Issy's Room

Pulling my Hair Out

2008-09-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hello all. . . .

I haven't been on in a while due to the fact that the company that I worked for had a massive layoff of quite a few people and as a result of it, my position was eliminated. This all happened in July.

So you might ask "why Issy! I thought you would be happy?" Finding a job in the line of work that I am in is not as easy as it sounds. There are more and more people who are doing their own admin duties and cutting out the middle person who would be me. Not to mention that finding a job and going about it on the internet is WAY different than it was about 17 years ago.

So now I'm in a state of flux trying to figure out where the money is going to come from, how my son will get health insurance (I'm not even worried about me at the moment), not to mention personal things although the only thing that is going fantastic is my relationship with Hubby and the boy. My mom is another worry as I found out she has the big C on the day that I was laid off and she just start her treatments last week and it is making her really sick.

Oh well. . . everyone just wish me luck on finding something and hopfully something will come through on all ends.

Holiday Weekend

2008-07-07T06:37:00.001-07:00

I had a good holiday weekend with my family. Lots of drinking and eating. . . . up until yesterday.

I got paid yesterday and had a lot of catching up to do on various things such as gas, washing the car, getting laundry detergent, etc. So I ran out to get a BUNCH of stuff done. I was gone for about 4 hours and when I got back, Hubby was texting AGAIN. Hadn't heard from him while I was gone. Guess I'm not that interesting.

So yeah, when I got back I copped an attitude because most of the evening we didn't really have any type of conversation. If I wanted a conversation then I texted him which at one point I asked him that if I asked him if he would go to Vegas with me would he go. He texted yes and then said to me "you don't want to marry me". I was so frustrated and aggravated that I just went outside to smoke. Most of his conversing with with S in the form of a text. It's so annoying when you want to spend time with someone and you are constantly getting interrupted by someone else.

Plus on top of it, I texted her this weekend to see how the concert that she went to was going. She said she didn't know me, called me to reinforce that she didn't know me and then Hubby got pissed at me for doing it. What the fuck? Then he tells me never to do it again. Fine I'm now 3 years old. . . put me in the damn corner. I did it to try to ease the tension that I had towards her and I thought it would help. Apparently it did not.

So last night everything came to a head and I called her a bunch of names. Hubby was very upset with me. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not enough for him, I'm sorry that it's hard for him to understand that we can't work on us with a fucking three ring circus going on and I'm sorry that if I have to share my life with him that I'm not willing to share it with her too. I guess I'm just not being flexible enough.

All I want is to be left alone. . . .Hubby told me that if I want to die alone, bitter and old that was my choice. I want to be left alone with my family but I don't think Hubby knows how to let go. Oh well. He can be alone too. Can you tell I'm not making any sense? I didn't get any sleep last night. . . here we go again.

Kids and God

2008-07-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we told our 5 year old if he was good at daycare we would get some fireworks and shot them off for him. He was good, got him dinner, showered him and waited for it to get dark. Just as it got dark, a hellacious storm rolled in. . . .

He was in the shower when it came so he came running out in our family room butt naked and dripping wet with the front door open. He was so upset and perplexed that it was storming because "how are we going to do fireworks????" So I asked him to talk to God about it. So this little boy stands in front of the front door while it is storming, naked none the less, and starts talking to God like he is an old friend that he's known for years. He tells him that he wants to shoot off fireworks but it's raining and that God has a big mess to clean up now. Then he invites God to come over and spend the night and apparently God had responded to his questions of whether or not it would stop raining. He told us that God had said "not just yet".

Hubby and I were sitting on the sofa while all of this was going on in awe. There were a few times that I had to put my hand over my mouth because I didn't want him to see me giggle because he was being so cute and wasn't meaning to. Hubby said "I don't care who you are. There is nothing more Innocent and pure than that right there. A child genuinely talking to God is one of the greatest things. . . ." He must have talked to his "old" friend for 5 minutes straight.

Life on the Farm

2008-07-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I was outside enjoying the nice weather. Let me just explain that we have two dogs that are outside dogs and have been for years. While I was outside I heard one dog barking in an odd manner to the point where it didn't sound like one of ours. So I went in their pen and one of the dogs greeted me. The other one was panting and laying by the fence and made no move to come greet me.

When I came up to her (the one by the fence) it was absolutely awful. The smell was so bad and she was in awful pain. She had a tumor for some time now about the size of two softballs on her back leg and it finally burst. As nature would have it with her being old, nature sent in every insect it could find to start the decaying process. She was dying a slow and painful death.

I went to the house and told Hubby to take a look at her and he told me to call his dad and to bring a gun down with him. Living on a farm, you don't let animals suffer and all of them are or have been buried on the property. Everything from cats to horses. Also living on a farm each one of us has a job or role to play in taking care of stuff. My job was to watch the front door to make sure our son didn't come out while this was going on. My FIL's job was to shoot her which I cried when it happened and Hubby's job was to carry her to where they were going to bury her and dig the hole. Also living on a farm out in the country you have to make sure that it's in plastic and that lime is in with it or else in the middle of the night scavenger animals will find it, dig it up and create more of a mess than if you just left the poor animal lying where it died.

I've learned a lot about being on a farm from my in laws and from Hubby. Things I've been sheltered from by living in the county. Not all of it is pleasant but sometimes it is. The things that aren't pleasant are usually just "necessary" that most people take for granted or have someone that they call to take care of it for them. The good things though are really good like having a lot of space between you and your neighbors, being able to walk out in the middle of the night butt naked if you want to, growing your own produce and dairy products and having enough space to make changes if you wanted to. I like living on a farm. I got away from it for a brief period of time and not only did I miss it terribly but realized that I do not like city life and don't think I will ever be able to go back to that.

Am I happy with where I am today? Yes. I asked Hubby that yesterday and he said he was as well. We are going to get fireworks (another plus of living in the country) and we are going to celebrate tonight with our son until Sunday evening!

Nice. . . . .

2008-07-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and last night had the potential or should I just come out and say it, just fell apart. But luckily it wasn't with Hubby and I. That is one issue that I know how to make it fall apart and didn't want that to happen. . . we've worked WAY too hard.

Last night I went to pick up our son. Seems that he thought it was okay to run past a parent when they were picking up their child and out into a field. The teachers had to chase after him and then he proceeded to produce his little horns and tail and spit, kick and hit them as they corralled him back to the facility. Needless to say, I was not a happy mommy when I picked up. Nice. . . . .

Then as I was leaving from work to come home I noticed that I had another bladder infection coming on. It's only been a couple of weeks since I ditched the last one and they are so not fun. I get to the house after dealing with my son and went to the bathroom. Now we've gone from excruciating pain to pissing blood. All I have to say to that is Nice. . . . .

And to top all of it off, my mother found a lump on her neck a few weeks ago and I was just told about it on Thursday (Nice move guys) which she had to have surgery for on Thursday. They were doing testing on it to find out if it is a lymphoma or not and the results were due in at the beginning of this week. When I called my dad last night to ask him about the bleeding that I had, I asked if her results had come in. He told me that it wasn't lymphoma but that what they had tested did have cancer in it and that she will now have to have a PET scan which is a full body scan to find out where her body is producing the cancer from and get rid of it. I will not say that this is "Nice" because all this morning on the way in to work as I drove that's all I could think about. I think it was because it finally hit me this morning and I was very quiet and have kept to myself pretty much most of the day.

After the Nice evening that I had I finally admitted defeat and went to bed. I am sticking by my guns and looking for all of the positive things that I can in my day and have found them:

I have antibiotics ordered so all of this useless pissing that hurts too much will go away by tonight plus the pills are free! Yay!
At least my son didn't get hit by a car from yesterday's episode and after the talk that I had with him as well as the talk his dad had with him his tune changed quite a bit this morning so hopefully today was a better day for him.
I didn't hear what I was expecting to hear about my mom but it could be a lot worse so worry about what the PET scan shows when it happens. No sense in creating an ulcer until the time calls for one.

Plus we have a vacation scheduled for the three of us. . . .I am so looking forward to that!

A Pig in Shit

2008-06-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

Ever heard that expression as far as happiness is concerned? I have felt like that all weekend. I finally am where I want to be right now and Hubby and I are working diligently on it to make it work. Our son has calmed down, we spent some much needed time together alone quite a bit this weekend and just genuinely had a very nice and relaxing weekend.

However Hubby said over the weekend that he had told S to forget about him and move on. She asked why he was being mean and he asked if that was a mean statement. I didn't think so. When you break it off with someone it's best for a clean break I think. However, I think she's having a difficult time moving on. Calling and texting. . . always something or reason for the call or text. . . .I texted Hubby this morning asking for some gas money because I am broke until the end of the week. He had asked "What is it with you women and asking for money" in a joking money so he tells me that S had called and needed new tires for her car and couldn't get a hold of her dad to pay for them so Hubby helped her out and she's going to pay him back sometime this week. That just seems really weird to me but I can't really get mad because it's just. . . .weird. I was thinking to myself "What if Hubby wasn't around and you needed a tire? What would you do then?" Plus she called for a really weird reason yesterday too. I'm not going to go into what it was but it was weird too. Hubby had said he thought he had a stalker on his hands.

I don't think he wants to be too mean and say "hey look. . . ." I told him I thought she was sticking around in the event things went sour again with us and that way she wouldn't miss out. He definitely agreed with me. I told him that wasn't going to happen. . . . . . she'll be waiting a long time. I just hope she doesn't call for every little ache and pain, financial issue that crosses her path. Hubby had even said that he's only known her for a few months and for her to be that needy in a few months is kind of creepy. I so agree. But like I said, I'll give all of this time. Hubby had told me to trust him which is what I need to do. This is more of his mess to have to wrangle if it is a mess in the first place. I think it has the potential of being a mess and I'll trust him but I can't say that I trust her. She knows the choice he made and what he's wanting to do but I don't think she cares. . . . that's just me though.

Either wayI'm standing by guarded but still happy.

Negative People

2008-06-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ya know. . . .I just don't get negative people. I mean I get them because I used to be that and I try really hard now not to be that way but I just don't understand why people find it so necessary to put so much effort into being mean and negative towards people, places and things that either don't concern them or things that they literally have no control over.

I'm tired of being negative. It's completely counterproductive and serves no purpose. Oh there's a time and a place to be pissed at stuff definitely but to be perpetually pissed all the time at stupid shit is just beyond me. For example, when I drive to work now I use my cruise control and go 60 which is the speed limit. I have cut my gas costs in half from $100 per week down to $50. People in STL drive crazy anyway and since I've started driving this way many people fly around me, get angry and are pretty belligerent. I don't do this in the passing lane because that would just be a fight waiting to happen not to mention just plain inconsiderate. I'm the one laughing all the way to the bank not to mention that I will never see any of these people again. So I ask, why put so much effort into something that really doesn't concern you? It's my right to drive that way, I'm being safe in my driving and if anything, it calms me down. I don't have to worry about who's flying up on my car because it will ALWAYS happen nor do I have to worry so much about the other cars and where they are going because I stay in the same lane. It gives me a half an hour to reflect on my day, listen to my music and look forward to coming home to my son and family. So what does that have to do with you? Nothing. . . absolutely nothing. Yet people still find time as well as the capacity to behave in this manner as though I will change my driving habits just to suit their needs.

I guess what being negative all boils down to is being self centered. Most people who are negative think that people go out of their way just to piss them off. How fruit is that? Or they jump the gun and think that things happen to them just to inconvenience their life? Who cares? My life is too short to care at this point. There's too many good things on this earth and things that could happen to me that are good for me to sit around and bitch about every little thing that is an imposition to either me or the things around me. From now on I'm going to find at least one good thing in everything that comes across my path.

Saying for the day: When I see a person who is negative think this: God put people such as you on this planet to make people such as myself look that much better.

Some of the Good Things

2008-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

I really needed to write this post. This is a post that will remind me of all of the good things that has happened to Hubby and I and all of the good things that have to do with Hubby and the way we are.

Over the course of 8 going on 9 years, I have always focused on the bad things that took place with us and the good things always came with a "but". So not fair for both of us. It's no wonder why we didn't make it but life gives everyone a second chance and this is mine. I am learning that my mouth got me in a lot of trouble. Every time something petty came up, I was critical. Money, choices, words. . . .I always had a comment and usually didn't think before I shot off at the mouth to make my point heard. I have always prided myself on my opinion and most of the time it wasn't necessary to voice it because it wasn't asked for and it was usually hurtful. I'm learning that I need to think before I speak and listen more than I have in the past. So far this has saved quite a few unnecessary arguments which for the most part have all been unnecessary.

I have learned that Hubby has a lot to offer. He is a good provider to his family and to me. In the past, some people have told me that no he is not because his job is seasonal. I spent a lot of time defending him and coming up with reasons why it was okay that he works in the profession that he does. Fuck it. The people that were filling my head with filth that didn't even concern them nor did it directly affect them had no business telling me the bullshit that they did. At times financially it is frustrating for couples to deal with money and for myself I needed to vent. That is a new lesson that I have learned. Be grateful for what you have because someone else could have it and you could have nothing. It may not be what you think you should have but you could always have less. I have had less and having this chance is like a kid walking into a candy store with nothing and having a grown up hand them a fifty dollar bill just for being there to spend on whatever they want. Hubby also has an amazing sense of humor which helps when times are down and depressing. He always knows how to pick my spirits up and make me feel better when I am stressed or sad.

Hubby is also a great dad. Why? Because I said. . . and also because I've seen plenty of guys out there that had no business breeding but they did. Not to mention that I think no person who has no children or is directly related to that child has the right to judge whether or not someone is a good parent or not. Until you wake up every day like Scrooge in my shoes and walk through them, feed my kids chicken nuggets, make him clean up his room, wash his hair and have to deal with whether or not he had a good or bad day at school which is the same parallel thing that Hubby has to deal with, you are not allowed to be judge, jury and prosecutor.

Hubby is changing. . . all for the better for him and everyone around him. He is more patient and understanding. He is allowing me to say things with a grain of salt and listening more but I am trying to do that on my end too and picking and choosing what I say more carefully.

In closing, S asked that I be good to Hubby and not leave him and work our issues out. I didn't know (actually I did know what I wanted to say but there was way too much) what to say so I just "okay". When you have had to fight for the things that you love and I don't mean a shirt or a job but a family and your life, when you finally get the opportunity to vindicate yourself, you will do everything in your power to prove that the fight was worth it to everyone. I am making it a point to show Hubby that I am true to my word and that I will try my damnedest to rectify everything that has happened and occurred. Both of us have learned from all of this and everything that has happened in the past which is why the past will remain just that and not be brought up again.

Parting Ways

2008-06-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I stopped by Hubby's house to visit before S came to get the last of her things and they could say their goodbye's to each other. Since the incident that happened over a week ago, I have managed to not see her or talk to her which is a good thing, not that I don't want to but I just didn't know what I would say and I also haven't had the time to create that dialog in my brain with all of the stuff that's been going on. Right now I can only focus on one thing at a time.

So last night our son and I were getting ready to leave, he was dealing me a fit and she pulled up. I talked with my son in the house for a little bit and then managed to get him out of the house. I went to the table on the patio and got a cigarette and looked over. She motioned for me to come to her and I did. She gave me a big hug and said she was sorry which I asked her for what. She had said everything. She and I talked for a long time. We talked about Hubby's and my situation, her situation, raising kids and making decisions. I told her one thing that was very important for me to tell her. First of all, she has lots of drama in her life. I told her last night that this was the only piece of advice that I could give her - "You will get to a certain point in your life where you will be so tired and sick of everything that is happening that you will no longer bitch about what is going on and letting silly shit happen. You will just do whatever is necessary to take care of getting that situation behind you so that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Even if you don't think you can do it, you will just find a way to do it and get it done."

S has a lot of things that she thinks she cannot overcome because she hasn't tried. You can't fail if you don't try. I think that Hubby gave me that advise. Some of the greatest advise has been given to me by that man. Advise is also a gift that should be cherished. Someone who is wiser and been through more is trying to give part of them self to you to help that person out. I don't have to give advise but most of the time it helps me too. It helps me give back to others that have given to me.

A Fresh Start

2008-06-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

I finally heard the words that were music to my ears today - "We can start over"

Hubby and I have had a very turbulent couple of months. The ball has been in his court for some time now and I have been frustrated, impatient and worried that I would never have the opportunity try with my family ever again. It was a HUGE fear of mine that it would be lost forever and that I and my family would be grouped into the statistics of how 50% of all relationships fail and that it is very commonplace for children to grow up and deal with broken family's. I have worked so hard to stay, show my true emotions even when it was SOOOO not necessary and be honest about how I feel.

One of the things that I noticed last night when I was talking to my MIL was that I used to feel very inferior to Hubby by the way we talked to each other and how I took what he said to me literally. Since we have been talking, the way that he talks and interacts with me is much different than in the past. It is with more respect and regards to me as a person than before. It's almost like putting me on a pedestal and it makes me feel so important in his eyes and is such a wonderful feeling to have that. All I was asking for was a chance at another go at it with him and our son. I never expected to have this as an added bonus.

When I heard the words that I heard today I was absolutely elated and overjoyed. My morning had flown by due to workload. Now the rest of the day is absolutely dragging on because all I want to do is race to my son and get him and then race home and give Hubby the biggest kiss of his life. I know how I can screw this (my mouth and not thinking) and I know how to make this work (not pushing his buttons). As long as I focus on those things and both of us have agreed that we will NEVER bring all of this ugliness up again, nothing can stop us.

Very Good Weekend

2008-06-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

I had a very good weekend. Granted there was some drama that for once was not my doing but on a whole, it was a great weekend for Hubby, the boy and I.

We didn't have any cross words between the two of us, we spent time together as a family and as a couple and just regularly enjoyed being around each other. There's some other goofy stuff going on that I won't get into right now but for now I am taking each day as it comes and being grateful for the goodness that each one brings. Some things are not so good and I am looking for all of the positive things that are within those things so that they don't seem so bad and overwhelming. So far this tactic has worked and helped me keep my sanity and keep things in perspective. It's helped me to help myself and in turn I've been able to help those around me.

I have realized just how important my family is to me. Spending time with them this weekend and seeing the love between Hubby and our son is amazing and powerful not to mention when you get all three of us together, I was noticing that it's almost overwhelming the feelings that I get. It gives me hope that we will all make it and that everything will be okay. I hope there are more weekends and eventually weeks like this to come in the future.

The Boulder has Lifted at Least for Now

2008-06-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I talked with Hubby when I got off of work about what had happened on Sunday a little bit. I remembered my post about clarity and made sure that everything that I wanted to tell him was very clear. As much as I wanted to tell him "I can't wait to start over again and please take me back because I love you more than sliced bread" I had to remember my sanity and how I lost it on Sunday.

I told him that I thought what had happened on Sunday had to do with the medication that I had been prescribed. He agreed. That was a HUGE weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. I thought all week that he was taking it personally what had happened and it was like forgiveness for me to hear him agree with me. I also told him that as much as I love him and want things to work out, for my own sanity, I can't do that with another individual hanging around. He had said that he was waiting for me to say one phrase - Everything is going to be okay. I felt for him because I know that feeling and I also know that he'd scared right now. I know he is worried that I'm going to book, things won't be the same with us, things won't work out, I don't love him, etc. These are all "what-if's" that if you dwell on them too long they will drive you absolutely mad. I did that for a while with us just recently trying to answer my own questions and I never got the answers.

Hubby told me that he loves me and always will and is completely lost without me. He told me that he didn't think things would work with him and S but needed to get some things out of the way and that she has way too many issues and drama for his liking. I told him to do what he needed to do and that he knew where I was and what I wanted. When that time came to let me know but until then, I had to keep my distance just for my own sanity. The strangest thing about all of this is for the longest time, I had such a dislike for this woman and after talking to him last night I really could care a less about what happens to her or where she goes or what she does. It just doesn't really bother me anymore I think mostly because I know deep down in my heart how he feels. We both agreed that he, I and our son is our life. . . . nothing more and that it has all been ripped apart and will take a while to piece back together.

All of this will take time. . . .the one thing that I just love so much but right now that's the one thing I have working in my favor. Today has been another good day so far! Maybe he and I will do some more talking tonight. . . .

Clarity

2008-06-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

It's getting to the point where I write and forget to put something in and have to write a second post. Oh well. . . .I don't think anyone is reading these anyway.

I titled this post what I did because through everything that has happened, so many shades of gray have presented themselves and no "black" or "white" issues have either been resolved or discussed. The infamous "I don't know" has been on the back, front and side burner of the stove and everyone unfortunately has gotten burned because of it. I have sit back for a while now and knew what my intentions were and what I wanted. There was no "I want you and then I'm going to leave" even though I did it twice before and reason why I say that is because if I had to go through this from leaving it isn't worth it to any of us if I were to leave. I felt on trial for the longest time and for what? Nothing. I feel as though everything that I said and did was for nothing. See I thought that if I told Hubby how I really felt and showed him that I really and truly do love him that he would understand. Now that I look back on it, I don't think that he was even able to pay attention long enough to see where I was coming from let alone make a decision on how to deal with what I was throwing in his direction and I don't mean a hammer either.

"I don't know. . . . " ever heard the saying of not making a decision is the same as making one? Hubby had a choice to make between two women and not having the clarity of knowing which one that would be was maddening. Not knowing and having the clarity of what he was telling her would be the future was maddening. This is what I'm talking about with shades of gray. She may have been told plenty of "black" and "white" stories but I didn't know what was to come next or where I stood. Every day I was just hoping for an hour or two alone with him to be able to have a chance. What kind of life is that? That is someone in love. That is someone who is in a little boat in a vast sea hoping for some help and seeing nothing. Oh I felt things from Hubby and "interpreted" different things that he told me that made me feel good but did he mean it? Deep down inside I think he did.

That's why I titled this post "Clarity". I have taken clarity for granted my whole life. It is so important to say what you mean and not what you think that someone wants to hear. Even if it takes you three hours to spit it out it is better than saying something you don't mean just because you can't face the other person's reaction. Being clear about how you feel and being clear about your intentions are so important. That is something that I can see as clear as day right now. Before I was too preoccupied with whether or not Hubby was going to "choose" or not to know what was going on. I always had that little glimmer of hope that he was going to come riding in on a horse and say "nightmare is all gone honey. . . .let's go home" but it never happened. Now I don't know what I have. . . . clarity again. . . .the easiest way to deal with that is to put it in simplest terms. I have a roof over my head, a job and children. The other things will come given time if it is in my future but for now it is not sad as it sounds.

Another Day of Betterness

2008-06-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

Even though my son threw up in the bed that we were sleeping in last night at 11pm from coughing, yesterday was another good day. Yeah, like "betterness" is a word but I'll use it for now.

Hubby had to go to work early this morning so he asked if I wanted our son to spend the night. Why would I argue? It's time I get to spend with him and he is such a trip. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are a riot but at being 5 years old, what do you expect?

Last night I made dinner for the boy, ate half a sandwich and popped a beer and folded laundry. Made deals with my boy about eating ice cream and taking a shower and just did the mom thing last night. I was scurrying about the house getting stuff done when I saw my phone and went to put it on the charger when I saw that I had a missed text. Hubby had texted me just minutes previously and asked what I was doing. God did that throw me off. Was he completely drunk? I didn't care and took it and responded modestly with showering the boy and folding clothes. I didn't want to mess this up too much and was just grateful that he was talking to me. We texted back and forth a couple of times throughout the evening and our son called him before we went to bed. I read him a book about Christmas and puppies and he fell asleep immediately afterwards. I fell asleep too right away.

