Pulling my Hair Out

Hello all. . . .

I haven't been on in a while due to the fact that the company that I worked for had a massive layoff of quite a few people and as a result of it, my position was eliminated. This all happened in July.

So you might ask "why Issy! I thought you would be happy?" Finding a job in the line of work that I am in is not as easy as it sounds. There are more and more people who are doing their own admin duties and cutting out the middle person who would be me. Not to mention that finding a job and going about it on the internet is WAY different than it was about 17 years ago.

So now I'm in a state of flux trying to figure out where the money is going to come from, how my son will get health insurance (I'm not even worried about me at the moment), not to mention personal things although the only thing that is going fantastic is my relationship with Hubby and the boy. My mom is another worry as I found out she has the big C on the day that I was laid off and she just start her treatments last week and it is making her really sick.

Oh well. . . everyone just wish me luck on finding something and hopfully something will come through on all ends.

Holiday Weekend

I had a good holiday weekend with my family. Lots of drinking and eating. . . . up until yesterday.

I got paid yesterday and had a lot of catching up to do on various things such as gas, washing the car, getting laundry detergent, etc. So I ran out to get a BUNCH of stuff done. I was gone for about 4 hours and when I got back, Hubby was texting AGAIN. Hadn't heard from him while I was gone. Guess I'm not that interesting.

So yeah, when I got back I copped an attitude because most of the evening we didn't really have any type of conversation. If I wanted a conversation then I texted him which at one point I asked him that if I asked him if he would go to Vegas with me would he go. He texted yes and then said to me "you don't want to marry me". I was so frustrated and aggravated that I just went outside to smoke. Most of his conversing with with S in the form of a text. It's so annoying when you want to spend time with someone and you are constantly getting interrupted by someone else.

Plus on top of it, I texted her this weekend to see how the concert that she went to was going. She said she didn't know me, called me to reinforce that she didn't know me and then Hubby got pissed at me for doing it. What the fuck? Then he tells me never to do it again. Fine I'm now 3 years old. . . put me in the damn corner. I did it to try to ease the tension that I had towards her and I thought it would help. Apparently it did not.

So last night everything came to a head and I called her a bunch of names. Hubby was very upset with me. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not enough for him, I'm sorry that it's hard for him to understand that we can't work on us with a fucking three ring circus going on and I'm sorry that if I have to share my life with him that I'm not willing to share it with her too. I guess I'm just not being flexible enough.

All I want is to be left alone. . . .Hubby told me that if I want to die alone, bitter and old that was my choice. I want to be left alone with my family but I don't think Hubby knows how to let go. Oh well. He can be alone too. Can you tell I'm not making any sense? I didn't get any sleep last night. . . here we go again.

Kids and God

Yesterday we told our 5 year old if he was good at daycare we would get some fireworks and shot them off for him. He was good, got him dinner, showered him and waited for it to get dark. Just as it got dark, a hellacious storm rolled in. . . .

He was in the shower when it came so he came running out in our family room butt naked and dripping wet with the front door open. He was so upset and perplexed that it was storming because "how are we going to do fireworks????" So I asked him to talk to God about it. So this little boy stands in front of the front door while it is storming, naked none the less, and starts talking to God like he is an old friend that he's known for years. He tells him that he wants to shoot off fireworks but it's raining and that God has a big mess to clean up now. Then he invites God to come over and spend the night and apparently God had responded to his questions of whether or not it would stop raining. He told us that God had said "not just yet".

Hubby and I were sitting on the sofa while all of this was going on in awe. There were a few times that I had to put my hand over my mouth because I didn't want him to see me giggle because he was being so cute and wasn't meaning to. Hubby said "I don't care who you are. There is nothing more Innocent and pure than that right there. A child genuinely talking to God is one of the greatest things. . . ." He must have talked to his "old" friend for 5 minutes straight.

