Today is way better than yesterday.
My best friend and I hashed our differences out. It was very refreshing to know where she was coming from and her knowing how I felt. One of the things that she said was that "We are too much alike to get along all the time". I agree. One of my favorite mottoes is that I can barely stand myself so I don't expect you to.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Loss of a friend
I lost a friend today. Where she went, I can only imagine.
We got into a fight. I am supposedly selfish, self-centered, abusive bitch, caring only about myself, pre-madonna, queen of me. . . (you get the point).
I am going to tell you all a little bit about me.
I am a very self righteous person. I used to stand up for what I believed in. As I've gotten older and am involved with someone who is a very controlling person, I have lost sight of that a bit. The friend of mine that I lost told me a while ago to never forget that is who I am. Well I have. I have cowered down, let people tell me what a rotten person I am. I don't care anymore what people think. Either love me for who I am or get the fuck out.
It made me so sad to know that I hurt my friend unbeknown st to me. I didn't know that I wasn't listening enough. I didn't know that I wasn't coming over enough. I didn't know period. But I know that these will be considered "excuses" so I should just shut up. My lost friend wants me to be at her every beck and call. She wants me to listen intently to what she has to say. She wants me to include her in on my most intimate and painful situations. She wants me to leave the father of my child because she thinks I can do better.
I want a lot of things that I can't have. Like a big house. Or sane in-laws. Even to have my oldest kid live with me. I want an understanding partner who knows when I need room to grow, vent and make mistakes. I want a best friend that I can feel even when we haven't seen each other for days. . . .her presence is there and I know that.
All of this sounds corny but I don't care. I'm sure she'll ridicule me and tell me once again what I did wrong or what I didn't do right. How I talk too much about myself and not enough about her. How I am rude and awful.
I wish she could see past all of the things I've done wrong and hear me when I say that I love her. I wish she could know that even though it's only been a few hours since we last typed to each other that I already miss her.
We got into a fight. I am supposedly selfish, self-centered, abusive bitch, caring only about myself, pre-madonna, queen of me. . . (you get the point).
I am going to tell you all a little bit about me.
I am a very self righteous person. I used to stand up for what I believed in. As I've gotten older and am involved with someone who is a very controlling person, I have lost sight of that a bit. The friend of mine that I lost told me a while ago to never forget that is who I am. Well I have. I have cowered down, let people tell me what a rotten person I am. I don't care anymore what people think. Either love me for who I am or get the fuck out.
It made me so sad to know that I hurt my friend unbeknown st to me. I didn't know that I wasn't listening enough. I didn't know that I wasn't coming over enough. I didn't know period. But I know that these will be considered "excuses" so I should just shut up. My lost friend wants me to be at her every beck and call. She wants me to listen intently to what she has to say. She wants me to include her in on my most intimate and painful situations. She wants me to leave the father of my child because she thinks I can do better.
I want a lot of things that I can't have. Like a big house. Or sane in-laws. Even to have my oldest kid live with me. I want an understanding partner who knows when I need room to grow, vent and make mistakes. I want a best friend that I can feel even when we haven't seen each other for days. . . .her presence is there and I know that.
All of this sounds corny but I don't care. I'm sure she'll ridicule me and tell me once again what I did wrong or what I didn't do right. How I talk too much about myself and not enough about her. How I am rude and awful.
I wish she could see past all of the things I've done wrong and hear me when I say that I love her. I wish she could know that even though it's only been a few hours since we last typed to each other that I already miss her.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A Message. . .
Dear Mom,
How are you? I know you are better than me cuz I know you are in a better place. The babies are fine. The oldest one has a major attitude and I just can't figure out who she got that one from. The littlest one is doing great! I brought the blankie home with me when I came back from last year from your place. You know, the one with the cowboys on it that's really soft? He loves it! Your oldest one is going to be 16 this year and she and I are going to a really nice hotel for her birthday and then spend a day at the spa together. I wish you were here to do that with us. . .
Work sucks but it is coming together. The guys I work with are actually TRYING to get their shit together.
M and I are doing okay. We've had our ups and downs but I asked him to spend the evening with me tonight because of you. M's brother should be up there with you so tell him we said hi and also M's grandpa should be there too so let him know that we are painting the house this weekend. . . it needs it!
I miss you so much. Just when I found you, God took you from me but left me with memories that I will always cherish. My biggest fear is that I will forget you. M told me that wouldn't happen; that he would remind me when I get old and help me remember the first time that I saw you. He told me the other night that the first time we met was an experience that he will never forget and can't describe. He said that it was one of the most awesome feelings he's ever experienced. There was a boy that was missing here for 4 years. The news covered his reuniting with his family. I cried. . . not because I was happy for them but because I knew exactly what they felt. Thinking that a part of you is gone and all of a sudden has been found. Knowing that the piece you are looking for will be familiar but the excitement of knowing how it will look different. That's how I remember you. I remember you as being a part of me. . . the person that made me.
You didn't see my first date or witness my first steps as a baby but you saw me for the first time as a successful young woman with children and a family. I have a good career and strong life skills that I believe I inherited. I left you with hopefully pride.
Tonight we're having a shot of Crown. Hope you can make it. . . .I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Alissa
How are you? I know you are better than me cuz I know you are in a better place. The babies are fine. The oldest one has a major attitude and I just can't figure out who she got that one from. The littlest one is doing great! I brought the blankie home with me when I came back from last year from your place. You know, the one with the cowboys on it that's really soft? He loves it! Your oldest one is going to be 16 this year and she and I are going to a really nice hotel for her birthday and then spend a day at the spa together. I wish you were here to do that with us. . .
