspective. It's helped me to help myself and in turn I've been able to help those around me.

I have realized just how important my family is to me. Spending time with them this weekend and seeing the love between Hubby and our son is amazing and powerful not to mention when you get all three of us together, I was noticing that it's almost overwhelming the feelings that I get. It gives me hope that we will all make it and that everything will be okay. I hope there are more weekends and eventually weeks like this to come in the future.

The Boulder has Lifted at Least for Now

Last night I talked with Hubby when I got off of work about what had happened on Sunday a little bit. I remembered my post about clarity and made sure that everything that I wanted to tell him was very clear. As much as I wanted to tell him "I can't wait to start over again and please take me back because I love you more than sliced bread" I had to remember my sanity and how I lost it on Sunday.

I told him that I thought what had happened on Sunday had to do with the medication that I had been prescribed. He agreed. That was a HUGE weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. I thought all week that he was taking it personally what had happened and it was like forgiveness for me to hear him agree with me. I also told him that as much as I love him and want things to work out, for my own sanity, I can't do that with another individual hanging around. He had said that he was waiting for me to say one phrase - Everything is going to be okay. I felt for him because I know that feeling and I also know that he'd scared right now. I know he is worried that I'm going to book, things won't be the same with us, things won't work out, I don't love him, etc. These are all "what-if's" that if you dwell on them too long they will drive you absolutely mad. I did that for a while with us just recently trying to answer my own questions and I never got the answers.

Hubby told me that he loves me and always will and is completely lost without me. He told me that he didn't think things would work with him and S but needed to get some things out of the way and that she has way too many issues and drama for his liking. I told him to do what he needed to do and that he knew where I was and what I wanted. When that time came to let me know but until then, I had to keep my distance just for my own sanity. The strangest thing about all of this is for the longest time, I had such a dislike for this woman and after talking to him last night I really could care a less about what happens to her or where she goes or what she does. It just doesn't really bother me anymore I think mostly because I know deep down in my heart how he feels. We both agreed that he, I and our son is our life. . . . nothing more and that it has all been ripped apart and will take a while to piece back together.

All of this will take time. . . .the one thing that I just love so much but right now that's the one thing I have working in my favor. Today has been another good day so far! Maybe he and I will do some more talking tonight. . . .

Clarity

It's getting to the point where I write and forget to put something in and have to write a second post. Oh well. . . .I don't think anyone is reading these anyway.

I titled this post what I did because through everything that has happened, so many shades of gray have presented themselves and no "black" or "white" issues have either been resolved or discussed. The infamous "I don't know" has been on the back, front and side burner of the stove and everyone unfortunately has gotten burned because of it. I have sit back for a while now and knew what my intentions were and what I wanted. There was no "I want you and then I'm going to leave" even though I did it twice before and reason why I say that is because if I had to go through this from leaving it isn't worth it to any of us if I were to leave. I felt on trial for the longest time and for what? Nothing. I feel as though everything that I said and did was for nothing. See I thought that if I told Hubby how I really felt and showed him that I really and truly do love him that he would understand. Now that I look back on it, I don't think that he was even able to pay attention long enough to see where I was coming from let alone make a decision on how to deal with what I was throwing in his direction and I don't mean a hammer either.

"I don't know. . . . " ever heard the saying of not making a decision is the same as making one? Hubby had a choice to make between two women and not having the clarity of knowing which one that would be was maddening. Not knowing and having the clarity of what he was telling her would be the future was maddening. This is what I'm talking about with shades of gray. She may have been told plenty of "black" and "white" stories but I didn't know what was to come next or where I stood. Every day I was just hoping for an hour or two alone with him to be able to have a chance. What kind of life is that? That is someone in love. That is someone who is in a little boat in a vast sea hoping for some help and seeing nothing. Oh I felt things from Hubby and "interpreted" different things that he told me that made me feel good but did he mean it? Deep down inside I think he did.