Just knowing that you're worth talking to for a brief minute helped me to sleep too. I didn't feel so worthless. . . .today will be a better day I think as well.

Slow day and driving me nuts!

2008-06-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am having a slow day at work today which doesn't help the brain. They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Well I'm sure that Satan is having a field day in mine today but I'm trying to think good things as hard as it may be.

I wrote earlier today and needed to get more out I think.

Through all of this turmoil that we've been through, I've lost friends. . . . what few that I have had, I have lost them all. My one friend who was Hubby was the last and I don't know how to take it but if I were to tell him how I felt now, alone and isolated I know he would tell me that I shouldn't have done what I did. True, I shouldn't have done what I did. I also shouldn't have been prescribed what I had been but I don't think anyone knew that until it was too late. Why is it that everyone that I have talked to about this medicine understands except for Hubby? I'm also afraid to ask him if he understands or even cares because I don't think that he does. He had told me that if I had another seizure that he wouldn't care, that he didn't love me, didn't care what happened to me, knew that I didn't love him (which isn't true by a long shot but that's just me talking) and some other things that cut deep to the core but I can't remember.

Point being is that we have said we are friends and I have FELT that we are friends. . . best of friends through all of this. Some of the time things have felt "off" or not quite right and I couldn't put my finger on it as far as the vibes I was getting from him after I left but now there is literally nothing. No kind words, no love, no niceness at all. Just nothing but hate from his end. I have never felt so much hate from one person before in my entire life directed right at me. It's bad enough to have lost him as a mate - fine and now to loose him as a friend is even worse but to absolutely hate the blood that courses through my veins is beyond taking him just not loving me anymore. I can't handle having just about anyone hating me. . . well that's not true because most people I could care a less if they hated me because most people don't know me that well but he is a different story. I can't even remember if I KNOW anyone that has hated me in my lifetime. Why does hate feel as awful as love feels awesome? Hate is the most horrible feeling in the world not to mention it is so ugly and does nothing but harm. I spent so much of my life disliking people but not "hating" them. There were only I think about 3 people in my life that I hated and I think now I will let it go after all of this. . . .I learned my lesson on that one.

People make mistakes and I made a grave and awful one. . .one that I do not think I will ever be able to make up nor be forgiven for. Because of that, I am afraid to ask for forgiveness and can barely talk to Hubby without him getting absolutely furious with me for whatever it is that I say. It is driving me nuts to not be forgiven. I'm not asking him to tell me that it was "okay" what I did but to just fucking forgive me. I have to deal with the fact that I have lost him as a soul mate and that we are strictly just dealing with each other as parents. I have no idea how he feels that his best friend attacked him and destroyed his new truck or that he no longer wants to deal with me. His mother said that she thought it scared him what he saw on Sunday. It probably did and with our son being there when it happened I'm sure he didn't know what to think. My son talked to me after all of that happened and told me that hitting was wrong and a big no-no and to never do it again.

I will just say this, through our relationship of 8 years, Hubby has done things that I have stuck by him and have hurt me so much. I didn't say anything to him at the time about it, was angry and then had to forgive him because I love him even though at times it would happen over and over again but I still forgave him. I just hope that one day he will forgive me for the awful things that I've done. . . .

Each Day

2008-06-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day for me. I have to take each one as they come right now.

Even being a good day yesterday, Hubby and I had a difficult time communicating yesterday. We did more of it but he was very angry and cold with me either on the phone or while texting. At one point in time he said something to me that I didn't know the answer to, said he wasn't going to sit on the phone while I sat all quiet so I didn't know what to do and hung up the phone. Next thing that came was a text on my phone from him asking if I wanted him to fuck me up and not to ever hang up on him again. It is going to take so long for his hatred towards me to subside and I know most people would say "Why do you even care?"

Because of our son.

I told him yesterday that if this is going to work for our boy that we have to try not to be so angry. He thought I was joking. I know he is furious with me and there's nothing I can do to change that but it's not helping the situation with our son. Hubby has had anger issues since I left and had told me (before the incident on Sunday) that he was just looking for a reason to "fuck someone up". He was telling me about S's ex at the time and how he had talked with him on the phone. To be honest with you, I don't know why he didn't lay me out on Sunday. If he did, I would be either in the hospital right now or dead. He makes more than 2 of me and is strong. Since I've lost so much weight and wasn't in my right mind, it wouldn't have taken much for anyone, let alone him to do some serious damage.

What I have to deal with now is the hate. When he speaks to me it is with such a loathing tone and such a hate filled pitch. . . like he can't even stand to talk to me. He told me yesterday that he can't even stand to look at me. What do you say to that? Okay? I had to. Nothing else to say. I can't fight anymore for my own well being so every word I speak to him now or text to him is like walking on eggshells. When I hung up on him yesterday, I apologized because honestly I didn't know what to say, froze and hung up. I've done the wrong things for so long, made the wrong choices without thinking and this is where most of it has gotten me. He made a comment yesterday as I was taking our son up to the house about how everything can't get much more fucked up because our son couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to go or not with me. Yeah, I'd agree. It can't get much worse than this.

There is a song by KORN called "Right Now" that before all of this happened, I had told him reminded me of how he feels about me. He told me at the time that no he doesn't hate me at all. I think if I asked him today, he would probably start singing the song to me.

The good parts of yesterday. . . .I picked our son up from Hubby yesterday and had him spend the night with me. We had dinner together, watched TV together, played together, went for a walk outside together, gave him a bath and put him to bed. He slept in bed with me last night and it was the best that I've slept in about a week and a half. Spending time with him felt so good and watching him made me realize that I left something and did something that was so detrimental that I hope that it doesn't cause any damage to our son. (I call him "our" because I didn't do it all by myself) Make it right, make it right, make it right. That's all I keep playing in my head.

How do you do that when you don't know where to start? I guess that's why I titled this post what I did.

All downhill from here

2008-06-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

I saw a psychologist last night. . . a woman who is in her 60's. I found her on my own and was the second choice from my initial first. My gut said no on the first so don't ask.

I really like this woman. She asked a bunch of questions and we talked and she gave much needed advise. I told her about the medication that I was on and one of her strengths is dealing with people who have various medical conditions such as myself and with medications. She and I talked about the importance of watching what medications are put into an ecliptic's body. She also told me something that put my mind at ease more than most doctors have in a long time:

Epileptics tend to get angrier easier, cry easier and get happy easier - it's a known study.

I have not taken my Zoloft today and feel fine. I do not feel like a crazy person and feel as though I can think on my own. I don't have all kinds of weird thoughts going through my head and am focusing on my kids right now. Each day I have to find out how I can interact more with my son because right now I am severely limited on when and how long if at all the time that I can spend with him because of everything that has happened.

Hubby has made it very clear that our relationship is strictly parental based. That is still very hard for me to deal with but it's something that I have to accept. What is really hard to accept is when we do talk about our son in the small conversations that we have, he is very cold and short on the phone. I don't even have conversations with strangers like that on the phone but then again I didn't do what I did to him to a stranger. One by one my friend support system has vanished so maybe it's a good thing that some of this has come about.

Each day can only get better than the first now that it's behind me and I need to focus on myself and my kids.

Don't know where to begin. .. .

2008-06-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

This story is long and complicated so I will keep it short.

The doctor put me on Zoloft to help with depression and on Ambien to help with sleeping. Sometimes the Ambien works sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I don't like the Zoloft. I don't like how it makes me feel and act and think. I don't feel like me and I don't feel like I know the people around me. The only thing different now is that I'm not crying. . . . .

I have an anger disorder which I've had for the majority of my life. I don't tell a lot of people about it because most of them laugh when I tell them so I just kept it to myself. I have spent my whole life overcoming it up until yesterday. Yesterday, I had something in my that I couldn't identify with except for when I was a teenager. It hurt and burned so deep and had no reasoning behind it just nothing but hurt which is extremely dangerous. All I wanted to do was destroy something, hurt it, hit something so that something else hurt as much as I did. So I not only hit Hubby but I threw a hammer at him and then kicked the side of his brand new truck about 6 times. I dented his truck door and probably did about $600 dollars worth of damage to it.

Reason for all of this?

I can't let go and move on.

I can't deal with Hubby being with another woman. I can't let go of my family and I can't let go of the fact that I have lost. I have lost so much that it hurts to the point where I can't see the good things in my life which is what I have to start doing which is starting with my kids. My kids are the most important thing to me in my life right now and always will be. How and why I lost sight of that, I could kick my own ass for loosing it.

Today was the first day and it was hard. I have more ahead of me which is not what I was saying last night. I have someone that I am seeing this evening that will help me work through my problems so I hope that everything works out. I'm tired of being upset, watching my kids from afar and not enjoying things that God put on this earth for all of us to enjoy. It can only get better.

Dr. Appointment

2008-06-12T09:42:00.001-07:00

I have put in calls to my doctor this morning at 9a and at 11:30a to call me to make an appointment. I haven't gotten a call back and I need him to check me to make sure that I'm okay and nothing is majorly wrong. There's a number of symptoms that I have that have been all of a sudden within the past 2 months that are of a major concern to me and I want to make sure that it's taken care of before I become hospitalized if that is the case. . . .I'll just say that.

Home life has gotten not so much for the better and some for the better. . . .

I have to make sure my health is taken care first.

Loss of Sleep - Ugh. . . .

2008-06-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

I got no sleep at all last night. That was after taking 2 Tylenol PM's knowing that I would probably not sleep well. I didn't think that I wouldn't be able to sleep at all though. At around 1am this morning I broke out in a drenched sweat and rolled from one side to the other all night.

The only time I sleep well is when Hubby is there.

I haven't slept well since I left. I've woke up at least 3-4 times a night unless I sleep down at the house with him. I feel like Linus who needs his big blue blanket and sucks his thumb.

I've tried drinking before I go to bed, that doesn't work. I've tried prescription tranquilizers and I still wake up even when I up the dosage. The last time that I didn't sleep through the night at all, I ended up at Hubby's house at 3 in the morning and tried to kick his ass, tore up the front patio and scared everyone including myself half to death. It took me 10 minutes afterwards to stop breathing hard that night or morning however you want to look at it. I literally went insane that night and know why. . . .

I can't shut my brain off, period.

I ask for things to do at work throughout the day to distract myself. When I get home, I am constantly cleaning or doing things to release my brain from thinking. Every night when I go to sleep I think and think and think. Last night I told myself to shut up and stop thinking but it didn't work. My brain is a mass of jelly right now.

So what do I think about?

Hmmmmm. . . . current situation which is getting worse and deeper by each passing day. I write in this blog to release what is in me. It's like purging for me right now. Half of this shit I can't dump or unload on anyone not to mention that there is nobody there for me to dump on and I wouldn't be able to do ALL of that to another human being. There's just too much there.

So, last night I came home and tried to explain to Hubby that I'm spent, tired, need help and cried. He told me to be strong. I told him that I was trying. Every day I try and get exhausted by the end of the day which usually ends up being the hardest. I rush home for more beatings to either spend time with our son and with Hubby. I can't have a conversation go by with him without hearing about something having to do with the current situation that S is in or going through or whatever. I don't mean to be cold but I'm not seeing her and I am not friends with her. I am dealing with what is left of our family and myself. I don't have the capacity to deal with what is going on in her personal life outside of Hubby. I went to the store last night to pick up some things and when I came back she was there and Hubby had told me a bit ago that if it bothered me so much not to look so I didn't. I didn't say much and dropped off what I picked up for him and glanced. She had said nothing to me as I had to her when I came up but the look on her face when I glanced at her was very interesting. . . .

Women.

Funny thing about women is that they are caddy, emotional, irrational and for me, very easy to read. It may take me a while to pick it out right away but that is how I am. My statement that I just made was not directed at S because I know ALL women are like this, count me in as well since I fall into that category. I know that I am all of the above. I also know that when you ask me where I'm coming from there are no guessing games. Most people that are around me know how I feel unfortunately, blame it on my mom if you want to. My mom told it like it was with no bullshit mixed in and led a hard life. I have not led the life that my mom had led but it's been no easy path. Point being that when I saw the look on S's face at the short look that I took of her last night was one that I will have imprinted in my brain for a long time. It was not a look of happiness or friendliness. She and I have not talked all that much nor do I know her. The look on her face was cold and one of intimidation. She was standing in front of her car smoking a cigarette with her side to Hubby. Hubby was looking at me as I walked his things to him and he told me to put them in the carport. In between that short conversation that he and I had where he was looking at me was when I glanced and saw. . . .

You can call me cold and untrustworthy and guarded. I'm just having to protect myself right now from getting anymore hurt.

One more for the day

2008-06-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

I had to write again because I've had a day from hell not to mention that I'm sure that everyone else has too who is around me.

I beat myself up and I know that. I've done it for a long time if not my whole life. Through all of this I have beat myself up and asked Hubby for forgiveness. So much has been said that I don't know if in the flurry of words, arguments, ugly sayings and hurt if he did say he did or not. I have been walking on eggshells through all of this hoping that I don't say the wrong thing, hoping that I don't do the wrong thing. . . . hope, hope, hope.

Hurt right now doesn't even qualify the feelings that I have inside and I now know what Hubby felt like when I left him. I think that I've known that for a little bit but just couldn't identify it. The feeling of not having someone love you anymore is the most unbearable feeling in the world especially when you love that person so much that you would do beyond anything for them. . . even let them go. Crying does no good in this situation and that's all I can do is cry. I may cry my whole life about this and continue to beat myself up over all of this.

All I keep saying is I don't know what to do or what else to do because I can barely make decisions on my own at this point in time in my life. All I do know is that I need some serious help and I don't know what or who I am going home to tonight. I do know that my son won't be there though. I feel like everything has been completely and utterly lost and it is all my fault. . . .every last bit of it.

Falling Apart

2008-06-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life is spinning out of control right now. I keep getting calls from daycare saying that our son is not behaving and that he misses us. I want to leave so bad and just commit myself.

I can't take much more of this if any at all. Seeing our son in such a mess is beyond hurtful right now. Hubby and I . . . I don't know where we are going and that's part of the reason why I want to commit myself because this is having an effect on our son.

Last night our son wanted to talk to God about Mommy, Daddy and him and how he misses the three of us. I told him it was okay to talk to him about that. He wanted to get in bed with me, he wanted to get up, he whined, he did all kinds of things that a normal 5 year old going through a broken relationship would do. He doesn't understand what's going on. Plus when we drop him off at daycare, he is out of control within an hour of him being there. It's almost 10am now and I haven't gotten a call back yet from the first one that I received earlier.

I have no family right now, I have no life right now, I have nobody (mate wise) that loves me back, I have a son who is in constant turmoil, I have a mate that I want that doesn't want me back who is so upset and confused and what's more has two people that love him. He told me last night that he's tired of being shit on and always giving to everyone else and getting nothing in return. He has been given a lot right now. Two people that love him whether he cares if one of those people love him or not. He has a son who is being taken care of no matter what takes place. His bills will be taken care of and are up to date. He has a job, new truck, a woman that he can talk to, go places with, love and spend time with. It seems like me being around has caused as much chaos as me leaving.

Last night he told me if some "dumb hooker" wouldn't have left this all wouldn't have happened. I told him that I can't change the past but move forward and try the best that I can to make right with the huge mistake that I made. I don't even know how to make it right except that I'm trying. Part of me wants to just go and part of me wants to stay and keep trying but I am not sure if I'm just exhausting myself.

One thing that I did not tell Hubby last night was that S doesn't have to try at all. She is there whenever he wants her. Call and she's there. Day off, let's spend it together. I'm upset, text me or call me and we'll either do lunch or talk. I literally have to gauge my time with him, check with him to see what bills need help, see who's picking up little man. I am so obsessed and exhausted with everything right now and it's been going on for so long that I want it all to end. I want everything to come to a screeching halt and stop, make a decision, move on, do something but all of this is so hard to see who it is taking a greater toll on. . . . is it him, me or our son?

I want everything to go back to normal, get some stability in ALL of our lives and move on. That may just not happen. But how long will I have to be strong to see when that day if it ever comes. S doesn't have to be strong right now for that day because she's not in my shoes. She just has to wait for someone to tell her that he can't be with her anymore if that day ever comes but from the way things are going, I don't see that happening for a long time.

Leaving on this note: I hurt for my son, I hurt for Hubby and I hurt for me. They say God puts no more in your life than you can currently handle. Good advise but I think that God has a VERY strange sense of humor right now. . . .

Our Weekend Trip

2008-06-09T09:46:00.001-07:00

We had quite the adventure this weekend!

It rained (more like poured) in a few spots on our way down to our vacation spot. We got there and it was like old times.

I won't go into a lot of detail because there is a lot of it. But after the weekend Hubby had told me that we always have something happen when we go down. It's part of us going on our trip. I was upset on part of our trip because considering the circumstances, I wanted everything to go perfect. I wanted us to have a wonderful time and to have everything washed away and start anew. I should not just expect these things are going to happen because I want them to.

Hubby said something to me that meant a lot to me on Sunday. He said he wanted to get back with me so bad and wanted his simple life back. What did I do? I sat and listened. I didn't ask "Why don't you just say the word?" Our life is not simple right now. His life is not simple right now. And what I don't understand is if you want it so badly to change then why not do it?

I received a call today from our daycare provider. Our little boy had to be picked up because he was out of control from a bloody nose and was spitting blood in people's faces. Not only was the owner (whom I had been friend's with) rude with Hubby but very short with me which shocked and threw me off. I talked with Hubby and he asked that I start looking for another place because he was pulling him out. I called a bunch of places and then called Hubby and left a message. We have got to come up with some sort of a solution for all of this. We were gone all weekend and spent some time with him last night and then he went off to daycare this morning. I understand where he is coming from because he misses us and wanted to spend time with us. He is mad, frustrated and confused and acting out. He is not a happy child. So what do we as parents do about it? I don't know. We have some options but what is best for him? If we pull him out, then he has to start somewhere new and could start the same thing over again because of the fact that it's a new environment. We could put him on medication - not happening. His dad and I have already agreed upon that. We could send him to counseling but money is really tight right now and I don't know if we can afford it let alone take off work to do it.

So what do we do? I don't know and hope to sit down with Hubby this evening and see what will be best for all of us. He does the best under a routine. Going back and forth from one home to another and not seeing us all this weekend I think was the final straw for him. The only other thing that I can think of is to contact his pediatrician and see what he says. Either way, something has to change. All of us can't do this much longer. It's like a rubber band that's about to snap and has hit it's limit.

Relighting the Flame

2008-06-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am all packed and at work with nothing to do and antsy as hell. Hubby and I spent another night together last night and I got another good night's sleep.

We sat outside last night and talked. He told me that I am on trail basically and that he has an empty heart to me right now and to me it's basically up to me to fill it up again. I told him that this weekend to me it's going to be like falling in love all over again for the first time. He told me that he is looking for that certain something that will make him forget about S. He told me that I am absolutely smokin hot and fun to be with but it's the love thing because I left and he feels like I left because I didn't have any love for him anymore. No matter what or how I tell him that's his feeling and I have to prove to him that's not the case.

Love is a very complex thing that can be built over time. Love at first sight can be torn down as quickly as it's picked up whatever the circumstances may be. However, love that has been built over the course of many years is hard to break and once it is, it is a bitch to overcome. I am proud of Hubby for wanting to find that love that I have for him. I may have it for him but he has to find it for me because of how much I've hurt him. He's done so much for me and helped me so much in so many ways.

This weekend is more than just wearing my new bikini, driving in a new truck and being on a boat away from everything. This weekend has a lot of meaning to me. I will be recording everything mentally like a sponge. Remembering why I left not only what's back home but when we go on trips together and mostly him.

Last night we were in bed and I was behind him talking to my mom. Every night he prays. . . believe me, I've interrupted him before and didn't know it so I think he was praying while I was talking to my mom. I asked her to help once again to find love in his heart for me that's there. It felt good and sent goosebumps up and down my arms when I was done talking to her because he popped his knuckles and stretched. . . I think he was done too. I don't know if my mom talks to him in his sleep or if he knows that I am begging with her to help with all of this but this weekend is something that I am taking very seriously. My family needs us, he needs his family and most of all he needs peace. I have such a huge smile on my face right now and sense of contentment. I think things will work out and I love my Hubby.

One more Day!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

One more day and we are outa here! I am so stoked it's not even funny but talk about running around with your head cut off! I got off work, picked up the boy who by the way was so good at day care yesterday, dropped him off at his grandparents. Hubby was picking up his new truck for the lake and I went and got my nails done.

I came home and saw the truck. It is beautiful and beefy! It will definitely do the trick for what we need at the lake and pulling the boat in and out of the lake. It's dark and smoldering and tall and loud. It is super comfy inside and Hubby is so proud. Last night I helped clean out the bed of the truck and he cleaned out the inside while the boy was inside taking a shower. We had to get him ready for bed.

Last night was the second night in a row that I slept at Hubby's and I slept really well. I always do when he is next to me. That's why I can't wait for this weekend! I get to sleep next to him for at least 2 days in a row. Hubby didn't sleep so well. He hasn't been sleeping very well for a while. I wish he could get back on track. Sleep is one of those things that I have to have that most people push to the side and don't worry so much about. If you don't get enough sleep you become agitated, disoriented, crabby, in my case possibly have a seizure, see things, make decisions that you don't know why you made them, think about things too much. Sleeping helps your brain deal with the things that you can't do on your own when your awake not to mention letting your body rest. Hubby needs lots of rest with the line of work that he does. I hope he gets a good night's sleep this weekend. . . . he needs it bad.

We leave tomorrow after work. I have my new bikini a few clothes that I think I can wear but I have to get some clothes while we are down there because most of mine don't fit . . . they're too big. We are going to get the boat out on Saturday and boat most of the day. I can't wait. Hubby and I have the best time on that boat!

One of the biggest reasons why we need to go and scariest reasons is that we need to rekindle our love. We need to repair our relationship and every time we have had stress in the past we go out of town to unwind. When we went to the ballgame last weekend, it was like old times. We held hands, smiled at one another and enjoyed being together. I am really looking forward to that this weekend. No fights, no ugly words, working together as a team and appreciating what we have always had. We are turning phones off periodically so that we can just deal with us. Plus the roaming charges are ridiculous.

If I don't write tomorrow, don't take it personally. I'm coming in early tomorrow so that I can get out of here early! Keep your fingers crossed for us this weekend! I hope we have a blast!

A million questions

2008-06-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

Last night Hubby asked me a bunch of scenarios of what if's. The first one I had a difficult time answering and he got pissed because it was a simple yes or no question. I finally did answer and then the questions came rolling in from him.

I feel like I'm on trial. I feel like I'm being compared and in competition again. I feel unworthy and worst of all I feel untrustworthy which is my fault. I don't know how you gain another person's trust or how someone can just fall out of love with you but those are all feelings that I have right now. He told me that he didn't want to see anymore women crying. I'm sorry. I'm beat up right now, lonely, depressed, worried, angry, anxious and fearful.

We are going on a trip this weekend to find ourselves again. What happens when we get back? Will I be in the back seat again? Will it be like it has been for the past couple of months?

I spent the night last night and it was so hard to explain it but it was like his lawyer had told him not to do or get too close or befriend me. It was like being with a different person. It was like it was near the beginning when I had left and came back. I feel like I just hit a home run and they told me to go back to home plate and MAYBE I might be able to swing the bat again if I can do it right this time. I woke up at 3p last night because of a storm in the area. I had lots of things on my mind. Do touch Hubby, don't touch Hubby. What if he moves out of the house and into her's with our son what will happen? What will happen with us? Is us over? I don't know. Last night it felt over. We are going on this trip and I so desperately want to have a great time with him but I can't make someone enjoy me. They have to do that on their own. I'm ready to be all alone with him just he and I. But when we come back, will those good times just be a memory or will he want to be with me all the time? I don't know. . . .