Work sucks but it is coming together. The guys I work with are actually TRYING to get their shit together.
M and I are doing okay. We've had our ups and downs but I asked him to spend the evening with me tonight because of you. M's brother should be up there with you so tell him we said hi and also M's grandpa should be there too so let him know that we are painting the house this weekend. . . it needs it!
I miss you so much. Just when I found you, God took you from me but left me with memories that I will always cherish. My biggest fear is that I will forget you. M told me that wouldn't happen; that he would remind me when I get old and help me remember the first time that I saw you. He told me the other night that the first time we met was an experience that he will never forget and can't describe. He said that it was one of the most awesome feelings he's ever experienced. There was a boy that was missing here for 4 years. The news covered his reuniting with his family. I cried. . . not because I was happy for them but because I knew exactly what they felt. Thinking that a part of you is gone and all of a sudden has been found. Knowing that the piece you are looking for will be familiar but the excitement of knowing how it will look different. That's how I remember you. I remember you as being a part of me. . . the person that made me.
You didn't see my first date or witness my first steps as a baby but you saw me for the first time as a successful young woman with children and a family. I have a good career and strong life skills that I believe I inherited. I left you with hopefully pride.
Tonight we're having a shot of Crown. Hope you can make it. . . .I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Alissa
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Stress is a Mess
Hello everyone!
I have been scarce lately. Not necessarily by choice either.
I am going through a lot of changes right now with both work and with personal life.
With work - Drama, Drama, Drama. I have a boss now who used to report to the people that now report to him. It's very difficult. The people that report to him are shifty and unreliable. They will stab him in the back in a heartbeat and not blink an eyelash. It's sad. I feel as though I need to take on the weight of the office and fight for him when he isn't here or isn't capable of doing so. I got into a knock down drag out fight with one of my co-workers a few weeks ago. We went behind closed doors and had it out. Needless to say, I did most of the yelling and he did a lot head ducking. It was pathetic. I pointed out that our whole office didn't respect me or my boss. That if they did, they would turn their work in on time and do their jobs with pride and not dig their heels in because "they didn't feel like it". They come and go as they please without answering to anyone. That's how this whole fight started. I questioned where everyone was at at 9:30 in the morning. I was told that I shouldn't be concerned with every one's whereabouts. My reply was this "Fine. I won't concern myself with where you are. I don't care. It's not MY job on the line so do whatever you want. Piss your life away for all I care. I'm done." I got the big wide-eyed look of "I can't believe you would sound so heartless!" and the fight was over.
With Personal life - Hubby got into some trouble yesterday. I'm not at liberty to say at this time what it was but believe you me, Issy was one pissed off bitch yesterday. The in-laws didn't help any either. As a matter of fact they distracted my anger from hubby and concentrated it on themselves. They are worried about their reputations. They are worried about how people will view them now. Who gives a fuck?????? I pointed out to hubby that they are common farm people who live on 15 acres. They aren't part of the mafia. They hold no social standing in the community. There was no "coming out" gala for the boys when they reached manhood. How fucking gay is that? Reputation? Bitch please! I'm so aggravated that I can't even see straight!
And. . . I have no clue who to be mad at first! Should it be the dumb dicks I work with or should it be the moron that I sleep with every night or should it be lucky number 5 up on the hill that gave birth to said moron? Lord!
If any of you have a praying bone in your body, please find it and use it and think of me fondly. . . if you won't pray for me I will definitely have to pray for myself!
I have been scarce lately. Not necessarily by choice either.
I am going through a lot of changes right now with both work and with personal life.
With work - Drama, Drama, Drama. I have a boss now who used to report to the people that now report to him. It's very difficult. The people that report to him are shifty and unreliable. They will stab him in the back in a heartbeat and not blink an eyelash. It's sad. I feel as though I need to take on the weight of the office and fight for him when he isn't here or isn't capable of doing so. I got into a knock down drag out fight with one of my co-workers a few weeks ago. We went behind closed doors and had it out. Needless to say, I did most of the yelling and he did a lot head ducking. It was pathetic. I pointed out that our whole office didn't respect me or my boss. That if they did, they would turn their work in on time and do their jobs with pride and not dig their heels in because "they didn't feel like it". They come and go as they please without answering to anyone. That's how this whole fight started. I questioned where everyone was at at 9:30 in the morning. I was told that I shouldn't be concerned with every one's whereabouts. My reply was this "Fine. I won't concern myself with where you are. I don't care. It's not MY job on the line so do whatever you want. Piss your life away for all I care. I'm done." I got the big wide-eyed look of "I can't believe you would sound so heartless!" and the fight was over.
With Personal life - Hubby got into some trouble yesterday. I'm not at liberty to say at this time what it was but believe you me, Issy was one pissed off bitch yesterday. The in-laws didn't help any either. As a matter of fact they distracted my anger from hubby and concentrated it on themselves. They are worried about their reputations. They are worried about how people will view them now. Who gives a fuck?????? I pointed out to hubby that they are common farm people who live on 15 acres. They aren't part of the mafia. They hold no social standing in the community. There was no "coming out" gala for the boys when they reached manhood. How fucking gay is that? Reputation? Bitch please! I'm so aggravated that I can't even see straight!
And. . . I have no clue who to be mad at first! Should it be the dumb dicks I work with or should it be the moron that I sleep with every night or should it be lucky number 5 up on the hill that gave birth to said moron? Lord!
If any of you have a praying bone in your body, please find it and use it and think of me fondly. . . if you won't pray for me I will definitely have to pray for myself!
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