That's why I titled this post "Clarity". I have taken clarity for granted my whole life. It is so important to say what you mean and not what you think that someone wants to hear. Even if it takes you three hours to spit it out it is better than saying something you don't mean just because you can't face the other person's reaction. Being clear about how you feel and being clear about your intentions are so important. That is something that I can see as clear as day right now. Before I was too preoccupied with whether or not Hubby was going to "choose" or not to know what was going on. I always had that little glimmer of hope that he was going to come riding in on a horse and say "nightmare is all gone honey. . . .let's go home" but it never happened. Now I don't know what I have. . . . clarity again. . . .the easiest way to deal with that is to put it in simplest terms. I have a roof over my head, a job and children. The other things will come given time if it is in my future but for now it is not sad as it sounds.

Another Day of Betterness

Even though my son threw up in the bed that we were sleeping in last night at 11pm from coughing, yesterday was another good day. Yeah, like "betterness" is a word but I'll use it for now.

Hubby had to go to work early this morning so he asked if I wanted our son to spend the night. Why would I argue? It's time I get to spend with him and he is such a trip. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are a riot but at being 5 years old, what do you expect?

Last night I made dinner for the boy, ate half a sandwich and popped a beer and folded laundry. Made deals with my boy about eating ice cream and taking a shower and just did the mom thing last night. I was scurrying about the house getting stuff done when I saw my phone and went to put it on the charger when I saw that I had a missed text. Hubby had texted me just minutes previously and asked what I was doing. God did that throw me off. Was he completely drunk? I didn't care and took it and responded modestly with showering the boy and folding clothes. I didn't want to mess this up too much and was just grateful that he was talking to me. We texted back and forth a couple of times throughout the evening and our son called him before we went to bed. I read him a book about Christmas and puppies and he fell asleep immediately afterwards. I fell asleep too right away.

Just knowing that you're worth talking to for a brief minute helped me to sleep too. I didn't feel so worthless. . . .today will be a better day I think as well.

Slow day and driving me nuts!

I am having a slow day at work today which doesn't help the brain. They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Well I'm sure that Satan is having a field day in mine today but I'm trying to think good things as hard as it may be.

I wrote earlier today and needed to get more out I think.

Through all of this turmoil that we've been through, I've lost friends. . . . what few that I have had, I have lost them all. My one friend who was Hubby was the last and I don't know how to take it but if I were to tell him how I felt now, alone and isolated I know he would tell me that I shouldn't have done what I did. True, I shouldn't have done what I did. I also shouldn't have been prescribed what I had been but I don't think anyone knew that until it was too late. Why is it that everyone that I have talked to about this medicine understands except for Hubby? I'm also afraid to ask him if he understands or even cares because I don't think that he does. He had told me that if I had another seizure that he wouldn't care, that he didn't love me, didn't care what happened to me, knew that I didn't love him (which isn't true by a long shot but that's just me talking) and some other things that cut deep to the core but I can't remember.

Point being is that we have said we are friends and I have FELT that we are friends. . . best of friends through all of this. Some of the time things have felt "off" or not quite right and I couldn't put my finger on it as far as the vibes I was getting from him after I left but now there is literally nothing. No kind words, no love, no niceness at all. Just nothing but hate from his end. I have never felt so much hate from one person before in my entire life directed right at me. It's bad enough to have lost him as a mate - fine and now to loose him as a friend is even worse but to absolutely hate the blood that courses through my veins is beyond taking him just not loving me anymore. I can't handle having just about anyone hating me. . . well that's not true because most people I could care a less if they hated me because most people don't know me that well but he is a different story. I can't even remember if I KNOW anyone that has hated me in my lifetime. Why does hate feel as awful as love feels awesome? Hate is the most horrible feeling in the world not to mention it is so ugly and does nothing but harm. I spent so much of my life disliking people but not "hating" them. There were only I think about 3 people in my life that I hated and I think now I will let it go after all of this. . . .I learned my lesson on that one.