I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up. God I know I fucked up. To the point where I just want to smile, forget that I fucked up so bad, get my family in order, forget about her, forget that Hubby is still upset with me, I want to laugh at stupid jokes, take care of our home and child and him, go shop for food and stuff we need, wash the car, go to work, rub lotion on his back when he gets baked, drink with him, watch him play video games when I get home. . . . God most of all I want him to just love me more than anything else. Without his love for me and my love for him, our family will be no more and right now that is what is so terrifying to me.

Sounding Funny and a Bad Feeling

2008-06-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

You know when you've known someone for so long that the tone of their voice you know something is REALLY wrong? I got that from Hubby this morning.

I texted him a little last night and when I briefly talked to him he sounded different on the phone to me but I just took into consideration that whatever it was that he was talking about with S was not the time to call. I texted him this morning and he was really short saying he was at work. I wanted to talk to him to see if everything was okay so I called him. He said he was all freaked out and that it wasn't me and that he would talk to me later.

I cannot shut my brain off. It is nearly impossible for me. I try to do things to pass the time. I've worked on projects hoping that I don't fuck them up because my mind is racing. I don't know what things are happening around me or if they even have anything to do with me. I told Hubby that I was scared when I got off the phone and I don't know what to think. This all happened at around 9:30am this morning so I have the rest of the day to calm down and hope that he does too and will either tell me what is freaking him out so much or just tell me that everything is okay and to not worry about it.

Either way, I have a really bad feeling that something just isn't right about this and whatever happened last night.

Squeezing in Time

2008-06-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

I have a lot planned this week to get our trip together. I'm so looking forward to going. I need this trip (we need this trip) more than anything right now. We are stressed, beat down, can't relax, can't focus, can't be happy right now. This is just what we need. Even if it rains, I'm walking barefoot down to the lake to enjoy the peacefulness with a bottle of Corona!

I had a list of stuff to talk to Hubby about when I got home. He told me she was coming over to hang out and talk. I asked him how much time I had and he told me. I hurried up and got there quickly. Our son was playing with the neighbor kids and she had called to say she was closer than what Hubby had anticipated. I started breathing really shallow and getting antsy because I didn't want to get angry. I'm working hard on that and I wanted to remain calm so I guess I should have worked on some breathing techniques to help.

She got there and Hubby and I talked about what was going on during the week before our trip. Our little guy got a nose bleed and he went in to check on him. Hubby came out to talk for a little bit more and asked if I wanted to go check on him together. He grabbed my butt, kissed me and told me that this will all work out just wait and see. I will.

I went up to the hill last night and did my nightly routine. My MIL got deathly ill with her bowels and throwing up. My son wasn't helping any with his attitude but we got it under control. I got her cleaned up and situated with FIL's help. I got little one in bed and he called his Daddy to say good night. Afterwards he handed me the phone and he sounded different and I asked if everything was okay. He said he had to go and that he loves me.

Later I went downstairs, poured a shot of crown for my cramps, poured honey on my face for a bit, took a hot shower and laid in bed after brushing teeth and taking pills. I laid on my back and thanked my mom for being there for me and to continue to help us all. I let her know I missed her so much but knew she was there.

My life is short as is everyone else's. I'm trying the best that I can to do with what I have. Even if it's for brief moments this week, I will squeeze in little bits of time here and there with my family until this weekend. Then this weekend, I won't have to squeeze in so much anymore. At least I'll have a few days of peace and so will he.

Interesting Weekend

2008-06-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

I spent a lot of time with Hubby and the little one this weekend. We had plans to go to the baseball game on Sunday, spent some time together on Saturday and all three of us spent the night together on Friday which was a blessing because it stormed like crazy that night and our little man was scared. Daddy comforted him, put him bed with us, went and laid on the couch for while and then moved him back. He's a great dad.

The baseball game was a different story. I was looking forward to a much needed outing to something that Hubby absolutely loves. We had never been to the new stadium so this was a treat for us not to mention that we were in a party box. Free food and beer. We were set. Before we went, S had stopped by to drop off a jersey for Hubby that she had bought him.

We went to the game and sat in our seats. Just to the left and right below us she was there with a co-worker. The whole thing was very strange and bizarre. Hubby had even asked me if I thought it was weird. Not only was it weird but she had on a matching jersey. The whole thing was very strange and it was hard for me to concentrate on the game, the fact that we were winning and that this was going to be a good time for us.

We went outside for the final time to smoke and Hubby asked if I wanted to leave. . .this was getting uncomfortable to him. I'm not sure why because we've all hung out before but I think this was different somehow. We left and went home to play washers and drink.

I changed clothes, got our little man and came back to the house. He was on the phone with her and something was wrong. Long story short, she had been attacked at the game. Hubby was saying had he only just stayed this wouldn't have happened. I tried to put things into perspective by telling him that people get attacked everyday and move on. She's not in the hospital, didn't get raped and is okay. Just scared. Part of me is leery of a lot of this because there are things that just don't either feel right or make sense; one of the two but somethings not jiving. I think with as serious as it was, Hubby would have had her come over but didn't. I'm not sure why he didn't ask me to leave and have her come over to console her but he didn't. He had said that there seemed something not right about some of this and we talked about it.

This whole thing is very strange. I hope everything will be okay for everyone.

Trust

2008-05-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a mix of emotions going on with Hubby and I. We are working hard on our relationship and there have been a bunch of ups and downs within the past 24 hours. Trust has been a big one. I wrote about it in one of my earlier entries.

S came over to Hubby's last night to vent and talk. Hubby has a big heart and wanted to help her as he would anyone. I was really worried that something bad was going to happen. This is one of those things that I have to change in me. It's a slow process and not the easiest but it has to be done in order for me to be happy, for us to be happy and for our family to be happy. I also have to trust Hubby that he will work with me together in being patient and letting me change and giving me the room to do so which he has done so far.

Last night I was supposed to watch a movie with my MIL and we couldn't get the damn thing to work so I just went to bed and read. I texted Hubby good night and that I love him. I read for a little bit, turned out the light and talked to my mom. I asked her to comfort Matt through all of this and to hold his had and wash away the grief, worry and pain. I also asked her to help him remove the huge bolder that is on his shoulders right now so that his burden could be lightened. I asked her to gather all of the people that she had around her right now to help him find strength within us and himself and help him feel it. I actually felt a kiss on the right side of my forehead and felt at peace at that moment. I thanked my mom for holding my hand and being there with me and showing me that patience is a tough thing to wait on and trust is an even bigger thing to have faith in. I was so angry with my mom for leaving and I told her last night that she has been with me all along no matter what has happened. She has given me signs and told me that things will be okay. She has come to me in dreams and walked me through tough decisions, pain and heartache which sometimes hasn't gone away but I have had to trust that it will. I think she was talking through Hubby about trust and not just trusting him but just trusting most things in general. That is what doesn't make me happy and what is holding me back.

Even though my mom is not alive today, she is with me and with all of us. She has Hubby's family up with her helping her help us and seeing us through all of this and beaming when something good comes our way. Sometimes I don't understand things because my head becomes clouded with worry, other times it is crystal clear.

Scared

2008-05-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am so fucking scared right now. I talked to Hubby just now and he told me that S wanted to come over and hang out and he didn't know what he was going to do because he was tired. She gets off at 7a so she won't be there until later. Last night was a stepping stone for Hubby and I and I want things to slowly work for us. He told me that too. I have to trust him but I don't know what her intentions are and I know she is super hurt but Hubby is really confused and hurt and doesn't know what to do.

I am so scared that she will do whatever it takes to get him back. I'm scared that she will spend the night again and then what do I do with that? Do I keep trying? It's hard to work on a relationship and a family when there's another person involved that you don't know what kind of move they are going to make. My intentions are pretty on target. I know what I want and will do whatever it takes to make things work but what if spending the night with someone else comes into the picture? Will I be able to compromise? Can I handle that? I don't even know if it will happen or not! I am just freaking out because I have a little bit of hope that things will work out and I am so fucking unbelievably scared right now that it will all just blow away in the wind because of confusion and hurt feelings.

What do I do and how do I handle this??????????????

What should I call this?

2008-05-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a wild day at work. I was worn out by the time I came home. Hubby and I were supposed to go pick up his new truck but it wasn't done and he was getting aggravated I think that it's been taking so long. Our son was playing up at the house with a friend where he and I are staying. I went up there, changed clothes, snuck some meds in my purse with some money and got our little one together and headed down to Daddy's house for all of us to play together.

He and I played washers, drank and talked a little. He had a lot on his mind I could tell and didn't feel like talking. He wasn't very physical either which I knew he was mulling things over in his mind. We played a few games (all of which I lost but I held him pretty good through most of them). Our son played on his four wheeler and ran in the field. It felt really good to be all together and just hang out and be peaceful.

We played our final game and Hubby already had dinner going for our son. We smoked, drank and talked and little man ate his food. Afterwards it was shower time. We got him in the shower and then Hubby and I went back out on the porch for more talking. There's a lot to get through. I have a bad outlook on a lot of things. Things that most people see the bright side of, I see how will this hurt me. I've always been like that and it's going to be a hard thing to adjust in me. It will probably come in spurts until it becomes comfortable to me and is something that I enjoy and can trust. That was another topic of conversation. Trust. We were throwing washers and I was at one end of the box and Hubby threw and I jumped out of the way. He was proving a point that I don't trust him. How? I don't know but he's right. I think that the only thing that I don't trust about him is some of the big stories that he has told me that border on lying. I've been with him for so long that I can pretty much pick those out though. I'm going to have to trust him on a lot of things. He's never cheated on me and has taken care of me in some of my greatest time of need. Those are all trust things that I know I have with him. Same with him from me.

We talked some more, got our son out of the shower and got him to bed. Ordered a pizza and were worn out. We were going to watch a movie and I asked him if he wanted me to go up to the house. He slyly asked in that "man tone" did you bring your medicine because everyone knows I'm a snake in the grass but it wouldn't hurt to bring it. I ate that food like I hadn't eaten in months. We watched family guy which I haven't watched TV in about a month so it was a treat for me not to mention eating it with Hubby.

We brushed teeth and went to bed. . . .an hour or so later and then got up and smoked one of the best cigarettes I've had in a long time. Finding more "fire" in the "spark" that we have right now is going to take some time to build but we can do it and I'm not just talking sexually. We have one of the most magnificent relationships and many tools to work with to get it back there. We just have to remember where they are and how to use them on each other. We will be going to our special place next weekend to do some boating and spending time together. I am so looking forward to it. I hope that it is a good trip but after last night, "what comes next"? Slowness. That's what comes next. All of this needs to be slow and we need to remember. I am in agreement with him on that. We have a wonderful family that has been beyond damaged and needs serious repair. It will take time to repair that.

Hubby did say something last night that did hurt me and I don't think he meant to but was just being honest. He was talking about his family and didn't know if he saw me in that picture; just him and his son. I almost started crying which I'm pretty all cried out and he is tired of seeing it truthfully. He followed up with telling me that there are things within me that can change that will change that. Inside I was screaming "BUT I AM SO TRYING!!!!!!!!" It's hard but I am and I know why. . . happiness. I have not been the happiest person my whole life and he is trying to show me that I will have to change in order to find happiness. . . .not let things get to me, not let people make me angry and brush things off. Life is too short to care who is out to get you and how you can fuck someone else's world up. If that's and epiphany, then I just had one here in my chair. So honey, if you are listening, thank you for opening my eyes on that once again and know that I am trying. I have certain buttons that will be pushed and I have to either get rid of the buttons or just not care that their there but either way, they are not as important as my family right now.

Good Morning?. . . What Morning?

2008-05-28T06:05:00.000-07:00

I got home yesterday and Hubby and I went to get our little one's staples taken out. He was so brave and good. His dad knelt in front of him while they were being taken out and the tears just dripped. But he did it and got a reward. We were so proud of him and later told him that the "staple fairy" would come.

One the way there, Hubby told me that he had asked S to move out and was pretty quite about it. We picked up some beer and talked for a while at the house about what had happened. She is sad and cried all night the night before and all day yesterday and told him how much she loved and missed him. He said he wants to work on his family but it is going to take time to get over her. I understand that. It always takes time to get over something that you love be it a family member or a mate.

I asked him if he wanted our son to stay with him last night and he said no because he wanted to just be alone. She had some things to pick up that she had left and had still not picked them up yet. Something told me this was going to be a long night for me and it was. I couldn't sleep even with some help. I was up at 9:30pm telling him I couldn't sleep and heard her in the background. I felt like I was violating something again. I asked him if she was spending the night and he said he doubt it. He had told me earlier a clean break would be best but what is this? Watching a movie and hanging out?

If we are going to work on our stuff with each other it's going to be a long and hard road with no distractions. Those are going to be mega speed bumps in our relationship. I did not sleep well at all last night. I had night mares. Woke up and puked because of one of the night mares. I think I texted him at like 3a in the morning. When I left this morning her car was there. She had spent the night. I feel very hurt right now because I don't know what to think or do. I'm sure she's hurt too. I know Hubby is hurt. . . let's not even go into what our son is feeling right now because at this point he is on a roller coaster.

So to quote "Fear and Loathing" What's next? Hubby said he thought I would be doing back flips and ecstatic. I haven't talked to him yet today but can't help but wonder if some of this was planned, I have a lot of questions and don't know how to feel right now. I want to hold him and tell him that things will work out but we have to do it together not as a threesome as appealing as that sounds to most men. I don't know if he told me that to keep me from getting hurt. I know he was very hurt yesterday. He doesn't like to hurt anyone. I have noticed a pattern with this girl though. This is the second time he has broke it off with her and each time she cries all day and won't stop. I just don't get it. Hubby is a wonderful person and has a lot to offer. But slowly I am dying inside because I don't know "What's next" and what will happen.

Back flip? I feel like I just did a back flip over a brick wall that's 10 feet tall and I didn't make it. Maybe next time I will if the wall was just a little shorter. I can't wait to talk to Hubby to find out what I'm doing because half the time within the past 12 hours I don't know.

This Weekend

2008-05-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend was so-so for me. I had a good time up until Sunday night. I went down with our son and played games, barbecued and drank and had a good time. Then it was time for us to go up to the house. I got our son to bed and got myself ready to wind down. It was dark and I changed my clothes and got ready to go outside to smoke. Afterwards I was going to get into the hot tub.

While I was smoking, I noticed that Hubby had all the front porch lights on and that he and S were outside making out (looked more like they were doing WAY more than that) and I almost threw up right over the balcony of the house. My nerves were a wreck. I finished my smoke and got into the hot tub. When I get upset I have to move around. I only stayed in the hot tub for a few minutes and then got out. I went up stairs and didn't even shower. I just changed clothes and took two tranquilizers. I needed something to get my mind off of what I just saw.

See through out all of this, Hubby has always said that he would never do anything romantic in front of me with her out of respect. Not that I don't realize that happens behind closed doors but I really do appreciate that. I don't feel like it's being rubbed in my face and to be honest, I didn't really know how I would react should I see something like that but I did. I went to bed and cried until the pills started working. I got up the next morning to go to my daughters house. Beforehand I stopped and told Hubby what I had seen and he told me he was very sorry.

On the way back from Sissy's house I cried all the way home. I hurt, was confused, I felt like I had violated someone. Hubby had told me just recently that he couldn't take it if he saw me with another guy. I know what he means. I can see someone standing next to him but not sitting on him and rubbing all over each other. It still makes me feel awful. The only time I think I would be okay with it is if we were in a strip club paying someone. At least then she would go away.

Last night we did not have a good conversation at first when I pulled in. I said things that I shouldn't have said in front of her (she's there about 75% of the time there so it's hard to get a 1 on 1 with him most times) and I know I made her uncomfortable. I wasn't intending to. I was hurt and wanted people to know that. I don't know what is holding my heart together because it keeps shattering. Between my mom, my kids and Matt, it slowly gets put back together piece by piece and then gets smooshed all over again. Either I have a big heart or a strong heart, one of the two.

I have to get going, I have lots of work to do today and am leaving early to get our little man's staples taken out today! I hope that goes okay. . . . no more space suit I hope!

What to think?

2008-05-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

I got off of work last night and went to Hubby's as that was where our son was at. I had done a lot of "work" at work and needed to talk to him. I had done a breakdown of payment to him while I was there in addition to other things that needed to occur. I was emotionally worn out.

I got there and he looked good but has lost weight, his face was worn and he just plain looked tired and I don't mean tired from putting in a hard day's worth of work.

He and I went over bills, his situation with S and her daughter and I just pretty much listened when it came to that. He knows he's not happy. He said he's happy with her and I told him that there's a difference with being happy with "how" someone is with you vs. being happy together as a couple. He agreed. . . .big difference. He and I have always complimented each other even to this day:

I'm small, he's big
I'm dark haired, he's blond
He knows about cars and I don't
I know about gardening and he doesn't
He teaches me about his job
I try to teach him about mine
He teaches me about the boat
I have green eyes
He has blue eyes
He is kind
I am vicious
He let's go of grudges
I hold on to grudges depending on how deep they run
I have a good sense of character
Hubby be friend's just about everyone
Hubby has lots of friends
I do not

Now for things that set us back:

We both have bad tempers
We both find fault with the other
Both critical
We both have a hard time letting things go
We both are set in our ways
When we are angry with each other we take it out on each other and push each others buttons because we know what they are just to hurt the other person

Now how do we change to make things work:

Listen
Not be so literal and take things so seriously
Communicate more
Tell each other "why are you here with me?" It should be pretty obvious
Know that when an argument starts that it shouldn't be that bad to begin with and is it really THAT worth it especially after ALL of this?????
Both be happier with not just each other but the people that we are around each day including complete strangers

Our list of compliments is a lot longer than the bad stuff and what needs to be fixed isn't that much either. They are all just hard things. That's if any of this gets to that point.

I slept the best that I've slept in so long last night. Our son was skipping around the house and making all kinds of goofy noises. He saw Hubby and I kiss and hug and had to pull me away a couple of times because he said it was time to go. He also was picked up by his daddy and all three of us hugged like we used to. Our son kissed both of us on the cheek and it felt so awesome to have all three of us holding each other. . . our little family.

I know that if things work out that I have a lot of things that I have to change and a long road ahead of me but I am damn sure that I can do it. Now it's a matter of whether or not Hubby will give me the chance to show him that I can do these things.

He made my toes curl last night and I remembered, he looked at me in that way that he used and my panties got wet, he stood behind me to crack my back and lightly kissed my neck and my heart began to skip a few beats, he blurted out that he missed me so fucking much and I about cried. Thanks mom for reminding me how important, powerful and exhausting love can be. I love you both.

Reality is Setting in

2008-05-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have been exposed a couple of times to the situation that's going on with Hubby and S living at Hubby's house with her daughter and with our son. Our son is staying with me this week because his head got split open on Saturday and we want him to stay in a calm environment that it can heal.

Before I start, I love Hubby very much. I always have no matter what people say, think or do nor what my actions may have been. What I am also about to say has nothing to do with the fact that Hubby and S are a "couple" (It might somewhere down the road but that's not what's driving it).

I have heard very little (at least anything plausible) about this girl and have watched a bit from a distance to see if I can see what Hubby sees. . .still looking. . .sorry. She's nice and pretty and has a decent car and job. Bout it. She also has a child that she has absolutely no control over who is mouthy, disrespectful to adults and spoiled. I would say that about any child who acted that way, it's nothing personal. I worked in daycare as a teacher for a while and love kids. When I go drop or pick up my son, I talk to all the kids there which some of them are like (we will call her A) A. Some of the teachers have a really hard time dealing with these kids because they railroad all over them because they know what buttons to push and how far to go. It's all a game and as the old saying goes. . . ."the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Most kids are the way they are because of their parents. My daughter is a spitting image of me. Our son is a spitting image of his dad with a little of me mixed in there. See? Apples.

Respect is a big thing to me. For a while lately I have not respected myself enough to take care of myself. Respecting another individual for who they are is an even bigger deal to me. I may not know you very well but your actions will dictate some of that. It's hard for me to have respect for someone who cannot control their child after being basically a single parent and then have someone that you've only know for a month step in and be that father figure. Not fair to that child, definitely a convenience to her, not fair to our son and wearing Hubby out (sorry but you can see it).

Our own son is a handful. It's taken a lot of hard work from BOTH of us to get him to where he is today. Hubby told me not too long ago that our son doesn't listen to me at all. Not true. This whole week, we have compromised, been given choices and I have not allowed him to be in control of the situation that he wants to create if the time is not appropriate (i.e. bed, shower, eating, etc.) Hubby wants no more children yet is taking on another, can hardly control her child and then deal with ours who is so messed up in the head right now because of what's going on, what is going to happen?

Hubby told me last night that he wants to take all of them down to our special place. That freaked me out. Our son is enough to watch but two kids that don't mind that feed off of one another? What if something happens and one of them gets hurt? Christ! I was just up the hill when his head got cut what if they are 500 miles away? This is a huge concern for me. I already know that this is all going to cause a mega fight. Words will be exchanged, Hubby will think that I am fucking with his happiness and that all I care about is me. None of that is true. I want to make sure that our son will be in a safe environment where he is well taken care of. This is all bugging the crap out of me and all I want to do is talk to Hubby alone about this because this is our issue. I just wish we could go somewhere and talk alone and get some of this crap out. . . . .God I hope a big fight doesn't start.

Tired

2008-05-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely exhausted. I had one hell of a day yesterday at work as far as just getting stuff completed was concerned and was glad that I had a lot to do because it made the day go by quick. I ran home to take our son to the library last night for the first time and he had an absolute blast. . . granted, he only lasted for about 20 minutes but for being 5 and it being his first time, I think he did really well.

We got done at the library and came home and Hubby was having a good time at his house with some friends over, playing games drinking and all that. We used to do that together on the weekends and it was fun. . . yes I miss it but I can't do it now. I can't be around something that hurts until I can heal. Occupying my time last night helped me out, kept me busy and gave me time with our son. However. . . .

I GOT 3 HOURS OF FLIPPIN SLEEP

I had so many thoughts going through my head last night. I had work that I was winding down from and knew I had another 50% pile of stuff that I had to do today from yesterday but oh no that's not what was keeping me awake. I had my son snoring and coughing and stealing the covers and taking up the bed but no, that's not what was keeping me awake. It was when we had gotten home from the library and seeing our friends and knowing that our son needed to go to bed to stay on a decent routine and seeing Hubby and wondering if he misses me BECAUSE. . . . .

He told me last night that I looked like I needed a hug which I totally did and it felt so good to have him touch me and care enough to ask. He also said "What's up tits" when I came down the hill last night to pick up clothes for our son and it was a comment that he used to make to me that I haven't heard out of him in a long time; not to mention I liked it because that is who he is to me. He jokes about things like that and those are the things that I used to take literally. With all of this crap that's been going on, there's been no time for loving jokes that he and I used to have with each other (mostly because there's just been too tense feelings going on not to mention feelings for S going on which I'm sure he's beyond confused at this point) only time for hurting each other, trying to figure out where we stand with each other, if there's room for each other and where other people fit into our lives (I don't care for that part. . . like I said before in earlier blogs, I don't like to share but I guess I have to at this point).

I am just so tired. It's strange how when you don't get enough sleep or can't sleep how you tend to think more and for some reason it seems to mean more to you. I wonder if Hubby is getting enough sleep or if this is all behind him. . . .obviously I'm still dealing.