Life on the Farm

Last night I was outside enjoying the nice weather. Let me just explain that we have two dogs that are outside dogs and have been for years. While I was outside I heard one dog barking in an odd manner to the point where it didn't sound like one of ours. So I went in their pen and one of the dogs greeted me. The other one was panting and laying by the fence and made no move to come greet me.

When I came up to her (the one by the fence) it was absolutely awful. The smell was so bad and she was in awful pain. She had a tumor for some time now about the size of two softballs on her back leg and it finally burst. As nature would have it with her being old, nature sent in every insect it could find to start the decaying process. She was dying a slow and painful death.

I went to the house and told Hubby to take a look at her and he told me to call his dad and to bring a gun down with him. Living on a farm, you don't let animals suffer and all of them are or have been buried on the property. Everything from cats to horses. Also living on a farm each one of us has a job or role to play in taking care of stuff. My job was to watch the front door to make sure our son didn't come out while this was going on. My FIL's job was to shoot her which I cried when it happened and Hubby's job was to carry her to where they were going to bury her and dig the hole. Also living on a farm out in the country you have to make sure that it's in plastic and that lime is in with it or else in the middle of the night scavenger animals will find it, dig it up and create more of a mess than if you just left the poor animal lying where it died.

I've learned a lot about being on a farm from my in laws and from Hubby. Things I've been sheltered from by living in the county. Not all of it is pleasant but sometimes it is. The things that aren't pleasant are usually just "necessary" that most people take for granted or have someone that they call to take care of it for them. The good things though are really good like having a lot of space between you and your neighbors, being able to walk out in the middle of the night butt naked if you want to, growing your own produce and dairy products and having enough space to make changes if you wanted to. I like living on a farm. I got away from it for a brief period of time and not only did I miss it terribly but realized that I do not like city life and don't think I will ever be able to go back to that.

Am I happy with where I am today? Yes. I asked Hubby that yesterday and he said he was as well. We are going to get fireworks (another plus of living in the country) and we are going to celebrate tonight with our son until Sunday evening!

Nice. . . . .

Yesterday and last night had the potential or should I just come out and say it, just fell apart. But luckily it wasn't with Hubby and I. That is one issue that I know how to make it fall apart and didn't want that to happen. . . we've worked WAY too hard.

Last night I went to pick up our son. Seems that he thought it was okay to run past a parent when they were picking up their child and out into a field. The teachers had to chase after him and then he proceeded to produce his little horns and tail and spit, kick and hit them as they corralled him back to the facility. Needless to say, I was not a happy mommy when I picked up. Nice. . . . .

Then as I was leaving from work to come home I noticed that I had another bladder infection coming on. It's only been a couple of weeks since I ditched the last one and they are so not fun. I get to the house after dealing with my son and went to the bathroom. Now we've gone from excruciating pain to pissing blood. All I have to say to that is Nice. . . . .

And to top all of it off, my mother found a lump on her neck a few weeks ago and I was just told about it on Thursday (Nice move guys) which she had to have surgery for on Thursday. They were doing testing on it to find out if it is a lymphoma or not and the results were due in at the beginning of this week. When I called my dad last night to ask him about the bleeding that I had, I asked if her results had come in. He told me that it wasn't lymphoma but that what they had tested did have cancer in it and that she will now have to have a PET scan which is a full body scan to find out where her body is producing the cancer from and get rid of it. I will not say that this is "Nice" because all this morning on the way in to work as I drove that's all I could think about. I think it was because it finally hit me this morning and I was very quiet and have kept to myself pretty much most of the day.

After the Nice evening that I had I finally admitted defeat and went to bed. I am sticking by my guns and looking for all of the positive things that I can in my day and have found them:

• I have antibiotics ordered so all of this useless pissing that hurts too much will go away by tonight plus the pills are free! Yay!
• At least my son didn't get hit by a car from yesterday's episode and after the talk that I had with him as well as the talk his dad had with him his tune changed quite a bit this morning so hopefully today was a better day for him.
• I didn't hear what I was expecting to hear about my mom but it could be a lot worse so worry about what the PET scan shows when it happens. No sense in creating an ulcer until the time calls for one.