People make mistakes and I made a grave and awful one. . .one that I do not think I will ever be able to make up nor be forgiven for. Because of that, I am afraid to ask for forgiveness and can barely talk to Hubby without him getting absolutely furious with me for whatever it is that I say. It is driving me nuts to not be forgiven. I'm not asking him to tell me that it was "okay" what I did but to just fucking forgive me. I have to deal with the fact that I have lost him as a soul mate and that we are strictly just dealing with each other as parents. I have no idea how he feels that his best friend attacked him and destroyed his new truck or that he no longer wants to deal with me. His mother said that she thought it scared him what he saw on Sunday. It probably did and with our son being there when it happened I'm sure he didn't know what to think. My son talked to me after all of that happened and told me that hitting was wrong and a big no-no and to never do it again.

I will just say this, through our relationship of 8 years, Hubby has done things that I have stuck by him and have hurt me so much. I didn't say anything to him at the time about it, was angry and then had to forgive him because I love him even though at times it would happen over and over again but I still forgave him. I just hope that one day he will forgive me for the awful things that I've done. . . .

Each Day

Yesterday was a good day for me. I have to take each one as they come right now.

Even being a good day yesterday, Hubby and I had a difficult time communicating yesterday. We did more of it but he was very angry and cold with me either on the phone or while texting. At one point in time he said something to me that I didn't know the answer to, said he wasn't going to sit on the phone while I sat all quiet so I didn't know what to do and hung up the phone. Next thing that came was a text on my phone from him asking if I wanted him to fuck me up and not to ever hang up on him again. It is going to take so long for his hatred towards me to subside and I know most people would say "Why do you even care?"

Because of our son.

I told him yesterday that if this is going to work for our boy that we have to try not to be so angry. He thought I was joking. I know he is furious with me and there's nothing I can do to change that but it's not helping the situation with our son. Hubby has had anger issues since I left and had told me (before the incident on Sunday) that he was just looking for a reason to "fuck someone up". He was telling me about S's ex at the time and how he had talked with him on the phone. To be honest with you, I don't know why he didn't lay me out on Sunday. If he did, I would be either in the hospital right now or dead. He makes more than 2 of me and is strong. Since I've lost so much weight and wasn't in my right mind, it wouldn't have taken much for anyone, let alone him to do some serious damage.

What I have to deal with now is the hate. When he speaks to me it is with such a loathing tone and such a hate filled pitch. . . like he can't even stand to talk to me. He told me yesterday that he can't even stand to look at me. What do you say to that? Okay? I had to. Nothing else to say. I can't fight anymore for my own well being so every word I speak to him now or text to him is like walking on eggshells. When I hung up on him yesterday, I apologized because honestly I didn't know what to say, froze and hung up. I've done the wrong things for so long, made the wrong choices without thinking and this is where most of it has gotten me. He made a comment yesterday as I was taking our son up to the house about how everything can't get much more fucked up because our son couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to go or not with me. Yeah, I'd agree. It can't get much worse than this.

There is a song by KORN called "Right Now" that before all of this happened, I had told him reminded me of how he feels about me. He told me at the time that no he doesn't hate me at all. I think if I asked him today, he would probably start singing the song to me.

The good parts of yesterday. . . .I picked our son up from Hubby yesterday and had him spend the night with me. We had dinner together, watched TV together, played together, went for a walk outside together, gave him a bath and put him to bed. He slept in bed with me last night and it was the best that I've slept in about a week and a half. Spending time with him felt so good and watching him made me realize that I left something and did something that was so detrimental that I hope that it doesn't cause any damage to our son. (I call him "our" because I didn't do it all by myself) Make it right, make it right, make it right. That's all I keep playing in my head.

How do you do that when you don't know where to start? I guess that's why I titled this post what I did.

All downhill from here

I saw a psychologist last night. . . a woman who is in her 60's. I found her on my own and was the second choice from my initial first. My gut said no on the first so don't ask.