You'll Find Better Love

2008-05-20T06:59:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work this morning and the song You'll Find Better Love came on through my Ipod. Hubby had put it on there when I had asked if he would update and put some things on my Ipod. By the way. . . I do NOT care for country music and it isn't just a recent thing either. I never really cared for country so when I found out that Hubby had put this country crap on my Ipod I thought he was doing it just to annoy me.

I listened to the words because I was by myself and had no distractions and started to cry on the way in. I am not taking tranquilizers anymore because I don't want to be dependent on them and I need to deal with things that are real. Hearing these words on this song stirred so many things with me that it made me feel like Hubby was telling me something. I felt like he was telling me to find someone that could love me better than he ever could. . . .that made me cry because it's who's love you accept, not who's is better.

There may be someone out there true. . . .who care's. Let someone else find or deal with them. Right now I'm not ready or willing to share my heart. My heart is with someone else where it's been comfortable for the past 8 years. I left but my heart did not with Hubby. I am not going to look for another "love" right now or for a while just because I know it wouldn't be fair to myself or to that other person. Plus I haven't been alone in a long, long time and I think that being alone isn't such a bad thing. It will give me the time to regroup, find myself again and remember the person that God put on this earth.

Hubby and I always went down to our "special place" to remember why were together. We would have some of the best times of our lives down there. I remember so many times that he would make me laugh, I would make him laugh, we would do stupid stuff, watch the sunset together, I would cook for him, we would eat together and stop and various spots together. Every time we would go we would fall in love all over again with each other. When things got stressful, Hubby would plead like it ached "we really need to get to our place". Before I left he pleaded with me and I didn't listen. All of this is teaching me to listen more, react less and take it all in before decisions are made. Most of all I'm listening to the people that matter most to me in my life no matter how painful they may be to me.

In this song it also talked about not to forget. I can't forget and that's why I hold on to what is dear to me. Like my daughter that I may not visit as often as I should, she is my flesh and blood. I would do anything for her and kick her butt when she needs it. Same with our son which is going to be hard now with having to spend limited time but all of this has made me think and cherish what time I do have all three of them. My heart is now divided into 3 parts - one for each one of my kids and one for Hubby. That's a lot of people and there is no room for anyone else right now.

Not the Hottest Weekend

2008-05-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

My son did awesome on Friday at his graduation! He looked so cute up on stage and sang all of his songs and did everything like a big boy. It's so neat to see our little man growing up to be a big boy!

On the other hand, Issy got drunk on Saturday and so did Hubby. S was not there and at first everything went fine. We mowed the grass, put in air conditioners, got some sun and enjoyed each others company. It was comfortable and familiar. Until I don't know what happened and words were exchanged. . . .mostly mine. I said some things that I maybe I shouldn't have said. The things I said were vulgar, mean and nasty. When I get pissed, I get pissed. End of story on that one. I have tried for a long time to hold my temper to a low and it is hard.

Hubby had told me that I needed to change. He told me that I have no heart and that I needed to be happy. Well to put things into perspective:

I do have a heart, just because I left I still have a heart and have always had a heart. You could ask just about any person around about the things that I do for others and the shirt off my back that I would give to them and I think that's my definition of having a heart.
Being happy: I was happy for 8 years. "Why did you leave then?" Because I cannot deal with my mother's death and other people were trying to give me good advise at a really bad time where I should have made no judgement at all.

Someone once told me a long time ago that the most dangerous time to make a life altering decision is when your emotions are out of control. This happened to me and I can't speak for Hubby but I think it happened to him as well. He says his heart is in a certain place. It's sad to me because it just seems odd and strange especially with it only being a little over a week ago that he wanted me back and now nothing. There's nothing that I can do about that but I can do things with my son and spend time with him. Me not being happy has to do with all of this all of this crap that is around me and it will take time. Time to heal is a slow process. I know that I am an awesome person and I know that I am a strong person. I know that I'm a good mom and a great mate. That's the funny thing, throughout all of this, Hubby hasn't once said that I was not a good mate but that I left. That's it. . . oh and that I take things too literally. I have to work on that one, I know that but that comes with some of the anger issues.

On Saturday after we had our words and I cooled off a bit I got a call from Hubby. Seems our son had split open his head and we ended up at the emergency room for almost 4 hours. He had to be restrained, went hysterical, both his dad and I were just exhausted and upset and trying to be strong for him and for the both of us. And then there was the texting. . . not from me but from her which I knew she was concerned. At a time like this I just wanted to be left alone with my family no matter how much damage there was there and for the short period of time that I had to deal with it because I wasn't going to get it again as morbid as that sounds. There are some things that I don't want to share and am not willing to share. Hubby agrees that we are his parents and I know that his heart is elsewhere. His head I think is a cloudy fog of hurt right now that is being eased with alcohol and someone else to lean on. So be it. I can't be that person obviously because he can't accept me into his life in that way.

At our son's graduation, the texting was going too. That hurt as well because I wanted to focus on my son's performance and I was just getting aggravated. I wanted hubby to be watching and focused on it as well but he was running the camcorder and texting all at the same time. It's hard to be proud when you have all of that going on. The kids started singing a song about growing up and being proud of all of the things they had done and I got all teary eyed mostly because I didn't know if Hubby had actually heard the words or not. Sometimes I wonder if he hears the things that any of us say or what to do with those words once they get to his ears.

Tonight and the Good Day

2008-05-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a fairly good day for me. I ate quite a bit (at least for me now). I got 3 huge projects completed that I don't have to look at anymore at work.

Tonight is my son's graduation. I am really excited to see him in his little green cap and gown and tassel with Hubby there with the camcorder recording him either freaking out on the stage or acting like a little clown. He did not have a good day at daycare and don't know if it is because he was wound up because of the graduation but I hope that all goes well.

I am having to take this day with a grain of salt and a pinch of pepper. Is it all a dream? Did the night that I had last night for the few hours that I had to spend with Hubby and our talk actually mean anything? To me, yes. For every brief moment that I get to spend with him and my son it does mean something. Walking back up or driving back up the hill to the house is hard but last night I was content somewhat because I got to talk to him and spend some time with my son. For 2 hours I felt like a family again. That is the most pathetic thing to say but it's true. I hope I get more of these chances to have both of us get these feelings but I don't know how he feels, if it's a feeling he likes too or not or if he's just entertaining me for a brief period of time. But for now, I'll take what I am given.

Tonight after graduation I am supposed to come back and have a few drinks and hang out with Hubby, put our son to rest and get ready for soccer tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too. I just pray that it will be. If not, it can't get much worse than the past month and a half of hell that I've, he and our son has been living through. Change is an ugly thing like time. It's necessary but most people don't like it. There either isn't enough of it or too much of it but either way nobody seems to like it. I know I don't.

If I could go back in time (ugly word) and change (2nd ugly word) what has happened I would because both of those things are what I want more desperately than anything in the world right now.

My Body

2008-05-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Okay. . . I've screwed up my body royally. Part of it had to do with working out and then that got out of control. I left, worked out some more, ate still, came back and now I look anorexic and sickly. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror and eating is one of the biggest chores that I have to face every day. Right now it's to the point where it scares me and has scared me since mother's day.

On mother's day I got up and went to the scale and cried. Most people cry because they gained a few pounds but I cried because my body is out of control right now and I weigh a measly 116 pounds. I look like a little girl. I don't look like an attractive, healthy, sexy woman which I should at this point. I should gain at least another 10 pounds for me to be healthy.

Most of this has to do with stress (my fault again) and no I'm not "doing this" to look better because I know I look like ass. I had someone a long time ago when my ulcers were acting up who told me that I was so skinny that it made her sick. I went off on her. I was going to the bathroom at the time about 20 times a day (not an exaggeration) because as soon as food would enter my body, my body would process it right away without taking in any of the nutrients. Today I started bleeding and now I'm scared because all of this is serious.

I ate last night when I got done talking to Hubby and ate yesterday afternoon a little bit if a package of donuts counts. Today I ate a bowl of oatmeal, and am eating some soup and cereal now. It's slow going but I have to get into a routine of eating all the time so that I don't hurt myself anymore. I didn't mean for this to happen to my body but it did and I am praying that there is not something seriously wrong with me right now.

On a good note, I talked to Hubby last night for a couple of hours. It felt really good to sit with him, have our son interrupt every 15 minutes to give me smooches and just talk like we should have been doing all along. He has a lot of REAL issues to deal with right now and so do I. I told him I will wait for whatever it is that he needs or wants. That's our son that we made together. If I can help by taking or picking him up from or to daycare then I will do it. It will give me time to spend with my son. Granted, in my perfect world I would love to have all three of us doing that together but only time and God can determine that. . . . .there's that ugly thing again, time.

One thing that I noticed last night while talking to Hubby was what I really enjoy about him and I. I enjoy drinking with him and talking about finances with him and how they will be handled. I enjoy planning on what the week will hold and who needs what. All of that communication broke down at the end and I think both of us were just kind of like "okay who's doing what now" until it just got ridiculous. He said something very important to me last night. He told me that he is seeing his flaws and doing something to change them which I think is a very humbling thing to do. Most people can't admit that they have flaws let alone try to fix them. I know I have all kinds of flaws and that they need to be worked on but I can't do them all at once. I have to pick the worst ones out and tackle those first and pick them off one by one. By the time I am done, I should be in the ground and at peace with the world. My Hubby (and I will still call him that to the day I die) is a good man with a lot of baggage to either unload or throw away. All it's doing is holding him down and keeping him from being an even better man than he already is.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love him for what he is and what he isn't because he is a part of me, I am a part of him and our son is a part of us. God please help me start to gain some weight.

Loosing Everything

2008-05-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

I have lost everything. It sounds depressing and Hubby keeps telling me that it is all my doing. I came home yesterday and it was a gorgeous day outside. I wanted to play with my son outside since it was so pretty. When I got there, Hubby was gone and no son in sight so I called. He told me that they "all" were on their way back from getting ice cream and he wished that I would have let him know ahead of time what my intentions were so that he could have made other arrangements. I sadly said okay and got off of the phone. I can't take this. This hurts. But once again this is all my fault. How is this my fault? I can't possibly bear the weight of this whole boulder all by myself so if someone tells me that I'm not strong, think of that.

Last night I watched from a distance while my son played with another child that I couldn't play with or get close to. I rode the 4 wheeler in the lower field, drank lots of beer and smoked for a good hour. Hubby and S played washers in the other field away from me. Alone. That's how I feel right now. I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, nobody to do things for, nobody to take care of which is good because I can barely take care of myself. I was so sad and depressed yesterday because all I wanted to do was be with my family and I couldn't. I haven't been gone that long and all I am doing is standing there with my arms stretched out and crying, begging and pleading, please come and take me.

I am staying at my In-Laws right now and my biggest dream would be to be in bed asleep and have Hubby sneak in and kneel down and kiss me and wake me up and tell me that the nightmare is all over. If that would happen I don't know what I would do. I would be absolutely ecstatic. I would be so elated! I know he is going through so much pain right now. He says he is so happy right now which is all I want for him but I don't honestly believe that he is all THAT happy. I think he is still in a lot of pain and doesn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it is the hardest thing to do for anyone. Facing your fears and pushing through them is something that is painful and hard for anyone.

He told me that the past 8 years of our relationship were a mistake and that he doesn't love me anymore. How in one month can you just fall out of love with someone? How can that be unless it was never there to begin with. THEN it would be a mistake and a lie. This is all so sad to me and hard to bear. I just wish this nightmare would be over. I'm tired of aching all over again and being in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I can't see through the tears. When will this end? Time is the cruelest of all creations.

Emotions and Letting Go

2008-05-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

My emotions have always gotten the best of me. Last night my son spent the night with Hubby while S stayed the night with her daughter at Hubby's house. It was so hard for me to not be a part of all of the fun of watching our son play and have fun. It was so hard not being a family.

I have to let a lot of this go if I have any hopes of anything working out. Everything has been said and everything has been done. All of the ugly words have been spoken and all of the hurtful things have been played out. I am tired, worn out, beat down and feel like ass. I can't eat, I can't sleep without taking something heavy, I can't shit right, I can't smile, I'm paranoid that I'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. My life has no quality to it right now. I am trying bit by bit to figure out how to just take care of myself and it is hard.

I drove into work this morning and my tire sensor light came on. I checked the tires before I came in and one of them (the one that got hit) was stripped and screwed up. I am deathly afraid of talking to Hubby for fear that I will say something that will make him mad so I texted him to let him know what was going on. He has a busy day at work and instead of texting, he called me back to discuss. He told me to call where we had the work done and if I got stranded to call him. That comforted me greatly. I got a hold of the place that did the work, then called the place where we normally get the tires done and am having them get the work done and send the bill to the collision center. It made me feel like my old self again for a brief moment getting things taken care of as a team to get things done but how long will it last and oh God do I miss it.

Letting go of all of this is in hopes that I can reconcile what we once had if given the chance. Coming on too strong is a turn off and getting too close to the situation is just hurting me beyond belief. One day I am expecting him to wake up and tell me to just get away from him and that he never wants to see me again. I want to clean his house, take care of our child, lay next to his body, cook our meals, spend time outside as a family, pay bills together, shop together. . . .these are all things that I took for granted and want to move on past for saying I'm sorry is not enough. Any person in their right mind would know that saying sorry is not enough so what is enough? Walking away and letting the damage be what it is until it fizzles out or trying?

Trust is a big issue with Hubby right now and rightfully so. He doesn't trust me and thinks that if he takes me back that I will leave again. I have told him over and over again that I will not. Words are just that . . . words. I don't know what I can do to show him that I love him and our little family and our routine that is now in an uproarious turmoil. Nothing is right. Our son is on a schedule that somewhat works sometimes but doesn't understand why I am not home. When I do come down to the house all I can do is clean and straighten up and do laundry because it makes me feel better and takes some of the hurt away. I gave Hubby a lot of chances within the past 8 years with various things to many to count and know that back in my mind that they could always come back to haunt him and hurt me. I just wish he would do the same for me. I know I hurt him but all I want is a chance to have another fight and show him that I am not going anywhere.

If anything, I want to pack up all of our things and family and move down to our place and start all over again.

RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Okay. . . . I have an awful temper. Everyone knows that. The one thing that I've held back is my anger, temper and rage up except for a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't sleep, I found out some things that I didn't want to know about and didn't know how to deal with. Hurt myself physically and then BOOM! I destroyed it. I have a burning rage so deep inside of me right now that it can't be put out. Just like hubby I'm sure.

I talked to another man about my problems instead of Hubby. Wrong and bad move on my part. Once again, making bad decisions seems to be something that I'm good at. . . not proud of but good at. The conversation was short and stupid. All that came out of it was that I deserved better and I should be treated better because I was bitching about Hubby. I never stick up for Hubby which if there is a show ball's chance in hell of us getting back together, THAT will definitely change. Point being is that Hubby is pissed at this guy now. This guy could be a girl, or a child or a dog and it wouldn't matter, he would still be pissed at them for me listening to them and then acting on it. It's hard for me to mend my ways when I am not given the chance but once again, I talked to someone last night that I shouldn't have and now I'm back at square one in his book.

I am so filled with hate and rage right now. No, I'm not the quite, passive type. I get pissed and it doesn't take much. So with all of this? This is all my fault. I caused all of this. I created all of this hell and demise and pain for everyone. The one that I hate the most is myself. I hate myself so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to eat. I can't stand to get dressed in the morning or go to work. Hubby told me last night that he can't stand to look at me because all it does is piss him off. Guess what, I'm right there with you. I can't stand myself right now. I hate myself, I hate what I did to him, I hate what I did to my family, I hate what I threw away, I hate, hate, hate, hate. The rage that I have pulsing through my veins right now is so fiery that's it's unbearable.

There are times that I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I wish a car would just hit me so hard that it completely dismembered me. I have children and the hope that Hubby wants to work things out with us. I also have the rage that he doesn't want to try. That is what is so maddening. Trying is so hard. He has asked me that if I were to come back would I leave because it has not only been thrown back at me once but twice by two different people for leaving two times. Yes, I have left twice. I was stupid twice. Ever heard of that song "Stupid Girl"? That's me. . . . .

Choices

2008-05-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

Right now I literally have nobody to talk to. If I do, I could jeopardize the one thing that is the most important thing in my life - my family. So instead, I'm going to write to myself; at least it looks better than walking around talking to myself!

I am in the middle of an absolute shit storm and I have to let go. I have to stand by and watch things fall apart. I have to let someone else take over and be my role and, take care of my child, and love my man and take care of our home that is not longer mine. The same as my man is no longer mine. I have to find a place in the world that I fit. I don't know where I fit right now or if I want to fit anywhere.

This is how I get my emotions out without getting into trouble and without saying the wrong things. This is how I can say what I need to and not be judged on what I do. This is something that I can if I choose let someone else read it so that they know where I am coming from. It saves a lot of time and it comes from the heart. To a passerby, this is boring bs. I don't care.

My mind is in an awful turmoil. I am sad all the time. I'm being told that Hubby thought I was strong but now I'm not. I have always been strong. I went through 3 rapes, 3 hospitals - one of which told me that I had an anger disorder, a reform school, a miscarriage, being broke countless of times, countless of seizures, living without a home, having people steal from me, having conditional parents. I don't know how I was strong through all of it but I was. I think it was all of the hate and the rage and the anger that got me through all of it. Hubby taught me that getting angry isn't the answer all the time. Right now it isn't easy to get angry and hurtful for the fear that I could do damage. Instead, I talked. . . .here we go again with a WRONG choice. I talked to someone that I shouldn't have and now he is more pissed than ever. Never wants tot talk to me, never wants to see me. Doesn't want me period.

Every thing I do I feel is wrong. I feel like I am wrong. What I do is wrong. What I say is wrong. All my actions are wrong. I used to be able to say screw the world and life would have to go on with or without whatever choice I made. Today I'm made the choice to stand back for a long time and see what happens. Be alone and see if I can completely understand how much damage I've done. . . Oh and I've done a lot of damage. I'll take responsibility for that and then some.

I'll leave on this note, I've not had much in my life as far as possessions are concerned with the exception of my children and my Hubby. None of them felt like possessions to me but parts of me that always made me happy.

Back to Square One, Not about me and Mother's Day

2008-05-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hubby is having an awful time. He doesn't know what he wants and is getting pulled in two directions. He loves me but is in love with someone else. He asked me to move back in and I did for a day or two. Today I called the other girl. I did this to see what she's like. I don't like hearing about her, I don't like talking about her. Why? I don't know. Probably because she's the other woman. However, it's not fair. It's not fair for me to judge someone that I don't know which is on my list of things to change.

I called her today and asked her if she could call me back at noon. I'm not sure what I will say but I know it will be nice. I will probably tell her that she doesn't know me and that I don't know her but I would like to try to know her. I will also tell her that Hubby is confused and that it has to do with both of us. What can be done? No one knows except for Hubby. He had told me that this was not my fault and to keep my chin up and have a good day. It's hard. I'll have to go back home, pack my things up again and go up to my MIL's house so that he can have time to think and regroup. I have known him for 8 years, in and out. I usually can look him in the eye and know what's going on with him. I can do that now and all I see is darkness. He woke up this morning and all I saw was anger and sadness. I couldn't understand. I'm a woman and shouldn't want to fix things but this I want so desperately to fix. He is in a lot of pain and I think that some of it has to do with him asking me to come home and not seeing her. I think he misses her.

So here I am again, trudging back up the hill to the house tonight. . . alone, confused, depressed and waiting for some sort of absolution and peace for both of us and for her too. I don't know how she feels but I'm sure it's not comfortable right now. My mother's day is going to be an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure how it will play out.

Happiness and the List

2008-05-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

I have been unhappy for a while now and all of it is of my own making. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. I am making a list of all of the good things about me that I know of to help:

I am caring
I am pretty
I am smart
I am witty
I am diligent
I am loving
I am strong (still working on that)
I am creative
I am reliable
I am loyal
I am sexy
I'm a good mom
I am a good mate (hopefully that will show itself again)
I am a good cook
I'm a good lover
I'm a good daughter
I stand up for myself and others
I'm good with numbers
I'm good with words

Now for the bad things which will help me put things into perspective:

I have a bad temper
I cuss too much
I am too quick to judge others
I listen to others when I should follow my heart
I'm not the best house keeper
I'm not the best with car maintenance
I'm no good with money (but I'm trying!)
I turn my feelings off when I'm hurt
I am impulsive
I can be hateful
I hold grudges
I am vengeful
I don't listen as carefully as I should

Let's see. . . . that's 19 good things and 13 things that I dislike about myself. Maybe I"m pretty balanced but after looking at this list, I know there are some things that I can sit and sulk about or things that I can try to work on to be a better person. I think I'm taking choice number 2. I'm tired of being unhappy. I am ready to make myself happy again. I hope that Hubby can see this list too and know how freeing it is to know what your faults and strengths are that you can work on.

Confusion

2008-05-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

2 days ago I was awaiting a very important decision from Hubby. . . whether he wanted me or not. I pulled up at the house after being beyond stressed as to what his decision would be and he threw his arms around me and told me "welcome home". I cried and had a magnificent night. We talked and connected and we decided that I would move back in. I was so happy. My family was finally coming together. My man was back in my life, my little boy was ecstatic and I was content.

Yesterday I ran like a mad woman to get home. I had a tanning appointment and had to go to Walgreen's to pick up some stuff. I have put off working out this week to spend time with my family which it desperately needs. I got home and he tells me that he spend part of the day with the other girl that he just broke it off with and that he just wanted to be honest with me. It was hard to hear but okay. Then he asked how I would take it if he did end up going to FL. I told him that I would have to let him go if it would work with us. He also told me that within the first week and a half that they wanted to marry each other. That stuck in me like a hot sword that I couldn't remove. After 8 years, that was the last thing that I want to know especially considering that he couldn't connect that deeply with me to entertain the thought of marriage. Hurt isn't even the word to describe it right now.

In a nutshell, she's everything that I am not. She's funny, and lighthearted. She doesn't take anything too seriously. She's nice and pretty (that I am. . . I'm holding on to that trait by God!) She spends money on him hand over fist because she thinks he deserves it which he does but I can't do it. I spend my money on bills for the house. She's not bitter and has a good job. She thinks the world of him and thinks he walks on water. I don't think he walks on water but through my heart every single day. If I could, I would buy him all kinds of things to pimp him out. If I could, I would be happy go lucky and be nice to every person that I came across but the public isn't nice some of the time so now I have to learn the lesson of turn the other cheek. I have to take the things that come out of people's mouths and brush them off. I have to change dramatically for him to save our relationship.

This girl will wait. She has told him that. Why me? Why does she hate me so much to do this to both of us? He's confused, I'm confused. I came home last night and he told me all of this and I went right back into a state of depression. I am on trial again for the next month because he still doesn't know what he wants. Why take me back then? Who knows. Maybe because I'm comfortable and familiar. All I know is that I don't want to talk about her anymore. That's all he talks about. How can we get to us with talking about another person all the time? How can we get on with repairing our relationship when someone else is there waiting for a slip up? Some of the things that I was told last night were so hard to hear and all of them were about her and what she would do for him and how she wouldn't leave his side and how she would love him forever and how I left. That was always the premise. . . . I left. . . . I left. . . . I left. God I left and look at what happened. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know if I'm saying or doing the wrong or right things because obviously for the past 8 years I've been doing it all wrong. In one day I was so happy and within 24 hours, I'm depressed, confused and unsure as to where my place is. I used to be the princess of my castle and now I still feel like I'm a guest just waiting for the vacation to be over so that I can leave.