Plus we have a vacation scheduled for the three of us. . . .I am so looking forward to that!

A Pig in Shit

Ever heard that expression as far as happiness is concerned? I have felt like that all weekend. I finally am where I want to be right now and Hubby and I are working diligently on it to make it work. Our son has calmed down, we spent some much needed time together alone quite a bit this weekend and just genuinely had a very nice and relaxing weekend.

However Hubby said over the weekend that he had told S to forget about him and move on. She asked why he was being mean and he asked if that was a mean statement. I didn't think so. When you break it off with someone it's best for a clean break I think. However, I think she's having a difficult time moving on. Calling and texting. . . always something or reason for the call or text. . . .I texted Hubby this morning asking for some gas money because I am broke until the end of the week. He had asked "What is it with you women and asking for money" in a joking money so he tells me that S had called and needed new tires for her car and couldn't get a hold of her dad to pay for them so Hubby helped her out and she's going to pay him back sometime this week. That just seems really weird to me but I can't really get mad because it's just. . . .weird. I was thinking to myself "What if Hubby wasn't around and you needed a tire? What would you do then?" Plus she called for a really weird reason yesterday too. I'm not going to go into what it was but it was weird too. Hubby had said he thought he had a stalker on his hands.

I don't think he wants to be too mean and say "hey look. . . ." I told him I thought she was sticking around in the event things went sour again with us and that way she wouldn't miss out. He definitely agreed with me. I told him that wasn't going to happen. . . . . . she'll be waiting a long time. I just hope she doesn't call for every little ache and pain, financial issue that crosses her path. Hubby had even said that he's only known her for a few months and for her to be that needy in a few months is kind of creepy. I so agree. But like I said, I'll give all of this time. Hubby had told me to trust him which is what I need to do. This is more of his mess to have to wrangle if it is a mess in the first place. I think it has the potential of being a mess and I'll trust him but I can't say that I trust her. She knows the choice he made and what he's wanting to do but I don't think she cares. . . . that's just me though.

Either wayI'm standing by guarded but still happy.

Negative People

Ya know. . . .I just don't get negative people. I mean I get them because I used to be that and I try really hard now not to be that way but I just don't understand why people find it so necessary to put so much effort into being mean and negative towards people, places and things that either don't concern them or things that they literally have no control over.

I'm tired of being negative. It's completely counterproductive and serves no purpose. Oh there's a time and a place to be pissed at stuff definitely but to be perpetually pissed all the time at stupid shit is just beyond me. For example, when I drive to work now I use my cruise control and go 60 which is the speed limit. I have cut my gas costs in half from $100 per week down to $50. People in STL drive crazy anyway and since I've started driving this way many people fly around me, get angry and are pretty belligerent. I don't do this in the passing lane because that would just be a fight waiting to happen not to mention just plain inconsiderate. I'm the one laughing all the way to the bank not to mention that I will never see any of these people again. So I ask, why put so much effort into something that really doesn't concern you? It's my right to drive that way, I'm being safe in my driving and if anything, it calms me down. I don't have to worry about who's flying up on my car because it will ALWAYS happen nor do I have to worry so much about the other cars and where they are going because I stay in the same lane. It gives me a half an hour to reflect on my day, listen to my music and look forward to coming home to my son and family. So what does that have to do with you? Nothing. . . absolutely nothing. Yet people still find time as well as the capacity to behave in this manner as though I will change my driving habits just to suit their needs.

I guess what being negative all boils down to is being self centered. Most people who are negative think that people go out of their way just to piss them off. How fruit is that? Or they jump the gun and think that things happen to them just to inconvenience their life? Who cares? My life is too short to care at this point. There's too many good things on this earth and things that could happen to me that are good for me to sit around and bitch about every little thing that is an imposition to either me or the things around me. From now on I'm going to find at least one good thing in everything that comes across my path.

Saying for the day: When I see a person who is negative think this: God put people such as you on this planet to make people such as myself look that much better.