I really like this woman. She asked a bunch of questions and we talked and she gave much needed advise. I told her about the medication that I was on and one of her strengths is dealing with people who have various medical conditions such as myself and with medications. She and I talked about the importance of watching what medications are put into an ecliptic's body. She also told me something that put my mind at ease more than most doctors have in a long time:

Epileptics tend to get angrier easier, cry easier and get happy easier - it's a known study.

I have not taken my Zoloft today and feel fine. I do not feel like a crazy person and feel as though I can think on my own. I don't have all kinds of weird thoughts going through my head and am focusing on my kids right now. Each day I have to find out how I can interact more with my son because right now I am severely limited on when and how long if at all the time that I can spend with him because of everything that has happened.

Hubby has made it very clear that our relationship is strictly parental based. That is still very hard for me to deal with but it's something that I have to accept. What is really hard to accept is when we do talk about our son in the small conversations that we have, he is very cold and short on the phone. I don't even have conversations with strangers like that on the phone but then again I didn't do what I did to him to a stranger. One by one my friend support system has vanished so maybe it's a good thing that some of this has come about.

Each day can only get better than the first now that it's behind me and I need to focus on myself and my kids.

Don't know where to begin. .. .

This story is long and complicated so I will keep it short.

The doctor put me on Zoloft to help with depression and on Ambien to help with sleeping. Sometimes the Ambien works sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I don't like the Zoloft. I don't like how it makes me feel and act and think. I don't feel like me and I don't feel like I know the people around me. The only thing different now is that I'm not crying. . . . .

I have an anger disorder which I've had for the majority of my life. I don't tell a lot of people about it because most of them laugh when I tell them so I just kept it to myself. I have spent my whole life overcoming it up until yesterday. Yesterday, I had something in my that I couldn't identify with except for when I was a teenager. It hurt and burned so deep and had no reasoning behind it just nothing but hurt which is extremely dangerous. All I wanted to do was destroy something, hurt it, hit something so that something else hurt as much as I did. So I not only hit Hubby but I threw a hammer at him and then kicked the side of his brand new truck about 6 times. I dented his truck door and probably did about $600 dollars worth of damage to it.

Reason for all of this?

I can't let go and move on.

I can't deal with Hubby being with another woman. I can't let go of my family and I can't let go of the fact that I have lost. I have lost so much that it hurts to the point where I can't see the good things in my life which is what I have to start doing which is starting with my kids. My kids are the most important thing to me in my life right now and always will be. How and why I lost sight of that, I could kick my own ass for loosing it.

Today was the first day and it was hard. I have more ahead of me which is not what I was saying last night. I have someone that I am seeing this evening that will help me work through my problems so I hope that everything works out. I'm tired of being upset, watching my kids from afar and not enjoying things that God put on this earth for all of us to enjoy. It can only get better.

Dr. Appointment

I have put in calls to my doctor this morning at 9a and at 11:30a to call me to make an appointment. I haven't gotten a call back and I need him to check me to make sure that I'm okay and nothing is majorly wrong. There's a number of symptoms that I have that have been all of a sudden within the past 2 months that are of a major concern to me and I want to make sure that it's taken care of before I become hospitalized if that is the case. . . .I'll just say that.

Home life has gotten not so much for the better and some for the better. . . .

I have to make sure my health is taken care first.

Loss of Sleep - Ugh. . . .

I got no sleep at all last night. That was after taking 2 Tylenol PM's knowing that I would probably not sleep well. I didn't think that I wouldn't be able to sleep at all though. At around 1am this morning I broke out in a drenched sweat and rolled from one side to the other all night.

The only time I sleep well is when Hubby is there.

I haven't slept well since I left. I've woke up at least 3-4 times a night unless I sleep down at the house with him. I feel like Linus who needs his big blue blanket and sucks his thumb.