Pins and Needles

2008-05-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my son down to Hubby's house, got him a shower and we put him to bed. We sat up and talked while he ordered pizza for us and I paced back and forth in the carport. I had something very important to say to him.

I brought him out into the carport and pointed at him and told him that I wanted him to listen and that he couldn't say the word "but". I talked for 15 minutes straight. I told him that everything that we have been through that we have become and extension of the other. Leaving made me realize that. When I left, I left a piece of me with him and was lost. I told him that if we didn't work things out, that I would be a lost person because a piece of me would be with him and there is a part of him that is with me that I won't be able to understand because he would be gone. There are things about him that only I know and understand. I have shared ALL of me with him that nobody else has had the privilege of knowing. I will not allow another person to know that person and that it is a gift that I shared with him.

Leaving hurt both of us. Some people were happy that it happened but it wasn't us that was happy. I tried to be happy and find joy and think that I had made the right decision. All I kept doing was hurt myself and him. I have beat myself up everyday over this. I have tried to say the right words, make the right actions, be a better person, go through the motions of work and life and all of it has been agonizing.

This talk that we are having tonight between now and then is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. I have prayed over all of this for a while now asking God to give us strength to get through this. To make both of us better people for it and to make us stronger. I just hope that's how it ends up.

New Letter to Mom

2008-05-02T07:19:00.001-07:00

Hi Mom,

Now I'm mad at you. Since you left, I told everyone that it was for the best and that I was just grateful that I had what little time that I had with you. Now I am just fucking pissed.

You died on March 20th at 11:10am 2006. I got there 10 minutes late, alone, with strangers and no family except for you around and you were dead. I literally ran around an airport that I had never been to hysterical. Strangers were looking at me like I was a lunatic. I had no comfort so to speak. Hubby was back in St. Louis so the whole week while I was lost and confused, I drank my confusion away. I drank until I had no more liver and cried until I didn't care how many people looked at me funny. I wanted to come back home just to have the comfort of my family around me.

We never had a funeral for you. Nobody said any kind words for you for you leaving this earth. I put you in my backpack that was lent to me by one of your friends and I brought you home. I was picked up by my MIL at the airport and cried. I got home and saw Hubby and hugged him and tried to cry but was all cried out. . . .until now.

Now I am pissed, angry and in such a rage. Hubby took me out for your anniversary on the 20th to dinner and drinks. We didn't talk about your death and never really have. I don't know why and some of it may have had to do with all of the alcohol that we drank. It has just now hit me that I am so angry at God for taking you from me and for you leaving me. Why? Why did you leave me? Why? Hubby and I are having so many problems right now and I want to talk to him so badly about all of this, have him hold me, let me cry like I should have when I first found out that you died but I can't. So now not only have I lost you but I am loosing him too and it hurts me so much to know that I have no control over the future that I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up. I am so alone and so sad that I don't know what to do. I miss you so much and want to talk to you, hold you, be with you. I know you are so much happier where you are but why?

I was driving the other day and a song came on and it hit me so hard that I doubled over in half. I cried so hard and started screaming at you and punching the steering wheel. I have never felt so alone before in all my life and am so angry that you are gone. I just wish you would have taken better care of yourself so that you could see your grandchildren and see me. You asked Hubby to promise you to always take care of me and with all the problems that we are having right now, I don't know that he can. He says he will but the pain is so great and I have nobody to deal with it right now. I could talk to my MIL about this if I wanted to but I want to share this all with Hubby. He helped me find you, was there when I met you, knows how you made my life complete and when you died, my life was in turmoil. I didn't know that until now and now all I have is nothing and nobody to help me. I litterally wake up crying, go to bed crying, cry when I see my son, cry throughout the day, hear a song and cry. I feel like a big baby. I didn't know a human being could have that much hurt and tears in them.

I wish you were back and could hug your tiny body. My body has become yours and I am trying so hard to be healthy again and it is hard. If you are listening and can read this message, please help M understand that I need him now more than ever because I can't take much more of this.

Writing

2008-05-02T06:17:00.001-07:00

Writing seems to be the only way that I can get out what I need to. I'm going through a really bad period right now. I feel like the things that are most important to me in my life are slipping away from me.

I am living currently with my MIL for now so that I can be close with my son and to try to work things out with Hubby. I'll get to that aspect as far as Hubby and I are concerned later. Everything I did for my boy was wrong. He didn't listen, didn't like what I cooked him, told me he didn't want his Daddy and wanted to go home. Apparently this has been going on since I moved out and has been happening with Hubby as well while he is in his care from what I've been told. I made him fish for dinner and corn. Didn't like the fish and ate the corn but the whole thing was a battle. The whole time this was going on, I flitted about the house doing laundry, cleaning up and getting things situated. By the way, I'm on tranquilizers to calm my nerves and be able to sleep which are just barely working. Hubby had a dinner date last night with the girl that he is seeing to meet her parents. That was hard but I took it with a grain of salt. You have to give a little to get a little back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together.

I drank some beer last night while I was working, smoked some cigarettes and tried my best to be a mom to my son. It just wasn't happening. My son is going through a lot of changes that aren't fair and I know that I'm the cause of it. Making it right isn't something that I know how to do but am willing to learn and try for his happiness. In my mind, his happiness would be to have things the way they were. Cleaning the house, playing ball outside, mowing the grass, having his dad sit on the sofa watching TV or playing a video game, me cooking a big dinner, having people come over and visit. Our home was not an unhappy home. It was a pleasant functioning home. It had its ups and downs but the downs were outweighed by the ups.

I crab a lot and bitch a lot about a lot of trivial things. I can open my mouth and complain about the stupidest things. According to whoever happens to be there at the time, will give an opinion and IF I choose to actually listen, can either go in one ear or out the other. One day I bitched about Hubby and somebody told me that I could do better and deserved better. Not only did I not defend Hubby at the time because I was mad at him but I listened. I LISTENED WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE. It was the gravest mistake I could make. My choice has cost me my family and my love.

Now for the wrench in the works. While I was gone, Hubby found another girl to lean on. I don't know her and to be honest with you, I don't want to know her. I ask a lot of questions just because I want to know where I stand because I don't think I stand anywhere. He told me this girl is just like me but that there are things about her that he likes and things that he doesn't. . .same with me. Through all of this, I've learned that the person that you choose for your mate is one that you will take for good and bad. I know this man from the inside and out as he does me. I am also not willing to start all over again and allow someone else to know me that way. That is one thing that I only shared with him and my kids. Anyway, this girl asked him to dinner last night to meet her parents, sisters and aunt and uncle. For clarification we will call the girl S. Last night I woke up at midnight and say Hubby's light was on and called to see if he was having a hard time sleeping. He said no that he was talking with S and trying figure out what he wanted meaning she or I which is what I'm assuming. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at 5a this morning and got ready for work. When I dropped our son off, he was very cold which I knew some of it had to do with him being tired. I also saw pictures of him and her in a photo booth on his dash of his truck. I didn't have much to say because ALL of this hurts. . . . ALL of it.

I don't know what he wants or if he wants all of it. All of this is so complex. I want to be able to sit down with him and tell him I was wrong, tell him that I royally screwed up and that both of us need to change. I want to tell him why I love him and what it is about him that attracts me to him so much. I want to tell him the real reason why I left and the reason why I came back. I want to tell him how important OUR family is to me and should be to him. Things are rough but can always be worked out if you try hard enough. I am just so worry that I have come too late and that what I say doesn't make an ounce of difference. I can't say or do any of these things with another woman constantly there, texting, calling waiting for me to leave so that she can come over. None of that is fair nor is it right. I want things too in my life but I am taking steps back because I am worried if I push too hard that I will loose him. I have told him that I won't leave. I have told him that in the future if we argue that none of this will come up again and in all honesty, why should it? If we deal with this now, it shouldn't have a need to come up. If we do get back together, this will make us stronger than ever before. I just don't know if he can see that right now with having another person at his side distracting him. I just want my family and me to be whole and happy again . . . that's all I want.

Missing the Boat

2008-04-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

Some days I feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short. More recently I have felt that way. If only I had gotten there quicker or done it faster or thought of it first then maybe I would be on top.

The current situation that I am in I am fighting for my family and the love that will make me whole. Fighting? Yes. I am having to fight against something that is younger than I am and quicker than I am in getting to him. Allowing me the time to be able to prove and show and spend quality time together so that we can rekindle what we had is so hard right now. Every minute that I get to spend with him is so important to me. You don't realize what is gone until it's no longer there. I litterally feel like I'm in the middle of a romantic reality TV show and I'm one of those obnoxious girls that is going to get kicked of in the next episode.

I found out a few things. I found out that Hubby took this girl, our son and her daughter out to have ice cream one night. As silly as it sounds, it hurt me deeply because I wanted to go do that with him as a family and for 5 years we had the chance to do that and never did. I felt cheated and slighted. Also, 4th of July was a holiday that he and I would go and spend time remembering why we were together. We would go out of town for about a week and play, have fun and enjoy each other. Once again, someone else has beat me to the punch and he may be going to a different state all together. I found out yesterday that Hubby and the girl went to lunch. There have been plenty of times when our relationship has been on the rocks and I asked him to come up to lunch and he didn't. Why? All I wanted to do was spend time with him for a little while in our busy day.

This whole thing is like fishing and throwing a line and not catching a break to save my life. Yes, yes, yes, this is all my fault. Point taken. I want to plan a trip with my check that I will be getting from the government with him just the two of us to get away. I don't care when and I don't care where. . . although the sooner the better and I think I know where I want to go. I want to remember why we loved each other for 8 years. What else is there to do except be ther and lend a listening ear?

Limbo

2008-04-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

As some of you know I have moved out about a month ago. I thought it was for the best. . .me. As usual, it was for me and nobody else. I don't usually do anything for me but when I do, it's to the extreme. I thought I deserved better and thought that I could handle being on my own again. I know I can do it but I don't want to.

Hubby found someone else who apparently makes him happy but I don't think that deep down inside he is. I can look at him and know just by looking in his eyes that he is a broken soul and knowing that I did that just crushes me. Many of you are going "but Issy! Look at all of the things that Hubby did to you!!!" Yes, Hubby did many things to me and for me. I am going to put a boring list of those things that either you can choose to read or not:

Loves me
Went through hell and back and are still going through it
Dealt with a miscariage
Dealt with a death of two brothers
Dealt with the death of my mother
Dealt with a disfunction family
My best friend
Someone that I can take care of
Someone who I could trust to take care of me when it came to my seizures
Someone who if asked would give me the world
Gave me a son
Gave me eight years of myself and his
Taught me how to tolerate
Taught me how to be patient
Taught me how not to hate
Taught me how to be open
Showed me that I am beautiful
Told me that I was a super mom

This is a short list compared to reality. My reality is is more complex than above. I don't get to cook for my familyk, do laundry for my family, lay down with my family, take care of my man, love my man. . . I have to love him from a far. I was so angry with him and I don't know why. I can analyze it all day long and it won't matter. What is done is done and I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. No matter what I do is wrong and I am trying to find the answers to get things one by one back to where they can be to make every one happy and whole. That's the whole point. Nobody in this situation is whole. Everyone is broken in some way.

It was Hubby's birthday this past weekend. I bought him a watch from me, a figurine from his little boy and baked him a yummy cake. When he came up he already had a watch on that another girl had bought him and didn't want the cake. It hurt. It seems that no matter what I do to show him that I love him, it's wrong. I can't change the past but can rectify it. I love him for all of his good qualities and his bad, just the same as what I would want someone to do for me. We all have good and bad in us and when we find someone that is willing to accept us for both and not just the good then that is your sould mate. Someone that is willing to walk through those dark times with you when you feel most alone. When I left, I know I did a terrible thing. I am so ashamed of what I did and wish I had just stayed. I want to ask him so badly "what can I do to make it so?" It seems like all he sees in me are my bad qualities and none of the good. Time heals all wounds and I'm hoping that is the case for this one.

The good out of all of this is that I am spending more time with my son. I love him very much and hope he can be the big band aid that can patch things up with us.

Update

2008-04-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in almost 2 months! I'm awful!

I've gone through a lot of changes within the last two months. Some for the good, others not so much.

I moved out of my home 3 weeks ago and am staying with my good friend Barbarian and her hubby. So far everything is going very well with the arrangement. They have a very happy household and is even keel there. I have been looking online each day and calling places to rent. I haven't rented a place in 15 years so this is all somewhat new to me. . . especially the prices! And then there's the credit checks, yuck. I have 3 places that I'm looking at within the next week that I'm excited about so we'll see. Now all I need is furniture to fill up the blasted place and I'll be set. . . .

Then there's the severed ties from the past with my old hubby. That whole scenario is like a ship getting ready to capsize in the middle of a turbulent storm. Talking on the phone just to situate basic tasks is cumbersome. It may start out as somewhat civil and then blow up into this big, ugly shouting match usually coming from him. I've stayed pretty quiet through all of this. I don't have much to say. A lot of what has fueled the whole "break up" had to do with his mouth and how I was being treated and the role he was taking in not only our relationship but our son's. Some days I think I did the right thing and others I don't. I know my friends will smack me for saying that. I had one who asked me how I could question my choice but I did. I don't expect anyone to relate to what I did or am going through or to be able to understand all of the complex and confusing feelings that I have right now. I can't even identify half of the feelings that I am having right now. Unfortunately I have a really bad habit of turning things off when I don't like how I feel especially when it's lasting for a long period of time. Right now I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable. I'm going through the motions of a lot of things yet not making any major decisions.

I miss my son terribly. It's hard when someone is telling you that you are a piece of trash and that you don't amount to anything. I'll have to write later. . .right now there's just too much to say and it's just way to hard to say it all.

Zumba!

2008-02-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

I am taking my first Zumba class this evening. I am so excited! I keep watching a clip on You Tube of what it is and can't wait to take it! It's a combination of aerobics, salsa, cha-cha and hip hop dance. Being a dancer for over 10 years when I was a small girl, I've longed for taking up the hobby again.

I spent the majority of the day online researching what exactly it is and who the instructor is on the You Tube clip. Her name is Tanya Beardsley and she is a master Zumba instructor. I also investigated the clothes she's wearing. She and quite a few other participants are wearing something called UFO pants which are comfortable cargo pants that give you a lot of room to move around in. I called my 16 year old yesterday and asked her if she knew what they were. She knew them by another name an actually had a pair. I found a website that sells them but I'm not buyin for $64 a pop. I'll find a pair but first I want to see what this class is like tonight. . . with my luck I'll think it's supposed to be one thing and it'll end up being something completely different.

You should look this woman up. She is amazing! The way she is built, the way she moves, it's mezmerizing. I used to be able to move my body in just about any direction that I wanted to. People used to be in awe of the fact that I could grab my foot and put it straight up and over my head. Now that I'm a little closer to 40, my feet haven't seen the clouds in decades. However, I've been taking an aerobics class for a couple of months now and it's limbered me up quite a bit so that I can move more freely that I could before. My goal is to be as flexible as I was before, understand current dance moves and master them with my own style and to get back into shape. I'm not far away from being back into shape. I've been working hard on that and my efforts are paying off.

One of the biggest things that I loved about dancing is that you can make it your own if your comfortable in your own body. As I've gotten older, I've become uncomfortable in my body. I think that's the biggest problem that I have today. My good friend Barbarian has told me time and time again that I am too hard on myself. I think that I more or less just have a body that I can't move the way that I'd like it to nor am comfortable with. With exercise and trying out new venues of movement, I should be able to overcome that. I know that when I master something, I can make it my own and put my own style on it. . . I'll keep everyone up to date on how this class pans out. Wish me luck everyone!

Is it that hard to be nice?

2008-02-26T09:36:00.000-08:00

I had a guy that came to the office today to serve a subpeana. Most of the time these guys (or girls) are pretty ignorant. As this is my place of employment, I don't care either way.

The delightful gentleman enters the building and asks my receptionist if he can drop it with our payroll department. Apparently our company needs to provide documentation in a deposition. She looks confused as I walk by and asks me what to do with this fine upstanding individual. I tell him that our payroll department is not located here but in another location that is about a half an hour away. I smiled and felt bad for him but he didn't know that where I work is not our corporate office.

"Well can't you just accept it and forward it on yourself?!?!?!"

My God!

I had completely forgotten how incredibly cold and hateful these people can be. I was so shocked at this man's reaction to me helping him that I was almost speachless and told him that I guessed I could do that. Afterwards I wished I had told him that I was so impressed by his imense capacity of professionalism that it moved me to the ends of the earth. That because of his actions and how he held himself, it made me want to go back to school. . . . .what a total dick.

Why the hell can't people just try to be nice for two bloody seconds???????????

On a serious note. . . .

2008-02-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

I have epilepsy.

I don't talk about it much mostly because I'm embarassed by it. People have told me for years not to worry about it, that I can't help it, whatever. You try having something where you have no control over your body and see how you feel. Being knocked unconcious and knowing that people that you care about are standing around you trying to do the best that they can for you is a helpless feeling.

I had a seizure on Friday at work. It's the 3rd one that I've had since I've been employed here. At one point in time there was an admin who "said" that she had a seizure disorder and was out quite a bit because of it. . . . or so she said. It really pissed me off because I have a seizure disorder and I have no problem coming in.

Either way, I knew that something was not right on Friday morning. I shouldn't have come in to work. I should have stayed home but I didn't. Instead I came in and started working. I was busy puting in a supply order and that was the last thing that I remembered. Next thing I know, I had my head in one of my coworkers laps, the paramedics were there and M was on the phone trying to talk the paramedics out of taking me to the hospital. Apparently I had bit my tongue so bad that I had blood running out of my mouth when it was going on which if someone hasn't ever seen a person having a seizure, would be pretty freaked out. That's what I'm more worried about than anything else.

I spend the majority of my life with these people. I don't want them to be scared of me but I'm afraid that they are. I sent two emails to my boss and he still hasn't responded. He will be out of town for the next week so he will have a week for all of this to sink in. I just wish he would tell me that everything is okay. It's not knowing that's really bothering me. I know I can't be fired because of a physical ailment but when you work closely with someone it's hard not to think that something like this would affect them. I know that probably sounds stupid.

I came in to work today and talked with a bunch of my friends who took care of me and told me what happened. One person who wasn't here on Friday asked if I had done crack. Another coworker and I both looked at him and told him that wasn't funny. Some people don't know what to say when they have to deal with something that is uncomfortable and end up saying the absolute wrong thing. I've learned that throughout the course of my life with this.

M was the best with all of this. He came and got me on Friday with his dad and my son. My son didn't know what was going on. He just knew he was picking mommy up. M took me home and I slept all day and all night. Having a seizure takes a lot out of you. I don't know what is going on at the time but find out all of the little bumps, bruises and scrapes afterwards and those usually paint a colorful picture of what happened. The fact that I can't taste anything STILL is pissing me off. I bit my tongue so hard that I stuck it in a steaming hot cup of coffe and couldn't feel anything. I have no idea whether or not I have blisters on my tongue or not.

My biggest thing is this: If I had one thing I could change in my life, what would it be? It would definately be having epilepsy. If I could take a pill or wave a magic wand to get rid of it, I would. I hate having it. . . . .

Road Trip!

2008-02-19T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am so excited! My best friend and I have finally scheduled a trip for May. We will be going to our favorite wine town, getting massages, hitting all of the local wineries and finishing with a nice dinner at one of the local wineries who has FABULOUS food!

The best part of all of this is that it is all coming together so smoothly. We both know what we want to do, have bounced ideas off of each other and can't wait for the next two months to go by. Both of us have been so busy with work, extra cirricular activities, family life and just life in general that we haven't had the time or the energy to connect. This is giving us the opportunity to appreciate our relationship, remember why we are friends in the first place and be grateful that we don't have to work out, hop in the car and race to our jobs, make sure we get to practice on time, hurry to another doctor's appointment and squeeze in what we will be eating for the day.

Our itinerary is as follows:

Leave my house at around 8:30am
Eat fruit, muffins, water and tea on the way down there
Check in around 10am
Have our massages done around 11am and be finished around 1pm
Pour ourselves into the car and hit at least 7 of the wineries
Come back to our room (oh did I mention that it's on the premises of the massage shop?) and get ready for a nice dinner
Come back to our room again and drink some of the wine that we have purchased that day

We will be there during the spring so it should be absolutely GEORGOUS! I can't wait for the great weather, awesome company and fantastic time we will have! I can't wait!

Passive Agressive

2008-02-18T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have ANOTHER coworker here at my office who is a freak. He exhibits mega doses of passive agressive behavior and it is an absolute hoot to watch.

The first time I was subjected to this was a few years ago when he was eating lunch (it is always when he is eating lunch for some reason). I paged him a few times because he was getting quite a few phone calls. I didn't know he was eating. Next thing I know I'm being told not to page him anymore as it seems as though he was getting frustrated with me and ripped the phone off the wall in our break room. Oooooops!

This man's wife calls 7 times a day. . . swear! One time she asked me to pull him out of a meeting he was in just so she could ask him if she could use their credit card because she was out shopping! My hubby would BEAT me if I called that much! I don't even like my hubby well enough to call him that much! I tell people all the time that I come to work to get away from my family. . .

About a year ago, this man asks me to order toner for his printer. I politely asked him to get with his supervisor and find out who orders supplies for his division as he and i don't work for the same group. He became extremely sarcasitc and snide with me. I took a deep breath, found what little professionalism I could find and basically told him that I don't make enough money to tolerate his mouth. Also that just because his wife uses him as a whipping post at home doesn't mean he can come to work and take out his ill feelings on me just because I'm the only female in the office. We didn't talk for almost a year. . . up until right around this point.

Today, I was heating up soup in the microwave for my lunch. One of my guys was in the breakroom watching a movie he had brought from home. Mr. Passive Agressive comes in and tells him he's done watching the movie, that he is tired of all of these hour and a half to two hour lunch breaks and tells him to take his movie out of the DVD player. My coworker tells him that it's almost over and Mr. Passive Agressive walks over to the DVD player, opens it up, takes out the disc and hands it to my guy and tells him "well then you can finish it at home". Apparently he emailed our boss and told him that he was tired of people spending hours in the breakroom watching movies.

I got back to my desk and low and behold there was a nasty email waiting for me, addressed to my whole team. My supervisor yelled at all of us in this email. . . . thanks a lot dick. . . now all of us got in trouble for you acting like a big ass baby!

Who Are you?

2008-02-14T09:54:00.001-08:00

My 4 year old has been watching the movie Alice in Wonderland lately. There is a part of the movie where the reefer smoking caterpillar says to Alice in a ring of smoke "Whooooo Arrrrre Youuuuuu?" My son keeps repeating it over and over and over again.

It's made me think. The caterpillar is asking her for a reason. Most people don't know who they are nor do they have the time to care. I know I haven't . I've always thought I knew who I was. I also know that I've changed. I've changed into something that I know I like.

Years and years ago, I remember waking up one day and being really sad because I was angry all the time and had been my whole life. Everything made me mad. My work, my mom, strangers, friends, the food I ate, the choices I made, things that people said to me. . . . .the list is endless. I woke up that morning and remember it like yesterday. It was spring and in the morning. It was kind of warm outside but dewy. I asked myself in my head "Issy, how do you stop being a bitch?" Then my next biggest fear was not being able to stop and learn how to be nice. . . I didn't know how to do that. Every word that came out of my mouth was hurtful. Cutting people to the quick was my specialty and I was proud of it. But how do you turn a monster that you've created into something that you have no idea how to be?

It took YEARS. I still struggle every day. I told my boss last year to be grateful because I used to be a lot worse than I am now. He just looked at me with disbelief. Was I really that bad? Yes. I remember some of the hateful, hurtful God awful things that I would say to people just for shock value but mostly so that I could hurt them before they hurt me. If I could get people to feel so much pain that it intimidated them, then I felt comfortable. Knowing that I wasn't vulnerable to someone else's verbal abuse was something that I thought through before I even uttered one ugly word.

Today I try to think before I speak. It's becoming more and more of a gift to be able to tell someone something possitive and be rememberd for that instead of that hateful bitch who really had nothing productive to say except for tearing people down.

Who was I?:
A terrified, hurt girl who had a lot to offer but couldn't find it.

Who am I?:
A mature, seasoned woman who has spent a lot of time finding the good qualities burried deep inside and found the tools that were needed to get them out for everyone to see. I'm proud of the person that I've become and know that I have a lot to offer other people. Instead of hurting someone's life, I know that I have the ability to enhance it.

Last Night's Dream

2008-02-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

I've been fighting the flu for the past 48 hours and think it's on it's way out. I'm at work today because my doctor told me that as long as I am not running a fever that I'm not contagious.

That being said, I have been taking Nyquil at night just so that I can sleep. This drug does weird things to my dreams and makes me dream goofy things that otherwise I don't think I'd have the capacity to remember.

Last night I dreamt that I had to deal with my review which in reality I've been waiting on for the past 3 months. . . obviously subconsiously it's on my mind. Someone who is not my supervisor was giving my review and put in the comments that because of personal issues he had to base his decision on un-biast reasons. I got my review back and because I'm the admin here, I had to process everyone else's as well so I was able to see everyone's review. On a scale of 10,000, everyone else got a 10,000. I received an 8,100.

Maybe it's because I'm sitting on pins and needles right now waiting for my review to happen in real life and that a salary increase is due. Maybe it's because I'm scraping every penny together and will breathe a sigh of relief when I do find out what my increase will be. More than anything, I don't like not knowing what my supervisor thinks of my past performance last year. I don't know if' I've done well or not. In the back of my brain, I KNOW that I have. After last night's dream, I'm worried.

Happy Friday! (and thank you Uncle Sam)

2008-02-08T11:38:00.001-08:00

This Friday has been dull for me despite the major news that's going on right now. I even had one of my vendors call me from Tempe, AZ and asked "What's up with that guy that killed those 5 people?" Apparently this is now on a national level. Not to sound uncaring but the media has a really bad habit of dragging things out to the point where I feel like I'm missing out on current issues. For example, I had no idea that Romney had dropped out of the race. Yet in the Post, it was this little tiny blurb at the bottom of the front page.

I received a very nice surprise earlier this week. I filed our taxes on Sunday and by Wednesday my whole $18 from state had come in. Woo Hoo Uncle Sam! Who knew that the government could be so prompt and on top of things? This is one time that I commend and praise our government for getting me taken care of so quickly. Every time my FIL complains about how the government is purposely screwing him, I remind him of my 3 day return. Who could argue?

And what about the tax relief they are giving everyone who is a taxpayer? $600 per individual and $1,200 per married couple. Then I heard today that in addition to that they are giving children $300! I'm not sure where that came from or if I just wasn't listening intially at the time when they announced that but I was pleasantly pleased. Just whatever you do, don't tell my 16 year old that. . . she'll think it's time to go shop!

Bitching

2008-02-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

I am really going out on a limb on this. . . .

There is a guy that I work with at the office and all he does is bitch about EVERYTHING. It causes me to look at my own shortcomings and ask "do I crab, complain and bitch as much as he does?" Only reason why I have these discussions with myself is because I know how annoying it is to listen to him every day and hope that nobody thinks that I am that bad. . . . should I leave this earth, I want people to know me for the possitive things I did and portrayed in life.

This man has been sent to anger management classes because of his outbursts. He will go on a tangent about nothing to himself and all of my warehouse workers will flee like little cockroaches when the lights go on. One late afternoon, a coworker and I were in our offices in dead silence working diligently on some task. Out of the stark silence comes this loud string of obscenities. . .from him. I got up and went to the warehouse door. He is all by himself mumbling curses under his breath and then getting increasingly louder. . . .what a freak!

It's bad enough to be a grown up and throw a temper tantrum but to throw one all the time is rediculous. I threw an anniversary party for him for his 20th of service with our company. He complained about that. . ."it's nice and all but. . . " We just found out that our refrigerator is being stocked with complimentary sodas and he crabbed about that. Today's comment was the last straw. Our company doesn't have to give us free drinks. We could easily pay for them like we are currently doing. Why does he have to be so ungrateful?

I told a coworker of mine that sending him to an anger management class was not productive. If I was his supervisor, I would ask that he write at least 5-10 things DAILY that were possitive in his life and make sure that "but" was not used anywhere in the submission. . .

The Perils of Mardi Gras

2008-02-04T07:42:00.000-08:00

I went to Mardi Gras here in St. Louis on Saturday. The weather was really nice, kind of slushy but for the most part, it was great! In case some of you didn't know, I had some enhancement surgery done in August. I've been really excited about Mardi Gras this year and couldn't wait to take them for a "test drive".

The response was overwhelming. . . .I had a ton of beads when I left the festivities! I had more big ones than I have ever had before in year's past.

This year I went with a good friend of mine, her husband and a friend of theirs. My hubby had to stay at home to take care of the boy which is a whole other entry in and of itself so I'll save that one for a different day. We got down there at around 10:30am and had started drinking at about 9:30am. My friend made some sort of breakfast burritos for the ride down there and they were awesome! Also, this friend was the one that referred me to my plastic surgeon so I was excited to have here invite me.

We went to the parade, drank with some German guys and headed to my friend's apartment. There is always a crowd there and everyone is so nice. Barbarian was in the parade and we made arrangements to meet at our friend's apartment. We finally met up there after not seeing each other for a month or so and it was great!

As the afternoon went on, I became more and more intoxicated. I started stepping in puddles and getting soaked. People stepped in big slushy piles of grey snow and I just laughed it off. Soon I started noticing that the additional friend that they had invited kept whipping out his "pee-pee" which at Mardi Gras can warrant an arrest as well as a spot on the sex offender's list. It's not worth it. It got to the point where people were asking if he was going to whip it out "again". What the hell? This guy was getting no beads for showing his ding a ling so why keep it up? Especially when people are asking for a warning because they've seen enough already?

We finally ended up heading back to the car for the ride home. I was smart and sat in the back by myself thinking that I wouldn't have to worry about him. When we got to my girlfriend's sitters house, he pulled it out again! By this time, it's getting old and a wee bit creepy. My friend's husband would have blown a gasket had he seen all of this gross display of penis marketing!

We went back to her house where she went up to her bedroom and passed out. I asked her husband to take me home which he did.

The next day, I called her, told her I was stopping by the store for a coffee and asked if I could swing by which she said yes. She and I exchanged stories and she told me some really bizzare shit about this guy which made me wonder why he was asked to come in the first place. She told me that after her hubby took me home that the weird friend snuck up to her room and slipped into bed with her while she was passed out which she woke up from. She asked him what his fucking problem was and kicked him out. She then said that her hubby had just come home as he was walking down the stairs and ended up bypassing him so that he didn't find out.

Aside for the surreal freak of nature who went with us, Mardi Gras was awesome. . . again! I can't wait for Mardi Gras 2009!

Warning! Snow!

2008-01-31T07:49:00.001-08:00

I live in St. Louis where the easiest job in the nation can be found. . . .a meteorologist. All a meteorologist in St. Louis needs is a rock:

If rock is wet it's raining
If rock is white it's snowing
If rock is hot, temp is up
If rock is swinging, it's windy
If rock is gone there's a tornado

See, I could be a meteorologist!

We have a forecast of accumulated snow of about 5-7" starting today and going into tomorrow evening. What's that? Did I hear a rumor that possibly it's been upgraded to 12" now? The unfortante thing about living in St. Louis too has to do with the fact that there are a lot of people with idle time on their hands and room to come up with grandiose rumors. How can one be a weatherman in this town with THAT working against them along with unpredictable weather?

Oh. . . latestest update. . . .our winter "watch" has been cancelled and replaced with a winter "warning". If you don't hear from me within a week, you know that I got snowed in.

Upcoming Election

2008-01-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'm mostly writing this because it's my 101st entry and even more so my friend Barbarian will comment.

As most of you know, I am not a registered voter therefore I do not feel as though I need to share my opinion with politics. If I did want to share my views, I would register. However, I have been inundated with politics lately. Hillary is in this city and now she has her daughter campaigning for her. . . not to mention her adulterous husband is "lending a hand" so to speak. Here's an interesting thought to ponder: What if Hillary is elected president and she gets caught in the Oval Office gettin the nibble? Will it be a public crisis for all to judge or will we just call it tit for tat since the ol hubby got to do it?

Then there's Obama. He's in the same varying states as Hillary but he's a horse of a different color so what will happen with that? The Ku Klux Klan has already made a public announcement about if he were to be elected so why would the public even consider someone with a death threat over their head? We'd pick that poor man and he'd be dead within the week. Would the Ku even have time to vote while they are plotting their assassination? Priorities people, priorities. You've got to take the Ku seriously. . . you know they mean business. . . they even tried to adopt a highway and we all know how that panned out.

Then there's poor Mr. Edwards. Where does he fit into everything? He's kind of like Where's Waldo. . . He's the third wheel. . .the little kid that got left out.

Don't get me started on all of the "little guys" like Romney and McClain (If I spelled it wrong don't be offended. . . I'm too lazy to look it up). Mit had some sort of controversy about his religion and where he stood at in society at one point of time and now poof! He looks like he'd be a great president so why not pick him? They did studies on who "looked" like the better president aesthetically speaking. . . .are you flipping kidding me? Are good looks going to get us out of a health care crisis? Are good looks going to stop the war from happening? Are good looks going to stop the recession that is going on in this country?

My basic point is this: I'm glad that I'm not a voter. How would I know what to vote on? If there is this much drama that the public has to weed through just to find out what these candidates are REALLY about, how can they possibly expect the public to make a fair, educated guess? I have a really bad feeling that this is George W. all over again. . . . good luck folks! At least I can say that I didn't contribute.

Progress not perfection. . .

2008-01-25T06:29:00.000-08:00

I have busting my ASS with getting in shape for this coming summer. We have a boat that we go out on a number of times during the year and in the past I would wear my bikini, look in the mirror get depressed and then go grab a number of alcoholic items and begin the process of not caring. After you've had a lot to drink, you don't really care what you look like and I looked like the dairy department. . . . cottage cheese anyone?

I had my weight training class last night and it's tough! I have skipped it a couple of times because I can't walk the next day but I figure if I'm consistent with it, I'll be able to get out of bed sometime and be really fit all at the same time. If anything, all this exercise is making me sleep like a log at night and my alcohol consumption has be drastically cut back.

Last night I came home from my class and decided to try on my old bikini that I used to wear but knew it was a bit too small for me. I put it on last night and was absolutely shocked. There was nothing sticking out over the top of the bottoms in front and I could actually wear the bottoms a around my hips instead of hiking it up and tucking all the extra fat inside. I turned around and my butt actually looked toned. It's a playboy bunny bikini which is purple iridescent and it's a string so there's not too much to it. When I saw it, it looked great on the hanger and looked okay on me. Now it looks awesome! I ran out to the family room to show hubby. . . .

He told me that he has noticed a drastic change in my body and to keep up the good work! I am so proud of the work that I've done. I just never thought I'd be able to accomplish this! Just some stats:

I've lost 10 pounds since Thanksgiving - down to 135 pounds
I've lost 4 inches around my hips within the past year
I've lost 6 inches around my waist within the past year
I've lost 2 inches from my neck within the past year
I can't wear my size 10 pants as I walk out of them which at one point in time, that was my goal size. . . now it's a size 6 which is what I wore like 10 years ago

I have literally changed my body and feel awesome about it! The biggest benefit is that other people can see it to so I know I'm not kidding myself. . .in the past the mirror has always lied or else told a very ugly truth in my eyes. Now I don't need a mirror! I have other people that notice my progress and encourage me to keep going! Thanks everyone for the great support!

Public Schools

2008-01-23T12:38:00.000-08:00

My 4 year old goes to a specialized public school that is offered by my district that is free because it is funded by the taxpayers such as myself. He goes for speech and for his behavior both of which he has improved on greatly but still needs more work.

About 2 weeks ago, our son started acting out. One day it was "school" and the next it was daycare but we could never clearly see a pattern as to where it was coming from. Finally last Thursday, everything came to a head. He had a meltdown at school and then another one later on at daycare. When I say meltdown I mean growing horns and a tail and he is throwing his pitchfork directly at your face because that's where he posted the bull's eye. When asked what was wrong, he couldn't tell you if the sky was blue. Some of that has to do with his language and being able to create sentences out of ideas in his head.

He didn't go to school on Friday because they are closed on Friday and he was sick on Saturday and Sunday with a fever. On Monday we had a holiday so school was closed and yesterday the weather was bad so they closed it that day too. I also forgot to add that everyday for the past 2 weeks he's told me that he doesn't want to go to school. This morning was his first day back in 5 days. For a 4 year old, that would be plenty of time to forget whatever it was bothering him in the first place to make him not want to be there. Not the case today. He tried to tell me that school was closed today and that he couldn't go because it wasn't open. When he was at daycare and they tried to put him on the bus to get him to school, he threw an awful fit and threw his coat and book bag and started screaming. . . .

I'm sorry, children don't do that for no reason at all. There has GOT to be a reason why he is acting like this. I want to make one thing clear before I go further, I do not condone this behavior, nor do I make excuses for it. However, in order for me to be a good parent, I need to know WHY it's happening in order to help my child. My son does not have the skills to be able to explain why a leaf is green or why he had to go potty earlier. He just knows that he did it. His cognitive skills are in need of a lot of work.

I have been going back and forth with the "school" and they insist that he has ADHD and that he needs medicine. They claim that everything that is wrong with my son has to do with his attention issues or that they think we starve him or keep him up at all hours of the night or that the daycare that we chose for him is inadequate. Never mind the fact that they do not take responsibility for their role in his life even though he spends approximately 25% of his day with them throughout the week.

So I asked them the mind blowing question today of "Within the past month, has my son been successful within your program and if so, how. . . give me some examples". I was told that he is successful at recess and doing things that only he wants to do. Fucking mind boggling! Who knew he needed such comprehensive help with running around outside and being a kid?

People, this is what your tax dollars are going towards. I just got done paying personal property taxes and saw that I was paying over $400 alone to the school district annually. My taxes were just shy of $700 so you can easily do that math. My question is if I'm paying so much money for the school system, why am I not getting better care? I have a coworker that doesn't even have children and he has to pay the same amount that I do! That's a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. I'd be pissed as hell if I had no children AND I had to pay for a crappy public service that was the most expensive allocation on the breakdown. I would think that fire and sewer. . . things that ALL of us benefit from would be up there but no. The highest paid government facility which happens to be the shittiest out of all of them gets the most money.

I've talked extensively with hubby and equally as much with my daycare provider who has a degree in early childhood education. Both have a unanimous opinion that he needs to come out of this program. What bothers me more than anything is that there is something going on that someone is not being honest about and my son doesn't have the ability to tell me what that is. Either way, he is not going there any longer. . . .

Is it that hard to bathe??????????

2008-01-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hubby has been off of work for a while now. He inundates himself with video games and reality. . . literally. So last night I ask him (because he smelled of the funk) when the last time it was that he thought it completely necessary to bathe. He tells me Tuesday of last week. . . . .

WTF???????????????????????

Okay ladies, what woman in their right mind would want to fuck something that has not been cleaned in almost a week let alone go down on that?

And boys (I say boys because a real man would know to find the soap and washcloth and use the son of a bitch) what would ever posses you to think that a woman would find the toe jam that had made its way up to your ball sack even remotely appealing?

I just don't understand it. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I could say the same about shaving but I don't just because I can't stand myself. Maybe it's a guy thing. I think it must be. I don't know too many woman that can go 3 days let alone a whole week without bathing. It's just nasty.

My god the crosses that I have to bear in life. . . . . .

Little Ones Getting Sick

2008-01-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend my son got very ill. He had an awful cough and started running a temp. Then he started coughing so much that it made him puke. Yuck.

Taking care of a wee one is hard when they are so small. My son had RSV when he was an infant and that was exhausting. Just trying to do everything in your power to make them feel better and knowing that nothing works is heartbreaking. All weekend long my little boy would come up to me and tell me that he loved me so much and that I was his best friend. He also kept up with his manners to which there was an overabundance of pleases and thankyous.

I was up at 4am this morning dealing with the cough. Then I was up at my normal time of 6am to get myself ready for work. Right behind me was my little sicko looking like a crime scene. He had apparently had a confrontation with his nose. There was blood everywhere. He was doing his best to clean it up too which for whatever reason I found sweet. I guess he was tired of mommy taking care of him all weekend. I cleaned him up and sent him back to bed where he went to sleep.

Later this morning I talked to hubby. He told me that the bloody nose didn't stop at 6am this morning. It had been going on throughout the morning. So on top of having a bad cough, looking like someone kicked him upside his head and having two bright red circles on his cheeks from his temperature, he can't keep his nose from bleeding. I feel so bad for him!

Happy Friday!

2008-01-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday all!

Yesterday was rotten. My child was out of control and my coming home last night involved the police and a lot of emotional distress but today is a new day.

Today I'm focusing on all of the positive things that my day has to offer:

No stopped up ear
Less choking and hacking
A sore body from last night's workout which means I pushed my limit
A great staff meeting this afternoon
Free lunch provided by the company which I got to order for the meeting
Enough gas in my car to get me home
Not having to drop my kid off at daycare because he was so naughty yesterday that daddy had him stay home with him to do chores
Knowing that there is a present for me when I get home that comes in a little blue can

I had all of my stress packed into an 8 hour period of time yesterday. I looked at today as an opportunity to forget about yesterday and move on

Little Jonny

2008-01-16T10:50:00.001-08:00

Can you find the deviant in this picture?

I saw this picture and it immediately reminded me of my own son. Not many mothers will admit that their child is evil my my 4 year old is. When you find the kid in this picture who isn't right, then you've found my son's evil twin.

Earlier this week I got a call from my daycare provider. In the background I could hear my sweet boy screaming just to be screaming. When she asked if he wanted to talk to me he put his hands over his ears and started screaming louder. Later on I found out that he had thrown chairs at his teacher, broke crayons and threw those at her as well and then decided it was a good idea to throw scissors at her as well.

God I'm so glad I got my tubes tied. . . .

Unhealthy

2008-01-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

I have had bronchitis for the past two weeks and the week prior to that I had a sinus infection which is what led to the bronchitis. I've had antibiotics, Vick's rubbed on my chest and even had Vick's rubbed on me feet before I went to bed. I'll try anything at this point.

I woke up early this morning to get to work early because I had a ton of things to do before 10a today. I got out of the shower and cleaned my ears with Q-Tips. One ear felt extremely awesome when I cleaned it. . . more so than usual. . . so good that I wanted to stand there all morning and just clean that ear. Well now I know why. Now I can't even hear out of that ear. I feel like I'm inside of a tin can or in the pool and people are trying to talk to me. I told my boss that I couldn't hear out of that ear right when he walked in this morning. He tried addressing me a few times and I couldn't hear him. I told him to throw things at me if he needed me. . . it was that bad.

So I told a co-worker about my bum ear. He tells me to take some olive oil and garlic and heat it up in the microwave and then dip a cotton ball into the mixture and shove it into my ear and that will make my ear all better. What the hell is it with these home remedies? Do I look like I live in a village and the village witch doctor is on vacation? No. Hubby and I were talking about this last night when a WebMD commercial came on. I told him that sure it's a great site but why would you waste your time going to a site, diagnosing yourself just to find out that you really do need meds, have to actually go to the doctor to have him tell you the same thing just so that you can get a prescription to make yourself feel better. I would rather just go to the doctor in the first place. I'm sure there is nothing more annoying to a doctor than a patient that goes to the WebMD site first and then strolls into his office to tell him how to do his job because they already went to the site. I would hate to be a doctor if that's the case.

An Idle Mind. . . .

2008-01-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

Ever heard the term "An idle mind is the devil's playground?" I grew up on that term and it's true. Have you ever seen a person with too much time on their hands or not enough to do?

I have had the same routine for the longest time:

Get up at 6a
Get kid up and lay his clothes out so he can get dressed
Get a shower and get ready for work
Pack up the kid at 7:30a
Drop kid at daycare
Go to work
Do work
Leave work at 4:30p
Pick up kid at daycare
Go home and maybe cook some dinner maybe not
Spend rest of evening in bedroom relaxing and drinking a beer
Pass out at 10:30p

That is the most mundane schedule I have ever seen. Anything exciting in there? I don't see it. I have literally forced my schedule to be chuck full of stuff for ME. I now (in addition to the exciting schedule that you see above) take a cardio class for an hour on Mon and Wed. I also take a weight training class for an hour right after work on Tues and Thursdays and also take a water aerobics class on Saturday morning for an hour. The earliest that I get home is on Friday at 5p. The rest of the nights, the latest that I get home is at 9p.

I started doing the whole self help thing because I was depressed about my physique. I'm going to be 40 in a few years and I don't have the body I once did. I need to start taking care of myself. At first I wanted to just loose weight. Now I don't care. I'm toning up so much that I'm loosing inches more than loosing weight which is way more important. I make sure that I consume the right amount of calories according to what I think I might burn that evening. It helps and I've had quite a few people ask if I've lost weight when in reality I really haven't which means it's working!

I also noticed that with a full schedule, I don't have time to fight with hubby, I want to cook and have a plan ahead of time of what I'm going to fix. When I do get home at night, I do dishes, a load of laundry and do a little picking up around the house. With hubby being home most of the time, he does the majority of the cleaning so I just have a little to do when I get home and when I leave in the morning, the house is spotless and we have clothes to wear. I don't have time to come up with excuses why something didn't get done or why the house is a disaster. Hubby supports my new schedule and it makes me feel good that I'm doing it.

It's been a long time since I've done something solely for me and on such a consistent basis.

Ungrateful People

2008-01-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

Okay. . . . had to share this one. . . .

I went to the mall this weekend with my 16 year old. We went to a mall in an upscale neighborhood that I grew up in and have despised it for years because of the people that mill about and live there. Most of the people that are there are rude, self centered and egotistical. They have been for years which is why I moved south at an early age. I thought that it might get better but it has not. We went shopping there because my parents live in the neighborhood and I came by for a visit.

We shopped for a brief moment at the mall, I was stepped on by a group of prosti-tots and aggravated and then we decided to leave. I had parked a far distance from the mall because of how crowded it was and didn't mind. It was a pretty day on Saturday. At the beginning of the lane that I parked in I noticed an SUV towards the end of the lane waiting for someone to pull out so that they could have their parking spot. I noticed at the front of the lane that there was a parking spot that was available and motioned to the car that there was a spot to park. My daughter told me after I flailed my arm about that this was a spot reserved for expecting women. Oooops! My bad.

We got to the end of the lane where the car was still waiting and the woman in the car rolled her window down and informed me that she could not park there as it is reserved for expectant mothers as if I had done it on purpose. Wouldn't a simple "thank you" have sufficed? Is it so hard to just be polite and recognize that someone was trying to help you, you ungrateful bitch?