I've tried drinking before I go to bed, that doesn't work. I've tried prescription tranquilizers and I still wake up even when I up the dosage. The last time that I didn't sleep through the night at all, I ended up at Hubby's house at 3 in the morning and tried to kick his ass, tore up the front patio and scared everyone including myself half to death. It took me 10 minutes afterwards to stop breathing hard that night or morning however you want to look at it. I literally went insane that night and know why. . . .

I can't shut my brain off, period.

I ask for things to do at work throughout the day to distract myself. When I get home, I am constantly cleaning or doing things to release my brain from thinking. Every night when I go to sleep I think and think and think. Last night I told myself to shut up and stop thinking but it didn't work. My brain is a mass of jelly right now.

So what do I think about?

Hmmmmm. . . . current situation which is getting worse and deeper by each passing day. I write in this blog to release what is in me. It's like purging for me right now. Half of this shit I can't dump or unload on anyone not to mention that there is nobody there for me to dump on and I wouldn't be able to do ALL of that to another human being. There's just too much there.

So, last night I came home and tried to explain to Hubby that I'm spent, tired, need help and cried. He told me to be strong. I told him that I was trying. Every day I try and get exhausted by the end of the day which usually ends up being the hardest. I rush home for more beatings to either spend time with our son and with Hubby. I can't have a conversation go by with him without hearing about something having to do with the current situation that S is in or going through or whatever. I don't mean to be cold but I'm not seeing her and I am not friends with her. I am dealing with what is left of our family and myself. I don't have the capacity to deal with what is going on in her personal life outside of Hubby. I went to the store last night to pick up some things and when I came back she was there and Hubby had told me a bit ago that if it bothered me so much not to look so I didn't. I didn't say much and dropped off what I picked up for him and glanced. She had said nothing to me as I had to her when I came up but the look on her face when I glanced at her was very interesting. . . .

Women.

Funny thing about women is that they are caddy, emotional, irrational and for me, very easy to read. It may take me a while to pick it out right away but that is how I am. My statement that I just made was not directed at S because I know ALL women are like this, count me in as well since I fall into that category. I know that I am all of the above. I also know that when you ask me where I'm coming from there are no guessing games. Most people that are around me know how I feel unfortunately, blame it on my mom if you want to. My mom told it like it was with no bullshit mixed in and led a hard life. I have not led the life that my mom had led but it's been no easy path. Point being that when I saw the look on S's face at the short look that I took of her last night was one that I will have imprinted in my brain for a long time. It was not a look of happiness or friendliness. She and I have not talked all that much nor do I know her. The look on her face was cold and one of intimidation. She was standing in front of her car smoking a cigarette with her side to Hubby. Hubby was looking at me as I walked his things to him and he told me to put them in the carport. In between that short conversation that he and I had where he was looking at me was when I glanced and saw. . . .

You can call me cold and untrustworthy and guarded. I'm just having to protect myself right now from getting anymore hurt.

One more for the day

I had to write again because I've had a day from hell not to mention that I'm sure that everyone else has too who is around me.

I beat myself up and I know that. I've done it for a long time if not my whole life. Through all of this I have beat myself up and asked Hubby for forgiveness. So much has been said that I don't know if in the flurry of words, arguments, ugly sayings and hurt if he did say he did or not. I have been walking on eggshells through all of this hoping that I don't say the wrong thing, hoping that I don't do the wrong thing. . . . hope, hope, hope.

Hurt right now doesn't even qualify the feelings that I have inside and I now know what Hubby felt like when I left him. I think that I've known that for a little bit but just couldn't identify it. The feeling of not having someone love you anymore is the most unbearable feeling in the world especially when you love that person so much that you would do beyond anything for them. . . even let them go. Crying does no good in this situation and that's all I can do is cry. I may cry my whole life about this and continue to beat myself up over all of this.

All I keep saying is I don't know what to do or what else to do because I can barely make decisions on my own at this point in time in my life. All I do know is that I need some serious help and I don't know what or who I am going home to tonight. I do know that my son won't be there though. I feel like everything has been completely and utterly lost and it is all my fault. . . .every last bit of it.