I get to my car and pull out just as this woman is getting out of her car. . . .yep. . . she needed to park far away. Seems as though she needed to burn a few thousand calories or better yet, she could have parked in the spot that I pointed out and I don't think that anyone would have questioned her. . . .ungrateful witch. I hope you don't find one sale and have to pay double for what you came for!

Unconditional Acts of Kindness

2008-01-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

I had to bring up this subject as it really made me think about my past yesterday. Yesterday my MIL called me yesterday and asked that I drive her to the surgery center for an out-patient procedure. My FIL had tore his rotator cuff the previous day and was not healthy enough to do the job. I drove her there, stayed, drove her home, picked up her scripts, took hubby to her office to pick up her vehicle and called at 4:30p to make sure that she had eaten and taken her meds. I also told both of them to call me to help with the laundry and to help around the house. I did all of this because they needed help. Nothing more. No "I hope I get something in return if I do this for them". Just the simple fact that they needed someone to help them and I knew that if I were in that situation that I would want someone to help me too. . . unconditionally.

In my family however, if my mother does something for you, she expects something in return. For example, if she takes my 89 year old grandmother to the doctor she expects my grandma to take her to lunch after the appointment. It bothers my grandmother as it rightfully should. The only reason why I know that it bothers her is because she has told me. Thankfully, my dad is not the same.

It's hard being raised in a family where you are taught that if you would like to have something done for you, you better be expected to pay up. This is a "program" that I have had the great displeasure of trying to kick. I don't want people to know that I would be like that. I have tried my whole life to not be that way. The only place where I am like that is at work only because I am being paid to do a job. However, even at work, with the coworkers that I have that I am close to, I still try to do things in a charitable manner.

Why is my mother like that and so many other people in society? I don't know. Don't really care either. I do know that it is an ugly, self righteous trait that I would not be proud to posses.

Final Fantasy?

2008-01-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

Hubby has been playing Final Fantasy XI for years now. It's an interactive, online video game where he gets to be a character, cast spells, talk to others, kill enemies, cook, trade, buy. . . you name it. Every year at the same time, he is unemployed due to his job which is seasonal. For those of you that don't live in Missouri, we have pretty crappy winters. Every winter we struggle with bills, he plays his game, I go in the bedroom and watch tv and do housework.

This year I decided to start taking workout classes at the Y so that I would feel better about myself. I've already taken one session and loved it. This session I'm taking 3 classes which is a total of 5 days of class. My classes are geared around my schedule so that hubby won't have to pick up the boy or stop what he's doing. It works well. . . . at least thus far.

I came home last night after a 5p class and picked up my little one. He will be starting kindergarten next year and needs to know his phone number, address and how to tie his shoes to get in. He mastered the phone this past weekend and we were working on the address in the car on the way home. We get to the house and I tell hubby that he and I were working on his address and that he was getting pretty good at it when hubby tells me without looking at me that he has been working on a maze for 2 hours and is frustrated. What the fuck does that have to do with your kid learning his address?????????????????????

Next case in point - over the weekend I had rented room 1408 to watch with hubby. We didn't get to watch it until 10p because of his game and then got pissed at me when I fell asleep in the middle of it.

Other case in point - sex. Need I say more? Because folks, the only time you'll see sex in our relationship is as a word on this page. I refuse to be woke up at midnight for a bootie call because you were too involved in your game.

My girlfriend had a problem with her husband playing a video game all the time. She finally had to give him times that he was allowed to play. I have thought of times that I wanted to take the hard drive and smash it or accidentally scratch it or screw up some of the drive space and replace it so that it looked like an accident. I'm tired of spending the whole winter season in my bedroom like a kid who is being punished. I'm tired of watching my cushions in my sofa get broken down from his big ass not moving for 15 hours straight (yeah and let's not forget that he tries to get laid after basting in his juices for 15 hours. . . .yeah that's real attractive!)

"Final Fantasy". . . .doesn't that mean that there is an end in sight somewhere in the near future? This game is misleading. Why don't they call it "The Crack Game" or "Out of Touch with Reality"? That would be more realistic. I would even buy "15 Hours of Misery". I know he wouldn't buy that game but if it were the hottest game of the season and he had it on his wish list for Christmas, I would heed the warning in the title alone. This Final Fantasy title is a farce and it's fucking up my home life.

Issy's New Year's Eve

2008-01-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I decided to go out for New Year's this year. Every year for the past 8 years we have had massive bonfire and everyone has gotten stinking drunk including us. I usually fall down at least 3 times and have unexplained bruises from my drunken frolic in the lower field in the dark. One year I was climbing on top of a brush pile when my foot got stuck in between some branches and my leg wouldn't move. I fell backwards with my foot still stuck and landed on my back on a roll of barbed wire. I woke up the next morning with a huge bruise on my back and just couldn't figure out how that got there! With years of all of that hoosier excitement, how could I even dream of doing something sane?

Well I did. Hubby and I made reservations at a hotel that was 5 miles from the casino that we go to about once a year. They had a package deal for New Year's and the price was decent so we made our plans. Hotel was nice (Doubletree) and our room was VERY small. . . smelled funky too. We had a smoking room because hubby smokes and it smelled like a hooker had a relay race going on. It smelled like ass and smoke. . . what a sick combination.

We went down to the "lounge" and had a few drinks and appetizers before getting ready to go to the casino. We went back to the room where both of us got dressed and ready to go. I wore a black lace, sleeveless dress that came a few inches above my knee and was somewhat low cut in the bust area. The lace had a flesh colored underlay underneath it and when matched with the heels that I was wearing, I must say that I looked like a million bucks! Off to the casino we went. . . .

Upon our arrival at the casino, both of us needed new cards. We went through the process and headed to the casino itself through the turn style where they check your casino card with your drivers licence. I had a nice woman who was checking me through until flaming homosexual security man got mixed up in the works. As she is checking me, this fruitcake came over and dialog is as follows:

"You can't let her in"
Me - "Why not"
"They won't let her at the tables dressed like that"
Nice Lady - "What's wrong with how she's dressed?"
"Just trust me, they won't let her at the tables but if you want to try then by all means, try"
Me - "I don't understand what's wrong with how I'm dressed"
"It's the slip"
Me - "What slip? I don't have one of those on! I have on a bra and underwear if you want to see that"
"Ma'am, would you like to leave or just go into the casino?"
Me - "You just told me that I couldn't go in because of the way I'm dressed!"
"Well do whatever you want but don't say I didn't warn you"

Hubby had already gone through before me and said that when he turned around and saw this clown questioning me that my face was in such a rage that he had to exit and go back through to see what was wrong. He asked the security homo what the problem was and said that the man would not look him in the eye at all. Hubby said that it's been a long time since he's seen me that angry in a long time. And it didn't help that I had had a shot of Crown before we hit the casino. Fag boy better be damn glad that the Crown wasn't talking! My mom would have put her 6" stiletto right up his ball sack if he had talked to her like that but I think I was too stunned to react in a dignified manner.

We gambled at the bar, laughed, drank and had a great time. I had 4 women throughout the course of the night tell me what a pretty dress I had on and how cute I looked in at. And guys, ladies are the worst and harshest critics. If you look like a whore in a dress, you will know it from a female before you know it from a male. When we were done at the casino, we went looking for our shuttle to take us back to the hotel. Nowhere to be found which would have been next to impossible with all of the bedlam that was taking place in front of the casino. I have never seen so many people, cars and lights. It was ridiculous! Finally a cabbie picked us up and off we went.

We were driving with this grotesque man as our driver in the dark through a park when he decides to cut the cheese in the cab. Then he blames it on someone hitting a deer. Are you for fucking real dude? You just crapped yourself and can't come up with anything better than "Oh someone musta hit a deer". What a freak.

We got back to the hotel and all was well. We went to our room, turned on the tv, called some friends to wish them a happy new year and rang in the new year together just the two of us. It was a comical start to a hopefully lighthearted 2008.

Home Remedies

2008-01-08T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have been sick for the past 2 weeks. I had all kinds of green crap spewing from my head and just before I called my doctor in a panic, it crept ugly little head down into my chest. Ugh! Luckily for me, where I live, the grocery stores are participating in free antibiotics so I called my doctor and asked if he would call one in for me.

Now you would think that a doctor would want to see a person who has a foreign being living in their lungs but not my doctor. He is very special and can treat a person from 32 miles away. . . whatever. I wish I could make 6 figures a year for that talent. God I would cure polio for that matter. . . oh wait. . . that's already been done.

So yesterday I'm on the phone with my accounting co-worker who deals with taxes. I was in need of a current copy of the tax rates across the country in order to do my job. While I was on the phone I went into this crazy fit of hacking and choking. What could it be? Oh that's right. It's that thing in my lungs that my doctor hasn't checked out yet. So my coworker asks if I have tried rubbing Vicks on my feet at night and wearing socks over it. Old Wives tale. At that point I was willing to try anything. I had to work out last night and then I would try the advise.

I went home, changed and put a mentholated patch on my chest so that I would choke minimally. I hadn't worked out since Christmas as I have felt like ass all this time. I figured that if I started working out and working through this stupid sinus infection that I could kick all of this nasty disease. My class was an hour long and you can't stop moving or else the little 60 year old may with the Brittany Spears head set on will signal you out.

Working out with one of those patches on is interesting to say the least. You have a constant supply of oxygen going through your nose at all times yet your throat is dry almost the whole time, forcing one to drink an ungodly amount of water.

I finished my class and signed up for another class. . . Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now I'll be in class from Monday to Thursday with three days to recover. I went home, heated up some ravioli from the other night, grabbed a beer (yes that is how I reward myself after a good workout) and parked my ass in my bedroom watching another depressing episode of Law and Order. After dinner, I whipped out the Vicks and started rubbing my feet. I looked around to see if anyone was watching. God did I feel stupid! "This shit better work or I'm going to slap the stupid off your face" was what I was thinking at the time about my coworker.

I went to bed and hubby followed about an hour later. He tried to get all snuggly when he felt my socks and told me that it wouldn't work and flipped over and went back to bed. I woke up this morning and thought that it had until I found myself over the sink in the kitchen literally hacking up a lung. I thought I was going to die. Who would be this cruel to me? And again, I was looking around to see if anyone was watching my demise.

Moral of the story is, don't believe everything you hear. If anyone else has some sort of funny wives tale that can cure an ailment, please share. I'd love to hear them!

Feel the burn!

2007-11-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

I very rarely make a new year's resolution and follow through with it. I can't even tell you what my resolution for 2007 was. However, good health seems to be a popular choice with most so I'm sure at one point in time, I chose that.

I've been battling eating right, exercising and being consistent. The exercising thing is a real pain in the ass for me as I don't have a lot of motivation. I tried diets. I tried fad eating trends. I even tried a free online program that works really well if you stick with it. . . . they have a great network of people going through the same thing so that helps.

Not too long ago, I told a friend of mine that if I had someone to motivate me into working out on a regular basis, that I could probably do it. She agreed too and we both shared ideas on how to do that. She has a membership to the YMCA as well as a coworker of hers. We decided that we would take a class twice a week and work out one other day a week. So far it's worked out really well. So much that last night I signed up for a membership and have a backpack packed in my trunk so that I can swing by there on my way home. We also have another friend who we asked to take the class with us and now she is thinking about getting a membership too. I at least have a few people that I can ask to go with me until I meet people there.

Now that I have some consistency in my exercise, eating is next. I have an issue with portions and then there's the almighty drink. I cannot give up my daily beer consumption. It's my release at the end of a good day. It's my release at the end of a crappy day. It's my reward for something great happening. It's my security blanket when hubby pisses me off. It's also making me fat. I thought that if I substituted light beer for regular beer that would help. I think it has but the ultimate "help" would be to cut back to just drinking on the weekends.

I never remember having to work this hard when I was younger when it came to staying in shape. . . . .this sucks. At least I have the winter to work off the "baby fat" before I get on the boat.

Back from the dead. . .

2007-11-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I've made it back. I've dove so far into work and family that I have barely had time for myself. Correction, I have not MADE time for myself.

I used to always do stuff to make myself happy like going out or shopping. . . .now I'm finding my happiness in a job well done at work and coming home and being involved in my family. I know that sounds corny.

My son went away for Thanksgiving with the in-laws. It was a nice, quiet, extended weekend for the hubby and me. I'm ready for him to come home though. . . I miss him getting into everything and going through our daily routine. Apparently he had a blast and when I called my MIL, I could hear him singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in the back seat. It was so cute!

I went to my parents house for Thanksgiving dinner. It was fine until my daughter and mother started picking at each other. It was super annoying. Three different times, I had to bite my tongue because they were both getting under my skin. My mother is a grown woman. Why does she feel the need to argue over minuscule crap with a 16 year old? I just don't get it. Sitting back and watching from a distance, I know why my mother does what she does. She is a control freak and likes to push buttons. She likes to watch chaos and turmoil take place at her command. It's disgusting. Being an adult now, it just annoys me that she's still that way and will never change. It's nice to be able to leave that situation and not have to deal with it anymore. I can limit how much or how little exposure I have with that woman. I just wish my daughter would want to leave there so that she could be at peace more. Right now, she is so unhappy with her living arrangements and I can understand why. . . .

Pretty Much Done

2007-08-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry all. I know I haven't been on here as faithfuly as some have. I haven't been able to just for the simple fact that my priorities are different than some people.

Because of the fact that I have a family and a career, my time is limited. I rely on bits and pieces of my day to call or write to someone briefly to talk about or "relieve" myself of an issue that has been bugging me. Most of the time it is redundant. So fucking what. A lot of the time it is an issue that has been going on for a while. So fucking what. Someone once told me that I should not care. Fine. No problem. Don't care. The one thing that my friend told me that I have ever taken to heart truly was this. . . .don't forget or loose who you really are.

I have morphed over the years and changed into a person that I am proud to be. I may not have a lot of friends but . . . so fucking what. I feel as though the knowledge that I posess now is a little bit more than what it was 20 years ago. I don't want to be the person that I was in the past. I know now that I don't have to be abrasive like I was years ago. I don't WANT to be abrasive.

So for the few friends that I do have that I will loose. . . sorry. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being afraid of what might piss you off or what you will or won't listen to. And yes. I don't want to talk about you anymore. If I point out issues that concern me about you, you don't want to hear it. So, I will go alone, by myself and be happy with my family and career. Sorry to leave you high and dry but I'm tired of trying to figure you out. You've made it way too painful, complicated and meticulous. Sorry if I don't measure up to your standards, sorry if you don't approve, sorry if you think I'd leave you high and dry, sorry if you don't think I support you, sorry if you are tired of hearing about the same shit over and over again, sorry if you don't approve of my mate, sorry, sorry, sorry. . . but so fucking what. I'm out and I'm done. Be happy for me.

Round 2 "Ding, Ding"

2007-05-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

Okay. . . plot thickens. . . .

I've already cleaned up the majority of hubby's infidelities so far with this last go around. I have contacted Penny in PA to make sure that her fragile state has not been shattered. She has already informed me that it took a lot of courage to call and that I didn't have to be nice about it but I was. Now that I know that she knows where I'm coming from I don't have to worry.

Except. . . . .

For all of the other women on the planet who don't know about me which is approximately 99.9% of the population.

I took my son to daycare this morning. One of the teachers had told me that hubby had made an "invite" towards my son's teacher and that she was appalled that he would do such a thing. He came in on Friday evening to pick our son up and announced to his teacher that he and I were having some problems and that he was going to the lake by himself for the weekend. Would she like to join him? He also told her that he couldn't talk to anything with tits without me getting angry or jealous. I apologized to her for his lack of taste and then went in to work and got the phone out AGAIN and texted him telling him that N had told me about his cute little invite and that it seemed to me that he was done even though I wanted things to work out between us.

It wasn't even out of my phone for a minute and my phone rang at work. He said he was joking which I thought was funny. I asked him if he had ever heard the saying "10 million Elvis fans can't be wrong" His reply was "What does Elvis have to do with any of this?"

Ugh!

I have my work cut out for me!

The Gloves are On!

2007-05-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on in a while. Work is going great and I am in it knee deep. Today though, I decided to make some time.

I have an issue with hubby. Hubby plays video games online and meets people there and plays along with them. Unfortunately, most of the "people" that he meets are girls (notice I didn't say "women). Hubby and I went out of town last weekend and left our son where we vacationed at with my inlaws as we had to come back early to go to work the next day. So when we get back on Sunday, he calls on his cell phone to his parents to tell them we are back safe and sound. Our son wants to talk to us on the phone so Daddy goes first. Then it's Mommy's turn. As I'm talking to him, his phone beeps which means tht either the battery is about to go dead or someone is on the other line. It's a girl from PA. I didn't answer it, finished up my conversation and handed the phone to hubby "It's that chick in PA". He then tells me quite innocently that is the first time that has happened. . . . hmmmmmmm.

So as days went on it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why does someone you play a game with need your cell number? So a fight ensued and he assured me that I was a dumbass for even thinking that anything would come out of it. The argument was going nowhere and I decided to just drop it, get drunk in my bedroom, fold laundry and watch a good violent flick. I had a plan up my sleeve.

The next day when I got home from work, he was getting ready for dinner and was going to go to be at 8p. That's not like him but nonetheless, my plan would continue. He went to bed and I put our son in the shower to get cleaned up for bed. While he was in the shower, I got into hubby's phone and started going through his call history. Not a lot there. You don't have a lot of concrete evidence from an incoming and out going call log. So I went to texting. BINGO! Lots of good juicy shit here. I read close to 45 texts. I couldn't read all of them as there were 95 outgoing and 46 incoming. I saw the bill last night by the way. 181 texts alltogether in the month of April alone. Two of them were mine.

I read thinks that really bothered me. Things like "I really care for you a lot" and "I have a 3 year old. . . that is my big secret. . . I'll probably never be married" and "You sleep tight sweetie. . I look forward to talking to you tomorrow" and "I hate to bother you at school but I just wanted to say hi". What? The bitch is in school???? Maybe he meant college. . . .

Earlier in the day before I came home, we got into an argument on the phone and I told him that he needed to tell her that they would no longer be contacting each other or else I would. He said he would. When I got home and started reading the texts, it was very clear that the conversation that I had requested take place had not happened. So, it was up to me to make the decision to call her and explain what was going on. Mind you, I already had about 9 beers in me at the time.

I put my little guy to bed, grabbed beer #10 and my phone and walked outside down my easement away from the house. I had already programed her number in my phone in a secret spot and began to dial. The conversation was unbelievable. First of all, she's 19 and still in HIGH SCHOOL! What's more is that hubby told her that I was crazy, didn't live with him but spent the night a few times, and that our son was 3. . . not 4. She also told me that he told her that he was some big wig contractor who built houses and then sold them right away because they were so great. I corrected her on that one. . . .

"Honey, I hate to tell you this but all he does is make concrete look pretty. He gets on his hands and knees like a little bitch and swirls his little heart out. He lied to you".

I told her that I felt bad for her as he had strung her along and it was clear that she was falling for him and had done so for the past month. She told me that he had a lot of explaining to do and I told her that my family life right now was being torn apart. Basically in a nutshell, he made it clear that I was nowhere near in the picture of his life which meant that if I wasn't there then that meant HE was the one taking care of our son. It really hurt especially after all of the things that I do on a regular basis to make things work for us as a family.

I got off the phone with her after 20 minutes and then called my best friend to vent. I talked forever to her and sat outside in front of my home and talked and drank beer. The funny thing is that I had to go to the bathroom really bad but didn't want hubby to wake up and find out what was going on. I didn't make it to the bathroom in time and what's worse is that I forgot to pull my thong down when I went to pee. I litterally peed my pants!

Last night when I came home, I had a talk with hubby. He is very upset that I contacted "the girl". I don't really care. My point was made. I prevailed. He's the suckass looser. . . .

Have a great weekend all!

Old Habits are Sometimes Lost

2007-04-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

I got in touch with a high school friend of mine that I haven't talked to in almost 10 years. It was great talking with him after all of this time. We caught up with what each of us are doing now. We reminisced about things that happened at school and what we had done from that point on to get us where we are today.

He told me how he was so glad to see me doing well for myself. He also told me that he remembered that I had a tongue like a serpent and an attitude to match. . . . a very deadly serpent. I have lost sight of that over the years. I have called it "mellowing in my old age". Finding someone that I haven't seen for over 10 years is an important lesson to me. Back in the day, I was extremely mean. I had no problems telling anyone what their shortcomings were. I figured that if I beat them to the punch that I would be less likely to get hurt. I always had the philosophy that EVERYONE was out there to hurt me.

This guy told me that I had to be like that because of all of the trials and tribulations that I encountered early on in life. I experienced more in the first 16 years of my life than most people encounter in a lifetime. I never realized that I behaved and acted the way that I did because I was trying to protect myself. The great thing about being older now is that I can weigh out the good with the bad with the ugly. I don't have to show my ass like I used to years ago. Now, if I'm having a bad day, I can act like a bitch and not think twice about it. But if I'm having a good day, it feels good not to have to be bad. Before, if I had a good day, I didn't know how to be nice or pleasant. It was miserable. I literally woke up one morning and said to myself "God, how do I stop being such a bitch? I just can't stand being miserable anymore".

It took years for me to understand all of that. It took so long for me to know how to CHOOSE that I can't remember when I actually "morphed" into something that I actually like to look at in the mirror every day. Although at times it does bother me that I am not as self righteous as I used to be. I used to take a lot of pride in being witty and sly. I used to love that fact that I could cut any man down to a splinter with just one line. Now I find myself asking "Oh no! What would they think if I said that?" Who fucking cares! I never gave myself enough time to ask that question back in the day! I just said the first thing that came out of my mouth and by then it was too late.

Getting older has it's advantages. . . . it's taught me to make educated choices. Have a great weekend all!

Ho Hum. . . .

2007-04-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in a long time. I used to really like to get my word out there. Now, I don't seem to have any time to pee let alone spread the word.

Where has my time gone? Why have I delved so deeply into work? I don't know. I am starting to love my job. I have a boss that treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated and he keeps me busy. Too busy at times. My old boss never gave me credit for shit. He thought that because I had two bumps on the front of my chest that I was only good for child bearing and getting yelled at. Ah how the tables have turned.

I have a co-worker that is, at best, a waste of human flesh. He throws people under the bus constantly, he lies perpetually and has no morals. Sounds like the perfect sales guy, right? Wrong. We loose money on the shows that he sells. Something very important dawned on me today like a lightning bolt. I can't really disclose what it is but when I discuss it with my boss, I'll let you know how everything turns out.

Home life is good. I worked an estate sale last weekend for my in laws and found something that I am very good at and is easy money. I gave my name and number to the woman that ran the sale and she said that she would definitely be giving me a call. There I go again. . . tying up my time with things having to do with work instead of taking time out for me.

Speaking of which. . . .

I haven't had or made time to spend with my best friend. It's been wearing on me too. I enjoy the time that we spend together and I like the fact that I get to get away from reality for a little bit. It's great talking with someone that can center me back to where I need to be and start afresh. She and I are going wine tasting tonight and I can't wait! It's gorgeous outside and will be a perfect night to sit outside and split a bottle of wine. THIS is what I need to make time for. . . .

Today is much better!

2007-03-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Today is way better than yesterday.

My best friend and I hashed our differences out. It was very refreshing to know where she was coming from and her knowing how I felt. One of the things that she said was that "We are too much alike to get along all the time". I agree. One of my favorite mottoes is that I can barely stand myself so I don't expect you to.

Loss of a friend

2007-03-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

I lost a friend today. Where she went, I can only imagine.

We got into a fight. I am supposedly selfish, self-centered, abusive bitch, caring only about myself, pre-madonna, queen of me. . . (you get the point).

I am going to tell you all a little bit about me.

I am a very self righteous person. I used to stand up for what I believed in. As I've gotten older and am involved with someone who is a very controlling person, I have lost sight of that a bit. The friend of mine that I lost told me a while ago to never forget that is who I am. Well I have. I have cowered down, let people tell me what a rotten person I am. I don't care anymore what people think. Either love me for who I am or get the fuck out.

It made me so sad to know that I hurt my friend unbeknown st to me. I didn't know that I wasn't listening enough. I didn't know that I wasn't coming over enough. I didn't know period. But I know that these will be considered "excuses" so I should just shut up. My lost friend wants me to be at her every beck and call. She wants me to listen intently to what she has to say. She wants me to include her in on my most intimate and painful situations. She wants me to leave the father of my child because she thinks I can do better.

I want a lot of things that I can't have. Like a big house. Or sane in-laws. Even to have my oldest kid live with me. I want an understanding partner who knows when I need room to grow, vent and make mistakes. I want a best friend that I can feel even when we haven't seen each other for days. . . .her presence is there and I know that.

All of this sounds corny but I don't care. I'm sure she'll ridicule me and tell me once again what I did wrong or what I didn't do right. How I talk too much about myself and not enough about her. How I am rude and awful.

I wish she could see past all of the things I've done wrong and hear me when I say that I love her. I wish she could know that even though it's only been a few hours since we last typed to each other that I already miss her.

A Message. . .

2007-03-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

How are you? I know you are better than me cuz I know you are in a better place. The babies are fine. The oldest one has a major attitude and I just can't figure out who she got that one from. The littlest one is doing great! I brought the blankie home with me when I came back from last year from your place. You know, the one with the cowboys on it that's really soft? He loves it! Your oldest one is going to be 16 this year and she and I are going to a really nice hotel for her birthday and then spend a day at the spa together. I wish you were here to do that with us. . .

Work sucks but it is coming together. The guys I work with are actually TRYING to get their shit together.

M and I are doing okay. We've had our ups and downs but I asked him to spend the evening with me tonight because of you. M's brother should be up there with you so tell him we said hi and also M's grandpa should be there too so let him know that we are painting the house this weekend. . . it needs it!

I miss you so much. Just when I found you, God took you from me but left me with memories that I will always cherish. My biggest fear is that I will forget you. M told me that wouldn't happen; that he would remind me when I get old and help me remember the first time that I saw you. He told me the other night that the first time we met was an experience that he will never forget and can't describe. He said that it was one of the most awesome feelings he's ever experienced. There was a boy that was missing here for 4 years. The news covered his reuniting with his family. I cried. . . not because I was happy for them but because I knew exactly what they felt. Thinking that a part of you is gone and all of a sudden has been found. Knowing that the piece you are looking for will be familiar but the excitement of knowing how it will look different. That's how I remember you. I remember you as being a part of me. . . the person that made me.

You didn't see my first date or witness my first steps as a baby but you saw me for the first time as a successful young woman with children and a family. I have a good career and strong life skills that I believe I inherited. I left you with hopefully pride.

Tonight we're having a shot of Crown. Hope you can make it. . . .I love you!

Your loving daughter,

Alissa

Stress is a Mess

2007-03-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I have been scarce lately. Not necessarily by choice either.

I am going through a lot of changes right now with both work and with personal life.

With work - Drama, Drama, Drama. I have a boss now who used to report to the people that now report to him. It's very difficult. The people that report to him are shifty and unreliable. They will stab him in the back in a heartbeat and not blink an eyelash. It's sad. I feel as though I need to take on the weight of the office and fight for him when he isn't here or isn't capable of doing so. I got into a knock down drag out fight with one of my co-workers a few weeks ago. We went behind closed doors and had it out. Needless to say, I did most of the yelling and he did a lot head ducking. It was pathetic. I pointed out that our whole office didn't respect me or my boss. That if they did, they would turn their work in on time and do their jobs with pride and not dig their heels in because "they didn't feel like it". They come and go as they please without answering to anyone. That's how this whole fight started. I questioned where everyone was at at 9:30 in the morning. I was told that I shouldn't be concerned with every one's whereabouts. My reply was this "Fine. I won't concern myself with where you are. I don't care. It's not MY job on the line so do whatever you want. Piss your life away for all I care. I'm done." I got the big wide-eyed look of "I can't believe you would sound so heartless!" and the fight was over.

With Personal life - Hubby got into some trouble yesterday. I'm not at liberty to say at this time what it was but believe you me, Issy was one pissed off bitch yesterday. The in-laws didn't help any either. As a matter of fact they distracted my anger from hubby and concentrated it on themselves. They are worried about their reputations. They are worried about how people will view them now. Who gives a fuck?????? I pointed out to hubby that they are common farm people who live on 15 acres. They aren't part of the mafia. They hold no social standing in the community. There was no "coming out" gala for the boys when they reached manhood. How fucking gay is that? Reputation? Bitch please! I'm so aggravated that I can't even see straight!

And. . . I have no clue who to be mad at first! Should it be the dumb dicks I work with or should it be the moron that I sleep with every night or should it be lucky number 5 up on the hill that gave birth to said moron? Lord!

If any of you have a praying bone in your body, please find it and use it and think of me fondly. . . if you won't pray for me I will definitely have to pray for myself!

Mardi Gras - WooHoo!

2007-02-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

Hello friends! I have been a busy girl! Work has dealt me a full hand which I have been trying to play and finally I cashed out on Saturday. . . It was time for Issy to play.

We had made plans Barbarian and I to go to Mardi Gras on Saturday. My hubby was due to go and her hubby was going to drive us there and pick us up so that operating a motor vehicle was not an option. I woke up Saturday morning ecstatic. Hubby wouldn't wake up so I tried again about an hour later. . . grunt. . . ugh. . . bye. Fine, I'll go without you then.

Now the night before I picked out my beads and left the good ones at home so that I wouldn't get upset if a drunken male fell and ripped some of my beads off. I had them with me along with my medicine in case I just got too drunk to make it back home. I picked up the cell and called my friend.

"I have good news and then I have better news"
"What?"
"Good news is that I'm on my way and the better news is that I'm coming by myself!"

So I get to her house and we get situated and we are off!

We get to our destination and start the 5 block trek. I informed B that I needed a bloody mary as tradition. Oh one minor detail. . . with it being St. Louis. . . the weather sucked. We had received 1-2" of snow from mother nature and it was cold and windy. I had on a thermal undershirt and a thin t-shirt over that with a zip-up hoodie (no bra of course. . . it's Mardi Gras!) So we find a vendor and they loaded us up. . .literally! We made our way to my friend's house and started partying. We had a blast!

I found my new boss who informed me that we were there to have fun and NOT talk about work. He also brought his girlfriend who was fun but struck me as the type to pick "favorites". I wanted her and B to get along and I know B wanted that but I think L was way too drunk to think rational. Oh well! We had jello shots, red headed sluts and lots of beer! I got quite a few good beads but because of the weather, we didn't venture out that much. I earned all of my beads inside. I did however get a great set of beads that I told a story for. That was a first for me! They were ones with little rubber frogs on them. I told the girl that I loved her beads and she told me that she wasn't giving them up. So I told her how hubby and I went to Branson every year and we went to a store called "Peace Frogs" and I bought stickers there and put them on my car. But I blew up the engine in my car and had to get rid of the car and leave all of the stickers behind. She hugged me and said that was a great story and put the beads around my neck.

Then there was this one guy who was quite a bit older than me. He and I were talking and I was two sheets to the wind at that point. I remember at one point in time that he was just about begging me to go out on a date with him. I believe that B was there with me laughing and telling him that he didn't really want to get involved knowing who my hubby was. He still didn't give up. All I know is that he gave me the creeps like go take a shower creep. So we left and headed back to our rendezvous point.

When we got there it was busy and there were a lot of people there. I spotted her hubby's car and grabbed her and started to run across the intersection. When I got to the car, my feet flew out from underneath me and I landed flat on my ass! There was a whole crowd of people there that said "OOooooooooooooooo!" and B picked my ass up and poured me into the back seat of their car.

I had an absolute blast!

Pissy Issy

2007-02-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

God I'm aggravated today!

I went to lunch with a co-worker today and tried to pay with my card. Declined. Nice. Didn't I just get paid on Wednesday? Oh that's right. . . I had to pay all of the bills with my money the same as I have had to for the past 3 fucking months.

Now I didn't mind when I was younger and a single mother. I had nobody else to blame if a bill didn't get paid except for me. However, when I have a secondary (or at least I thought I did) coming in, I shouldn't have to worry that much. . . especially when the bills are cut right down the middle.

So Issy called up hubby and explained in a very loud tone of voice that she was displeased with being broke AGAIN. So I called him up and started complaining about the situation and what was he going to do about it. An argument ensued. Words were not exchanged but thrown at a violent manner back and forth through the receiver.

"Why are you calling me at home?!?!?"
"Oh I'm sorry. . . I didn't know you were so busy. . . "
"Look here bitch. . . "
"Call me bitch one more time and I'll show you a fucking bitch when I get home tonight from my J.O.B."
"By the way hubby, keep holdin on to that wild card of 32 miles distance between us because that's the only thing saving your ass right now."
"Don't worry, we'll make it. . . we always do."

Telling me not to worry is not making me feel better. It's just patronizing. Especially coming from a guy who is having his bitch pay his bills for him. I am worried about the bills. I am worried about the dishes not getting done and the house looking like shit like both of us are working when clearly that is not the case. I'm spent. I'm in need of some help from him. Even if it's doing the dishes, vacuuming picking up or something.

I told hubby to get a job when he asked me "What do you want me to do?" Well gee Einstein! That's a loaded question! Try working at the local corner store or even a gas station. Or how about just applying for unemployment! Fuck! I even told him that I'd go out and get a second job! Hell, I'd just install a pole in the front yard and see how much I could make! Talk about working from home!

See the problem is that hubby doesn't think until I have to do it for him. He thinks that if he sits there for long enough that the problem will go away or someone else will take care of it. Know what that's called? Being lazy. I however have not had the luxury of being lazy. Being a single mom at 19 will do that to a girl. I have always had at least one job if not multiple jobs. I have tried to make sure the bills are paid on a regular basis well before hubby came along. I had an ex-hubby that I put all of my financial faith in and he stomped on that like a bug leaving me with 7 years of bad credit and a huge grudge against him for doing so. I also promised myself that I would never get caught dead in that type of situation ever again.

Being that it's "that time of the month" doesn't really help.

Hypocrits

2007-02-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

Today I was called a hypocrite. Funny. I reread what I wrote and was a bit confused. It all started as a friendly banter back and forth on where people live. I was arguing that the individuals "perception" is not reality.

I did take it personally. I was being criticized on where I live and the "profiling" that takes place where I live at. Here's my take on it.

I live in the St. Louis area. St. Louis is not the best place for everyone to live. St. Louis is one of those cities where it's a common law joke to ask where you went to high school at. That is because St. Louis has people that have lived here the majority of their lives or either their whole life. This is not a typical "pass through" city. People don't come here to start great careers. People come here to get comfortable and stay comfortable.

I do take MASSIVE offense to someone who attacks my character and judges me as a whole race/group of people. I represent the ever-mighty bitch group. You can find us everywhere; not just in St. Louis. I like being challenged everyday by the people in my community. I live in the country and the people there will stop what they are doing to help you out. We don't have street cleaners so everyone is conscious of picking up after themselves.

I grew up in an upper class county. I hated it. I still hate it. The majority of the people there are fake and judgemental which is why I made the choice to move further south. I have the right to say that though because I lived in that fucking town. Someone who is an outsider who has moved and lived in more places than the town whore has had a turn on all of the male patrons in a town has no business or right judging where I live or where I choose to live.

Yes I'm hot. . . and bothered. I have had many people comment on my blog and they have all been supportive and upbeat about things that I believe and that's coming from people ALL over the country if not world. I have never felt belittled, dirty and stupid because I know I am none of these things. I am absolutely gorgeous on the inside and out. What I have to offer others is a major blessing and those of you should be thankful that I share that with you. I am proud of where I came from, I am proud of what I have done with my life. I am proud of my kids, my family, my beliefs, my career and my friends. I am proud of my home and my car. I am proud that I love to drink beer every night and I am proud of the fact that I flipped off the fuck that cut me off this morning (btw. . . your car sucks BMW fucko!) I am proud that I'm not the slimmest women in the mid west (someone must have had a bad experience with a 300 pound slut in the St. Louis area apparently).

I'm done for now. I just had to state my point. I'm tired of everyone being so god damned negative. If you can't shit then get off the wretched pot. Do something to change it if you don't like it.

Men are Raging Dicks!!!!!!

2007-01-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys. . . I'm a bad, bad girl for not writing!

So I get a phone call from my mother yesterday. Seems as though my daughter had a "situation" last night in regards to men. She has been seeing a boy for 2 weeks now. She has a "backwards" dance (aka Sadie Hawkins for those of you old fuckers such as myself) and asked this boy if he would be her date. He graciously said yes and on we go.

Now mind you this dance is 2 weeks away. My poor dear has already bought her dress. Do I sound dreadful? Yes. I went to visit her on Sunday. Everything was fine in boy land. I left and went home to do stuff and get ready for bed. While I was doing that he was getting ready to designate the bomb. In the form of an email, he broke up with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?. . . .

BECAUSE THE SHITTY LITTLE FUCKER SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW HER THAT WELL!!!!!!!

My god! What a lame excuse!!!!! I said something to hubby about it. I told him that I bet anything that the little shit couldn't get his dick wet so he came up with a stupid ass excuse!

I now want to go to his house and beat the holy hell out of that boy. Of course you don't know anyone that well within the course of 2 weeks! What was he thinking? That "oh maybe I'll find out her blood type within that period and if not, then hit the bricks sister". Then my daughter tells me this:

We were sitting on a "love seat" so he asks me (daughter) "what are we sitting on?"
She responds "a love seat"
He says "so that means you love me"?
She says "I guess".
He says "well I do".

What a flake.

2007-01-17T06:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry everyone. I was stuck on post 69 and just couldn't bring myself to add one more! (Bad joke.)

Anyway, I wish I could talk openly about the situation with our home and with hubby's family but I really can't due to legal reasons. All I can say is this, I'm staying as far away from his mom as I can. Ever heard of the term "circling the drain"? I don't want to get sucked in and go down like she is. It's actually quite peaceful distancing myself.

Hubby and I are doing great! He hasn't worked consistently for months now and money is really tight but we will make it. I hate the winter because of that. I think in the spring we will go on a little excursion.

My little man is doing great! Although he did something fruit on Monday. Sunday night I made dinner. I put a chicken leg on his plate and a small amount of penne pasta with cheese sauce. He wanted to watch his "shows" instead of eating and we told him that either he eat or go to bed. Either way, TV was not an option. So he decided to go to bed. He woke up the next morning saying that his tummy hurt and I reminded him of the fact that he hadn't eaten. So I took him to daycare and he threw up all over the kitchen. So we trekked back home and I put him in the bed and turned on the TV for him. He ate 2 bowls of Cheez-its, a little debbie snack cake, 2 pieces of toast, a PBJ, 2 go-gurts, chicken tenders, peas and a bunch of water. Yeah, he was sick all right.

Then there's my best friend. She is going through a rough time right now and I really don't know what I can do to ease her frustration. She's basically being ignored in her marriage and I just want to shake her hubby and wake him up. She's a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman. I have been making more of an effort to spend more time with her to get her mind off of struggles that she is having a hard time conquering. All I can do is listen and try to paraphrase. That's all I would need from her if I was going through what she is. I have actually and she has always had a bent ear and waited 4 hours if need be for me to get it off my chest. Actually what we really need is a much needed girls night out! Right now though, I am not financially prepared for that until about another month.

Well, that's what is going on with me. Except for work. . . . NONE of you want to know about that. I'm waiting for something positive to happen before I blog about.

Yay! It's Tuesday!

2007-01-09T06:37:00.002-08:00

Good morning everyone reading! Tuesday is not usually recognized as a day of recognition but for me I thought I'd start nothing new.

Everyone hates Mondays. Nobody likes to work, go anywhere or do anything on Mondays. Tuesdays are however after Mondays so how could it be that much worse? It's not.

Then there's Wednesdays. The ever popular "hump" day. Now if your lucky enough to get laid on that day then this theory would apply to you. Most of us don't have partners that are willing to recognize this day specifically dedicated to "gettin some". Mind you Tuesdays are usually days when my hubby puts out so Tuesday would be my "hump" day.

Now on to Thursday. This day has it made as the prequel to the ever popular Friday. Everyone is gearing up for a big party. Thursdays for me however are my workout day which means that the day of pain will follow on Friday making it not such a hot day in Issy's book. Oh did I mention that I work out on Tuesday as well?

Friday is next which is every one's time to get together with coworkers before the big bash happens called the weekend. This is when my drinking occurs to take the edge off of sore muscles and forgetting about retarded co-workers.

Ah. . . . the weekend. Mass amounts of alcohol consumed here just knowing that you have to start all over again on the dreaded Monday.

Vicious circle? That alone calls for a drink! Cheers everyone!~

Change Sux!

2007-01-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

This has to do with my job. It may be boring so I'm sorry ahead of time. Although my old boss is pretty fiery in this one!

The company that I work for is an AV company. The division that I work for does major events and conventions. I managed the whole office of 42 people but now have gone through a divisional split. I now work with 12 people. My boss is not one of the people in our "team". So therefore, now I have a new boss. There's a big problem though. . . .

Nobody told him that I am no longer his assistant.

Yesterday I had to go into 2 meetings. Let me just say that both were orchestrated by T (we'll call my old boss that for now) whom wasn't supposed to be having them at all since nobody except for one person reports to him. I was in both. I was uncomfortable in both. The last one was the worst because I had to go over what my new job duties are with him which made no sense. But since my new boss is on the road, I decided to play dumb to the whole thing.

My new boss, R, called into the meeting and played dumb too until T spilled the beans and told him that he was creating a memo for one of the managers letting them know which duties I was dumping. All hell broke loose while I was there in his office. This is somewhat how it went:

T: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?
T: Oh that's right R; you haven't been to any meetings that we've had.
R: Nice T.
T: You know what R? This isn't getting any of us anywhere.

The call lasted for about 20 minutes and the aftermath after he hung up the receiver was even worse.

One of my co-workers came to me later on and asked what was wrong. I tried to tell him that I couldn't talk about it but I had to run to the ladies room before I started crying. T ended it with him shaking my hand and sarcastically saying "Nice workin with ya".

I called R when I got home to go over the meeting(s) and he was all calm about it and said "Issy, it was all just a big cock fight. Don't worry about it. I'm really sorry you got into the middle of it and I will take care of it when I get back on Wednesday". That really helped out.

I don't have any respect for my old boss. I used to have some but now I just feel sorry for him. I pointed out last night to R that for a 55 year old man, I just couldn't understand how immature and unprofessional he could be. He agreed.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

Okay. I know it's a little late for the well wishing of good cheer. I thought some of you might want to know how my holiday was.

Not too much drama. I made it a point to ignore a lot of it; either way it was there. My mother wasn't too bad. My MIL was her typical self. Hubby was sulking. And I? I ran around the majority of the time mumbling under my breath "I hate the fucking holidays". Most that barely heard me stayed away. Good plan of action on my part.

There were two parts of my holiday that I will never forgot from this year.

Being invited to my best friend's house to celebrate Christmas with her and her family. It was very relaxed (except for my son) and down to earth. I had never seen one person bring so many presents (Nana)! I was given a hand made afghan for a king size bed which is not an easy feat. It turned out absolutely gorgeous! I was absolutely floored that someone would spend that much time making something for me. I also got an expensive piece of equipment from Barbarian and her hubby. That absolutely floored me too! I told her that and her response was "I know you wouldn't have gotten the leather coat for me unless you got an awesome deal on it. That's how we felt about your gift. We got a KILLER deal on it!" That made me feel great! I did get a pretty smokin deal on her coat.
Then there was Christmas morning with little man and hubby. Hubby and I decided that we weren't going to exchange presents this year because of the new car. I did not hold up my end of the bargain and purchased a mixed 6 pack of imported beer, fleece lounge pants and a HUGE box of Cheez-its for his Christmas present. It wasn't much but it was a day of comfort for him. I asked him what was wrong when I noticed him pouting. He told me that he didn't get anything from me and that he wished I wouldn't have bought any of it. I told him "You got me a car you idiot! I don't even KNOW anyone this year that was given a VEHICLE for Christmas!" He smiled and I knew he wasn't feeling so bad anymore.

Well folks, there you have it. Issy's holiday season. The upside and lesson to be learned from this Christmas is that nobody was dismembered, no one lost an eye and most importantly, no one contracted a VD from hitting the egg nog one too many times and then sleeping with a drunken stranger. Gotta love the holidays!

Karma

2006-12-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

I just tried to upload a card for everyone to see because I fell out of my chair laughing when I opened it. But once again, pain in the ass Google Blogger has told me that they are "so sorry but that they can't complete my request". So I tried a different pic thinking that it may have something to do with the size. No deal. Fuck you Google. I hate you at every turn and soon Karma will kick your ass.

Here's a funny story for you all (speaking of Karma). A while ago the company I work for split and was bought out by some big ass investor. The corporate portion moved about 25 miles away and we stayed put. In the past we would send our mail over for metering as it all fell under one account and made no sense for our office to obtain a postage meter. When the move took place, I fought the broad who was in charge of the move tooth and nail for answers as to what we were to do for our mail. She basically pushed me out if the boat with the hopes that I would drown.

We purchased a scale (for mail wise asses should you snicker and ask!) and I joined a stamp club so that we would receive stamps on a regular basis. Just so you know, the fight that I had with this girl lasted months not to mention the thick layer of animosity that we had for each other.

Well come to find out yesterday that one of my co-workers found out that their postage machine caught on fire! Woo-hoo! Karma sucks doesn't it bitch? Look what God did to you for not giving us options and acting like the cunt you know you are! Ha! I just have visions of that bitch running around with her fat ass trying to catch up with her while flames consume that blasted postage machine. It also ruined some of the wiring and not in just that area.

God I love Karma. It never fails!

His Majesty Arrives

2006-12-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

I called my parents home last night. My brother and his wife and their 1.5 year old arrived at the airport last night from Japan. He will be in the states for 3 weeks. Should I get excited? Somewhat but I've already set myself up for the self centered drama to occur long ago.

A brief history if you will:

I was adopted.
My brother was not. He was considered the entity that should have never occurred. Therefore making him the miracle child.

There is an 8 year gap between he and I. Before he was born, I was it! When he came along, I felt pushed aside and not needed anymore. I still feel that way. My mother is to blame for that one.

My brother's needs are catered to at all times. If his bank account gets low, mommy and daddy will put some in. If he needs a car? Mommy and daddy will get one for him. I didn't even go to his wedding because my mom didn't want me there and he was too scared of her to ask me to come. Pussy!

Well now his majesty is in town. How wonderful! What a lucky gal I am! This means that the world has now stopped on its axis. Death and destruction no longer exists. We are all now complete. Why would I be bitter? Because for the next 3 weeks, myself and my family don't exist and are invisible. I will hear excuses as to why my brother doesn't have time to spend with me because he's too busy according to my mother. He has no say so in the matter never mind the fact that he won't grow his own set of balls and stand up to her.

So, this evening I will be going to a wonderful Christmas party with my best friend and then parting ways to venture to my parents house for a fun filled evening of family dysfunctionality.

Bah Humbug Bitches!